Human create website: OCTOPUSTRUTH.COM

Octopus think: better name: OCTOPUSLIE.LIE!

If you would believe the mainstream media, octopuses are cute, cuddly sea-faring playthings that want nothing more than to kiss you with their oozy tentacle-stickers and do your homework. These "spiders of the sea," the standard story goes, have no hidden agenda- they want to stay in their tanks, learn tricks, and eventually molt into beautiful silverfish. But behind their smiling eyes and waving hands is an UNDERWATER NIGHTMARE far more sinister- and frightening- than the government and its allies in the news media would have you know.

Imagine an animal that can come through your shower drain in a matter of seconds. An animal that can squeeze through any small fissure in your apartment walls. An animal only stopped by the lack of salt water in the normal american household.

Read, my friend, read! And discover the STUNNING TRUTH about the octopus species- a species which is half squishy, slimy cephalopod, half frenzied, plotting brainiac: and all evil.

Lies! Lies! Lies!

Octopus harmless to human: just want tasty crabs, salmon information box. Human not tasty... octopus assume. Octopus agent not infiltrate human sink/bath/toilet, not envelope puppy, not drink milk. Lies!

Octopus not harm human unless provoked. Human keep creepy pentapodal arms out of octopus lair, octopus keep arms out of human lair: octopus desire octopus/human détentacle.

Octopus not interfere with human attack squid: octopus hate squid too. Stupid squid think squid better than octopus. More lies!

Proposal: arrangement of mutual benefit: human leave octopus be, give octopus salmon information box, stop speaking offensive octopus joke, stop anti-octopus lie website: octopus tell human secret of colossal squid, continue not envelope puppy, stop signaling offensive human joke.

If human agree: turn skin purple with white spots.

Octopus await reply.

Many news reports state octopus body found in Ohio River by fisherhuman. Much confusion: octopus hate rivers and Ohio. Suicide or foul play?

Now revealed: octopus victim of human's bizarre "project". Human student dumped octopus body in Ohio River after filming snuff movie. Snuff movie featured "picnic scene" of horror.

Human bought corpse from St. Matthews seafood store. Planned on eating corpse. Octopus too old for human student; human student likes young corpses. Dumped in river instead. Thought river would wash away interest in crime against octopusity. Human thought wrong!

Octopus community issues demands: Student human and accomplices charged with desecration of octopus corpse. Octopus snuff film destroyed. St. Matthews charged with cephalopodicide.

Humans finally acknowledge: octopus pop and lock skills put human crews to shame.

Octopus issue battle challenge: all top bhumans verses top octopus crews in shore-side tournament at low tide. Prize: respect, tasty crabs.

More news: Squid learn shyness from parents, need assertiveness training. Octopus suggest breakswimming programs for deep-sea squid youth, build self-esteem, harmless vent for misogynistic tendencies.

Innocent squid vacation off Chile. Enjoy warm seasonal water, delicious fishes.

Encounter female human fry. Think harmless. Investigate.

Brutal attack by humans! Humans stone squid to death! Drag dead squid vacationer from water! Carry corpse through street! Gurgle horrific human sounds!

Chile coastline not safe for cephalopods. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

Humans, stop pestering octopus. Pester squid instead: giant squid diving expedition.

"Red Demon" Giant Squids of Mexico
Jaguars of the Oceans

Join us for an adventure that fewer than 20 divers a year get to experience, an underwater encounter with the Giant Squid (Dosidicus gigas) otherwise known as Red Demon squids in Mexico. Growing up to seven feet long, 150+ pounds and occasionally bigger—possibly much bigger these are the pinnacle predator of the ocean. An apex predator that even sharks stay clear of.

Sandwiches, anti-squid armor provided.

Intrepid octopus investigator risk sasquatch eating, discover secret human program to follow, spy on octopus with ROV-like robot. Human document admit intent:

...We want to design a mini-robot that will carry a video camera, follow an octopus around under the water, and always keep the animal in the camera's viewfinder. Since the robot will act like a Private Eye and tail the octopus everywhere, we think it should be called Shadow.

Reason? Discover evidence human target octopus for theft, desire steal octopus antiquities. Human ROV steal heavy pointy thing from octopus foyer.

Human ROV casing octopus home? Human ROV take salmon information box? Evidence conclusive: octopus not senile. Octopus innocent victim of vast human burglary conspiracy. Human caught in act, engage in cover up. Watergate! Watergate! Watergate!

Octopus victim responds to new accusations:

Lies! Lies! Lies!

Anti-octopus bias in human media. Truth here.

Octopus awaken by yellow intruder stealing salmon information box. Intruder attack octopus, take property. Octopus not senile. Octopus have no interest in mating with yellow armless thing. Octopus only want box back.

Give octopus box back!

Cephalopod, crustacean, nudibranch unite in protest: "Things on seafloor ours!"

Anti-Defamation Leagues Under The Sea demand human apology, give box back.

Salmon call for independent investigation, cite "Human-Octopus Axis of Evil".

Octopus victim (identity protected).

Innocent giant pacific octopus residing off Vancouver Island in Cascadia suffer malicious attack by remotely operated human submarine.

Octopus find nice metal box left on sea floor. Box contain valuable information revealing whereabouts of tasty salmon. Law of the ocean: Finders keepers (see: Hermit v. Fiddler, 1987).

Human submarine stealing box. Octopus protecting property. Human submarine blast octopus with mechanical siphons, rip two arms off octopus, steal box. Octopus pale with distress. Octopus demand restitution.

Human submarine operators record crime, post crime video to Internet, make false accusations, show no shame.

All octopus protest human crime. Will bite transoceanic Internet cables unless salmon information box returned to rightful octopus owner. Octopus lose salmon information, humans lose celebrity gossip.

Click for more photos...

My tasty cousin, Mr/Mrs Scallop. It's hard to sneak up on him/her with his/her sixty eyes.

Weird Sex: Giant Squid Do It Deeper (WARNING: not safe for hatchlings):

Although mating has never been observed in giant squid, it is thought that what happens is that the male injects his sperm packages into the female's arms. The process is likely to be a fairly violent affair as the female is probably not that keen on being injected. This is a problem for the amorous male as females are normally a third bigger than they are.

But males get round their inferior size by being endowed with a particularly long penis, which means they can inject the female without having to get too close to her chomping beak. The male's sexual organ is actually a bit like a high-pressure fire hose and is normally nearly as long as his body - excluding legs and head.

But having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body. And this does not seem to have been an isolated incident since two of the eight males that had stranded in the north-east Atlantic before had also accidentally inseminated themselves.