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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMAN ARTIST STALKING US!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-06-13.5800 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Art

Human artist Jill Miller is stalking Sasquatch in the forests of Southern Cascadia!! She claims it is "performance art" and calls it "Waiting for Bigfoot"!! -- WHY ARE HUMANS ALWAYS OBSESSED WITH OUR FEET?!! Is it because theirs are so puny?! -- She will be putting spy cameras around the forest that will send live pictures of Sasquatch to Norwich Gallery in Human city of San Francisco where effete, black-turtleneck-wearing Humans will treat unsuspecting Sasquatch as texts to be read all the while fantasizing about our feet!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Perverted Human artists must justify their "performance art" to councils of elder Humans in order to get continued supplies of Human feed that they are unwilling to gather on their own... LISTEN TO THE HUMAN'S ARTSY FARTSY SQUEEKINGS:

Miller postulates that Bigfoot is a metaphor for the natural human desire for mystery and the unknown. In an age that is hallmarked by scientific investigation, Western societies are occupied with the desire to know everything, such as determining how to stop the aging process, or defining which compounds comprise the surface of Mars. Scientific instruments are finely tuned to both our macro and microcosms. Carl Jung explains in Psychology and the Occult that despite the age of materialism and rationalistic enlightenment in Western societies, intense scientific and public interest in ESP, spirits, and invisible forces flourish. Scientific inquiry, in a pure academic approach, does not refute the unknown, but opens doors to pursuing it. Artist Jill Miller is interested in peeling back the layers of fear, irony, and pop culture that surround Bigfoot and creating a space that will generate larger questions of belief and inquiry.

I AM NOT A METAPHOR!!! What does any of that have to do with putting spy cameras in our forests?! Why don't Humans learn to make real art, like MOSS SCULPTURES, BARK MOSAICS, or PINECONE MOBILES?! THOSE LOOK NICE AND EVERYONE CAN ENJOY THEM!!!

Maybe I should make my own "performance art" by going to Norwich Gallery and pummelling it to the ground with boulders!! I will call my work: "HUMANS ARE A METAPHOR FOR PUMMELED MEAT!!!"

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-05-27.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

I have just heard howl that a Human cryptozoologist cabal is gathering in the place they call Bellingham! They will be there today, tomorrow, and the next day holding what they call the Sasquatch Research Conference... But they are not Sasquatch researching Sasquatch culture or Sasquatch interests, THEY ARE HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!! They want to spy on us at night and listen in on our howls! They call it "PROJECT NIGHTWATCH"!!

HUMANS SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!! You don't see Sasquatch listening in as human Tom Yamarone makes his squeeky Human howls (AS IF WE WOULD WANT TO!!) or spying on Human Loren Coleman's mating rituals! LEAVE US ALONE, PERVERTED HUMANS!!

And while I am howling about local events... why are there no Sasquatch artists at the SASQUATCH!!! Music Festival?! They didn't even bother to include Migoi whistlers on the third-tier Yeti stage! All the artists are Human and Pixie! PIXIES DON'T EVEN EXIST!! First Humans steal grunge music from us and now they exclude us from our own music festival and replace us with make-believe winged leprechauns! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE FOR SASQUATCH?!?!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: WOOKIEE RAGE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-04-05.4700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment
Chewbacca Figure
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN WOOKIEE RAGE WITHIN A PLASTIC BUBBLE!!!

Howl in the forest is that the Human called George Lucas will release another Squatchploitation movie called "Revenge of the Sith"...

***SPOILER ALERT!!!*** Nerd Humans: STOP READING MY HOWL NOW!!!

"Revenge of the Sith" will star CHEWBACCA the WOOKIEE... WOOKIEE IS HUMAN SQUEEK FOR SPACE SASQUATCH!!! In previous movies, Chewbacca was a sidekick to Space Humans! SASQUATCH IS NOT A SIDEKICK!!! Maybe Teh-Ima is a sidekick, BUT NOT SASQUATCH!!! Those movies were made during a dark time of Sasquatch-Human relations that Humans call the 1970s, when Sasquatch were persecuted by Nimoy and fake bionic Sasquatch battled bionic Human to a draw for Human amusement -- THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! Bionic Sasquatch would delimb bionic Human Steve Austin in slow motion while howling that DA-NA-NA-NA sound!

...MY HOWL DIGRESSES!!!

The new Lucas movie is about the WOOKIEE ARMY fighting against the Space Humans invading the Wookiee home planet -- CLEARLY AN OBLIQUE PORTRAYAL OF THE SASQUATCH MILITIA!!! Ripping the limbs off of Space Humans is better than being a sidekick! LOOK AT THE MIGHTY WOOKIEE ARMY...

Wookiee Army copyright Lucusfilm

But something is wrong... If this Lucas Human has become such a friend to Sasquatch, then why is it that these Wookiees are still PLAYED BY HUMANS IN FUR SUITS!?!? IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL HOMINOIDS!!! Even worse, I have heard howl that the Wookiee Army is MADE WITH COMPUTERS... I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I KNOW THAT IT ENRAGES ME!!!

Lucas has enraged Hominoids in the past and now he is doing it again! Chewbacca and Wookiee Army should be played by real Sasquatch and not be made sidekicks of Space Humans! Chewbacca should have a LIGHTLOG, his own space ship that can make the Kessel run in LESS THAN SIX PARSECS, and get to howl "I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!!" while delimbing Space Humans!

HUMAN CALLED LUCAS, HEAR MY HOWL!!! Satisfy Sasquatch demands or Southern Cascadian Sasquatch Militia will PUMMEL SKYWALKER RANCH WITH BOULDERS!!!

SASQUATCH POWER!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: Impending Stomper Unrest!

Radical Sasquatch | 2004-09-27.8740 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia

Cascadian Humans, hear my howl! If you value the pathetic fur on your heads, stay away from the vicinity of Mt. AAARARRAAARARARAAA (known in your puny Human speech as "Saint Helens")! The mighty Seeahtik Death Soles will be battling the Yayaya-ash Frighteners in the Cascadian Grand Stomper Tourney in the mountain crater! Preliminary stompings have been ongoing since last Thursday! Any Human intruders during the game will be pelted with boulders! My howl ends... Resume your Human cowering under eyes in sky like helpless chipmunks afraid of owls! SASQUATCH POWER!