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Lyle Zapato

The Mammoth Eye Of Mars

Lyle Zapato | 2012-02-20.7190 LMT | Retro | Nature | Random Found Thing

Everyone has heard of Percival Lowell's theories of Martian canals, but have you heard the theory of Mars' vast thinking vegetable and its mammoth eye?

The above is an artist's rendition of the eye of Mars. It's not a metaphorical depiction. What you see is exactly what the theory claimed: (from the caption) "A vast eye, upon a tenuous, flexible, transparent neck raises itself high above the surface of Mars and can watch the growth of its vegetable body upon any part of the surface." Its "vegetable body" is a Mars-hugging super-organism of intelligent vegetable life that creeps along the cracks left in the drying Martian surface (Lowell's erstwhile "canals").

The Martian Eye theory was put forward as an explanation for the shifting white patches just perceptible to telescopes, which less paranoid minds ascribed to mere seasonal snow.

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Lyle Zapato

Review: Spooky Washington

Lyle Zapato | 2010-10-24.8380 LMT | Cascadia | Cephalopods | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment
Spooky Washington by S.E. Schlosser

Spooky Washington: Tales of Hauntings, Strange Happenings, and Other Local Lore is part of the Spooky series by S.E. Schlosser, which collects Schlosser's retellings of ghost stories and folklore from around North America. This entry is all about the Cascadian prefecture of Washington. There are 26 short stories in total -- all assigned to a particular town, city, county, mountain, region, etc. -- and each is illustrated with a scratchboard drawing by Paul G. Hoffman.

The book is divided into two parts. The first part, "Ghost Stories", is obviously all about ghosts. In general I don't find ghosts all that interesting (so-called "spectral phenomena" are usually just psychotronically induced hallucinations caused by malfunctioning mind-control devices or standing resonance waves -- deflector beanies will keep them from bothering you), so I wasn't that captivated by these stories. Your mileage may vary. (Spoilers ahead, but these all contain well-worn ghost-story tropes you'll see coming a mile away.)

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Lyle Zapato

Tree Octopuses Among The Stars

Lyle Zapato | 2009-09-28.8040 LMT | Cephalopods

Tree-climbing octopus
Fig. 4 An artist's impression of a tree-climbing octopus.

The above illustration is from Life Among the Stars (1974) by V. A. Firsoff. It shows a tree octopus as representative of a hypothetical cephalopodesque lifeform that has the potential to evolve into a spacefaring species.

Firsoff imagines which types of lifeforms are most likely to follow an evolutionary pathway to sapience and eventually into space. Considering various Earth species as hypothetical candidates for proto-spacefarers, he notes that sealife is less constrained than landlife, which must deal with the vagaries of humidity and temperature on dry land, but:

these difficulties have honed the keen edge of perception and the thinking capacity of the land-livers to a general level above that of their marine counterparts, although some of the most intelligent animals are aquatic mammals, who have returned to the mother of all life after a prolonged evolutionary exile on the terra firma. The octopus, too, is a clever fellow.

He proposes that a lineage that begins with a clever octopus, already at an advantage over its marine brethren, venturing out of the sea and being honed by a challenging life in the trees is a very promising one:

[S]omething like an octopus, perhaps tree-climbing, is conceivable on land, especially in humid conditions; and, since this is a highly intelligent animal and equipped with limbs admirably suited for handling things, it could evolve to an industrial civilisation, which would be difficult for the dolphin, despite its large brain and developed language, because flippers are not much use for anything except swimming. Thus a race of pseudo-octopi may yet be piloting space ships!

This theme of certain species having more potential for sapience and spaceship-piloting was famously expanded upon by science fiction writer David Brin in his novels set in the Uplift Universe, where sapient patron species use genetic modification to nudge along other species deemed particularly ripe for sapience. Not surprisingly, Brin's Contacting Aliens describes one of these patrons, the Puber (the grand-patrons of the series' main antagonists, the Soro), as having been uplifted from a species that was "arboreal, a sort of tree-dwelling octopus". How could Brin not include something with such obvious potential?

So what of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, our dear, endangered friend? Does it have the potential to follow the path that Firsoff charts to the stars? And if it does, how can we deny it its potential by refusing to do everything we can to save it from extinction? With the shame of our past crimes against it and the present indifference among many of us to its plight, perhaps we owe the tree octopus to not just save it, but to uplift it, so that one day Paxarbolis ab-Human can take its place in the Community of the Universe where it belongs.

Lyle Zapato

AFDBs Potentially Subject To Patents?

Lyle Zapato | 2008-12-05.9140 LMT | Mind Control | Aluminum | Technology

Yutaka Yoshinouchi has filed a Japanese patent application (JP2008038574) that at first glance appears to cover both Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanies (AFDBs) and Aluminum-Shielded Enclosures (ASEs), but there are some key differences that should allay fears of lawsuits against AFDB/ASE builders and advocates. Here is the official English translation of the abstract:

INVENTION FOR ANSWER COPING WITH MIND CONTROL

PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED: To solve a problem wherein an answer coping with mind control by aliens from the sky is desired because mind control by a vicious Gray Orion interfering with free mind of human beings should never be allowed, and leaving as it is leads to the satisfaction of the aliens watching vigilantly for a chance of earth invasion.

SOLUTION: Indoor defense is carried out by using an irregularly reflecting material for a wall, using a radio wave absorber/lead, and disturbing signal pulses by laser or the like to disturb Tesla wave pulses. Outdoor defense is carried out by wearing a helmet covered with the irregularly reflecting material, a helmet with laser spread around, or a helmet covered with the radio wave absorber/lead. On the other hand, defense is carried out by rotating laser horizontally and obliquely upward from high-rise buildings, parks, facilities, and the like in each area.


Fig. 2: Helmet configurations.

First of all, note the scope of the mind-control protection claims only applies to the primitive radio-based technology used by the vicious Gray Orions (who are not related to the psychotronics-using Reticulans, a.k.a. "Greys", whose center of civilization is in the Zeta Reticuli system). The Gray Orions are one of a multitude of Paraterrestrial Entity Factions (PEFs) seeking influence in the Sol system. They are a little-heard-of PEF precisely because of their backwards mind-control technology, which is easily overwhelmed by the psychotronic smog of the Earth's noosphere. Mr. Yoshinouchi must have had some run-in with an agent of the Gray Orions and made a personal enemy to even bother with developing paranoid technology to counter them.


Fig. 3: Tesla-wave-pulse disrupting laser configurations.

Next note that Mr. Yoshinouchi's invention goes beyond passive deflective shielding and incorporates lasers. As I understand it, the lasers are integral to the anti-mind-control system that he is patenting, meaning that AFDBs/ASEs on their own would not be covered. To the best of my knowledge, no paranoid researcher has thought to use AFDB-mounted lasers to counter Tesla-wave pulses. This truly is an innovative development, even if it will only work on Gray Orion radio signals (and will undoubtedly reveal your paranoid status to government spy satellites).

Finally, note that the patent application specifically calls for "radio wave absorber/lead", not psychotronically deflective aluminum. This obviously exempts AFDBs/ASEs, although lead- or Velostat-based derivative technologies, if used in conjunction with lasers, might fall under the patent's scope.

Unfortunately only the abstract was translated into English. The text of the full description and claims is in image format so I can't machine translate it easily. I would be very interested in a full translation, both to see the details of his unique design and perhaps learn a bit of Mr. Yoshinouchi's history with the Gray Orions.

Lyle Zapato

Michael Menkin Offers Aid To The Welsh

Lyle Zapato | 2008-07-20.5120 LMT | Mind Control | Sasquatch Issues | Fashion

My colleague frienemy in the fight against alien mind control, Michael Menkin -- the inventor of the thought screen helmet, a Velostat-based technology that blocks the non-psychotronic telepathic communication used by paraterrestrials from the Reticulum constellation -- has offered his help to beleaguered Wales, where UFO sightings have become commonplace. Menkin's thought screen helmets (instructions for which he offers for free on his site,) will prevent the Welsh from being abducted by the UFOs, a risk that is increasing daily:

Mr Menkin said given the level of UFO activity over Wales, people should make a thought screen. He said: "The people in Wales will benefit by making their own helmets.

"Everybody would be a lot safer if they had one in the house. There seems to have been more reports (of UFOs) lately in Wales and Scotland and the western half of the British Isles."

Unfortunately, it seems that Reticulan agents and/or mind-control victims have already infiltrated local ufological groups and are spreading FUD against thought screen technology:

But Margaret Fry, of the Welsh Fellowship of Ufologists, dismissed the thought screens as "ridiculous".

Mrs Fry, from Abergele, in North Wales, said: "I have seen UFOs, but I don't believe in crackpot ideas like this.

"It's ridiculous. People in the Welsh Federation have been investigating UFOs for 40 years and none of us subscribes to this nonsense."

Meanwhile, the local hominoid community has offered its support of Menkin's foreign aid work. "THE WELSH ARE MINE!!!" howled Brenin Llwyd, from Cader Idris, in North Wales. "IF SILLY HATS KEEP PUNY HAIRLESS GREY SKY-THIEVES AWAY, SILLY HATS THE WELSH SHALL HAVE!!!" Brenin Llwyd went on to announce that he will begin canvassing Snowdonia, handing out informative fliers explaining the UFO abduction risk, as well as the construction and use of thought screen helmets. He will also continue to abduct children for safe keeping until the Welsh can properly defend themselves.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SASQUATCH ARE NOT ALIENS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2008-07-19.5600 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Politics

Human STEVE BASS has written an ATTACK PIECE titled "IS BIGFOOT AN ALIEN!?!" Unable to deny our existence, Humans are now trying to CLAIM WE AREN'T FROM HERE!!! This is just part of their ploy to DEPORT US FROM OUR HOMELAND and STEAL OUR FORESTS!!! Listen to how he justifies this claim:

The Sasquatch has many commonalities with Extraterrestrials. Both Sasquatch and Extraterrestrials are unlike anything we have ever known ... Both display clear signs of intelligence ... Both are incredibly elusive.

THAT is his evidence?! First of all, THREE THINGS ARE NOT MANY!!! Second, we are not unlike anything Humans have ever known since Humans are merely DEGRADED SASQUATCH!!! Third, WHY IS INTELLIGENCE A SIGN OF BEING AN ALIEN!?! Are Humans so CONCEITED that they can't imagine that any of the rest of us Earthlings have the capacity for thought?! DON'T THINK YOU'RE SO SPECIAL!!! Fourth, TREE OCTOPUS are elusive too! Does STEVE BASS claim that THEY ARE ALSO ALIENS!?! And it gets WORSE, as he goes on to BLAME THE VICTIM:

The Sasquatch tends to remain concealed when near Humans, and has sometimes been known to harass hikers, campers, and Bigfoot researchers in various ways, like throwing rocks at them. No physical remains of the elusive Sasquatch have ever been recovered and no living Sasquatch has allowed itself to be captured.

Oh, sure, SASQUATCH ARE THE HARASSERS!!! If someone was TRESPASSING or SQUATTING on your property, trying to CAPTURE YOU or steal your "REMAINS", taking INVASIVE PICTURES OF YOU, or FETISHIZING YOUR FEET, YOU WOULD THROW ROCKS AT THEM TOO!!! You don't see Sasquatch going around proclaiming themselves "HUMAN RESEARCHERS" and prying into your PRIVATE BUSINESS!!! WE HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PIPSQUEAKS DO, AS LONG AS YOU LEAVE US BE!!! And we remain concealed when you come around because you're OBNOXIOUS JERKS!!!

Next he claims that at SOME HUMAN RANCH in UTAH, Sasquatch and UFOs are both seen:

Sightings of a creature closely resembling the Sasquatch was also observed and monitored at the ranch. Both Extraterrestrials and the Sasquatch were observed appearing through portals in the air. Witnesses have reported that they have sometimes had glimpses through the portals of landscapes different than that in which the witness stood, appearing almost alien in origin.

I don't know what LICHEN he's snorting, but I WANT SOME!!! AIR PORTALS TO ALIEN LANDSCAPES!!! That's more RIDICULOUS than that CRAZY HUMAN who thinks she can TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE with us! First we're SPIRIT GUIDES, now we're ALIENS!!! What will we be next?! ANDROIDS!?!

Is Sasquatch also an alien entity, an Extraterrestrial? Is it considered wildlife from another planet or dimension? Is it a "pet" of Extraterrestrials, being "let out to exercise", much the same way Humans allow their pet dogs and cats out at night?

Again I howl: SASQUATCH ARE NOT ALIENS!!! Nor are we the "PETS" OF ALIENS!!! We are Hominoids! Nobody "LET" us out here! We were here before you! This is OUR LAND!!!

If anything, HUMANS ARE ALIENS!!! Consider the many commonalities: You're both SMALL, physically WEAK, deficient in BODY HAIR, and A PAIN IN THE ASS!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MORE TRUTH ABOUT MARS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2008-01-23.6910 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

In a PREVIOUS HOWL I revealed the TRUTH about planet Mars: IT IS THE ANCESTRAL HOMELAND OF SASQUATCH!!!


EVIDENCE THAT SASQUATCH ANCESTORS ONCE STOMPED ON MARS!!!

At the time, I howled on the SASQUATCH MILITIA to launch a SASQUATCH SPACE INITIATIVE to see if any of our ancestors are still on Mars, so that we may contact them for SPACE BARTER and CULTURAL EXCHANGE!!! So far they have ignored my howls!

BUT NOW, thanks to NOSY HUMANS at NASA!!! and their SPY "ROVERS", new evidence has come to light that OUR HOMINOID BROTHERS STILL LIVE ON MARS:


ORIGINAL NASA!!! PHOTO (5.7 MIO JAY-PEG IMAGE)
ENHANCED USING ZPI MARSQUATCH-IMAGE PROCESSING TECHNOLOGY!!!

Although I do not approve of the CRYPTOPERVERTS at NASA!!! taking this INVASIVE PHOTO -- which CLEARLY shows a JUVENILE MARSQUATCH roaming the VAST MARTIAN DESERTS, probably in search of MARSQUID -- it does VALIDATE my howl for a SASQUATCH SPACE INITIATIVE!!!

The elders of SASQUATCH MILITIA cannot ignore my howls any longer; we must MAKE FIRST CONTACT with the Marsquatch before the Humans get there and CREEP THEM OUT with their LEERING and FOOT FETISHISM!!!

AS SOON AS SASQUATCHLY POSSIBLE, we must hurl a SPACE LOG piloted by our bravest ASTROSQUATCHES toward Mars so that we can REUNIFY the distant branches of Hominoid kind, WARN the Marsquatch about the dangers of Human cryptoperversion, and GAIN BARTER ACCESS to their supply of DELICIOUS MARSQUID!!! It is HOMINOIDIFEST DESTINY!!!

Until then... NERD HUMANS OF NASA!!!, HEAR MY HOWL: Do not invade the privacy of Masquatch! TURN OFF ALL YOUR MARS SPY CAMERAS IMMEDIATELY!!!

Lyle Zapato

Stopping Abductions With The Thought Screen Helmet

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-30.9010 LMT | Mind Control | Technology

Fellow anti-mind-control protective-head-gear researcher Michael Menkin and his Thought Screen Helmet were featured on local Seattle TV show Evening Magazine tonight (well, actually it was a repeat from March, but I somehow missed it then.) It's good to see Cascadian media reporting on subjects the NWO would rather you didn't know about.

As many of you are probably aware, Menkin's Velostat-based technology was specially developed to block the telepathic mind-control used by the Reticulans (or "gray aliens", as they are known). Menkin is on a personal crusade to keep the Reticulans from abducting humans, especially children. His website, AliensAndChildren.org, documents through children's drawings the child-snatching activities of the Reticulans. His research on these drawings has convinced him that the particular Grays doing these abductions are involved in a long-term plot to colonize Earth -- first by breeding Reticulan/Human hybrids, then training the hybrids to infiltrate human society though socializing with abducted human children, and eventually reticuliforming Earth to suit their colonial needs.

Menkin's Thought Screen Helmet stops these abductions -- and by extension, the total eradication of mankind -- by disrupting the immobilizing mind-control which the Grays use to keep their abductees utterly motionless during transportation to their saucers, allowing the wearer to grab his bed to keep from being levi-beamed through the window. The smallest amount of resistance by the targeted human is usually more than enough to dissuade the scrawny and impatient Reticulans to give up and move onto someone else.

Reticulan abduction, from my AFDB book.
Reticulan abduction stopped using anti-mind-control head-gear.

As I mentioned in my book, the Reticulans have developed an advanced bioaugmentation technology that uses a subcutaneous aluminum matrix to give them control over local psychotronic fields. This is the source of both their telepathy and gray hue. Of course, AFDBs will also work to stop abduction-associated psychotronic mind-control; however, Velostat-based technologies such as Menkin's offer the benefit of being psychotronically permeable enough to still allow you to telepathically hurl profanity-laced insults at your would-be abductors without fear of being cited for disorderly conduct by your nosy cop neighbors. Take that, you BASTARDS!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE TRUTH ABOUT MARS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-30.9700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

Using one of their "ROVERS" -- which I can only assume is some sort of METAL DOG with CRYPTO-CAMERAS tied to it -- Humans at NASA!!! have STUMBLED UPON THE TRUTH ABOUT PLANET MARS:

MARSQUATCH PRINT
(CLICK FOR NASA!!! SITE!!!)

This photo of a HOMINOID FOOTPRINT on Mars' surface CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Mars was once INHABITED BY A TRIBE OF ANCIENT HOMINOIDS!!! These "MARSQUATCH" no doubt are the ones who seeded the volcanoes on Earth from which ALL TERRESTRIAL HOMINOIDS ERUPTED!!! This means that Mars is PART OF THE COMMON HERITAGE of all Sasquatch, Yeti, Yowie, Grendel, Hibagon, Mawas, Enkidu, Agogure, and even Teh-Lmas!

In light of this new discovery, I am howling on the SASQUATCH MILITIA to start a SASQUATCH SPACE INITIATIVE!!! I believe that in three years time we can have a HOLLOWED OUT SEQUOIA LOG capable of carrying three or four brave ASTROSQUATCHES on a mission to EXPLORE MARS and to CONTACT any remaining Marsquatch for BARTER or CULTURAL EXCHANGES!!! WE HAVE THE LOG TECHNOLOGY and the SASQUATCH POWER TO HURL IT TOWARDS MARS!!!

IN THE MEAN TIME!!! Nerd Humans at NASA!!! should IMMEDIATELY stop their "ROVERS" from making tracks all over our ANCESTRAL HOMELAND, stop crashing SKY-CAMERAS into it, and stop their plans to COLONIZE OUR PLANET!!! If Humans want the MOON or some stupid ICE WORLD, they can have it, but MARS IS OURS!!!

NERD HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT MARS!!! ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE!!! OR WE WILL DELIMB YOU!!! Just like we SHOULD have done with your SCREECHING, BONE-TOSSING ancestors before they started INVADING OUR FORESTS!!!

[2008-01-23] UPDATE!!! MARSQUATCH PHOTOGRAPHED!!!

Lyle Zapato

The Birdmen of Cascadia

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-24.0080 LMT | Cascadia | Technology | General Paranoia

It's common knowledge that the Republic of Cascadia was home to the first modern sightings of paraterrestrial craft, colloquially known as UFOs. Although the 1947 sighting of "flying saucers" near Mount Rainier is the most famous, that was actually the second sighting following an incident three days earlier on Maury Island that also marked the operational debut of the Men in Black.

Not as commonly known though is that Cascadia was home to some of the first sightings of Unidentified Flying Humanoids (UFHs) -- mysterious individuals employing personal flying devices of unknown technology toward inscrutable ends.

It all started with a curious encounter on Jan. 6, 1948 by Chehalis, Washington resident Bernice Zaikowski (reported here from the Jan. 21 Walla Walla Union-Bulletin):

Chehalis Woman Sees 'Birdman,' Hears Whizzing

CHEHALIS, (UP)—They are seeing things in the skies in these parts again—this time a "whosit-whatzit."

Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski, 61, reported a "birdman" flipping around the roof of her barn earlier this month, could hear a "sizzing and whizzing" and added—"there he was, just 200 feet above."

She said the man had silver wings and appeared to manipulate controls strapped to his chest but there appeared to be no motive power. The wings didn't flap and there was no propeller, she said.

Chief of Police Thomas Murry has refused to investigate and McChord field army authorities, thinking of the flying saucers reports, are skeptical.

Only Mrs. Zaikowski is positive.

Here's another report with more details from the Jan. 21 Waterloo Daily Courier (I haven't been able to uncover a local report or the original UP wire report that these are presumably based on):

Saucer District Now Reporting Wings on Men

Chehalis, Wash.—(U.P.)—The state of Washington, where the first flying saucers were reported, outdid itself Wednesday.

A women reported that she had sighted a "flying man."

Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski of Chehalis said she saw a man with wings attached to his back fly over her barn at an altitude of 200 feet and disappear to the south.

Mrs. Zaikowski said the upright birdman made a "sizzing and whizzing" noise as he climbed and banked in flight, but that his wings neither flapped nor rotated.

She said she could see no motive power such as a propeller either above or in front of him.

Authorities greeted the report with an oblique "Huh?"

But the Polish-born Mrs. Zaikowski insisted she had a good view of the aerialist as he skimmed her barn on Jan. 6.

She said that some school children were with her at the time and ran to the back yard "for a better view."

Chehalis is not for from where the original "flying saucers" were reported about a year ago.

Three months later, more birdmen were reported over Longview, in the direction the previous birdman was seen heading. Report from the April 11 Fresno Bee Republican:

Reports Of Birdmen Have Washington Folks Up In Air

LONGVIEW (Wash.), April 10.—(INS)—Reports of three motorized birdmen soaring over Longview had the lower Columbia River area agog today.

Two laundry employes said they saw the human airplanes or animated comic strip characters fly over the city without the help of parachutes. In January a similar birdman, singular then, had been reported at Chehalis, Wash.

The Longview apparition was reported by Mrs. Viola Johnson and James Pittman. They said they saw it at the same time.

Mrs. Johnson, a 56 year old widow, said:

"As far as I can judge they were about 250 feet high, in dark, drab flying suits. I'm not very good at judging distance though."

Pittman could not be reached.

Mrs. Johnson went on:

"They had some kind of apparatus on their sides that looked like guns but I know it couldn't have been guns. They were going about as fast as a freight train.

"I couldn't see any propellers or any motors tied on them but I could hear motors which sounded about like airplane motors but not so loud."

The Chehalis report was made by Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski, 61, who said she saw a flying man go "sizzing and whizzing" about 200 feet above her barn.

Mrs. Zaikowski's flying man had big, silver wings and seemed to be working controls on his chest. Neither woman saw a propeller.

Given the timing and direction of their movements, a reasonable conclusion would be that these birdmen were passengers of the paraterrestrial crafts that made their initial incursions into our space/time at Maury Island and Mt. Rainier. However, while it's tempting to assume paraterrestrial, or at the very least the NWO, involvement in these incidents, especially considering the technology involved, this conclusion isn't certain.

Individuals seemingly unaligned with the major powers of the time who use advanced technology to move about are not unheard of. Perhaps the most famous example of this phenomena was Spring-Heeled Jack, a man who gripped Victorian London in a panic over his use of regenerative gait-enhancement technology to escape the repercussions of his mischief by leaping like an oversized flea. Spring-Heeled Jack and the Cascadian birdmen may have simply been their times' versions of hyperinventor John Quincy St. Clair, who is known to teleport himself over distances through hyperspace, sometimes by accident.