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Nemester FAQ

Why would I need enemies?

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

All successful people have enemies. If you want to succeed, you'll need enemies too!

Anything worth doing will most likely piss someone off. A person who dies with no enemies can only have led a boring and pointless life. Having enemies provides proof positive that you're doing something of importance. Furthermore, with no one to oppose you, how would you know if you're accomplishing anything? Enemies focus your endeavors, giving you something to set your agenda against and a clear measure of your success: their destruction!

“I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made.”

—Franklin D. Roosevelt

The enemies you keep define your character and goals, and speak more of you than any praise or awards ever could. Of course, quality is more important then quantity, as anyone can enrage the rabble. By gaining high-quality enemies, you'll impress your peers, inflate your ego, and open doors to the sort of new opportunities that only an impressive array of foes can attract.

“Better is the enemy of good.”


In particular, you need that one, special enemy — the one who is always competing against you, always striving to outdo you, always aligning his forces against yours, always there at the brink of your moment of triumph to upset everything and challenge you to rebound to new heights of greatness. This is your nemesis, and he is lurking on Nemester.

Why should I use Nemester?

“One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy.”

—E. B. White

In today's fast-paced world, most people are too busy to invest the time in finding and keeping good enemies. With Nemester, you can simplify the enmity process and free up more time for pursuing your agenda. Even high-maintenance enemies can be kept seething with hatred for you with a fraction of the effort normally required. Using Nemester's powerful technology, you can easily conspire against your current enemies or find new, better ones — all with just a few mouse clicks!

Nemester: the easiest way to get the enemies you need and keep the enemies you have.

How do I use Nemester?

See the tour section for a sample of Nemester's ease of use.

What features does Nemester have?

How does Nemester work?

Nemester uses cutting-edge antisocial software — the next major buzzmeme in the trendy sciences — that leverages the dysfunctional relationship networks of hateful people to match up enemies based on incompatible ideologies and agendas. Nemester's technology is so ground-breaking that it is only discussed at the most exclusive tech conventions attended by hipsters and self-styled cyborgs.

Is Nemester only for deathmatches?

No. Nemester can be used for all types of feuding, from simple professional rivalry to climatic kung-fu showdowns on the deck of your airship that will decide the fate of the world. Whatever your enmity needs, Nemester will connect you to some sick, twisted scoundrel who can meet them.

Should I use Nemester if I am not a sick, twisted scoundrel?

Normal people can use Nemester to find sane enemies for rational disagreements. Nemester features advanced psycho-filtering technology that lets you do battle only in your own mental league. Or, try something different with a complete, irrational nutjob. Nemester puts you in control!

How is Nemester different from other online enmity services?

While some online services aim to make you as many enemies as possible — either through spamming inane links in chatrooms or forwarding your resume to every email account on AOL — Nemester will help you build a personalized enemies list that's based on your agenda, with unique enemies devoted to your failure. Don't put up with bland enemies with generic schemes who are hardly interested nor qualified in opposing the subtle genius of your agenda. Instead, let Nemester find you the enemies you deserve.

How many enemies can I make using Nemester?

It's limited only by how disagreeable you are. And if you're undisagreeable, not to worry... that'll make you enemies too!

How do I sign up for Nemester?

Currently, Nemester is in closed beta and is only available to the enemies and enemies' enemies of Lyle Zapato. (Since Mr. Zapato has many enemies, this sample should provide a sufficient load test.)

What will it cost?

“Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.”

—Spike Milligan

Basic Nemester will be free, supported with advertising from arms dealers and prominent manufacturers of weather machines and laser-tipped boreships.

Archnemester, our service for professional enmity needs, will cost $19.95 a month (plus a one-time $10000 wrongful death lawsuit insurance fee) and include sinister logo design consultancy, rent-a-lackey services, and access to our 100-centiday diabolical scheme hotline.

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