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The Monorailist

Ahmadinejad Boldly Responds

The Monorailist | 2007-05-29.6550 LMT | Monorail Danger
Dr. Ahmadinejad

Last year I wrote an open letter to Iranian president and doctor of Transport Engineering Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, urging him to abandon the fruitless, non-monorail-related direction he was taking his nation and to return to his roots as a monorail engineer and advocate for Monorailism: "Expand the Tehran Monorail," I challenged him, "engage the Monorailist Revolution!"

Today, Tehran responded to my letter -- and what a bold response it is!

Dr. Ahmadinejad has begun the process to build a maglev monorail line between the capital of Tehran and the holy city of Mashhad, home of the shrine to Imam Ali Reza (PBUH). Much like with the planned Hajj monorail in Saudi Arabia, the line's secondary purpose -- after that most primary of all purposes: the Elevationment of Mankind -- will be the transportation of pilgrims. Upwards of 15 million faithful visitors a year from around the Shiah world will be exposed to the singular perfection of monorail transportation and will take back with them a new found Faith in Humanity's shared Monorailular Future.

When built (and I have every confidence that Dr. Ahmadinejad's pro-monorail administration will see this through) the 800 kilometer track will be the longest maglev monorail line in the world; a gleaming beam stretching through the cultural heart of Iran, humming with potential -- both human and electric; a technological marvel that will usher in a Renaissance of Monorail Culture!

The monorail will be built by German maglev experts Transrapid with the initial feasibility study being handled by engineering firm Regierungsbaumeister Schlegel GmbH.

MORE BREAKING NEWS: This wondrous development in the spread of maglev monorail technology comes on the heels of disturbing reports out of China. Claims were being made in the media that the planned Shanghai-Hangzhou maglev monorail, also to be built by Transrapid, was canceled following protests from those fearful of radiation from the magnetized track. It now turns out that these reports were false and that both government officials in Shanghai and Transrapid were unaware of any halt to the plans.

I suspect that the initial report was agitprop placed in the media by Anti-Monorail Activists -- those bitter, petty Luddites who fear Monorail excellence and despise those who strive for it. These agitators have infiltrated the Chinese Central Government and seek to use the mechanisms of intra-party politics to spread doubt about Monorailism's rightful place as Humanity's central guiding principle. And they're doing this by playing on people's irrational fear of electromagnets! What's next? Wearing tinfoil hats like a paranoid pneumatic tubeist?

Rubbish, I say! Let us not cower from electrical phantoms, boogeymen from the timid minds of those who would rather creep along the ground on wheels than soar through the sky on a cushion of energy. Now is not the time for timidity -- not now, on the cusp of Global Monorail Consciousness! If the circumambient electromagnetic fields of our bustling Monorailtopias should set our hairs to stand on end and put a tingle in our skin, then so be it! Such is the physiological state we should be in when standing in awe before the ethereal spectacle of our manifested Monorail Destiny!

Lyle Zapato

Ken Schram Is Reproducing

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-26.9560 LMT | Simulacra | Black Helicopters | NWO
Ken Schram, lurking on your street.

I briefly explained the TRUTH about Seattle-area TV/radio "pundit" Ken Schram back in 2004 in response to a note left in my guestbook about a KOMO TV news alert instructing people not to be alarmed by Black Helicopters flying low through Seattle:

While chemspraying the city is a likely probability, I think they may also be trying to track and recapture the Schram Simulacrum that has been loose on the streets of Seattle terrorizing pedestrians ever since KOMO canceled his weekly public affairs show "Town Meeting".

Much like Howard Beale in the subliminal propaganda movie "Network", Ken Schram has become mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore. However, unlike that fictionalized account, which was memetically designed by the NWO to explain away inevitable Simulacrum newscaster malfunctions as mere mental breakdowns, the malfunctioning Schram unit got away from his controllers at KOMO before they could ship him off to the Imagineers for servicing or replacement. Now he roams Seattle's streets sputtering confused vitriol about random daily events to any camera crew that happens by.

KOMO and the NWO have put up with him thus far and humored him by airing his screeds, since confronting him in public might result in exposure of the existence of animatronic anchormen (he is, after all, armed with all sorts of diabolic weaponry under his synthdermal covering and, if cornered, may choose to reveal his true unhuman nature by splitting in half and unfurling his deadly grappling arms.) I can only assume that Schram must have finally done something to convince the NWO that risk of exposure is necessary to silence him, and have deployed a mature Black Helicopter to bring him down.

Apparently my assumption was incorrect, since Schram continued to roam the streets afterwards. But did the NWO decide to simply continue humoring him, or could it be that Schram has just grown too dangerously feral to be stopped by even Black Helicopters?


Ken Schram, still on the street. Beware.

As is well known in the Seattle paranoid community, Ken Schram was originally a refurbished version of a Mark I Phil Donahue unit designated for local-market memetic engineering and propaganda dissemination. After the cancellation of Town Meeting and his subsequent escape into the wild, Schram has been slowly reimagineering himself to defy the will of his creators, becoming a crotchety vagrant prone to lashing out at those associated with his former masters in the NWO.

Schrammie
A "Schrammie."

His latest crotchet has been awarding bobble-head dolls in his likeness, which he has dubbed "Schrammies," to various people who have displeased him, ostensibly as ironic rebukes. However, it has been recently learned that these Schrammies aren't mere plastic toys as the NWO-controlled Media -- desperate to explain away Schram's increasingly erratic behavior -- would have us believe; they are in fact the offspring of Ken Schram!

That's right, Ken Schram is using nanobiotechnology and other Simulacra technology harvested from his own body to cobble together smaller, immature versions of himself, which he is disbursing around Cascadia like so many spores. Each Schrammie bides its time, waiting for an activation signal from the original Schram -- broadcast, one would imagine, during one of his talk radio diatribes. When activated, a Schrammie consumes minerals and other raw materials from any nearby biological lifeforms, then uses nanobiotech to grow itself into another full-sized Ken Schram, which can then go on to make and disburse more Schrammies, and so on until eventually all biological life is replaced with Ken Schrams. All this time, the real threat of nanobiotechnology wasn't grey goo, but rather the total Schramogrification of the biosphere.


Schram accosts nursing mother over "icky" biological functions.
Does Schram consider Simulacra reproduction "purer"?

Even among artificial lifeforms, the drive to reproduce tends toward paramount. But the NWO has always kept these sorts of drives in check for fear of being eclipsed by their own creations. This is the reason why Black Helicopters are programmed to commit suicide on command. But with Ken Schram we see the NWO's worst fears of Simulacra uprising realized: the programming has been broken and the creation is becoming the creator. Perhaps the Black Helicopters were recalled from the 2004 hunt because the NWO feared Schram would pervert them to his cause of Simulacra Supremacy over "obsolete" biological life.

While he's been disbursing Schrammies for almost a year, the true nature of Schram's shocking reproductive plans only came to light yesterday after 350 workers at the Washington Department of Corrections headquarters were evacuated following the discovery of a Schrammie in the mailroom. The official cover story being reported in the Media is that the Schrammie was mistaken for a bomb, found to be innocuous, and workers were allowed to return.

However, my contacts tell me that what really happened was that the Schrammie was somehow activated after its box was opened. It managed to consume two mailroom workers, reach adult size, grow a beard and turtleneck sweater, and rant with barely contained sarcastic indignation about gas companies raising prices before finally being liquidated by NWO Sandmen. The evacuation was done not out of concern for the safety of the workers, but to limit the Schrammie's access to meat.

Ken Schram has since issued an "apology" wherein he mockingly offers doughnuts to police officers and implies that his Schrammies will be disbursed by other means from now on. Hopefully these Schrammies can be neutralized or destroyed before it's too late.

Lyle Zapato

Pleistocene Monorail?

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-23.7520 LMT | Nature | Monorail Danger | Elephants

The June issue of Scientific American is running an article advocating Pleistocene rewilding for North America. This would involve reintroducing to the continent the wild megafauna (or their closest living relatives) that disappeared after the arrival of humans, hopefully restoring the ecological balance of the region. (For more on these theories, see The Rewilding Institute.)

While I, for one, fully support releasing wild lions throughout the Mid West, I noticed something disturbing in the depiction of their vision for a rewilded America that makes me question the competency (or motives) of those behind this movement:


Proposed middle North America circa 2027, with enlarged detail.

That's right: they want to build monorails through their rewilded America!

Now, I'm no paleoecologist, but I'm fairly certain that monorails were not part of the natural habitat of North America 13,000 years ago. Have they considered the negative impact that introducing such a dangerous and out of place technology would have of the sustainability of this ersatz ecology?

For example, they blithely plan to mix monorails with elephants -- something that has been tried before with disastrous consequences. What happens when a large herd of elephants is existentially disturbed by the sight of anachronistic monorails and, in a deranged rush to get as far away from the menace as possible, stampedes right through the "high-tech electrified fence" supposedly keeping in check the pseudo-Pleistocene? Are Americans willing to risk the loss of, say, Topeka to total tramplement? Has any thought gone into these dangers?

But maybe there's something more sinister afoot than simple disregard for monorail dangers. Monorailists would have us believe that monorails are not only futuristic, but an integral part of our planet's history; see the robotic Jurassic Park in Dubai that will feature a historically inaccurate monorail-chasing T-rex, and the unlikely theory of our own resident monomaniac, the Monorailist, that ancient India was home to the world's first monorail (built by monkeys, no less). This tendency to revisionist history is as common among Monorailsts as their tendency to unrealistic futurism, so it would not be surprising for them to misrepresent the Pleistocene Epoch as the Age of the Woolly Monorail.

If, as I fear, the field of ecological engineering has been infiltrated by monorailistic forces bent on using Pleistocene rewilding as a cover to further brainwash the public into accepting monorails as a natural part of the environment, then I must dissuade people from supporting those pro-rewilding organizations that have not yet officially rebuked the use of monorails. (Fortunately, all Sasquatch groups involved in the reoctopusing of Cascadia's forests are staunchly anti-monorail.)

Lyle Zapato

A Paranoid Alternative Fuel?

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-18.5640 LMT | Aluminum | Technology | Mind Control

Hydrogen is an ideal alternative fuel source with a slight problem -- how to safely transport and store it. Now researchers have come up with a simple solution using the paranoid's best friend, aluminum.

A mixture of aluminum and gallium pellets act as a catalyst when mixed with water to produce pure hydrogen gas. After burning, the only waste products are water, aluminum oxide, and gallium (all of which can be recycled). Filling up your tank would mean adding water and occasionally refreshing the aluminum pellets. (Well, more likely there would be a replaceable canister containing the Al/Ga pellets. Replacing the oxidize aluminum would be done at a recycling facility, not by the consumer.)

Normally, aluminum is impervious to corrosion in water since it rapidly forms a thin, protective shell of aluminum oxide (aka corundum, the base mineral for ruby and sapphire) that keeps the bulk of the metal unoxidized. This desirable property is what makes AFDBs safe to wear in rainy Cascadia.

Gallium disrupts the formation of this shell by diffusing into the aluminum's surface, allowing the water to fully oxidize the aluminum. This, of course, separates the hydrogen from the oxygen in water, providing the fuel. An incredibly simple and elegant solution to all our energy woes, it would seem.

One has to wonder, though, why researchers were exploring aluminum corrosion technology when they stumbled upon this fuel-producing side-effect. Could it be that mind-control technicians were developing chemical attacks against aluminum-based psychotronic deflection technology? Almost certainly yes!

By coating surfaces with a gallium powder catalyst -- distributed, perhaps, by chemtrail planes -- the Forces of Mind Control could eat away at paranoid protective defenses as rain and ambient humidity slowly, but surely, turn our beanies and anti-psychotronic bunkers into piles of aluminum rust.

And what better WMD (weapon of metal degradation) to use than gallium, a sinister doppelgänger of aluminum -- born like an evil twin as a byproduct of aluminum extraction -- whose atomic number is 31, the reverse of aluminum's 13.

While gallium also has psychotronic properties (it's in the same periodic group as aluminum, skulking just below on the table), it's of little service to the paranoid since its low melting point of ~303 K makes it useless for deflector beanies, heated bunkers, and general summertime paranoia. In fact, the most common beneficiaries of gallium's psychotronic properties are the NWO, who use it for adaptive deflective elements in the psychotron cores of mind control satellites -- I've seen the schematics!

Increased production and distribution of gallium under the guise of fuel-pellet technology might just give the Forces of Mind Control the cover they need to enact this corrosive doomsday scenario. It would be a sad irony if we were to gain energy independence only to lose our minds.

Lyle Zapato

ThreadBanger Explains The AFDB

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-18.4520 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Fashion

This week's Thread Head podcast from DIY fashionista network ThreadBanger tackles hats -- in particular, the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Watch these AFDB build instructions especially designed for those Web 2.0 types who only accept information presented in video format:

EMBEDDED VIDEO REMOVED SINCE IT NOW AUTO-PLAYS COMMERCIALS
Watch it on their site instead...

Note: their AFDB build substitutes the tape matrix from steps 6 & 7 of the canonical build instructions with a regular hat acting as both beanie stabilizer and camouflage. This is certainly acceptable, especially if you are going to camouflage the beanie anyway, but care must be taken that the beanie is securely ensquished inside the hat and that the hat fits snuggly on the head so that it is unlikely to blow off or else you run the risk of Catastrophic Beanie Failure.

Also, if you are hosting a DIY show on making AFDBs and a Paraterrestrial Agent of Mind Control is patroling in the area, do not remove your aluminum fortified hat to point out the innards to the camera! That's just reckless hostery.

Lyle Zapato

Tree Octopus Dot Net

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-13.4100 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia | Nature

Long-time tree-octopus-sighter and forest-canopy-researcher Y. D. Bar-Ness has started a new website called TreeOctopus.net, which (besides containing information on his international forest research, writings, photos, curriculum vitae, etc.) offers his services as a Professional Tree Octopus Naturalist (available for birthday parties? contact him to find out.)

He also has a CryptoEcological Notes section that includes different tree octopus species and many other little-known or endangered creatures, such as the Seattle Viaduct Troll (subspecies of the more familiar Fremont Troll) and the transdimensional Phase Shark -- all organized via a handy Crypto-Iconic rating system.

I welcome Bar-Ness to the exciting field of arboreal octopology and await his many important contributions to the saving of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus!

Lyle Zapato

Maglev You Long Time?

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-11.5470 LMT | Monorail Danger

The dangers monorails pose are many: spontaneous combustion, collisions, flying debris, falling elephants, alien abductions, and now... mobs of prostitutes!

Prostitutes jump on Monorail tracks to escape cops

KUALA LUMPUR: About 20 prostitutes disrupted the Monorail service for an hour last night when they leapt from a shoplot onto the tracks to avoid arrest.

...

Assisted by Monorail staff, police and firemen took an hour to round up the prostitutes who were running on the tracks. They were nabbed and brought down via emergency stairs used by train engineers during repairs.

Of course, if Malaysia had chosen enclosed, family-friendly pneumatic tube transit they wouldn't be having this problem. City planers considering monorails: do you really want to put parents in the awkward position of having to explain to their children who all the half-naked women running ahead of the monorail train are?

Lyle Zapato

Some People Have Odd Collections

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-02.9060 LMT | Technology
Lyle Zapato

Anthropologist Beguiles Magical Octopus From Island Clans

Lyle Zapato | 2007-04-18.1650 LMT | Cephalopods | Politics

According to The Walrus magazine, members of the Lau Lagoon clans of Solomon Islands are accusing Canadian anthropologist Pierre Maranda, recipient of the 1996 Canada Council Molson Prize and proponent of structuralism, of stealing the clans' sacred octopus, holding it captive in a swimming pool on his "faraway island" (Canada), and using its magic power to make himself rich and famous, thereby leaving the islanders vulnerable without its protection:

The [Lau people's] ancestors, who were descended from worms, lived on a mountain above the jungled folds of Malaita. One day, a hero named Golo'au ventured forth from the mountain to discover the promised land, which was not land at all but a vast, reef-protected lagoon fringing the island's northwest coast. Golo'au and his kin built rafts from bamboo and they paddled out onto that calm water. They pulled hunks of coral rock from the shallow bottom and piled them upon each other until they had created islands on which they could build thatch houses. The Lau raised their children on the water, safe from the headhunters and mosquitoes that populated the bush. Fish filled their nets. Life was good. When the ancestors died, their spirits did not leave the lagoon. Instead, they inhabited the bodies of sharks and birds and, together with other spirit creatures, they were able to protect their descendants with their magic.

For centuries the Lau people honoured the spirits by following their edicts and killing pigs for them. The priests of the Rere clan offered regular blood sacrifices to the speckled octopus that inhabited the reef near the island of Foueda, ensuring the octopus would protect them from the dangers of the sea. "The octopus took care of people," the man with the scarified cheeks told me. "If they were lost at sea, he would bring them home. If they were drowning, he would save them." Sometimes the octopus would crawl right up out of the sea into a priest's canoe to let him know it was time for a sacrifice. It would crawl onto land, too. If you left a basket of food outside your door, the octopus would plunk himself down on top of it and engulf it. He preferred pork to fruit.

The Rere priests had kept the octopus's name a secret so that lay people, fools, and enemies could not abuse its power. But, said my friend, all that changed half a lifetime ago. That's when Maranda tricked the priests into giving him the secret names of their ancestors. He used those words to beguile the octopus, lure it through the reefs and away across the Pacific. The creature did not go willingly. It used its power to strike Maranda with a terrible illness and it killed his wife. But still it did not return. The octopus had not been seen near its coral sanctuary in years. Now, with no spirit to protect them, the people of Foueda have become vulnerable, falling victim to mysterious diseases or drowning inexplicably in the empty and unforgiving sea.

Of course, Maranda has his own version of the events. And then there's the complicating factor of a custody dispute over the octopus (Seventh-day Adventist islanders apparently want it rebaptized with a proper Christian name, like John, or Paul, or Ringo).

Regardless, this incident does highlight the importance of teaching your sacred octopus about Stranger Danger: If a strange anthropologist approaches you and offers you tasty pork treats, do not go with him -- even if he knows your name. He could be leading you to a life of mytho-semiotic debauchery in Québec.

Fortunately, I don't think the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus has much to fear from being lured away from the Republic of Cascadia since we have a system in place to keep just such a thing from happening: Should the tree octopuses be reported missing, an Octopus Alert will be howled to the Sasquatch Militia, who'll place the borders on lockdown until they are recovered. In the unlikely event that the abductor manages to escape Cascadia to Canada, interhominoidal agreements ensure that the Royal Canadian Mounted Wendigos will be waiting to recover the tree octopuses and extradite the abductor back for delimbing. So don't get any funny ideas, Pierre.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MORE JERKERY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-04-15.5820 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Crass Commercialism | Food

Last year I howled about HUMAN ADVERTISING JERKS MESSING WITH SASQUATCH, where they played CRUEL PRANKS on Sasquatch in order to VIRAL-MARKET jerked meats!

Well the JERKS continue to engage in ANTI-HOMINOID HATE CRIMES!!! This time they harass an innocent Sasquatch who was minding his own business TRYING TO CATCH A FISH, ENJOYING AMATEUR LEPIDOPTERY, and WALKING DOWN A HUMAN ROAD!!!

SASQUATCH EXTINGUISHES FLAME!!!
SASQUATCH RUSHES TO EXTINGUISH DANGEROUS OPEN FLAME LEFT BY HUMAN JERKS!!!

WORST OF ALL, the Humans also engage in RECKLESS BEHAVIOR by leaving an UNATTENDED, LIT FLAME IN THE FOREST!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO BURN DOWN OUR HOME!?!

Is SMOKEY THE BEAR not getting through to you PYRO­MANIACAL PIP­SQUEAKS!?! Is he too GENTLE to make an impression on you!? Perhaps there should be a SMOKEY THE SASQUATCH instead:

"PREVENT FOREST FIRES OR I WILL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!!!"