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Lyle Zapato

A Decade Of ZPi

Lyle Zapato | 2007-01-05.2610 LMT | Site

2007 marks the 10th anniversary of the ZPi website. That's right, we've been serving the paranoid for a decade!

This site first appeared on the World Wide Web sometime in the year 1997. I've unfortunately forgotten the exact date, although it was actually later in the year. For the sake of convenience (and to dilute the overwhelming momentousness of the occasion by spreading it out over 12 months) we'll just call all of 2007 The Anniversary.

A brief history of the site, particularly points not recorded elsewhere, is in order:

ZPi itself originated in 1995 with the release of MindGuard for the Amiga. During that time I wasn't yet on the Internet, choosing instead to spread paranoia via various Cascadian BBSs -- then the most paranoid form of communication next to CB radio.

I also went through a number of organizational names, including "Lyle Zapato Product Development International", "Zapato Development And Haberdashery", and "Deborah".

MindGuard was but one of a number of products I was working on at the time. For your historical amusement, here's a combined list (from lists originally posted on a BBS, recently dug up off of an old 3½" floppy) of some products in development from late 1995 to early 1996, none of which, for various reasons, saw the light of day:

* SOFTWARE

  - MrGene: [An interface program for the Kortech P350 & P700 Personal DNA Sequencers] Still in development stages. I'm sorry for how long it is taking to bring this product to release, but you have to understand, every time I test the damn thing I need to put on a hazmat suit as the bugs in it keep causing unknown strains of botulism and e-coli. I think this is being caused by an integer to pointer conversion error but I can't track it down. Until I get this problem fixed, it would be unethical (and most likely litigable,) for me to release MrGene.

* RELIGIOUS/DEVOTIONAL

  - Whirling Dervish Whirl-O-Meter: Allows you to keep track of how many times you whirl around as well as average whirl speed. Stylish and comfortable device fits around your waist and uses proven inferred technology found in many household electronics. Deluxe model will come with a Whirl Calculator that can be used to find your optimal whirling speed for trance initiation.

* LITERATURE

  - Tapes in Book: With the popularity of books on tape, I've decided to explore the possibilities of related markets, namely the converting of tapes to books. The first tape that will be converted into convenient book form will be "Sounds of the Rainforest", a lovely tape that features high-quality true-stereo recordings of an Amazonian rainforest. The book form will feature accurate descriptions of every bird call, monkey howl, and rain drop and will be written by a real paid writer. I am also considering a book on tape version of the tape in book version of "Sounds of the Rainforest" that will feature James Earl Jones reading the descriptions of the rainforest sounds. This may be joined later by a video of James Earl Jones reading the descriptions of rainforest sounds in an actual rainforest. I may then tie the whole thing together by releasing a Video in Book version of the video that will feature accurate descriptions of James Earl Jones reading the tape in book version of the "Sounds of the Rainforest" in a rainforest, and will come with a CD-ROM that shows the making of all the books, tapes, and videos aforementioned and also includes a MPEG video of the making of the CD-ROM itself, the Video in Book description of which will be in the last chapter of the book.

* FOOD PRODUCTS

  - Cap'n Chuck's Briny Breakfast Bits: "The first presalted kid's breakfast cereal. Mouth puckering puffed wheat in four colorful maritime shapes: Scary Shark, Abyssal Anchor, Silly Sea Anemone, & Gastropodious Geoduck. Vitamin C enriched for extra scurvy protection." Kelloggs and General Mills haven't returned any of my calls.

Realizing my product line was lacking focus, I changed my organizational name one last time to "Zapato Productions intradimensional" ("ZPi" for short) and narrowed the focus to within the dimension of paranoia. Note that I was using a lower-case "i" -- next to an upper-case "P", no less! -- a full four years (and change) before Apple made it fashionable with trendy hipster wannabes. I feel like Xerox PARC!

When I eventually attacked the Internet, the first beachhead I established was an official homepage for MindGuard, offering a basic pitch and free download -- a rudimentary, one-page site with a tacky design that quickly went offline as I planned a more extensive ZPi Internet presence.

Ye Olde Logoe
One of the original ZPi logos. Beware its psioptic blinking.

That presence arrived in late 1997 and was hosted on Tripod (chosen because it was at the time less obnoxious than Geocities). My Tripod member name, and consequently part of the URL, was "zoam", which I had been using as an email name for a while, for reasons that escape me. (For you ZPi completists, visit zoam.tripod.com and see a page from 2000 redirecting people to the then-new site.)

The very first version of the site has been lost, but I know it included MindGuard, information about the AFDB (which was originally contained within the MindGuard documentation), and the Truth about Belgium. By 1998, the site included a large percentage of what it does today (which you can either take as my being forward thinking or lazy since then), as can be seen in this cached version from December 2, 1998 (the oldest version the Internet Archive has).

In May of 2000, ZPi moved from the advert-laden, PHPless servers of Tripod to space generously donated by Alan Clegg. This move necessitated a proper domain name: zapatopi.net, chosen mainly because "zpi" was already taken for all TLDs.

Forced by this lack of available three-letter URLs to expand the first word of the abbreviation (the alternatives -- "zproductionsi", "zpintradimensional", "zapato­productions­intradimensional", etc. -- deemed too long and/or ugly), serendipity struck and a new logo/mascot/unifying-motif was backformed: "Zapato" + "Octopi" = "Zapatopi", an octopus wearing shoes.

Brushed metal?
One of the first Zapatopi logos used in the site masthead.

This tied in nicely with my work protecting the endangered Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, plus it put me in the vanguard of the current popularity of cephalopodan themes at a time when everything hip was penguins (Hollywood, with its turning radius of a diplodocus, can only play catch-up).

Of course, this URL did have some downsides: people kept mispronouncing it "zap-uh-toe-pee" or thinking my name was "Mr. Zapatopi", but I was willing to live with these minor annoyances.

Over the years there have been many changes and developments: the addition of a blog in 2004; the publishing of the AFDB book in 2002; the off-handed introduction of the Dactyl Fractal, which now consumes most of the site's bandwidth in an ever-spiraling bid for total memetic hegemony. But, through it all, the paranoia remained constant. Maybe a little too constant. Suspiciously constant...

I would like to thank all the people who contributed to -- or conspired on -- this site: Alan; "Commando" from the BBS days; the many people who've sent in things that I have posted, freeing me from having to create original content myself; guestbook signers; everyone who bought the AFDB book (all seven of you); people who've emailed me but whom I haven't gotten around to responding to yet, only it's been so long now that it'd be too awkward to write back, so their emails just sit in my inbox, judging me; and anyone else I forgot.

Having been around for a decade, the site, especially those parts in which my interest has waned, has accumulated some cruft: archaic web design, outdated references, dead links. There were also things that I planned on doing or adding but never finished. Over the coming year I'll try to revisit all areas of the site and either update or, in some cases, rewrite them. Hopefully this renovation will enable the site live for another 10 years -- or at least until the world as we know it ends on December 21, 2012 with the return of the periodical Quetzalcoatlus armada.

Until then, trust no one (except ZPi).

Lyle Zapato

International Congress Of Nanotechnology 2006

Lyle Zapato | 2006-10-01.0610 LMT | Black Helicopters | Technology | Bohemian Grove Cabal

I've been put on a list...

International Congress of Nanotechnology

Dear Colleague:

You are invited to participate in the premier international nanotechnology event on October 30-November 2, 2006 in San Francisco.

More than 150 speakers and presenters from 35 countries will cover a complete spectrum of the emerging field of Nanotechnology: from the latest research and development in nanomaterials, nanoelectronics, nanophotonics, nanobiotechnology, nanomedicine, nanoethics, workforce education and training, environmental, societal and health and safety implications, to nanotech venture capital investment.

Early-bird registration will end on October 7, 2006. Please register now and save

Please visit our web site: www.icnt.org

As much as I would like to attend and speak on the nano­bio­techno­logical menace of Black Helicopters -- which is presumably the reason I received this invitation -- unfortunately the Congress is being held in Cabalist-controlled San Francisco, so I fear this could be a ruse to entrap me.

If anyone would like to go in my stead and present a poster of my findings, here's a PDF version. Just make sure your escape plan takes into consideration that you will be surrounded by nanotechnicians capable of blowing pocket nanodust in your face -- as well as possible coalesced Black Helicopter MOBs.

The Belgian

Once More The Belgian Nationale Feestdag!

The Belgian | 2006-07-20.6640 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy

21 Juli! It is again the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We are celebrating 176 years of Belgium existing!

You wish to celebrate the Feestdag with us, no? Then you will get on the plane and come to the themepark that is the best in the world... PLOPSALAND! It is totally a real themepark!

The Plopsaland, she is totally not the same as the Eurodisneyland... she is much better! She has the monorail that looks like the train... two rides in one! She has the PIRATENZONE! Not just the one ride but the whole zone she is filled with the pirates fun! She has the Plopsa Coo, where the Plopsa Zandsculpturenfestival she is now going on! You build the castles of sand, no? And there are many Plopsa things to buy in the Plopsa Winkel... the Plopsa, she is without the end!

Bring your whole family -- especially the little ones! The kids, they love the Plopsaland! All their favourite Studio 100 characters they are waiting here! There is the Samson & Gert, the Wizzy & Woppy, the Big & Betsy, the Piet Piraat, the Bumba, and of course the Kabouter Plop... you know and love them all! They are living in the Plopsaland, maybe you will live there too, no?

NWO Agent 5573-XQ

Conspiracy Con 2006

NWO Agent 5573-XQ | 2006-04-20.2235 LMT | NWO | General Paranoia

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Begins:]

TO ALL NWO AGENTS, PARANOIA MANAGEMENT DIVISION:

Project Conspiracy Con will initiate the 2006 Inoculation Phase on May 27 in Santa Clara, California.

Centralization of paranoids under guise of convention will facilitate primary objective of disinforming the paranoid community with memetically deconstructed conspiracy facts.

Secondary objective is psychotronic reëducation of key paranoid figures. Protocols from Belgium Division stipulate that Jim Marrs not be wearing his hat.

Completion of Inoculation Phase and beginning of Dissemination Phase will occur following May 28.

Paranoid Infiltration Agents stationed at Bohemian Grove trained in Class B Psychosocial Mingling are to be deployed to Santa Clara Hyatt Regency to provide crowd conditioning. Agents will be provided with suitable paranoid attire and background dossiers.

Refer to included link for more general talking points.

Link: http://www.conspiracycon.com/

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Ends.]

Lyle Zapato

Teslabrations!

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-26.9900 LMT | Kelviniana | Technology

The Tesla Society has asked me to mention that Nikola Tesla's 150th birthday is coming up on July 10, 2006. Be sure to join in the WORLDWIDE TESLABRATIONS! You still have plenty of time to build your own Tesla coil.

Lord Kelvin thought highly of Tesla, saying that he had "contributed more to electrical science than any man up to his time." It was Kelvin who in 1893 headed the Niagara Falls Commission which chose Tesla's AC technology over Edison's DC.

When Tesla was being mocked by the media for revealing that he received radio transmissions from Mars, Kelvin came to his defense and silenced all criticism by proclaiming himself in complete agreement that Mars was signalling New York, since it was the "most marvellous lighted city in the world" and the only place visible to the Martians.

(Kelvin's proclamation was reported in "Lord Kelvin Believes Mars Now Signalling America", Philadelphia North American, May 18, 1902, Mag. Sec. V, which I haven't yet seen. If anyone knows where to find a copy of this, or any other related reports, please contact me.)

(UPDATE: Lord Kelvin later denied he agreed with Tesla on Martian signals. See: "On the Martians Signalling Earth.")

Kelvin and Tesla also corresponded, as well as exchanging books on electrical science and Vedic philosophy:

15, Eaton Place
London, S.W.
May 20, 1902

Dear Mr. Tesla,

I do not know how I can ever thank you enough for the most kind letter of May, 10, which I found in my cabin in the Lucania, with the beautiful books which you most kindly sent me along with it:--"The Buried Temple", "The Gospel of Bhudda", "Les Grands Inities", the exquisite edition of Rossetti's "House of Life", and last but not least the Century Magazine for June, 1900 with the splendid and marvellous photographs on pp. 176, 187, 190, 191, 192, full of electrical lessons.

We had a most beautiful passage across the Atlantic, much the finest I have ever had. I was trying hard nearly all the way, but quite unsuccessfully, to find something definite as to the functions of ether in respect to plain, old fashioned magnetism. A propos of this, I have instructed the publishers, Messrs. Macmillan, to send you at the Waldorf a copy of my book (Collection of Separate Papers) on Electrostatics and Magnetism. I shall be glad if you will accept it from me as a very small mark of my gratitude to you for your kindness. You may possibly find something interesting in the articles on Atmospheric Electricity which it contains.

Lady Kelvin joins me in kind regards, and I remain,

Yours always truly,

Kelvin

Thank you also warmly for the beautiful flowers.

The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Returns!

The Belgian | 2005-07-20.6250 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy

Today she is the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We celebrate 175 years of existing!

We celebrate also the first-ever Tintin Festival of Brussels! (The inferior English description, she is here.)

Tintin Euro

Tintin, he is the greatest Belgium nationale hero! He is the greatest hero of the world! Who can there be better than Tintin? He is a young reporter who went on many adventures with his faithful dog Milou, or as you say Snowy. He demolished the Soviets using reporting and in 1954 he became the first person to visit the Moon... The Moon, she is Belgian now!

Tintin is the perfect hero everyone wishes to become, and who all the Belgians are! He is the incorporation of Belgian superiority and the exciting life that we Belgians have. You will envy him, yes?

There is time left for you to visit Brussels and experience the Tintin Festival. There will be soapbox races and other diversions. Your life will be meaningless if you do not come! Do not listen to the lies of M. Zapato; our country exists and you will not be kidnapped! Bring your whole family, or do not tell them you come... either would be good!

The Typing Octopus

Congratulations Aurora!

The Typing Octopus | 2005-04-14.1700 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature
Lyle Zapato

Lord Kelvin Exhibit

Lyle Zapato | 2005-03-23.3250 LMT | Kelviniana
The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Is Here!

The Belgian | 2004-07-20.6250 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy
Lyle Zapato

Blythe Kelvinmas!

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-26.0000 LMT | Kelviniana

It's the 180th birthday of the Lord Kelvin! Catch up on some of His wise words:

Lord Kelvin "A boy should have learnt by the age of twelve to write his own language with accuracy and some degree of elegance; he should have a reading knowledge of French, should be able to translate Latin and easy Greek authors and should have some acquaintance with German."

In addition to these minimum accomplishments, by the age of twelve Kelvin had won a prize for translating a dialogue of the Greek satirist Lucian and was in His second year at the University of Glasgow. What had you accomplished by the age of twelve?

Learn more about Kelvinmas...