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Lyle Zapato

Archie McPhee, Dactyl Fractal Consciousness, & Novelty Tin Foil Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2018-03-28.4528 LMT | Polydactylism | Aluminum | Mind Control | Fashion

Archie McPhee, beloved outfitter for ironists, has recently added two new sets of products that are curiously within my wheelhouse...

Firstly, almost four years after they introduced their second-order dactyl fractal aspirational prosthesis, Finger Hands, they have finally released the next iteration, Finger Hands for Finger Hands:

IT'S A FRACTAL FINGER HAND FIESTA

We were staring at our Finger Hands, as we often do, and had a thought. What if Finger Hands had Finger Hands of their own? That's when Finger Hands for Finger Hands were born. Not only do these fit on Finger Hands, they'll fit on pencils, pens and even chopsticks! Like an ever-extending fractal.

They also now have both light and dark skin-tone versions of both iterations so even more first-order people can train to visualize themselves manifesting the Handlebrot. Hopefully we won't have to wait another four years for the forth-order iteration to come out and really kick off the Transphalangal Epoch.

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Archie McPhee's Finger Hands

Lyle Zapato | 2014-12-22.0100 LMT | Polydactylism | Fashion
Lyle Zapato

AFDBs At Walmart

Lyle Zapato | 2009-12-07.5590 LMT | Mind Control | Aluminum | Fashion

Walmart shopper wearing AFDB
A member of Freedom from Covert Harassment & Surveillance,
covertly harassed & surveilled by People of Walmart.

If you must go to Walmart, an AFDB is a necessity. Camouflaging it would probably be a good idea too, especially if you want to avoid the All-Seeing Eye of the Internet Hate Machine.

Seriously, can't a paranoid pick up some Faded Glory tees, a case of Dr. Thunder, and some Great Value aluminum foil without being harassed & surveilled?

Lyle Zapato

Lord Kelvin & Color Codes

Lyle Zapato | 2008-07-29.1140 LMT | Kelviniana | Technology

In his 1899 speech given after Sir George Stokes read his paper "On the Perception of Colour" at the Victoria Institute, Lord Kelvin casually predicted the future:

Now I spoke of scientific men. There are scientific ladies also—and ladies who are not scientific—and I am sure they will all thoroughly sympathise with scientific men in their appreciation of this beautiful theory.

Sir George Stokes told us that every variety of colour may be produced by the mixture of red, green and violet, and in Maxwell's practical work on the subject of which he spoke, white and black are added in the mixture, white to dilute the intensity of the colour; and black to diminish the total light emitted by a body exposed to sunlight.

Now in these times when ladies are so well occupied with important work that they scarcely have time for shopping, it would be a great comfort to them, if when they wanted a beautiful blue ribbon, they could simply write down on a piece of paper 2.5.7.3.4. and put it in an envelope and send it to the shop; or 3.4.0.2.0 a brilliant yellow, no black in it—3 of red, 4 of green, 0 of violet, 2 of white to brighten it up a little and dilute some of the colour. Do not imagine that you will get green by mixing yellow and blue—on the contrary, you get yellow by mixing red and green, as was first taught by Young, enforced by Helmholtz, and splendidly put in practice by Maxwell.

That's right, Lord Kelvin foresaw the common use of color codes on the Web! Kelvin's idea went even further though, to real world color specification via numerical strings. Unfortunately, the average consumer still can't purchase pretty ribbons or other such things custom dyed from an RGBLK string sent to the shop. (I smell a Web 2.0 business potential...)

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SASQUATCH "OLYMPICS" MASCOT!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-11-30.0740 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia | Government Propaganda Mascots

The biannual Human physical feats gathering called "WINTER OLYMPICS" is being held in CASCADIA in the Human nesting grounds of VANCOUVER in the year 2010 H.C.!!!

As I have heard howl, in these "OLYMPICS" the Humans perform meager physical feats -- such as STRAPPING STICKS on their small feet and SLIDING DOWN SNOW -- for the amusement of other Humans. They then give themselves SHINY BAUBLES as rewards for SLIDING THE FASTEST!!! Humans who get the most SHINY BAUBLES go on to entertain Human cubs by sliding around on ice pretending to be DISNEY CHARACTERS!!! The Humans who don't get the most are SHUNNED BY THEIR PACK and forced to live in obscurity on the outskirts of Human society for the rest of their short lives -- typically MUCH LESS than 100 YEARS!!!

(There is also a quadrennial "SUMMER OLYMPICS" where they RUN and JUMP and THROW SHARP TWIGS AND VERY TINY BOULDERS VERY SHORT DISTANCES!!! These "OLYMPICS" are NOT named after the mountain range where I live, which is also called "OLYMPICS" in Human squeak -- HUMAN SQUEAK-RANGE IS VERY LIMITED SO THEY NEED TO REUSE NAMES ALL THE TIME!!!)

ANYWAY, the "OLYMPICS" Humans recently announced the three mascots for their little gathering, one of which is a Sasquatch named QUATCHI!!!

Quatchi

Quatchi is a young sasquatch who comes from the mysterious forests of Canada. Quatchi is shy, but loves to explore new places and meet new friends. Although Quatchi loves all winter sports, he's especially fond of hockey*. He dreams of becoming a world-famous goalie.

Because of his large size, he can be a little clumsy. But no one can question his passion. He knows that if he works hard and always does his best, he might one day achieve his dream. Quatchi is always encouraging his friends to join him on journeys across Canada. He is also often recruiting others to play hockey -- or at least to take shots at him!

(*"HOCKEY" is yet another Human activity that involves sliding around on frozen water! WHAT IS THE HUMANS' OBSESSION WITH SLIDING!?! And why would a young Sasquatch be interested in such a thing instead of STOMPER!?!)

I'm sure the Humans thought they were being VERY NICE to Cascadia's Hominoid community by making their mascot a Sasquatch, even if his interests are INAUTHENTIC!!! BUT, there is one major problem:

SASQUATCH ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN "OLYMPICS"!!!

NOT THAT WE FEEL WE ARE MISSING OUT!!! We are not as obsessed with SLIDING or SHINY BAUBLES as Humans are! But using us as mascots while you DISCRIMINATE AGAINST US is UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Just like with SQUATCH -- the Human in a Sasquatch costume who is the mascot for the Human handball team "SUPER SONACKS" -- QUATCHI is a PROPAGANDA MASCOT that promotes the ANTI-HOMINOID AGENDA under a THIN PRETENSE of friendly Human-Sasquatch relations!

Besides his unnatural interest in a Human SLIDING GAME, they describe QUATCHI as "CLUMSY" because of his NORMAL SASQUATCH SIZE -- this is PROPAGANDA to make Humans feel better about their puniness! Also note how QUATCHI recruits Humans to "TAKE SHOTS AT HIM" -- this is PROPAGANDA to encourage Humans to believe that Sasquatch actually ENJOY BEING SHOT WITH GUNS!!! (For the record, WE DON'T... It STINGS!!!) I don't think it's a coincidence that one of the physical feats the Humans perform -- called "BIATHLON"!!! -- involves SLIDING along the forest snow and SHOOTING A TARGET; it is PRACTICE FOR HUNTING SASQUATCH!!!

HUMANS OF THE "OLYMPICS", HEAR MY HOWL: Either stop using this PROPAGANDISTIC mascot OR let Sasquatch participate in your physical feats gathering as fellow Cascadians! We will even consent to SLIDING, if that will make you feel LESS THREATENED!!!

Lyle Zapato

An iMac For Paranoids?

Lyle Zapato | 2007-08-07.9660 LMT | Aluminum | Technology | Mind Control
New aluminum iMac

Apple has just introduced their next iteration of the iMac line featuring a styling change sure to grab the attention of paranoids: the body and keyboard are encased in aluminum -- an iMac with it's own AFDB!

Al13

This isn't some trivial design quirk; they go out of their way to emphasize the new aluminum case in their PR campaign, and even include an Al13 Periodic Table square on their design page. (Of course they don't mention the psychotronic properties of aluminum -- no mainstream business would. They merely claim that it makes the iMac "friendlier to the environment" since aluminum is a recycled material.)

So, should aspiring paranoids rush out and get this new iMac? In a word: No.

While having an aluminum computer to match one's aluminum beanie might seem tastefully fashionable to the sort of people who want their computer case to match the UI of their music downloading program, there are, from an anti-psychotronic engineering perspective, serious flaws (or rather devious features) with this design that any true paranoid would notice.

If one were to run active anti-psychotronic software (AAPS) -- for instance, my own MindGuard -- on this Aluminum Enclosed iMac (AEiM), the software would be rendered functionless. Because there's a shielding layer of psychotronic-energy-deflecting aluminum isolating the circuitry running AAPS from the outside world, the software won't be able to detect/analyze mind-control signals or emit jamming/scrambling counter-signals.

Worse still, a poorly programmed AAPS may experience a feedback loop while detecting and responding to its own emitted counter-signals deflected back at itself, which can cause a build-up of psychotronic harmonic resonance in the circuitry leading to a violent discharge. Just try explaining to an AppleCare representative how your new iMac exploded while you were trying to evade the Forces of Mind Control -- you'll end up abducted, brain-formatted, and reprogrammed as an "Apple Genius" drone at one of their indoctrination cubes.

(This isn't the first aluminum-encased computer that Apple has offered. However, unlike the new iMac's continuous-surface aluminum, earlier aluminum-encased tower models were perforated with holes permeable to psychotronic signals -- most likely done for the benefit of Apple's own mind-control programs. I feel that it is no coincidence that just recently I received word that MindGuard was successfully compiled and run on a Mac. Clearly, Apple is locking down their systems to keep out unauthorized AAPS usage.)

Users unaware that their AAPS is being blocked might forego their beanies, not only leaving them open to general mind-control danger, but also to a new, unique danger. Which brings us to the shocking TRUTH about the new iMacs: They are in fact psychotronic deflection mirrors designed to aim signals from mind-control satellites directly at the heads of Mac users!

Diagram of iMac deflective threat
An Apple authorized mind-control satellite (A) targets its psychotron at the glare reflected off of the glass superstrate of the new iMac (i), allowing it to bounce its signals off of the aluminum substrate right into the frontal lobes (L) of a Mac user. Meanwhile, competing mind-control agents (B) have their signals deflected away (?), thus keeping the Mac user within the singular control of Cupertino.

Although I'm sure these revelations are disillusioning to orthonoid Mac users, it really is standard MO for Apple, and in particular Steve Jobs, the man who invented the Reality Distortion Field (a psychotron platform favored by deranged artists, megalomaniacal hipsters, and the smuggest, most turtle-necked members of the New World Order), experimented with trance-inducing psyoptic cases like the "flower power" iMac, and is occasionally controlling the mind of US President Bush (and many others) through the iPod.

Lyle Zapato

Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood

Lyle Zapato | 2007-06-12.1330 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia | Fonts | Art

Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood emblem

Next year will mark the octocentennial of the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood accord, which was inaugurated with vigorous hand throttling by the Yeti and Sasquatch representatives at the 1208 Global Hominoid Congress held in Sakteng, Bhutan. The accord ended ninety-three years of hostility that started after a disagreement at a stomper tournament (the details of which were wisely forgotten).

Shipping containers
Yeti arrive in Cascadia.

For 799 years since, Yeti and Sasquatch have enjoyed good barter relations and an open border policy that has led to close cultural ties between the two hominoids -- ties that are stronger now than ever. Yeti wishing to reach Cascadia for barter or to emigrate have long had to cross the Bering Strait on ice drifts during the winter months. This constriction in cross-cultural flow changed in the twentieth century when Yeti discovered and took advantage of human trade routes, and now Yeti can travel year-round by hiding in shipping containers bound from China and India to major Cascadian ports.

The next time you're down by the docks in Little Yetitown, do your meager human part to support the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood by visiting a Yeti bartering-post container, where you can browse the yak-dung sculptures of Yeti artisans or try a traditional Teh-Lma delicacy of live Himalayan sucker frogs.

Serious historians of international hominoid agreements, as well as hipsters who enjoy being <finger-quote>ironic</finger-quote>, can also buy Cafepress shirts (human sizes only, sorry) emblazoned with the official commemorative emblem -- which, by the way, uses my newly released font: Greensboro.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MORE JERKERY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-04-15.5820 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Food

Last year I howled about HUMAN ADVERTISING JERKS MESSING WITH SASQUATCH, where they played CRUEL PRANKS on Sasquatch in order to VIRAL-MARKET jerked meats!

Well the JERKS continue to engage in ANTI-HOMINOID HATE CRIMES!!! This time they harass an innocent Sasquatch who was minding his own business TRYING TO CATCH A FISH, ENJOYING AMATEUR LEPIDOPTERY, and WALKING DOWN A HUMAN ROAD!!!

SASQUATCH EXTINGUISHES FLAME!!!
SASQUATCH RUSHES TO EXTINGUISH DANGEROUS OPEN FLAME LEFT BY HUMAN JERKS!!!

WORST OF ALL, the Humans also engage in RECKLESS BEHAVIOR by leaving an UNATTENDED, LIT FLAME IN THE FOREST!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO BURN DOWN OUR HOME!?!

Is SMOKEY THE BEAR not getting through to you PYRO­MANIACAL PIP­SQUEAKS!?! Is he too GENTLE to make an impression on you!? Perhaps there should be a SMOKEY THE SASQUATCH instead:

"PREVENT FOREST FIRES OR I WILL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!!!"

Lyle Zapato

"A New Dawn for the Tree Octopus"

Lyle Zapato | 2007-03-09.2560 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia | Fonts | Art
poster

Introducing the poster "A New Dawn for the Tree Octopus", issued by the Cascadian Department of Cephalopod Conservation to raise awareness of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus's plight. It depicts a lone tree octopus in the coastal forests of Hood Canal waking from her coniferous lair to a New Dawn for her species. Are you doing your part to help save the tree octopus?

(The poster was created by artists employed by the Cascadian Works Progress Administration, which provides honest jobs for honest barter to unemployed Sasquatch trained in the vector arts.)

Currently I'm making the image available on a mini poster, large poster, and postcards. If anyone is interested in having it on anything else, let me know.

As a bonus, the poster uses my newest font: Enemy Sub! (Actually, I made the font over a year ago and just procrastinated putting it up.)

Also, I updated the Tree Octopus logo used on the merchandise in the shop. I ate my own dog food by using my Duarte Centenario font, which, while not as patriotic as the previously used Tahoma, does look better with the rough tentacle ribbon image. If you bought a product with the older image, it's now a valuable collector's item. Sell it on eBay and get rich!

Lyle Zapato

An Open Letter To The Legislature

Lyle Zapato | 2007-02-15.3100 LMT | Letters | Entertainment | Politics

Dear Washington State Legislature,

I am writing to ask you to approve $100 of Washington State funds to help offset the $250 price of buying me a Nintendo Wii.

Before you decide, consider the positive impact on the local economy of my having a Wii: Not only would the state generate 6.5% sales-tax on every game I purchase (with additional tax revenue of upwards of 2.3% going to county and city tax districts), but a portion of the profits from those games would go to Redmond-based Nintendo of America, which employs over a thousand Washington State citizens. Could you honestly say to the voters that you were acting in the public interest if you turned down a plan that would increase both tax revenue and job opportunities for a mere c-note? I think not.

My request is very reasonable. Most of the purchase cost for the Wii will be covered by me or through other private funding, as will all costs associated with utilities, maintenance, and insuring against flying-controller damage. Please understand that I am not being greedy with this request; I could have pressed for the more lavish option of a Microsoft Xbox 360, which would do even more for the local economy (given the larger portion of profits remaining in the state and the 20% greater tax revenue from games), but would require my asking for more money upfront. Out of fairness to the taxpayers, I am willing to settle for the economically prudent option of a Wii.

While I understand that some short-sighted people will counsel you against diverting public funds to pay for my frivolous amusement, keep in mind that my proposal of $100 is significantly less than the $300 million you are already considering giving to Clay Bennett so he can build a facility in Renton in which to play games -- and not just in absolute terms, as he's asking you to cover three-fifths of his costs (plus another one-fifth from the city of Renton) whereas I'm only asking for two-fifths in total. The numbers do not lie; I am offering a much better deal here.

Furthermore, unlike Bennett I won't be using Washington State taxpayer's money to facilitate the exportation of millions of dollars of personal profits to Oklahoma. In fact, after the state has recouped its $100 -- through a combination of tax revenue from the games I buy and a lowering of public expenses attributable to the unemployment that I will have ameliorated -- I would be contributing to the state's common good at my own personal expense with no profit. Why would you deny the community this philanthropic act?

If you are unable to find $100 in the budget, Seattle has proved the fiscal viability of using eminent domain to forcibly buy land, waiting a few months, then selling it at a profit. I think a few square feet of Ray Allen's front yard should cover my requested funding.

I am reasonable, but my patience has its limits. If you do not act in a timely fashion to grant me the money to buy a Wii, I will be forced by economic conditions to take elsewhere the tax revenue and jobs that my gaming can create. While I can't comment on ongoing negotiations, let me just say that the Emperor of Japan has been very receptive to my proposal for $240 towards a Playstation 3.

Please, do what's best for the people of Washington and gimme $100.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato