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Tha Stinkin' Pirate

New Threat To Pirates

Tha Stinkin' Pirate | 2004-08-20.1000 LMT | Piratical Yarrings

Avast me hearties! Thar be ah new threat ta tha piratical life devised by ah ruddy crew of Dutch blaggards, an anti-pirate system called Secure-Ship. It be comprised o' ah series o' yardarms emanatin' from tha gunwale what carry metallic lines stowin' 9,000 volts o' 'lectricity, an' makes boardin' ah ship like tryin' ta wrestle 'lectric eels. Yer Jacob's ladder'll take on ah whole 'nother meanin' should ye lay yer daddles on this infernal riggin'! Many ah seadog o' mine has been scuppered whilst tryin' ta crib cargo pants from Gap freighters thus fitted. Be ye warned!

Lyle Zapato

Gmail, Kibioctets, And Introducing ZPiMail

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-17.9400 LMT | Site | Metric System

Much has been made of Google's new email service, Gmail, which promises a gigabyte of free storage. Although true paranoids have already rejected the service for important reasons, many are excited at the idea of getting all that free storage space.

But will you really be getting as much as you think?

According to the Gmail FAQ, that 1 gigabyte is actually 1,000 megabytes (and presumably by megabyte they mean 1,000,000 bytes -- otherwise, this way madness lies). Consider: if the current mailbox on your computer is reported by your OS as having an even 100 megabytes in it, you might naively think you could store ten times that on a Gmail account. Unfortunately, you would be wrong by 48,576,000 bytes (about 46 megabytes by your OS's reckoning -- quite a lot of email).

This is the sort of confusion and sneaky business practices that results when the kibioctet standard is not in wide use, as it should be.

To address this issue, as well as others, ZPi is proud to announce ZPiMail. Unlike Gmail, ZPiMail offers infinite gibioctets of storage space by leveraging the transcendental irrationality of nature itself:

Every email you have stored can be expressed as a mere string of digits (in fact, it's already stored as such on your computer). Since the number π has an infinite number of essentially random digits, the string of digits that represents one of your emails can be found within it, as can the digits representing your entire mailbox, no matter how large it may be. Instead of storing all those gibioctets of digits on your computer, why not just store the offset of the expansion of π that matches them? With ZPiMail, now you can!

(NOTE: ZPi does not currently offer software to facilitate reading your email from π, however you can rest assured that everything in your mailbox is already safely stowed away in there, as well as any future email you may receive and hypothetical emails to you from Jimmy Carter explaining all the mysteries of universe in Farsi. I apologize for this oversight, but I have been forced to prematurely announce ZPiMail in order to head off my archnemesis, Dr. Ernesto, who is attempting to steal focus with his derivative EeMail.)

Lyle Zapato

More On iPods & Cerebrosonics

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-14.7420 LMT | General Paranoia | Mind Control

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A LINK WITH LIVE EXAMPLES OF CEREBROSONIC MIND CONTROL AND OTHER FORMS OF MANIPULATIVE PSYCHOACOUSTICS. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CEREBROSONIC-CANCELATION EQUIPMENT OR MINDGUARD'S DEPSYCH RUNNING, DO NOT FOLLOW THE LINK WITHOUT FIRST DISABLING ALL THE SPEAKERS ATTACHED TO YOUR COMPUTER, INCLUDING THE INTERNAL "PC SPEAKER" AND MODEM SPEAKER. ALSO, IT WOULD BE PRUDENT TO HAVE ANY DENTAL FILLINGS REMOVED TO ELIMINATE THE POSSIBILITY OF INTERCRANIAL SOUND INDUCTION VIA THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD OF YOUR MONITOR.

Dr. Horowitz, Chief Technology Officer of the psychoacoustical applied research company NeuroPop (which threatens: "We can change your mind...") has contacted me to point out that the possibility of mind-control iPods was already speculated on by the German-language blog Industrial Technology & Witchcraft (article entitled "Der neuronale iPod"), in the context of mentioning NeuroPop's work.

However, the Korean mind-controller patent that I linked to -- which is shown in the technical drawings as being iPodish -- goes beyond the passive cerebrosonic mind-control that NeuroPop is developing for use in music, films, and games as it contains a neural feedback pack to actively read the state of the brain and adjust its mind-control signal accordingly. Passive cerebrosonics from NeuroPop and others can be played on a normal, unmodified iPod (or other such devices), with the main disadvantage for the mind-controller being the lack of real-time customization and adaptation. Since this technology can be incorporated into commercial music recordings (and probably is -- NeuroPop is secretive about their clients), any users of iPod-type devices who do not get their music from trusted paranoid sources are in danger of cerebrosonic manipulation (as I warned in an earlier post).

Besides currently being a vehicle for passive cerebrosonics sold through Apple's iTunes store, future versions of the iPod will most likely include the sort of active mind-control technology described in the Korean patent, finally allowing Steve Jobs to deploy his "reality distortion field" well beyond the immediate vicinity of his cyborg body, thereby serving the will of his Reticulan masters.

Lyle Zapato

A Chip in the Wheel of Dharma

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-06.5650 LMT | Cascadia | NWO | Bohemian Grove Cabal | Nature

Dharma was a dog living in San Diego. Although she was barely conscious of anything beyond kibbles and walks, she still had an instinctual yearning to escape the subliminal tyranny of the Bohemian Grove Cabal that rules most of California (and whose tyranny has grown all the more liminal since the rigged election of their puppet governor, bioengineered in Austria from Hapsburg DNA.)

Dharma decided one day to escape, to make her way north to the freedom of the Republic of Cascadia, to elude the reach of the Cabal. It was an arduous 15-month trek -- no doubt filled with many thrilling adventures and harrowing run-ins with NWO forces hell-bent on stopping her -- nonetheless, she made it all the way to Federal Way, Washington, a thousand miles from her captors.

Federal Way is a city infamous for its population of anti-Cascadian Federalists, but Dharma had no way of knowing this. She now felt safe enough this far into Cascadia to trust some friendly humans who offered her a ride in their van. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to her, her masters had implanted her with a microchip.

The chip betrayed her; she was found out by NWO agents working in a shelter and has since been returned to Cabal-controlled California via black helicopter. If I know the Bohemian Grove Cabalists (and I do) she will be subjected to intensive operant reprogramming -- forced, eyes pried open, to endure a doggie Parallax-montage of scenes from Cascadia interspersed with split-second "BAD DOG!"s. After this, Dharma will never yearn to be free again.

So, let the sad tale of Dharma be a lesson: never trust the Cabal; never get into the vans of strangers, no matter how friendly they may seem; and never, ever let your masters put a microchip under your skin.

Lyle Zapato

The Imminent Threat Of Space Elevators

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-05.8200 LMT | General Paranoia | NWO | Black Helicopters

Space has been in the news a lot lately, what with the recent photos from the Cassini probe and particularly the hype surrounding the allegedly first private spaceflight of SpaceShipOne. This can only mean one thing: a cover up.

As you no doubt know, since I explained it in my book, the so-called "space race" of the previous century was a NWO sham designed to reveal already existent space technology to the public while covering up its previous use for mind control, thereby allowing its even greater deployment for that use. Aluminum-based satellites have been in orbit since at least the mid-19th century, launched by giant cannons covertly built on equatorial islands, including the ill-fated one on Krakatoa (for a historical perspective, see Jules Verne's dramatized exposé From the Earth to the Moon). Moon bases have been established since the early 20th century, used both as platforms for mind control as well as manufacturing centers for products such as the psychotronically deflective orbs deployed by counter intelligence agents in discos during the 1970s (which, thanks to the low-gravity aluminum crystal growth that moon bases allowed, were markedly more effective than similar designs first developed in Rome in the Middle Ages).

So, the question is: What are they covering up now with this new private space race known as the X-Prize? What new space-based technologies are going to be "discovered" in the coming years as space is commercialized that have been used against us for decades?

One possibility for revelation is the technology required to build space elevators, which have been conveniently hyped in recent months for no apparent reason. A very strong and light material is needed to make the strand or band that the space elevator car will travel on. Popular opinion is that some form of carbon nanotubes will be used, although we officially lack the technology to manufacture them in sufficient quantity. However, the current states of classified nanobiotechnology and genetic engineering are certainly such that they could be used to produce mecha-organisms that will secrete large amounts of the substances. (In fact, this biosecretion technology has been in development, in secret, for centuries, ever since the Byzantines first started experimenting with mutant silk worms to produce flame resistant materials for their soldiers to wear while flinging Greek Fire at their enemies. Of course, the bioengineers of Byzantium lacked modern biological process control techniques that would allow them to direct the development and genetic alteration of the silk worms, so they never managed to develop space-elevator-capable materials of their own, thankfully.)

If I am correct in my suspicions, this portends a future where the technology behind black helicopters (which I first brought to light in the 1990s) will be even more widely used to subjugate humanity, replacing mind control with total nanobiological subversion.

Lyle Zapato

Mind Control iPod

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-02.4700 LMT | Mind Control | General Paranoia

iManchurian

For those orthonoids who scoffed at my suggestion that audio encoders could be used for nefarious mind control purposes, I present this Korean patent that can convert an iPod-type audio player into a mind control device:

A mind controller is disclosed. The mind controller can induce a user's brain waves into an alpha wave state or a theta wave state by sensing and analyzing human brain waves and then transmitting a mind control audio message suitable for the analyzed human brain waves to the user, so that the user can improve mental concentration power or memory for himself/herself. The mind controller for activating brain waves generated from the user's brain, includes: an EEG (Electroencephalogram) sensor for sensing frequency band corresponding to alpha waves and theta waves from the brain waves generated from the user's brain; an MCU (Memory Control Unit) for analyzing whether the brain waves sensed by the EEG sensor are alpha waves or theta waves through a built-in program of a brain wave analysis program pack and controlling output of a message, which corresponds to the alpha waves or the theta waves, out of mind control audio messages of an MP3 pack; an audio decoder for demodulating signal converted into data in the MP3 pack by control signal output from the MCU; a D/A converter for receiving signal provided from the audio decoder and converting the signal into analog audio signal; and audio output means for converting and providing the analog audio signal into sound.

iParallax

UPDATE 2006-04-21: The Bush connection...

Lyle Zapato

Kibioctet: Your New Friend!

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-20.8930 LMT | Metric System

In 1884, the Lord Kelvin had the following to say about inadequate measurement systems:

Lord Kelvin "You, in this country, are subjected to the British insularity in weights and measures; you use the foot, inch and yard. I am obliged to use that system, but must apologize to you for doing so, because it is so inconvenient, and I hope Americans will do everything in their power to introduce the French metrical system. ... I look upon our English system as a wickedly, brain-destroying system of bondage under which we suffer. The reason why we continue to use it, is the imaginary difficulty of making a change, and nothing else; but I do not think in America that any such difficulty should stand in the way of adopting so splendidly useful a reform." [Source]

120 years later, America (and, sadly, much of Cascadia,) still hasn't heeded His words. To the contrary, we have shackled ourselves with an additional modern form of measuremental bondage that is even more brain-destroying than anything the most wicked Brit could have devised -- one that even perverts the system that Kelvin advocated. I am speaking of the units we use to measure data on computers; the bytes, kilobytes, megabytes, gigabytes, terabytes, and, yes, even petabytes that we have all become so familiar with, and yet can be so confused by.

Let's start with the basic units. The bit, in case you didn't know, is the smallest unit of information in a binary system. There are no fractional bits, and the term is unambiguous. This is an acceptable unit. The byte is a little more convoluted. In present-day usage, 1 byte = 8 bits. However, the term originally referred to the number of bits needed to encode a character. Consequently, there were computer systems where bytes were different numbers of bits. This system-specific functional term only later became a general unit of information when the 8-bit character size became a standard, resulting in one term having two incompatible meanings (albeit one now considered obsolete) in the same field.

But the real confusion comes when bit and byte are used together. The abbreviation for byte is uppercase B, whereas the abbreviation for bit is lowercase b. In theory this seems simple and even eloquent, but in practice people often use B/b indiscriminately, usually out of ignorance of the difference (not to mention problems caused by caps lock scofflaws and e. e. cummings wannabes.) Oddly, the original "bite" was given a "y" so that it wouldn't be misspelled "bit," but this rather obvious abbreviation problem was overlooked.

The next level of trouble comes from the prefixes used with these two terms. How many bytes are in a kilobyte? The answer depends on whom you ask. Computer science people would say 1 kilobyte = 1,024 bytes (1,024 is a round number in binary notation: 10000000000.) But this ignores the accepted meanings of the Metric prefixes (kilo = 1,000, mega = 1,000,000, etc.) which means proponents of the Metric System correctly reject this usage as improper.

Now if it was just people in an unrelated field being persnickety then maybe this wouldn't really be a practical problem for computer users; However, the proper Metric meaning of the prefixes are used by some in the computing industry, although often out of ulterior motives. For instance, if a harddrive manufacturer says a drive has 10 gigabytes, then it actually has 10,000,000,000 bytes, not 10,737,418,240 bytes as your operating system would measure 10 gigabytes -- you may be getting less than you think you're getting. The result of this mix of proper and improper use of Metric prefixes is ambiguity and the potential for errors (or dishonest pricing).

So how should we solve these problems? For starters, we need to replace the term byte with one that has a more obvious abbreviated distinction from bit. Just as Kelvin urged Americans to follow the lead of the French, I am urging everyone to use the French term for 8-bits: octet. This term -- born out of anglophobia -- is both unambiguous and descriptive. Octet literally means a group of eight. In the context of informational measurement, it means 8 bits. Octet is abbreviated o, so there's no confusing it for bits. Plus, the French have already been using it for years, with no problems.

Next, we need to consistently stop misusing the Metric prefixes. A kilo is defined as 1,000 and it should never be used for something else. Instead, we should widely adopt the binary prefixes that were approved as a standard by the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) in 1998. These prefixes are as follows:

  • kibi- (Ki) = 210 (1024)
  • mebi- (Mi) = 220 (1048576)
  • gibi- (Gi) = 230 (1073741824)
  • tebi- (Ti) = 240 (1099511627776)
  • pebi- (Pi) = 250 (1125899906842624)

(For more, see the NIST reference page on prefixes for binary multiples.)

Thus, the old, tired, and confused kilobyte (8,192 bits) will be reborn as the kibioctet (Kio). So, computer users, say hello to your new friend kibioctet, as well as his buddies mebioctet (Mio), gibioctet (Gio), tebioctet (Tio), and, yes, even pebioctet (Pio).

UPDATE (2004-06-21): Here are some trendy badges so you can educate your visitors of these important new data measurement terms and show your site's support of sensible standards:

kibioctet mebioctet gibioctet tebioctet pebioctet

UPDATE (2004-07-06): This article, with additional information, can now be found at ZPi Labs: Kibioctets. Any further updates will go on that page. If you want to link to this information, link there.

Lyle Zapato

He Who Controls The Encoder...

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-10.1788 LMT | Mind Control | General Paranoia

As every paranoid knows, all "music" released by the Recording Industry has been riddled with cerebrosonic mind control ever since the Industry's inception. (The earliest forms of cerebrosonics were, unsurprisingly, laughably crude by today's standards -- such as Edison's simple backmasking of adverts for his electric pen into his debut release of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" -- and the modern era of consumer cerebrosonics really didn't come to full fruition until the development of Beatlemania-inducing quasinodal harmonics by the BBC in 1962.) It's no wonder then that paranoids have been musically disadvantaged in recent decades, since finding underground, trusted sources of mind-control-free recorded music was often difficult.

Then the 1990s brought with it the promise of being able to find those sources with ease, for both paranoids and orthonoids alike. The global and decentralized nature of the burgeoning Internet allowed the free exchange of music, with digital signatures based on advanced cryptographic technology used to ensure a network of trust from paranoid artists to their paranoid fans. Today, this is all taken for granted, however there is a dangerous flaw in this trust network: The music encoder.

Say you have a raw digital recording of mind-control-free music that you are going to distribute on the Internet. To save on bandwidth, you wish to compress it as much as possible while maintaining quality, so you unthinkingly use a common compression solution such as MP3, AAC, or WMA to encode the music for distribution. But, how can you trust the encoder not to add cerebrosonic mind control to the resulting file? You can't. And since the "lossy" compression significantly reinterprets the recording, there's no easy way to verify that the resulting file matches the original in memetic content.

Consider: The technology in all these high compression formats is based on a scientific field called "psychoacoustics," which studies how the brain perceives and interprets sound, and specifically what sounds people can't consciously detect. I mean... come on, do you really trust your brain to people calling themselves psychoacousticians? (Notice how that one doth protest too much about the whole "sonic mind control" issue.)

Furthermore, the technologies are all heavily patented by groups ranging from a shadowy German corporation founded by a Knight of the King of Bavaria, to a cult-like company known for its leader's ability to locally distort perceived reality, to Microsoft. If you are using encoders for these compression formats, you might as well just buy the newest Britney Spears CD and surrender your brain to the New World Order's sex slave recruitment division.

Of course, orthonoids and ill-informed paranoids will use them, just as the forces of mind control have arranged. (Organizations like the RIAA are merely fronts designed by the forces of mind control to encourage use of these compromised technologies through reverse psychology.) And while open audio technologies like Ogg Vorbis offer an alternative for those who know to look for them, they will never be allowed to gain general acceptance.

(NB: All MP3s offered on this site were hand encoded using vi for your protection.)

UPDATE: More On iPods & Cerebrosonics

Lyle Zapato

How To Disappear Completely (As Seen On TV!)

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-01.2900 LMT | Fashion | General Paranoia

In public places, cameras watch our every move. They record where we go, what we do, and who we meet -- even what personal hygiene products we buy. While ostensibly for our security, these cameras are in fact being used by shadowy forces to monitor our lives and learn our secrets to later use against us. Is there a way for the conscientious paranoid to avoid the unblinking gaze of the modern panopticon? Indeed, there is.

Television meteorologists and digital effects technicians use a technology called chromakey -- also often called "blue screen" -- to aid in compositing different elements into a scene. The most common use of this technology involves having a subject stand in front of a usually blue or green screen that is then replaced electronically with some background image, such as a weather map or CGI alien cityscape. Although technicians try to avoid it, chromakey can also affect a foreground subject; for instance, a bright blue tie will result in the illusion of a gaping hole in a weatherman's chest.

While this downplayed side-effect of chromakey technology may be undesirable to those trying to project the image of weathermen as solid purveyors of truth, it can be used to the paranoid's advantage: by wearing a costume made entirely of chromakey screen material, a paranoid can become invisible to electronic surveillance cameras.

Here at ZPi Laboratories, we are working on such electrooptical camouflage in the form of a hooded unitard made of bright blue or green colored spandex, which I call the Chromatard. I believe that this outfit -- which is form-fitting to help the wearer avoid unnecessary, camera-detectable interaction with the environment -- will become as popular with the paranoid community as the AFDB has become. Unfortunately, it is currently unusable outside of laboratory conditions since its bright color will attract the unwanted attention of any enemy agent not hidden behind an electronic camera. However, this should be less of a problem in the future when nearly all forms of surveillance will be mediated by electronic visualizing devices -- either "security" cameras or the eyes of robots. This future will belong to the Chromatarded paranoid.

Lyle Zapato

Walking Downhill Perpetually To Prosperity

Lyle Zapato | 2004-05-29.0000 LMT

In The Two Towers, Treebeard the talking, walking tree muses that he always likes going south because it somehow feels like going downhill. While meant as folksy humor, this actually isn't far from the truth (at least in the northern hemisphere, where presumably all the talking, walking trees live).

As one walks across the surface of a spinning planet toward its equator, one is moving farther away from the planet's axis of rotation, meaning one is traveling at a greater speed around it and is thus experiencing stronger centrifugal force -- the pseudoforce pushing objects away from the center of rotation that is really the consequence of the conservation of momentum. As the centrifugal force increases, the centripetal force of gravity remains relatively constant (in reality, planets bulge at the equator, so gravity is slightly greater,) resulting in a decrease in gravity's subjective effect. Therefore, walking south while in the northern hemisphere becomes progressively easier since one weighs less with each step (that is until one hits the equator, then it gets progressively harder until one hits the south pole and it becomes impossible). The difference in effort is, of course, not consciously perceptible to us, although it may be to massive, tree-sized creatures. So Treebeard might really have felt like he was going downhill afterall.

In M. C. Escher's famous illustration "Ascending and Descending," hooded figures perpetually ascend or descend a staircase that loops continuously on itself. This seemingly impossible situation was illustrated by Escher using geometric slight of hand, but could it not be possible in reality? In fact, it could, and Treebeard was 90° from the secret of Escherian perpetual downhilledness: he should have gone east!

When walking eastward on Earth, you are walking with the rotation of the planet (your planet may vary). Since your momentum would send you at a tangent to the surface if not for Earth's gravity, you are falling somewhat with every step east -- in other words, you are going downhill. Contrariwise, when going west you are stepping into the Earth as it rotates at you, requiring extra effort to lift yourself on top of it -- exactly like going uphill.

To realize Escher's impossible staircase, we would need only to build stairs circling the globe along a line of latitude. The stairs would need to have a very low rise to run ratio, and be slightly curved toward the Earth at a radius to balance gravity and linear momentum when traversing them. The effect would be most pronounced at the equator; however, budget concerns may force the stairs to be built farther north or south, with grippy soled shoes used to compensate for the necessarily angled runners. Much like the planned space elevator, this project would be one of both international cooperation and global economic benefit from energy savings -- imagine armies of moving men and stevedores from all the nations of the world harmoniously carrying crates down the stairs ever eastward, satisfied in the knowledge that they are doing less work than if they were going the other direction.

Can humanity even afford not to build the stairs? I think not.