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Lyle Zapato

Physiognomics As She Is Spoke

Lyle Zapato | 2006-09-25.7000 LMT | Miscellaneous | Retro
George Morland
Aquasorbitiveness large.
George Morland, a talented painter, who died as he had lived, a great drunkard.

The 1871 book A New Physiognomical Chart by Joseph Simms, M.D. presents an original physiognomic classification system based on over 100 faculties -- such as characterioscopicity, computationumericality, and physiœlpidicity -- discernable by a combination of body types and facial features.

Each faculty is given an entry that includes a descriptive physiognomic characteristic; a grading scale from 1 to 12; methods to increase or decrease ones grade, should one choose; and illustrations of individuals who exemplify the faculty, positively or negatively.

While some of the faculty names are still in usage (e.g. "ambitiousness" and "credulousness" -- which Simms conveniently considers a faculty worthy of promotion), most are all but lost to the Internet (The Phrontistery doesn't even have a list!)

So, for the sake of huntatative types who wish to expand their linguastiveness, find grist for their salitive mill, or are just trying to tell their temporinaturalitiveness from their temporimechanicality, here's a glossary of select physiognomic faculties (those with high degrees of both amicitiveness and ordinimentality, please feel free to add these words to Wiktionary to edify future generations of physiognomicists):

Read more...

Tha Stinkin' Pirate

Pirobots!

Tha Stinkin' Pirate | 2006-07-01.7030 LMT | Piratical Yarrings | Simulacra

Ferget tha scurvy, Depp'd Pirates o' tha Carrribbean ride, now ye can git yer own pirobotical shipmate...

(I pirated tha video off ah site I discover'd whilst searchin' tha eBay fer booty, but I've lost me map ta tha pirobotmonger's whereabouts. I'm plannin' ta replace me whole crew wit audioanimatrrronics, so if ye be knowin' tha site's bearins', I'd be much obliged.)

Lyle Zapato

Super Gnathal Fun Deflection!

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-28.7540 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Fashion

Japanese paranoids now have a product to deflect basal psychotronics:

The above device is called アルミニ重あごシェイプ, which Babel Fish helpfully translates as "Aluminum it is heavy gnathal Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers, europe". Those wacky Japanese with their wacky names!

In Western terms, it's a self-adhesive aluminum gnathic shield designed to protect the underside of the forebrain from psychotronic rays coming from nefarious downstairs neighbors (apparently a pesky problem in highrise-riddled Japan), boreshipmen, talpidytes, and other assorted underground forces of mind control.

Its maker, Akaishi -- who markets it via third parties as a "face care" product to get around Japanese anti-mind-control-device trade laws -- also offers a version that shields most of the face, less creatively called アルミ顔やせマスク ("aluminum face and something mask"):

For full facial deflection effect, the mask should be used with corundum-lensed goggles and an aluminum respirator. Of course, both devices are pointlessly incomplete without an AFDB.

While we here at ZPi do not condone the use of prêt-à-porter aluminum shielding devices as they may contain hidden psychotronic circuitry, we do approve of cute, paranoid Japanese models in little black dresses, so we'll overlook the mental security flaws this time.

(Found via Tokyo Damage Report, which has pics of the packaging for these and other amusing-yet-less-topical products.)

Lyle Zapato

Multilingual Suffocation Avoidance

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-10.6550 LMT

Microsoft provides the future with a safety-conscious Rosetta Stone that leverages both ubiquity and non­bio­de­grad­able­ness to conserve both languages and infant lives.

Plastic keyboard bag with warnings

Every keyboard they sell comes in the above plastic bag that teaches you how to write...

WARNING

Infants and young children can fatally suffocate when their faces are within or next to a plastic bag. Discard this bag immediately. Keep away from children, infants, cribs, beds, playpens or carriages.

...in 24 languages. The remaining 23 are reproduced below for your linguistic amusement:

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Lord Kelvin: Military Leader

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-23.9400 LMT | Kelviniana

From an eBay auction for a 1912 biography, Lord Kelvin: His Life and Work (emphasis added, all of it sic):

Lord Kelvin

Lord Kelvin was one of those super human beings who
excelled in everything he did.
Born in Ireland 1824, his father moved to Glasgow to be
a mathematics chair in Glasgow University. Then only
11 years old Lord Kelvin became a student there and
quickly became the star student!
He excelled in other
universities and even rowed in the winning team of
Oxford/Cambridge race. At age of 22 he became the
chair of natural philosophy in University of Glasgow
for 47 years, becoming a well-known author and authority.

He was one of the first persons to recognize the importance
of electricity and telgraphy. He developed many patents
of mathematics and physical inventions.
He was a specialist in heat, wave-motion,
electrostatics and magnetism.
He is most well known as a military leader.
This book has an emphasis on his scientific work.

Right. If you want a book with an emphasis on his military leadership in the war to liberate Mars, you need to read the previously mentioned one.

Lyle Zapato

Dactyl Fractal Metastasizes

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-24.7530 LMT | Polydactylism

Here's an ad for Verizon broadband found in October's Wired:

Look familiar?

So, here's the question: Did Verizon's ad agency get the idea from my site (consciously or unconsciously), did both they and I get the idea from some third party that I've forgotten about, or is it that the evolution of the Human mind has reached a turning point -- spurred, perhaps, by our increased reliance on finger-mediated communication -- where the archetype of the Handlebrot is now manifesting itself spontaneously in our collective consciousness and we should expect to see it pop up in more places as time progresses?

If any Jungian chaoticians have a theory, I would be happy to hear it.

Lyle Zapato

Protection Against Spray Attack

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-29.2480 LMT | Black Helicopters | Retro
Pin-up girl in gas mask and plastic bag attacking gas-spraying Japanese zero with a rifle - 'Protection Against Spray Attack'

Little Known Secret Weapons of WWII: An elite contingent of the USO made up of specially equipped pin-up girls was created in order to protect Iowa from miniature Imperial Japanese poison-gas fighters -- primitive forerunners of modern black helicopters.

UPDATE: More details about this image and what happened to the modeled spray-attack-bags after the war...

Lyle Zapato

Cake Decorating Of Yesteryear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-20.1800 LMT | Food | Retro


Figure 1: The seductive appeal of scalloping.

From Magic for Your Table... Cake & Food Decorating By Wilton, published in 1971. It's sort of a combination cake decorating HOWTO and product catalog from Wilton Enterprises, Inc. (now Wilton Industries). Could there be retro-wackiness inside?

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Martian Enjoyment Tip

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-07.2700 LMT | Food

Wisdom found on the back of an "M-Azing" bar...

Enjoyment Tip: Do not use if inner foil is broken or torn.

Tampering, whether of chocolate or brains, can really diminish one's enjoyment. Always check the foil before using either.

Lyle Zapato

A Simpler Time When Marketers Drank Absinthe

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-07.4000 LMT | Food | Retro

Fruit crate label: Clown Brand, Sparr Fruit Co., California
"Hey kids! Eat your fruits and vegetables
or I'll bite your little heads off!"