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The Belgian

Again The Belgian Nationale Feestdag!

The Belgian | 2009-07-21.6245 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy

21 Juli! Again the Belgian Nationale Feestdag, she graces us with her présence! The celebrations, they are the most glorieus in all the world! Today we are all the Belgen, again and forever!

But what is this? I visit M. Zapato's site to see the skilled Belgian hackeren had again improved the apparence, only to become most shocked when I find that M. Zapato had, on this the most joyeux day, updated his previous silly post to mock our Beloved and Majestic Albert II, Just and Loving King of all the Belgians!

This, it is the outrage! In Belgium -- which is totally existing now for 179 years -- we would not tolerate such onbeschaamdheid! You would get the lengthy sentence to the prison on any day of the year that you would speak the insultes like this, but to speak them on the Nationale Feestdag? It is the scandale internationaal!

King Albert is not, as M. Zapato speaks, the "Uilmenselijk" or "Owl-man". His Majesty is totally the man and not the least the "computersimulatie"! Who would even say such the silly thing as that? Not the sane person, I should think! The pixelation around His edges in the fotos that you see, they are caused by rays of the purest Majesté that He exudes, which befuddle the inferior, niet-Belgen-made cameras. Everyone knows this fact. But besides this known fact, He is also not the owl! While it is true that He is wise and occasionally coughs up the pellets, this is within the range of the human soort, although obviously supérieur to the normaal persoon. You would be wise as the owl to not listen to any more of these ridicule insultes of M. Zapato.

I think, you who make the insultes against King Albert II like M. Zapato, you do so out of the jalousie, because He is supérieur to your King...

What is that? You say you have no King? Oh, I am so very sorry for you. But it is for the best, since if you had the king, he would be so inferieur compared to the King of the Belgians that you would be too beschaamd to even acknowledge you had the king.

But do not have the worries, poor kingless niet-Belgen. You can enjoy our King! We Belgians are more than happy to share His surabondance of Majesté with all the peuples of the world! You come to Belgium and maybe we even introduce you to His Majesty. We share with you the bier and the chocolat too. It is only the short avion ride away, totally worth your time!

The Belgian

Probo, The Knuffelrobot!

The Belgian | 2009-04-22.1310 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Simulacra | Technology
The Belgian

The American Beer, She Is Belgian Now!

The Belgian | 2008-07-13.9320 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Food

The Belgian beverage company beloved by all the peuples, InBev, will buy the U.S. brouwer of the substandard American beer, Anheuser-Busch, for €32.7 miljard! The new company, she will be known as Anheuser-Busch InBev.

Now we Belgians will improve your beer, yes? The Budweiser, she will now be renamed the Budwijzer! The Bud Light is now the Bud Licht! The Clydesdales, they will be made into the glue for the bottle labels. Welkom the new Budwijzer Brabançon! They make the allitération, no?

The Busch Gardens and the SeaWorld, they will be shut down for the reimagineering so they can reopen as the Plopsaland Amerika! Your kinderen, they will soon love the Plopsa... Plopsa for all the Amerikanen!

Do not listen to the anti-Belgian klagers! Barack Obama, he hate the merger only because it make John McCain the rich man. And Lyle Zapato, he is the paranoïaque! The beer, it does not control the mind. So, you drink the Trappist bier and want to visit Brussels for the very long vacation... Is that not naturel?

Amerikanen! Open the cold Budwijzer and celebrate the Belgian Nationale Feestdag on the 21 Juli! You are all the Belgians now! Be sure to come and visit the homeland... We await you!

The Belgian

Once More The Belgian Nationale Feestdag!

The Belgian | 2006-07-20.6640 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy

21 Juli! It is again the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We are celebrating 176 years of Belgium existing!

You wish to celebrate the Feestdag with us, no? Then you will get on the plane and come to the themepark that is the best in the world... PLOPSALAND! It is totally a real themepark!

The Plopsaland, she is totally not the same as the Eurodisneyland... she is much better! She has the monorail that looks like the train... two rides in one! She has the PIRATENZONE! Not just the one ride but the whole zone she is filled with the pirates fun! She has the Plopsa Coo, where the Plopsa Zandsculpturenfestival she is now going on! You build the castles of sand, no? And there are many Plopsa things to buy in the Plopsa Winkel... the Plopsa, she is without the end!

Bring your whole family -- especially the little ones! The kids, they love the Plopsaland! All their favourite Studio 100 characters they are waiting here! There is the Samson & Gert, the Wizzy & Woppy, the Big & Betsy, the Piet Piraat, the Bumba, and of course the Kabouter Plop... you know and love them all! They are living in the Plopsaland, maybe you will live there too, no?

The Belgian

The Smurfs, They Smurf!

The Belgian | 2005-07-21.1090 LMT | Entertainment | Belgian Conspiracy

We call them by the proper name of les Schtroumpfs or de Smurfen but you will call them the Smurfs! The Belgian cartoonist Peyo, he created the Smurfs in 1958 based on the woodland creatures what live in the forests of Belgium. You see, the Smurfs, and to the lesser extent the Snorks (also created by a Belgian), show that our Belgian wildlife, even she is superior to yours!

Now they are making the film of the Smurfs (you English, read here) using the computer-generated imagery! Being that I am a privileged Belgische burger, I have already seen the, how you say, renderings. They look as real as the Smurfs I have seen in the forests of Wallonie (which, as you know, exists -- and is not in the computer, as M. Zapato says!)

When the Smurfs appear in the cinema, you and your children will learn that the Smurf-speak is double-plus smurf. Your English, she is pointless! Substitute the inferior English words with simple "smurf". Simple language for your simple English lives. When you are ready to think grand thoughts like we Belgians, you learn the Vlaams or the Français, or maybe even the Deutsch -- your choice! If you want, you come to Belgium and we teach you, yes?

The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Returns!

The Belgian | 2005-07-20.6250 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy

Today she is the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We celebrate 175 years of existing!

We celebrate also the first-ever Tintin Festival of Brussels! (The inferior English description, she is here.)

Tintin Euro

Tintin, he is the greatest Belgium nationale hero! He is the greatest hero of the world! Who can there be better than Tintin? He is a young reporter who went on many adventures with his faithful dog Milou, or as you say Snowy. He demolished the Soviets using reporting and in 1954 he became the first person to visit the Moon... The Moon, she is Belgian now!

Tintin is the perfect hero everyone wishes to become, and who all the Belgians are! He is the incorporation of Belgian superiority and the exciting life that we Belgians have. You will envy him, yes?

There is time left for you to visit Brussels and experience the Tintin Festival. There will be soapbox races and other diversions. Your life will be meaningless if you do not come! Do not listen to the lies of M. Zapato; our country exists and you will not be kidnapped! Bring your whole family, or do not tell them you come... either would be good!

The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Is Here!

The Belgian | 2004-07-20.6250 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy