OH, FOR HOWLING OUT LOUD...
The Spirit of Sasquatch
Telepathic Communication Sessions
Interspecies Communicator and
The wisdom now being shared by Sasquatch is pivotal in shepherding the humans through the upcoming changes on the planet Earth we all share.
Human KATHLEEN gets other foolish Humans to barter with her by claiming that she can TELEPATHICALLY HOWL with a Sasquatch family that lives near her in the Siskiyou Mountains:
To communicate with Sasquatch, [KATHLEEN] must go into the sacred place on her property. She detects their presence and their smell, which she describes as earthy. Soon her mind fills with their thoughts, which she writes down verbatim. For most folks she charges $95 an hour for a telephone consultation.
She then MAKES UP A BUNCH OF GIBBERSQUEAK about "LIVING IN LIGHT" and claims she is quoting what Sasquatch think! DO NOT PUT HOWLS IN SASQUATCH MOUTHS!!! Yeah, sure, I DO blame Humans for everything... BUT NOT IN THAT WAY!!!
ALSO she claims she can "journey to non-ordinary reality with Sasquatch to obtain guidance and wisdom on your behalf" and "facilitate a soul retrieval in non-ordinary reality on your behalf with the powerful assistance of Sasquatch"! Why would any self-respecting Sasquatch want to visit "non-ordinary reality" -- WHEREVER THAT IS!!! -- with some LOONY HUMAN to help SOME OTHER LOONY HUMAN on the TELEPHONE who has LOST THEIR GHOST!?! What kind of LITCHEN is KATHLEEN SNORTING!?!
HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY WITH THE CONDESCENDING MYSTICAL MUMBO-JUMBO!!! We don't want to HOWL TELEPATHICALLY to you, or be your SPIRIT GUIDES, or FETCH THINGS FOR YOU IN LA-LA-LAND, or EMPOWER YOUR CHAKRAS, or WHATEVER it is you WEIRDOS believe in! All we want is for you to STOP SPYING ON US AND LEAVE US ALONE!!!
While KATHLEEN'S CONDESCENSION FILLS ME WITH RAGEFUL ANNOYANCE, I do like her slogan:
"SASQUATCH OPENING HEARTS, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME"
Not as SATISFYING as delimbing, but I guess it'll WORK too! And speaking of Humans whose HEARTS SHOULD BE RIPPED OPEN, here's perverted snitch TODD STANDING:
"I will reveal to the world everything I know about these animals, everything the natives have known for generations - about how they've been evading us, and why we must enact legislation to protect them," Standing said.
He and two research colleagues claim to have hair samples from the animal, and footage of a seven-foot-tall creature weighing approximately 400 lbs. running through the mountains.
"It's a great ass-shot," Standing said. "You can see glutes, hamstring and calf muscle. It's in motion and it moves very fast."
CAN'T A SASQUATCH GO FOR A JOG WITHOUT HIS ASS ENDING UP IN A DOCUMENTARY!?!