ZPi | Letters
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Lyle Zapato

An Open Letter To Archie McPhee

Lyle Zapato | 2007-02-01.6270 LMT | Kelviniana | Crass Commercialism

Dear Mr. McPhee,

Your company, Accoutrements, is well known for its exclusive line of action figures based on famous historical figures, common folk of interest, and proud indigenous hominoids. However, I have noticed one glaring omission in your otherwise well-rounded collection:

Why is there no Lord Kelvin action figure?

Besides developing the science of Thermodynamics, being instrumental to the unification of diverse fields of science under the aegis of Physics, and mapping the way for Relativity and Quantum Mechanics with his identification in 1900 of the two "Nineteenth-Century Clouds" hanging over the field, Lord Kelvin was the Kevin Bacon of Victorian science and technology, playing roles both minor and profound in most important developments of his time.

Consider some of his many claims to fame:

  • Was admitted to university at age 10, published his first mathematical paper at age 16, and was appointed to the chair of Natural Philosophy at the University of Glasgow at age 22, where he stayed until his death at age 83
  • Was a champion rower in his youth and later in life traveled the seas in his yacht, the Lalla Rookh
  • First person on Earth to have electric lighting installed in his home
  • Headed the commission that chose AC over DC for national power grids
  • Discovered the material property magnetoresistance, the basis for hard drives
  • Had 70 patents, including an inkjet printer in 1867
  • Invented the technology that allowed for transatlantic communication cables and supervised their laying, thereby fathering the global Information Age that we currently live in
  • Coined the terms "thermodynamic" and "chirality"
  • Has a unit of temperature (the Kelvin), a lunar ridge (Promontorium Kelvin), and a refrigerator brand (Kelvinator) named in his honor
  • Incidentally launched the mathematical field of Knot Theory while exploring the idea that atoms are made of swirling vortices of aether -- a full 100 years before String Theorists proposed similar ideas
  • Defended Panspermia, the theory that life on Earth was seeded by "moss-grown fragments from the ruins of another world"
  • Agreed with Tesla that life on Mars was trying to contact Earth via radio signals (UPDATE See: "On the Martians Signalling Earth.")
  • Is buried next to Isaac Newton

As can be plainly seen, it is a great injustice that someone as notable as Lord Kelvin does not yet have his own action figure. I dare say he even deserves a playset!

With December 2007 marking the Centennial of his passing, now would be an excellent time for you to take the lead and rectify this oversight.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
Humble servant of Lord Kelvin.

Lyle Zapato

I've Heard Of Ambulance Chasers...

Lyle Zapato | 2007-02-01.5630 LMT | Monorail Danger | Crass Commercialism

...But monorail chasers?

Subject: Website Suggestion

Hello

My name is [REDACTED!] and I'm with [REDACTED!].com. Our site is dedicated to informing the public about auto accidents as well as providing the service of locating a lawyer for anyone in the United States.

We have recently come upon zapatopi.net and we believe that your site's audience will take advntage of the service we provide. That's why we would like to inform you about our site and to propose submitting our link to your web page located at [Monorail Collision Over Seattle]

Our site information is:

URL: http://www.[REDACTED!].com
Title: Auto Accident Lawyer
Description: Find Auto Accident lawyers specializing in auto accident SUV rollovers, roadway lighting hazzards, commercial vehicle accident, DUI AUTO accident, catastrophic auto injury, elderly driver accident, auto seat belts, child auto restraints and more.

We would appreciate it if you could include a link to our site on your web page. Thank you and all the folks at zapatopi.net for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[REDACTED!]

Please note I am only the webmaster of [REDACTED!].com and not a lawyer. We are a marketing company promoting website visibility on the internet. Link exchanging is one way to build site popularity.

{To opt out from future emails, please reply to this message with "unsubscribe" in the subject box.}

Another reason to avoid monorails: they're magnets for sleazy lawyers.

Lyle Zapato

Thujoctopus pilosa

Lyle Zapato | 2006-12-29.1710 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Crass Commercialism

Newly added to the Tree Octopus sightings: Marc L. sent in a photo of a rare tree octopus that specializes in redcedar:

Here is a rare and endangered Cephalopod Thuja Pilcata or locally known as the Western Red Cedar Climbing Octopus. You don't see one of these babies everyday!! Especially this far inland!!

Emacs!


Photo detail enhanced using advanced ZPi cephalopod-image processing
technology.

Marc has his names a bit confused, which is understandable given the esoteric nature of tree octopus cladistics. Thuja plicata is actually the scientific name for the Western Redcedar tree that this octopus calls home. The correct binomial for the octopus itself is Thujoctopus pilosa, named for the lush coating of bluish velvet that it evolved to help retain moisture as it migrated deep inland from its ancestral Pacific home. Unfortunately, this notable trait led to its current rarity.

Originally considered a cheaper domestic alternative to fine velvets imported from Italy or Kashmir, redcedar octopus pelts became popular in the early to mid 20th century with a growing North American middle-class desperate for luxury goods. In particular, evening dresses made entirely of undyed T. pilosa pelts became such a fixture during the post-war period that they were immortalized in the song "Blue Velvet" -- made a hit in 1951 by Tony Bennett and again in the 1960s by Bobby Vinton.

(The song also featured prominently in the 1986 film "Blue Velvet" by director and animal lover David Lynch, who considered it emblematic of the moral degeneracy of suburban middle-class life. Lynch spent much of his childhood in the woods of eastern Washington and was well aware of the devastation brought against the local tree octopus populations by the twisted, fetishistic desires of the suburbs.)

Eventually, shrinking numbers of redcedar octopus combined with inexpensive mass-produced synthetic velvets available on the burgeoning global market led to the pelt trade becoming unprofitable -- narrowly saving T. pilosa from extinction.

UPDATE 2007-01-01: Marc sent another picture showing a breeding colony of "Cedar Pus", as locals call them.

The Monorailist

An Open Letter To Ahmadinejad

The Monorailist | 2006-12-18.8160 LMT | Monorail Danger | Politics

Dear Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

It was with great interest that I read your recent reaffirmation of your stirring call for Iran to join the elite group of nations who embrace that most significant and world-changing invention wrought by Man's ingenuity: the Monorail.

When you became Mayor of Tehran you championed Monorailism over various polyrailistic heresies and the perniciousness of Arailism. While timid Luddites like Ali-Asghar Ardakanian of the Transport Engineering Society -- that sad little nest of errant orthodoxy! -- were disparaging the Iranian people by saying that they did not have the advanced knowledge necessary to operate and maintain a system of Monorails, you proudly proclaimed that Iran had within her the strength of will to gain that knowledge. If you, born to a family of lowly blacksmiths mindlessly hammering away at the wheel-hubs of paleotransportation, could uplift yourself to Monorail Consciousness by becoming a doctor of Transport Engineering, then surely the Iranian people could similarly be uplifted into the Ultramodern World of the Monorail!

Unlike your mayoral predecessor Shahrestani, who 30 years ago succumbed to the cramped negativity of the so-called "experts" and gave up his dream of a monorailed Tehran, you boldly denounced those who opposed that dream as being engaged in "political and press games" and vowed to "continue to implement this modern project in cooperation with the private sector". And implement it you did!

This singular boldness that is the defining trait of we Monorailists was undoubtedly the key to your winning the Presidency of Iran, and with it a popular mandate to expand the Iranian Monorail System from its humble beginnings running between the Mehrabad International Airport and Sadeghieh Square to an all-encompassing railwork binding together Iran in the concrete embrace of the Future.

But your lack of focus on the crucial monorail issue in your term as President has clearly hurt you, leading to the embarrassing rebuke in the polls that you suffered on Friday. Your administration has gone off the rail, squandering its mandate to Monorailize on unfruitful confrontations with the West. A change is unavoidable if there is any hope of seeing Iran's Monorail Destiny fulfilled.

The reaffirmation of your core principle was a good start, but you need to do more than just talk -- you need to take decisive action: Work to free the Tehran Monorail from the malaise of the current mayorship, which has seen it fall into a state of disuse. Nationalize it if you must, but by all means the monorail must run! Divert research efforts from mere nuclear energy to nuclear-powered maglev monorails. Take the cause of Monorailism to the streets and let those poor ground-traveling souls know that there is a higher form of transport that they could be experiencing. All these things and more are within your power if only you would will them.

Finally, tilt less at the windmills of Zionism and instead rally your people against the real shared threat to our world today: The Global Automobilist Conspiracy. I am certain that they are the ones behind the recent suspicious maglev accidents as well as the troubles with my own beloved Seattle Monorail. (FACT: nearly all of those responsible for tabulating the ballot measure in 2005 that doomed the Seattle Monorail Project were known Automotorists. As brutal dictator and automobile manufacturer Joseph Stalin once said: "It's not the people who vote that count. It's the people who count the votes.") Don't let Iran come under their smoggy sway.

It shames me to admit that we in the West have been embarrassingly slow to adopt the Monorail as our native mode of transportation. This is your chance to put Iran in the forefront of the Monorailist Revolution, and thereby spur a global race to monorailize all nations. Let us not bicker away our energies on zero-sum confrontations, but instead unite ourselves in mutually embettering competition to see who can build the fastest, the longest, the most transcendent monorails that have ever graced our planet. We welcome the challenge with all the good sportsmanship that befits this most civilized form of transport.

However, beyond mere rivalry, I firmly believe that the Monorail will bring Humanity closer together. Whether Western or Eastern, Muslim or Jew, Palestinian or Israeli, Electromagneticist or Permanent-Magneticist, when we ride on the monorail we are all of us on the same track heading together toward Unity.

With sincerest regards,
The Monorailist

UPDATE: Ahmadinejad Boldly Responds

Lyle Zapato

A Father's Tachyon Transceiver

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-25.2698 LMT | Technology | Kelviniana

Although it may not seem it at first, Christopher R. Davy's 2001 patent application for The Tachyon Transceiver is the heart-warming, feel-good patent application of the summer.

What is a Tachyon Transceiver? Davy claims:

The Tachyon Transceiver(s) can send or receive a resonance from one point in spacetime to another point in spacetime instantaneously without a relativistic time-delay.

Interesting, but probably not as practical as St. Clair's Remote Viewing Amplifier. As we shall see, however, the real interest here isn't technological, but human.

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

ZPi Brokers International Peace

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-13.2300 LMT | Aluminum | Politics | Crass Commercialism

Back in February I received an inquiry from Pakistan about purchasing "Aluminum Lead Tin Foil" (one of numerous such inquiries ZPi receives due to our high search-engine placement for "aluminum".)

Well, this morning I got an email from a representative of a metals company in India who had read the above post and wished to contact the original correspondent to offer a quote. I've sent them each other's contact info. Hopefully they can make a deal and provide more grassroots ties between the two adversarial nations, thereby lessening regional tensions and creating a global example that will eventually lead to world peace. All thanks to ZPi!

We here at ZPi are all about leveraging international misunderstandings of websites to spread peace through economic co-dependence. I'm pretty sure we've always been about that. Yes. And with that in mind...

Someone else in India is looking for "Aluminum Foil stand-up pouch(es)" in various sizes, both plain and Ziplock. Any Pakistanis, Chinese, or anyone else that can hook them up, let me know and I'll get you in touch.

UPDATE: I've also got an Egyptian who is looking for 3 tons of triplex aluminum foil printed in one color ("for INDOCID SUPPOSITORY 100 MG") and another 3 tons of same unprinted. The foil should be 45 microns thick, coated inside with PE 20 microns and outside with PP 18 microns, width 58mm, printed on one side (on Polypropylene SID). This is your chance to bring peace to the Middle East. Don't let it slip away.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Lead Tin Foil

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-01.4810 LMT | Aluminum

One of the many business inquiries from Pakistan we get at ZPi:

Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2006 07:47
Subject: Re: Aluminum lead tin foil

Dear Sir or Madam

Hope that you will be fine. We are looking for Aluminum Lead Tin Foil 0.15MM Thick Spec: BS/STA 7L-X-1/1. Please quote 1400 Kg.This is the trial order. Our actual order is more bigger than 14000Kg.

Awaiting your early reply.The Matter is Most Urgent.

Thanks
[Name Withheld]

To which I replied:

Dear Sir and/or Madam

Sorry for the delay on this Most Urgent Matter. My busy schedule, filled as it is with meetings, conferences, and other manner of symposia, has left me negligent in promptly responding to my email. I offer you my sincerest apologies.

Unfortunately I must inform you that we do not sell metals of any quantities. We are in the business -- or as may be said, the vocation -- of informing people of the proper use of aluminum foil for blocking psychotronic mind control transmissions by various agencies governmental, corporate, and paraterrestrial.

If you are in need of our services, we can provide you, free of charge, with informative materials that can be used to protect you and your employees from hazardous workplace mind control often employed by business competitors attempting to undermine productivity and/or steal trade secrets.

Please understand though that we cannot assist you if you engage in any of the aforementioned activities, as this is counterindicated by our mission statement.

I await your most welcome and timely reply.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

We'll see if they write back or if my unfortunate delay in responding to their urgent call for deflective foils has inadvertently caused them to succumb to their psychotronic enemies.

Lyle Zapato

Response To The Chilliwack Progress

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-22.9800 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Complaints Department

Arthur Black's Jan. 22 editorial "Paranoid? Who's paranoid?" claims that the paranoid community hasn't responded to the MIT paper impugning the effectiveness of Deflector Beanie technology. This is false. The MIT paper was debunked last November, as can be read here on my website.

In short, the MIT experiment was unsuitable for the phenomenon in question and had procedural irregularities that would have disqualified it from a reputable peer-reviewed journal.

As the published author of one of the seminal works on personal mind-control protection using aluminum foil, I find it odd that I was not contacted by Mr. Black for a quote. Regardless, simple research on his part would have revealed the response to the MIT paper (it's the very first hit on Google for "'deflector beanie' MIT").

That Mr. Black either chose not to do any research or to ignore the existence of a response brings into question his competency as a journalist. I would expect such behavior from a writer for the Chilliwack Times, but I am disheartened to see it in someone from the Chilliwack Progress. I hope this is not indicative of a lowering of journalistic standards in our great Republic of Cascadia.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

Lyle Zapato

Pieglasses

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-17.5580 LMT | Food | Technology

"planet036" from the UK writes:

YOU LOT ARE WEIRD

Ive got to say i think you lot are weird, i mean what are you goin to make next! wooden hats that send out lazers!!! nor glasses that taste like pie!!1

Wooden hats that send out lasers are just silly. Changes in humidity would cause the wood to expand and contract, making precise alignment of the lasers impossible, thereby negating any benefits from having them cranially mounted.

However, ZPi Labs Pasteo-Optometry Division has been researching glasses that taste like pie -- pieglasses -- for a number of years. Here is our current prototype:

Pieglasses

While our marketing department is still trying to determine practical applications for our pieglass technology -- or at least a catchy jingle that would convince people that they want a pair -- we are certain that we will be able to successfully bring this product to market within 10 years.

Lyle Zapato

Belgian Orientation Film In Celebration

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-06.4320 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Entertainment

A paranoid operative deep under cover inside the Disney-controlled "town" of Celebration, Florida (name withheld to protect them from the wrath of Town Hall) forwards this not-really-shocking-at-all notice that was handed out to Cast Citizens:

On Wednesday, Dec. 7, a film crew from Belgium will be filming a show titled "How to Start Your Own Country" throughout the day in Celebration. This project has been authorized by Town Hall, and a representative from Town Hall will be present at all times.

My guess is they are creating a new orientation film for those working behind the scenes at the Belgian Conspiracy -- a replacement for their older one:

Film frame
Belgian Conspiracy orientation film frame, smuggled out of Disney-controlled ABC.