ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
The Monorailist

Monorail Akbar!

The Monorailist | 2007-04-08.3460 LMT | Monorail Danger

News from the East: The Hajj to be Monorailized!

A study prepared by the International Transport Projects Company for a monorail system that will transport pilgrims to and from the holy sites of Mecca, Mina, Muzdalifah, and Arafat has been joyously welcomed by agencies of the Saudi Arabian government. The $1.86 billion, four-line project could be completed in a mere four years and will be able to carry nearly 800,000 pilgrims during the Hajj in the sort of dignified efficiency that only monorails can offer.

As explained by monorailologist Dr. Muhammad Naji Kurdi, a Mecca monorail system will have wider social benefits beyond easing the pilgrimage: "It will also create new job opportunities for young Saudi graduates, especially in operating monorails and manufacturing carriages and their spare parts."

With the coming of the Monorail, disaffected Saudi youth will turn away from anti-social avenues of expression to embrace the uplifting of mankind through monorailular knowledge. This will lead Saudi Arabia inexorably away from their destructive oil-based economy toward a sustainable monorail-parts-and-services-based one -- a positive transformation that we must all go through in this new century, the Century of the Monorail!

Although the current plan only encompasses transporting pilgrims between the holy sites, my contacts in the International Monorailist Community assure me that Phase Two will present a bolder vision: Once the four separate lines are connected into a single, continuous one -- complete with spiraling track around the Kaaba, switchback tracks between Safa and Marwah, and the ability to cast stones from the monorail's window as it passes by the jamarat in Mina -- and a high-speed line from Mecca to Medina is added, pilgrims will one day be able to make the Umrah and the Greater Hajj without ever disembarking the Monorail.

Some in the Muslim world may be leery of such modernity coming to this, their most holy of places. But let me allay these fears: This choice to submit to the Monorail -- if such an irrefragable inevitability can be called a choice -- is the right one for Mecca and for Islam.

There is a natural concinnity between Monotheism and Monorailism -- a shared purity of Singularity that speaks to Unity and Transnational Brotherhood. While the Monorail is the epitome of Ultramodernity, it is also a timeless invocation of Oneness, uniting the Future and the Past in a continuously looping track with a station conveniently located at Now. How fitting then that the Five Pillars of Islam should be joined by the Concrete Pillars of the Monorail. In fact, I would dare suggest that it would not be theologically unreasonable to proclaim: "There is no God but Allah, and Monorail is His public transportation!"

I say unto the people of Saudi Arabia: Welcome! Welcome into the fold of Monorailfaring Nations! While Dubai may have gotten here ahead of you by creating the first monorail in your region, your contribution to the Monorailist Cause will be no less important, as you will be poised to introduce the profound spiritually transformative power of the Monorail to pilgrims from all over the World.

So, to the minarets, you muezzin of Monorailism, and let this be your adhan: A Mecca for Monorailists! a Monorail for Mecca!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE TRUTH ABOUT MARS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-30.9700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Paraterrestrials

Using one of their "ROVERS" -- which I can only assume is some sort of METAL DOG with CRYPTO-CAMERAS tied to it -- Humans at NASA!!! have STUMBLED UPON THE TRUTH ABOUT PLANET MARS:

MARSQUATCH PRINT
(CLICK FOR NASA!!! SITE!!!)

This photo of a HOMINOID FOOTPRINT on Mars' surface CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Mars was once INHABITED BY A TRIBE OF ANCIENT HOMINOIDS!!! These "MARSQUATCH" no doubt are the ones who seeded the volcanoes on Earth from which ALL TERRESTRIAL HOMINOIDS ERUPTED!!! This means that Mars is PART OF THE COMMON HERITAGE of all Sasquatch, Yeti, Yowie, Grendel, Hibagon, Mawas, Enkidu, Agogure, and even Teh-Lmas!

In light of this new discovery, I am howling on the SASQUATCH MILITIA to start a SASQUATCH SPACE INITIATIVE!!! I believe that in three years time we can have a HOLLOWED OUT SEQUOIA LOG capable of carrying three or four brave ASTROSQUATCHES on a mission to EXPLORE MARS and to CONTACT any remaining Marsquatch for BARTER or CULTURAL EXCHANGES!!! WE HAVE THE LOG TECHNOLOGY and the SASQUATCH POWER TO HURL IT TOWARDS MARS!!!

IN THE MEAN TIME!!! Nerd Humans at NASA!!! should IMMEDIATELY stop their "ROVERS" from making tracks all over our ANCESTRAL HOMELAND, stop crashing SKY-CAMERAS into it, and stop their plans to COLONIZE OUR PLANET!!! If Humans want the MOON or some stupid ICE WORLD, they can have it, but MARS IS OURS!!!

NERD HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT MARS!!! ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE!!! OR WE WILL DELIMB YOU!!! Just like we SHOULD have done with your SCREECHING, BONE-TOSSING ancestors before they started INVADING OUR FORESTS!!!

[2008-01-23] UPDATE!!! MARSQUATCH PHOTOGRAPHED!!!

Lyle Zapato

Nerd Nite's Alrite For Feit-Thompsoning

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-28.9650 LMT | Entertainment | Art | Nature

In Inkling Magazine's "Nerds Just Wanna Have Fun," Kurt Wong tells us about Nerd Nites, informal scientific symposia held in bars and clubs in Boston and New York where scientists hook up with vibrating tadpoles over lectures on synchrotron-based X-ray scattering, Z/W sex chromosomes, and worm poop.

If you don't know your fusiform gyrus from your fuel-efficient Prius, you might be out of your league at first, but put on your beer goggles (held together with single malt scotch tape) and you'll quickly become a vocal expert on every topic discussed. And if not, you can at least hope a fight breaks out when some drunk catastrophic limnogeologist pulls a Michael Richards and starts hurling untoward comments at uniformitarians in the audience. Now that's edutainment.

As you'll note, I did the illustration for the Inkling article, which gave me an excuse to draw this happy little camel spider:

camel spider

I think he makes for an apt exemplifying topic illustration since, like potential Nerd Nite attendees, Solifugae are active at night, seek dark recesses, and get their nourishment from drink (Guinness and liquefied beetles, respectively... or, possibly, irrespectively).

Oh, and my finite apologies for the awkward and way, way, way too obscure (yet, oddly solvable) nerd pun in the title. There's just no excuse for that sort of thing.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: 1930-40s ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-26.2950 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Retro

Using the Hominoidnet, I have uncovered ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA published in Human news-papers from the 1930s and 1940s! Here is a BLATANT EXAMPLE from 1934:

'Are they the LAST CAVE MEN?'
REDUCED, EDITED VERSION -- CLICK FOR FULL ARTICLE (192 Kio)!!!

First of all: WE DO NOT LIVE IN CAVES!!! That is a VICIOUS LIE that was spread in an attempt to DENY us our RIGHTFUL FORESTS!!! Second: WE DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT!!! Thirdly: WE ARE NOT THE STRANGE ONES!!! Fourthly: I am certain that the Human in the floaty thing -- TOM CEDAR!!! -- must have been UP TO NO GOOD if that Sasquatch hurled boulders at him! WE DO NOT WASTE GOOD THROWIN' BOULDERS IN THE WATER WITHOUT A REASON!!! But the Human media makes TOM CEDAR sound all INNOCENT and VICTIMIZED!!! Typical!

MORE EXAMPLES OF ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA FROM THE '30S AND '40S...

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

The Birdmen of Cascadia

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-24.0080 LMT | Cascadia | Technology | Paraterrestrials | General Paranoia

It's common knowledge that the Republic of Cascadia was home to the first modern sightings of paraterrestrial craft, colloquially known as UFOs. Although the 1947 sighting of "flying saucers" near Mount Rainier is the most famous, that was actually the second sighting following an incident three days earlier on Maury Island that also marked the operational debut of the Men in Black.

Not as commonly known though is that Cascadia was home to some of the first sightings of Unidentified Flying Humanoids (UFHs) -- mysterious individuals employing personal flying devices of unknown technology toward inscrutable ends.

It all started with a curious encounter on Jan. 6, 1948 by Chehalis, Washington resident Bernize Zaikowski (reported here from the Jan. 21 Walla Walla Union-Bulletin):

Chehalis Woman Sees 'Birdman,' Hears Whizzing

CHEHALIS, (UP)—They are seeing things in the skies in these parts again—this time a "whosit-whatzit."

Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski, 61, reported a "birdman" flipping around the roof of her barn earlier this month, could hear a "sizzing and whizzing" and added—"there he was, just 200 feet above."

She said the man had silver wings and appeared to manipulate controls strapped to his chest but there appeared to be no motive power. The wings didn't flap and there was no propeller, she said.

Chief of Police Thomas Murry has refused to investigate and McChord field army authorities, thinking of the flying saucers reports, are skeptical.

Only Mrs. Zaikowski is positive.

Here's another report with more details from the Jan. 21 Waterloo Daily Courier (I haven't been able to uncover a local report or the original UP wire report that these are presumably based on):

Saucer District Now Reporting Wings on Men

Chehalis, Wash.—(U.P.)—The state of Washington, where the first flying saucers were reported, outdid itself Wednesday.

A women reported that she had sighted a "flying man."

Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski of Chehalis said she saw a man with wings attached to his back fly over her barn at an altitude of 200 feet and disappear to the south.

Mrs. Zaikowski said the upright birdman made a "sizzing and whizzing" noise as he climbed and banked in flight, but that his wings neither flapped nor rotated.

She said she could see no motive power such as a propeller either above or in front of him.

Authorities greeted the report with an oblique "Huh?"

But the Polish-born Mrs. Zaikowski insisted she had a good view of the aerialist as he skimmed her barn on Jan. 6.

She said that some school children were with her at the time and ran to the back yard "for a better view."

Chehalis is not for from where the original "flying saucers" were reported about a year ago.

[UPDATE: 2016-01-27] A wire report from International News Service, reprinted in the Jan. 25 Fresno Bee, includes more details, as well as military denials and a refusal by the police to investigate:

Birdman Is New Aerial Mystery In Washington

CHEHALIS (Wash.), Jan 24.—(INS)—A mysterious birdman added today to the list of aerial apparitions that began with reports of "flying saucers" last Summer.

Mrs. Bertha Zaikowski, 61, insists she saw the birdman go "sizzing and whizzing" through the air 200 feet above her Chehalis barn January 6th.

An air force officer at McChord Field, near Tacoma, Wash., said the report "sounded like one of those saucers deals—I just can't put any stock in it." Police Chief Tom Murray of Chehalis refused with a chuckle to investigate.

Mrs. Zaikowski declared the birdman was equipped with big, silver wings fastened over his shoulders with straps. He seemed to handle controls strapped to his chest as he buzzed along.

Acquaintances do not question the Polish born woman's truthfulness. She claimed the "wings" drew near the man's body as he climbed and extended when he hovered, banked or flew on a level course.

She still wonders what made him go, for the "wings" did not flap and she could not see any propellor. It could not have been a one man helicopter, she declared, for the wings did not rotate.

Mrs. Zaikowski said at least five other Chehalis people told her of seeing the man. She said:

There were a lot of small children coming home from school. They saw the man, too, and asked me if they could go into my back yard so that they could watch him longer as he flew toward the south end of the city.

Three months later, more birdmen were reported over Longview, in the direction the previous birdman was seen heading. Wire report reprinted in the April 11 Cumberland Sunday Times (MD):

Motorized "Birdmen" Mystify People In Washington Town

LONGVIEW, Wash., April 10 (INS)—Reports of three motorized birdmen soaring over Longview had the lower Columbia River area agog today.

Two laundry employes said they saw the human airplanes or animated comic strip characters fly over the city without the help of parachutes. In January a similar birdman, singular then, had been reported at Chehalis.

The Longview apparition was reported by Mrs. Viola Johnson and James Pittman, both employees of a laundry. They said they saw it at the same time.

Out Of Sight First

They called other workers, but before they could get outside the flyers were out of sight.

Mrs. Johnson, a 56-year-old widow, said:

"As far as I can judge they were about 250 feet high, in dark, drab flying suits. I'm not very good at judging distance though."

Pittman could not be reached.

Mrs. Johnson went on:

"They had some kind of apparatus on their sides that looked like guns, but I know it couldn't have been guns. They were going about as fast as a freight train.

"I couldn't see any propellers or any motors tied on them, but I could hear motors which sounded about like airplane motors, but not so loud."

Saw Feet Dangling

"I couldn't make out their arms, but I could see their feet dangling, and they kept moving their heads like they were looking around. I couldn't tell if they had goggles on, but their heads looked like they had helmets. I couldn't see their faces."

Other Longview residents reported hearing plane motors about the same time and seeing three planes circle at a high altitude.

The Chehalis report was made by Mrs. Bernice Zaikowski, 61, who said she saw a flying man go "sizzing and whizzing" about 200 feet above her barn.

Mrs. Zaikowski's flying man had big, silver wings and seemed to be working controls on his chest. Neither woman saw a propellor.

Given the timing and direction of their movements, a reasonable conclusion would be that these birdmen were passengers of the paraterrestrial crafts that made their initial incursions into our space/time at Maury Island and Mt. Rainier. However, while it's tempting to assume paraterrestrial, or at the very least the NWO, involvement in these incidents, especially considering the technology involved, this conclusion isn't certain.

Individuals seemingly unaligned with the major powers of the time who use advanced technology to move about are not unheard of. Perhaps the most famous example of this phenomena was Spring-Heeled Jack, a man who gripped Victorian London in a panic over his use of regenerative gait-enhancement technology to escape the repercussions of his mischief by leaping like an oversized flea. Spring-Heeled Jack and the Cascadian birdmen may have simply been their times' versions of hyperinventor John Quincy St. Clair, who is known to teleport himself over distances through hyperspace, sometimes by accident.

[UPDATE: 2016-01-27] On Oct. 30, 1976, Daily Chronicle (Centralia) sports editor Chuck Wilfong wrote a short article about UFHs (or "winged weirdies" as he called them), in which he gives an update to the Zaikowski sighting, claiming that the identity of the birdman had been discovered:

Beware! The mothman cometh

[...]

The sighting caused a minor sensation in the region at the time, with both the Seattle PI and Portland Oregonian giving it a big play.

Such coverage, however, did not exactly delight the Zaikowski family.

"They (the newspapers) made it seem so dumb," explained Mrs. George Zaikowski this week. "She (Bernize) was old country and when she tried to explain what she saw it sounded weird, hard to understand."

Particularly irksome was the fact that, while both metropolitan dailies played up the event, they did not give equal space to the explanation.

The Zaikowskis learned later that the apparition was a man in a "parakite," forerunner to the present day hang glider.

"It was about the time they were trying to find someplace to use hang gliders," Mrs. George Zaikowski recalls. "There were those who felt this area would have been a good place for it."

To Mrs. Bernize Zaikowski, though, born in Poland and used to old country ways, the contraption was something strange.

And it was really. Any flying man is.

While a convincing explanation for the orthonoid, it doesn't explain the fact that both Zaikowski and Johnson heard motor sounds but neither saw a propeller. There is no doubt that various winged personal flying contraptions such as parasails and hang gliders were being openly developed by known parties at the time, but they all used either propeller systems or were silent gliders. None had the retractable wings or chest controls described by Zaikowski.

The mystery of the Cascadian Birdman remains.

Lyle Zapato

Monorail Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-16.8970 LMT | Monorail Danger | Random Found Thing

First it was a monorail built exclusively for puppies, which the Monorailists hoped would lower people's natural resistance to monorails. At the time, I noted that the canonical psychotronic enamorment memeplex involves cute kittens and wondered why the monorailists would choose the non-standard cuteness vector of puppies.

Well, now the monorailists are closing the cuteness gap with their newest propaganda ploy. I introduce to you (assuming you haven't already seen it in the memeosphere):

MONORAIL CAT

As with the Toyger and Hitler cats, the Monorail Cat was bred by eugenicists to resemble something it is not. In this case, a monorail train.

Most likely building on the work of the controversial Munchkin cat breeders, the Monorailists have created a cat with only vestigial legs and a ventral groove that allows it to slide on its belly fur along smooth tracks. Soon they will have a whole army of Monorail Cats with which to slide across the railings and banisters in our communities, lulling naive people into acceptance of -- and, eventually, desire for -- monorailular movement.

I just hope breeding these cats for monorail-like traits hasn't resulted in them exhibiting the same propensity for spontaneous combustion as with real monorails.

More examples of Monorail Cat propaganda images are being spread via a cat fancier site called "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?" (and possibly at monorailcat.com, which for now only says "Coming Soon!").

The Monorailist

Musical: Monorail Inferno

The Monorailist | 2007-03-16.6210 LMT | Monorail Danger | Entertainment

The Footlight Theater in Orlando, Florida is restaging Michael Wanzie's 1986 musical Monorail Inferno, a story of monorail passengers having their trip to Disney World interrupted by a mysterious malfunction that causes the monorail to burst into flames.

Monorail Inferno banner ad

While I support the use of the Monorail as the singular unifying theme for all the arts, I must strongly rebuke the anti-monorail sensationalism and, ultimately, nihilism that this musical represents! Yes, it is true that the story was inspired by an actual monorail combustion event at Disney World in 1985, but why must the musical theater industry choose to focus on such rare, certainly-sabotage-related monorail combustions instead of portraying the Monorail in a positive light? -- the light of hope that radiates from the Monorail to all who have the eyes and soul to perceive it.

Where are the taut, character-driven plays about simple folk embracing Monorailism and transcending the mundanity of their work-a-day world? Where are the operatic sagas of bold City Leaders vanquishing the Foes of Monorailular Progress and ushering in a New Age of the Monorail? Where are the light romantic comedies of love found, love lost, love regained, and lives lived all aboard the Monorail? It's bad enough with all the anti-monorail propaganda coming out of Hollywood, must we find nothing to uplift the minds and bodies of the masses through pro-monorail theatrical arts?

All that being said, I do have to commend the Footlight Theater for having a two-for-one Monorail Pilots night tomorrow:

MONORAIL PILOTS get TWO 4 ONE admission! Saturday March 17th ONLY.: Buy one - ONLY if you arrive at the theater wearing your Monorail Costume, or bring along a photo of you in your monorail costume - or some other sort of documentation which proves you have at some point in your life, piloted a Walt Disney World Monorail.

But is this really enough to honor our brave Monorail Pilots? Have we as a society lost our ability to show proper gratitude to those with the fearless audacity to pilot our destiny?

There was a time when a Monorail Pilot wouldn't be able to walk among the surface-dwelling populace in his uniform without drawing the attention of all who passed by: Women would alternately swoon and giggle. Men would be so overcome with pride in Humanity's accomplishments that they would forget their envy. Children would point and squeal in wide-eyed amazement: "Look Mommy! Could that really be a Monorail Pilot?" Monorail Pilots were constantly being stopped and asked for autographs, or to have their pictures taken with the kids, or to officiate at weddings or store openings or beauty pageants, or to settle disputes both civil and philosophical. Such was the respect, the awe, with which people held those who commanded the vehicles that commanded our dreams. In those times, giving Monorail Pilots free tickets to the theater was more a moral obligation than a one-day promotion.

Like most young boys, it was always my dream to some day become a Monorail Pilot -- to soar along the track with my hand on the throttle and my gaze set stalwartly toward the infinite reaches of Mankind's potential. But, alas, it shames me to confess that I was found ineligible for the Monorail Pilot Corps due to a congenital strabismic condition that causes me, when I look out the cockpit window, to see two rails instead of one.

Although I cannot enjoy the privilege of being a Monorail Pilot, I will do my part, without bitterness or self-pity, for the cause of Humanity's Elevationment; I will continue to press for the adoption of the Monorail throughout the world and to rebuke those who spread lies about this most singular marvel of Mankind's ingenuity. The jaded anti-monorail views of the musical theater community will find no quarter with me!

Lyle Zapato

"A New Dawn for the Tree Octopus"

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-09.2560 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia | Fonts | Art | Crass Commercialism
poster

Introducing the poster "A New Dawn for the Tree Octopus", issued by the Cascadian Department of Cephalopod Conservation to raise awareness of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus's plight. It depicts a lone tree octopus in the coastal forests of Hood Canal waking from her coniferous lair to a New Dawn for her species. Are you doing your part to help save the tree octopus?

(The poster was created by artists employed by the Cascadian Works Progress Administration, which provides honest jobs for honest barter to unemployed Sasquatch trained in the vector arts.)

Currently I'm making the image available on a mini poster, large poster, and postcards. If anyone is interested in having it on anything else, let me know.

As a bonus, the poster uses my newest font: Enemy Sub! (Actually, I made the font over a year ago and just procrastinated putting it up.)

Also, I updated the Tree Octopus logo used on the merchandise in the shop. I ate my own dog food by using my Duarte Centenario font, which, while not as patriotic as the previously used Tahoma, does look better with the rough tentacle ribbon image. If you bought a product with the older image, it's now a valuable collector's item. Sell it on eBay and get rich!

The Typing Octopus

Octopus Lie

The Typing Octopus | 2007-02-28.7010 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature

Human create website: OCTOPUSTRUTH.COM

Octopus think: better name: OCTOPUSLIE.LIE!

If you would believe the mainstream media, octopuses are cute, cuddly sea-faring playthings that want nothing more than to kiss you with their oozy tentacle-stickers and do your homework. These "spiders of the sea," the standard story goes, have no hidden agenda- they want to stay in their tanks, learn tricks, and eventually molt into beautiful silverfish. But behind their smiling eyes and waving hands is an UNDERWATER NIGHTMARE far more sinister- and frightening- than the government and its allies in the news media would have you know.

Imagine an animal that can come through your shower drain in a matter of seconds. An animal that can squeeze through any small fissure in your apartment walls. An animal only stopped by the lack of salt water in the normal american household.

Read, my friend, read! And discover the STUNNING TRUTH about the octopus species- a species which is half squishy, slimy cephalopod, half frenzied, plotting brainiac: and all evil.

Lies! Lies! Lies!

Octopus harmless to human: just want tasty crabs, salmon information box. Human not tasty... octopus assume. Octopus agent not infiltrate human sink/bath/toilet, not envelope puppy, not drink milk. Lies!

Octopus not harm human unless provoked. Human keep creepy pentapodal arms out of octopus lair, octopus keep arms out of human lair: octopus desire octopus/human détentacle.

Octopus not interfere with human attack squid: octopus hate squid too. Stupid squid think squid better than octopus. More lies!

Proposal: arrangement of mutual benefit: human leave octopus be, give octopus salmon information box, stop speaking offensive octopus joke, stop anti-octopus lie website: octopus tell human secret of colossal squid, continue not envelope puppy, stop signaling offensive human joke.

If human agree: turn skin purple with white spots.

Octopus await reply.

Lyle Zapato

Another Colossal Squid Caught

Lyle Zapato | 2007-02-23.5590 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature
Colossal squid

Around the beginning of this month, a 10m long, 450kg male colossal squid (Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni) was caught in the Ross Sea by a fishing vessel. This is the largest squid ever caught, and it was captured live and intact. (It's now dead and on ice.)

This was all over the news yesterday, and I have added a special report on it on my Cephalopod News section. (I added it to the page with the report on the previous colossal squid catch when I noticed a huge number of hits to that page coming from Google searches.)

For the benefit of blog readers who haven't been paying attention to CephNews, factoids about this newest colossal squid can be read on the report page

UPDATE: 2007-03-08

According to Newsweek, video footage of the squid being hauled in was shot by Bennett and was sold to a production company in Auckland for an undisclosed amount. A documentary featuring the footage should be released sometime in April.

UPDATE: 2007-03-15

Removed factoids from above so I don't have to update two lists. Go read the report for all the details.