The Republic Of Cascadia

Bureau of Sasquatch Affairs

A Division of the Cascadian Department of Health and Hominoid Services



Sasquatch News

National

  • Deployment of Hominoidnet kiosks underway

    Kiosk screen

    A Sasquatch uses a Hominoidnet forest kiosk to access hominoid services.

    The Bureau of Sasquatch Affairs' Hominoidnet project promises to offer free Internet access to all Cascadian hominoids through kiosks installed in area forests. So far, funding has allowed 50 kiosks to be installed across Cascadia. The Kiosks are connected to a central BSA server by radio network and feature easy to use touchscreens. Hominoids access the kiosks using "smart cards" that are being handed out by the BSA.

    The project is welcomed by most Sasquatch who have been concerned with the widening technology-gap between hominoids and humans that has put hominoids at an informational disadvantage. However, some Sasquatch worry that the project could cause further hominoid ghettoization. The current Hominoidnet system filters the Internet, ostensibly to keep young Sasquatch from accessing disturbing cryptozoology sites. Free howl advocates warn that while the intentions of this filtering is good, it could be used by corrupt officials to keep Cascadian hominoids in the dark about important issues. They argue that hominoids will become dependent on the government-run Hominoidnet if it is the only solution deployed and that other options for Internet access should be studied.

  • Sasquatch Militia membership at 5 year low, new recruitment campaign started

    'Uncle Sas' poster

    New Uncle Sas recruitment poster

    Due to falling enlistment rates and an increase in Sasquatch seeking work in the private sector, the ranks of Sasquatch Militia have hit a 5 year low. In response, Sasquatch Militia has started a new recruitment campaign that they hope will reverse this trend and keep Cascadia defended against invaders. Key to the new campaign is a poster that features the fictional character "Uncle Sas" directly asking Sasquatch to join the Militia. According to Militia officials, Uncle Sas is representative of Cascadian Sasquatch and their loyalty to their homeland. The new campaign is aimed at making a connection with individual Sasquatch, making them feel personally involved in the defense of Cascadia.

    While response to the new campaign has been largely favorable in the Sasquatch community, some Sasquatch have criticized the poster as representing Uncle Sas as too human-looking, feeling that pressure from the human majority to make Uncle Sas less threatening to human sensibilities has tainted what could have been a symbol for Sasquatch pride. Militia officials respond that Uncle Sas is an amalgam of the full range of Cascadian hominoid heritage, including not only native Sasquatch but also Yeti immigrants, and that any resemblance to humans is purely coincidental.

  • The Republic of Cascadia set to host the World Hominoid Conference in November

    The World Hominoid Conference -- a gathering held by the World Hominoid Organization of hominoids from over 57 nations -- has chosen British Columbia Prefecture as the location of its 428th annual meeting. Attendees are slated to discuss important hominoid issues including stopping anti-hominoid violence, deforestation and the rise of hominoid homelessness, the global mange epidemic, and fighting the international trade in cryptozoography. Also on the agenda are barter treaties, most notably the Asian Free Barter Agreement. WHO officials have promised that this year's conference won't be marred by violent acts of protesters, as happened last year in Peru when Isnashi rebels protesting hominoid globalization entered the conference clearing and pelted attendees with small boulders while howling down the speakers.

    About the WHO: Originally started as the "Kaptar Caucus" in the forests of the Caucus Mountains in 1573 by the Order of Kaptar Knights as a response to local human attacks on hominoids, the group changed its name to the World Hominoid Organization in 1856 due to the increased involvement of Asian hominoids -- particularly the Alma and Almasty -- and has since grown into a truly global organization that includes representatives from all major hominoid groups. the WHO has helped shape hominoid geopolitical policies and has played an activist role in promoting hominoid issues in human-hominoid relations.

  • Cryptozoologists sued by Sasquatch over photos

    Patterson cryptozoology film

    "Jane Doe" (face blurred to protect her identity)

    The Sasquatch who was filmed by human cryptozoologist Roger Patterson has filed a law suit against the film's copyright holders as well as individual websites and television networks that are showing it. According to her attorney, the Sasquatch has suffered emotional distress and social ostracism in the Sasquatch community due to this continued invasion of her privacy and is seeking punitive damages and an injunction against further use of the film.

    Her troubles started in 1967, when the female Sasquatch -- who wishes to be called "Jane Doe" to protect her anonymity -- was secretly filmed by humans Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin while near a creek in the Siskiyou Mountains. When she finally noticed the humans, she sought refuge in the nearby woods. However, by that time the damage was done, and the film and stills from it have since been viewed by humans all over the globe, spread by underground cryptozoology groups.

    Although it has been decades since it was shot, the film still haunts her. Recently, she was distraught to discover that the pictures were showing up all over the Internet -- in plain view of humans -- on voyeuristic cryptozoology websites. These sites are hangouts for perverse humans who try to secretly film or photograph Sasquatch, and feature leering photos and plaster casts of Sasquatch feet -- a favorite cryptozoologist fetish.

    "Jane Doe" is only now coming forward to challenge these cryptozoologists due to the rise in cryptozoological activity being spurred on by the Internet. She feels she can no longer hide in the forests while humans take advantage of her and that she has an obligation to other Sasquatch to fight for Sasquatch privacy. "Doe" also hopes to change national law which currently does not make it illegal in Cascadia to film Sasquatch without their consent. Her attorney plans to have the case moved from human civil courts to a Sasquatch tribunal of elders, where he feels a more fair hearing can be had.

  • Report: Tree octopus substitute supplies will meet Sasquatch demand

    The Bureau of Fish and Mollusks released their report on efforts to supply the Sasquatch of the Olympic Peninsula with substitutes for the dwindling Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus stocks. The report concludes that although there have been cost over-runs and unexpected problems with Sasquatch acceptance of certain types of tree octopus substitutes, that the program will be able to meet Sasquatch demand for the next two years.

  • Sasquatch Earthquake Aftermath

    In the wake of the magnitude 6.8 earthquake that rocked the Puget Sound region on February 28, Assistant Secretary of Sasquatch Affairs, Techka Blackhawk, toured quake-damaged Sasquatch facilities in area forests. While damage was minimal, Blackhawk did recommend aid money for fresh branches. Lack of more serious damage was held to be the result of the advanced warning that area Sasquatch had of the impending quake from their monitoring of local wildlife.

World

  • Alma Demands Return Of His Foot

    Human thieves hiking through the Altai mountains of Siberia, homeland of the Alma Hominoids, have stolen a lower leg and foot belonging to a local resident. According to the victim, who wishes to remain anonymous, the limb -- which was originally his great-great-grandhominoid's prior to it being severed, at the tender age of 107, in a fight with a Yeti over a disagreement involving the local sport of yak-tossing -- was clearly scent-marked as his and the humans had no right to take it. Human media is reporting that the leg is currently being held hostage at a nearby human colony. It has great sentimental value to him, the rightful owner went on to add, and he would like it returned to where it was found, or else he will seek compensation by going to the human colony and taking one hundred human legs.

  • Sasquatch Militia liberates Iraqi Enkidu homeland of Kashīq

    Iraq map

    Sasquatch Militia Special Forces, moving Northwest, liberated Kashīq from oppressive Human rule.

    Sasquatch Militia Special Forces, part of the global Hominoid coalition seeking to liberate Iraqi Enkidu from oppressive Human rule, took the region of Kashīq after hours of fierce rock-outcropping-to-rock-outcropping fighting. Two Sasquatch were slightly injured in the battle as the result of friendly log swinging, while over 4000 Iraqi Human oppressors lay limbless.

    Enkidu were historically at the vanguard of Human-Hominoid relations. When the Grendel of Europe were being persecuted by Humans and consequently driven into hiding, the Enkidu were reaching out from their homeland in Kashīq to befriend their furless neighbors. One famous Enkidu even ventured into the strong-walled city of Uruk and let their Human king beat him in a wrestling match as a gesture of friendship. However, since the Human known as Saddam seized control of Iraq, Enkidu were increasingly persecuted and forced to operate the Humans' oil wells, causing their fur to become laden with tar and dirt, thus making them unable to effectively fight off their oppressors.

    The liberation of Kashīq brought howls of joy from the local Enkidu, who celebrated among the rock outcroppings and broke into the caches of Enkidu food the Humans stingily rationed out to their oil workers. Between bites of looted giant desert weevil grubs, Enkidu community leaders expressed their hope that Hominoid coalition forces would remain a while longer to assist them in liberating the oppressive gunk from their fur.

  • Indian "Monkey Man" attacks causing "anti-hominoid fear psychosis"

    Hominoid Rights International blames anti-hominoid agitators for the "Monkey Man" attacks in the Indian capital of New Delhi, in which bands of humans have been dressing up in monkey costumes and terrorizing the citizens. Officials suspect these incidents are a bid to turn human opinion against hominoid causes and that this is in retaliation for the crackdown on militant anti-hominoid groups by the Indian government. The "Monkey Man" attacks have led to what officials are calling "anti-hominoid fear psychosis" and a breakdown in the state of human-hominoid relations, sparking recent attacks on innocent Matdngdng hominoids by angry human vigilantes.

Economy

  • Report on Sasquatch economy shows slowdown in twig sector

    Chart of twig barter value

    Barter in twigs, sticks, and switches has seen a sharp decline in recent months, reports the Sasquatch Trade Commission. The barter rate of a foot-long twig dropped from 3/4 of a pinecone in Q1 1999 to just under 1/3 of a pinecone in Q3 2000. This downturn has hurt Sasquatch who have been hoarding twigs throughout the 1990's, who have seen their bartering power plummet. The report cites the unusually dry weather of recent years as creating an abundance of dead tree branches and associated twigs.

  • Sasquatch excited about "Spanish Moss" imports

    So-called "Spanish Moss" -- which is a not a true moss but an epiphytic relative of the pineapple -- is making a big splash in Cascadia. More durable than native true-mosses, Spanish moss is becoming popular among Sasquatch moss-artisans who want to create works that will last more than a few years. Traditionalist, however, howl at the new moss, pointing out that it lacks the beautiful structure and rich array of green shades that true moss has. Sasquatch economists also view the new moss -- which is imported by the Esti Capcaki Swamp Apes from Southeastern United States -- with skepticism, noting that since it doesn't grow in the Cascadian climate, a barter imbalance between Cascadia and the Swamp Apes may form if the new moss becomes too popular.

Sports

  • Maricoxi team wins fourth straight World Stomper Cup

    The Maricoxi Maulers became the first team in the 237 year history of stomper to win four consecutive World Stomper Cups, beating the Barmanu Juggernauts 3-2 after seven grueling days of world-class stomping in the foothills of the Hindu Kush. While the Juggernauts seemed to have the upper foot at the beginning of the match, their home-stomping-ground advantage gave way after the fifth day as the Maulers' forward plodder managed to crush the toes of the Juggs' defensive line, sending them howling and opening a hole for trampling incursions. The winning stomp came when the Maulers' star stomper single-footedly broke the all-time record for most powerful seismic shockwave in a Cup match with his signature "meteoroid heel" move, knocking over all of the Juggernaut stompers and razing a human village nearly a mile from the stomping ground. Upon learning of the victory a month later, Maricoxi fans rioted along the Amazon River, overturning Brazil nut trees and diverting several small tributaries.

Entertainment

  • Chewbacca to return for Episode III

    Lumpawarrump aka Lumpy

    Chewbacca's son Lumpawarrump from the controversial "Star Wars Christmas Special."

    Human producer-director-merchandiser George Lucas has announced that "Chewbacca" will return for the next, and final, installment of his popular Star Wars movie series -- the yet to be horrendously subtitled Episode III. It is not yet known whether the popular Wookiee character will have any lines or will only appear in cameo.

    Although he is beloved by human geeks, the character of Chewbacca -- who is actually played by a human in a fur suit -- has always been controversial in the hominoid community, where he's viewed as vehicle for anti-hominoid propaganda. The mishandling of Chewbacca by the series's human creators hasn't helped matters any. There were protests in the forests of Eastern Canada after the 1983 theatrical release of Return of the Jedi when it was learned that most of Chewbacca's lines formed a string of obscenities in Windigo howl. (The lines were later re-dubbed for broadcast television and video releases.) But even that didn't compare to the fiasco of the 1978 "Star Wars Christmas Special" -- dehowled as a minstral show by members of the Hominoid Anti-Defamation League -- which contained prolonged "comical" sequences of Wookiees acting human and celebrating "Life Day" (a not-so-subtle version of a human holiday). After enraged Sasquatch stormed Skywalker Ranch threatening to delimb him, Lucas was forced to remove the show from circulation and it has never been aired since.

  • Disneyland's Kaptars being replaced with audiohominoidatronics

    Disneyland's Kaptar employees -- or "Cast Members" as they are called in Disney Corp Speak -- are being replaced with robots. According to Disney spokesineer Tina Finnegan, the robotasizing of the Kaptars' jobs is due to cost-cutting initiatives. "Animatronics are surprisingly cost effective compared to living Cast Members," explained Finnegan, "and with the technological advances we've made, soon our parks won't even need biological guests! Which is fortunate, considering the state of California Adventure."

    The five Alpine Kaptars, whose job since 1978 has been to entertain Matterhorn Bobsled riders with traditional Kaptar howls of greeting, were originally hired by Walt Disney himself while filming a movie in Switzerland in 1958. "Uncle Walt", as he insisted the Kaptars call him, had hoped to feature them in a pavilion devoted to hominoid cultures, both to educate the human guests to his new theme park and make up for the under-representation of hominoids in his popular "It's a Small World" attraction. The Kaptars enthusiastically agreed and trekked to Southern California, taking twenty years traveling on foot eastward through various mountain ranges and crossing the Bering Straight using ice rafts. They were saddened upon arrival to learn that Walt had been dead for twelve years and disillusioned when the promised educational pavilion turned out to be a roller coaster. Nevertheless, they dutifully started work and have been a fixture in the Matterhorn ever since.

    However, there has always been controversy in the hominoid community surrounding Disneyland's Kaptar Cast Members, who were forced to bleach their fur and call themselves "Snowmen" to pander to human misconceptions about mountain hominoids. Even worse, human guests were constantly confusing them for Yeti, who do not live anywhere near the Swiss Alps. Still, hominoid media activists are holding out hope that the newly announced "Forbidden Mountain: Legend of the Yeti" ride and associated educational exhibit at Disneyworld's Animal Kingdom in Florida will make up for this and other past wrongs by employing live Yeti Cast Members from Nepal, although there are fears that Disney management is planning to hire cheaper local Swamp Apes who will howl with a noticeable accent.

  • Upcoming television season has no new shows about Sasquatch

    Since the syndicated show "Harry and the Hendersons" -- which lasted only 72 episodes before going off the air in 1993 -- there have been no mainstream television shows dealing positively with hominoid issues. The upcoming TV season will not be changing this trend. When questioned about this lack of diversity on television, network executives cited lack of advertiser interest in hominoid related programming. Sasquatch, they claim, do not represent a valuable demographic since they only engage in barter. In a report on the state of hominoids in the media, a group of Sasquatch media activists denounced this as cultural elitism, saying that barter economies can be just as lucrative for advertisers as money based ones. It is the networks, these Sasquatch charge, that are not doing enough to seek out sponsors for Sasquatch programming that has led to their shameful record of hominoidless programming. The media activists also lamented the failed Sasquatch Entertainment Network -- which degraded into a home shopping channel before eventually going bankrupt after failing to get cable systems to carry it -- as an example of how the television industry excludes hominoids.

News of the Oddly Strange

  • Wenatchee Forest Sasquatch doesn't believe in humans, claims proof of hoax

    An alleged human... or product of a conspiracy?

    Humans a hoax? One Sasquatch thinks so.

    A Choanito Sasquatch from the Wenatchee Forest claims that humans are a myth created by World Hominoid Organization elders as part of a global conspiracy to keep the elders in power. Furthermore, he claims that he can show conclusively that so-called "airplanes" seen flying over the forests are really giant dragonflies, whose existence the elders are hiding so that they can keep all the tasty dragonfly meat to themselves. He purports to have proof that will back up his theories and will reveal it at an upcoming howling engagement at the Big Rock near the Creek of Many Birds.

    Other Choanito Sasquatch say that the conspiracy theorist is well known in the area as a crank who is constantly howling at local elders and has never actually stepped outside of the forest, calling into question the trustworthiness of his claims. He has, however, managed to create quite a following for himself among some local Sasquatch, who view his screeching, moss-flinging rants as an amusing diversion.


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