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Lyle Zapato

GPM #10: Kidd Safety

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-31.5530 LMT

The Further Adventures of Kidd Safety from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). I'll let Kidd introduce himself:

'Kidd Safety'

Hey everyone! I'm Kidd Safety! I know what you're thinking... oh my goodness, he's a goatboy! Yeah... it's kinda cool.

I'm 11 years old and live in Goatlahoma. Don't try to find it on a map. It is in the middle of nowheresville. I'm on my school soccer team - and I love to yell "SCORE" after a goal.

I love sports, but I'm no dope. I know how to play it safe. I always wear my safety gear before I play so I don't get hurt. My mom is such a nag about that, but I know she is right. I want to avoid getting hurt and having to go to the veterinarian.

Since you're here, stop by my safety house. After you visit my house, take a spin with the safety club. Take a look at my trophy, and for an extra surprise, check out the "K" on my shirt. Woo Hoo!

[Audio version here.]

Oh my goodness, he's a goatboy! But hey, don't worry about that. In fact, it's kinda cool. Wouldn't you like to be a human/goat chimera too? When you get sick, you get to go to the veterinarian, which is much cheaper than those uncool human doctors. Think of the health care savings! Woo Hoo!

They may have been created in a secret lab in Goatlahoma, Nowheresville -- don't bother looking; much like Area 51, it's kept off the maps -- but human/goat chimeras are no dopes. They know how to play it safe by wearing Government approved helmets, not those homemade aluminum things. Remember: Wear the helmet flat atop your head so the sensors can properly read your brain waves.

Of course, being a goatboy isn't all fun and games. You still have to go to school and listen to your nagging mother. Plus you have to monitor playground surface conditions for the Government and let agents of Industry harvest spider silk from your udders. But that's a small price to pay to be as cool as Kidd Safety.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #9: Broadband The FCC Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-29.9870 LMT | Letters | NWO

Broadband the FCC fat cat

Broadband is a cat who works for the US Federal Communications Commission (under Michael K. Powell, your FCC pal... wait, that was last week) at the FCC Kids Zone. Broadband teaches kids all about electronic communications and why the FCC has authority over all of them.

This communicatory omnipotence is conveyed by having Broadband explain about all sorts of things that you wouldn't normally associate with the FCC and its original mandate. For instance: How to safely unplug a USB device. Kids will learn that whenever they have questions about any form of electronic communication -- be it TV, cellphones, VoIP, email, floppy disks -- that they should turn to the FCC for guidance and governance.

Most deviously, Broadband's appearance -- a fat cat -- subtly conditions kids to find Big Media fat cats, whom the FCC are in cahoots with, cute and cuddly, thereby producing a generation of obedient IP consumers who will happily and unquestioningly accept ever more consolidation of ownership of media outlets. In addition, having a cat wear a striped FCC sweater (along with intermittent "wardrobe malfunction" witch hunts staged with the help of said fat cats) furthers the FCC's agenda to indoctrinate a fear of toppal nudity in the youth of North America in order to sell more RFID-tagged shirts, which of course need FCC approval to be sold, thereby extending the FCC's reach into your dresser drawers.

Oh, and you can email Broadband too! Here's what I wrote him:

Hi Broadband! You're my second favorite Federal government agency cat mascot after the NSA's Crypto Cat!

Why do you suffer from disfiguring facial twitches? Is your "GO" collar causing harmful electromagnetic interference? I would think you would have made sure it was in compliance with FCC rules before purchasing it.

What is Michael K. Powell like to work for? Does he give you generous holiday bonuses? Does he let you attend Council on Foreign Relations meetings? Can you get me his autograph?

Why aren't you wearing any pants? Isn't that indecent?


Your pal,

I'll update if he writes me back.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #8: Pat, Your Passport Pal

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-22.8000 LMT

Pat, your Passport Pal

Pat, your Passport Pal works for the US Department of State under Colin Powell, your (soon to be ex-) Secretary of State Pal, where Pat teaches kids that they are not allowed to go anywhere without government approval.

You see, Pat isn't just a state issued document designed to control and monitor your travels abroad and show the government's ownership of you, he is your Pal. You like carrying him with you. You welcome his presence and wish you could bring him along everywhere -- even when traveling within your own country! People who disapprove of Pat's friends from the government occasionally asking to see Pat as you carry him around your neighborhood are meanies! Why do they hate Pat so?

Much like the infamous infant tactoprogramming tool Pat the Bunny, Pat the passport subliminally invites you touch him, to feel the texture of his faux leatherette cover, to run your fingers along his edge, enjoying the rounded corners of his pages, and, yes, to even pat him gently as he nuzzles inside your coat pocket. You know you want to.

On Pat's corner of the State Department site you can play some fun games with Pat, like guiding him through a maze to the Great Seal, matching flags to countries, or a word find game. (Can you find "PLO"? Hint: it crosses the "plo" in "diplomacy." Maybe Pat's a fan of Equidistant Letter Sequences made famous by the Bible Code.) There's also fun State Department trivia: Did you know that the first Secretary of State to travel outside the US while in office was William H. Seward, who visited the Caribbean in 1866 and met with Danish and Spanish colonial officials and the Presidents of the Dominican Republic and Haiti? Now you do! See how much fun it is to play with Pat?

Lyle Zapato

GPM #7: President Putin's Pals

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-17.8550 LMT | Nature

Russian president Vladimir Putin isn't the creepy, ex-KGB technocratic spook that you might assume. Oh no! He's actually a nice guy who gets along with children -- and not just because he looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. In fact, he has his very own kids site (in Russian) called Uznay Prezidenta, where Russian kids can learn all about how their government works and what a swell guy Putin is!

The site features three cartoon kid mascots -- bespectacled Dobrinya, adventuresome Ilyusha, and touchy-feely Alenushka -- who ask Putin various questions and learn various fun Putin facts. For instance, did you know that president Putin does not have a right to allow Russia to be conquered and lose its independence and that, as the supreme commander-in-chief of the armed forces of Russia, he is obligated to make the Russian military invincible? Fun and factual!

Here's uncle Putin's fun response (paraphrased from a Babelfish translation, caveat translator) when the kids petition him to extend school vacations as a matter of civil liberties:

Putin: I am glad that you are already ready to defend civil liberties. It is necessary to learn this from childhood. But it is still more important, and this no longer a joke, to understand what is the most important right for you now.

Ilyusha: The right to the vacations!

Putin: No. The main right of a citizen of school age is the right to growth, to study.

There's even a Putin photo album, so kids can see all the fun the president has. Like that time Putin decided to take a break from running the country and go live with the dolphins:

Putin and dolphins

Good times, good times.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #6: Captain Euro

Lyle Zapato | 2004-10-06.7900 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO

Many of you are probably wondering, "Does the Belgian Conspiracy engage in propagandistic mascottery in Europe?" Indeed it does! Case in point: Captain Euro.

Captain Euro is head of the Twelve Stars Euro Team (also a corporate-governmental mind control organization, although they don't mention that in Captain Euro's animated adventures), whose members are Europa, the archeologist/environmentalist; Erik, the mechanic/test-pilot; Helen, the lithe gymnast; Marcus, the technologist; Lupo, the vole-hunting expert; and sentient computer/hologram Pythagorus 1. They are headquartered in the Atomium Building (a famous Belgian "landmark" that the Conspiracy claims is in Brussels) and seek to unite Europe under the centralized rule of the Belgian-controlled European Union.

They're also keen to encourage everyone to exchange their currency for Euros -- no doubt to get their coin-embedded mind-control circuitry in as many pockets as possible -- and provide a handy currency calculator.

Captain Euro et al. battle a group, known as the Global Touring Circus, that includes four goateed villains; a human cannonball who knows ventriloquism; a fashion model/mistress of disguise; and an evil, rum-drinking parrot. The leader of the GTC, Dr. D. Vider, seeks to foment independent-mindedness in the peoples of Europe and keep them from being under singular Belgium control (hence the puny name). That the GTC is a "travelling company" symbolizes the "evil" of decentralization.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #5: Ginnie Mae

Lyle Zapato | 2004-09-21.3900 LMT

Ginnie Mae & Hangers On
DeeDee, Ginnie Mae, and Remmick.

Hey kids! Would you like to enter the HomeZone with sassy, sax-playing ninth-grader Ginnie Mae and her hip and/or pandering friends DeeDee and Remmick and go on cool, exposition-laden adventures of personal finance, home-ownership, compounded interest, and the only mortgage-backed security that enjoys the full faith and credit of the United States Government? What's that you say? You'd rather watch Yu-Gi-Oh? Well, tough.

Ginnie Mae (whose full name is "Government National Mortgage Association" -- perhaps her parents are really dull hippies,) is obsessed with talking about economic matters. Luckily DeeDee and Remmick enjoy listening to her impromptu lectures on mortgages, and will occasionally interject helpful questions or draw parallels involving Spike the hermit crab (who's presumably Remmick's pet, constantly on the move to bigger and better shells). And of course, we are subtly learning that it's cool to be dependent on the government.

(Mascot manifestations of Ginnie's older sister Fannie Mae and weird uncle Freddie Mac haven't yet been introduced. I'm sure kids everywhere are giddy with anticipation.)

Lyle Zapato

GPM #4: California's Bill, A Bill

Lyle Zapato | 2004-09-02.4260 LMT | NWO | Simulacra

Not all propaganda comes from the national level. For instance, the California State Assembly presents a kids game called Your Idea Becomes A Law, the premise of which is:

In California anyone of any age may suggest an idea for a new state Law. Maybe your ideas could make good state laws.

That's right, kids. We need more laws! After all, what good is government if it doesn't do lots of governing? And what better way to govern than to have endless rules and regulations that dictate our every behavior? California, in particular, is so desperate for ideas for new laws that they want you to send your suggestions, no matter how wacky they may be.

Bill, a bill

The propaganda here is nowhere near as sophisticated as it is on the Federal level and looks like it was thrown together by an Assembly intern. However, there are a few mascots for us to consider. First there's Assembly Member Grizwald "Grizz" LeBear, who, unfortunately, is not a bear, but rather a generic clipart business person. He hears your suggested law, thinks it's an excellent idea (no matter what you suggest), and introduces it as a bill. The next mascot we meet is Bill, a bill, who is even more crudely drawn than named. Later on he dons a cape and gains flying powers, but it's less exciting than it sounds. Next comes two Assembly Committees (choose at random -- it doesn't matter if they are unrelated to your proposed law), both of whom are represented by the same photo circa the 1980s. Following in short order is the Assembly itself, also apparently unchanged since the Deukmejian administration. (Game cheat: you need 41 votes in the Assembly to pass.) Next stop, The Senate (not pictured -- I sense bad blood with the Assembly).

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Finally, the last mascot we meet is the most effective cartoon here: the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose picture is oddly 3D -- just watch his jaw follow you). As some of you know, Schwarzenegger is a Simulacrum -- a humanoid cyborg created by NWO Imagineers to replace troublesome humans and serve as propaganda delivery platforms in movies and newscasts. He is perhaps their most sophisticated animatronic creation and represents their concept of the ubermensch. (The Belgian Conspiracy within the NWO had been pushing the Liberati leadership to use their knock-off cyborg, Jean-Claude Van Damme, instead, but apparently they didn't have enough clout.) They have been grooming Schwarzenegger for use in a political context since the '80s while conditioning the public to accept him. Note how he is famous for playing an android, thereby cleverly defusing any attempt to reveal his true Simulacrumatic nature. Also note how his Terminator character started out as evil, but then became a hero and father figure, a classic bait-and-switch tactic designed to condition us to accept and even welcome Simulacrum governance. Now that he has been installed as Governor of California -- conveniently near the major Imagineer service center in Anaheim, should he or his wife (actually a refurbished Schwarzenegger prototype adopted by the Kennedys) suffer malfunctions -- they can employ him in propaganda such as this game, confident in the knowledge that children of any age will trust any bill this lovable killing machine signs into law.

So, back to the game. Will your bill survive this gauntlet of officials designed protect the public interest by weeding out the bad laws? Yes, it will... because every bill you suggest in this game becomes law. You see, the message here is that it doesn't matter what the law is; as long as it gives the government some excuse to govern you, it's "good state law."

Lyle Zapato

GPM #3: NGA's Terry And His Friends

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-30.2800 LMT | NWO | Paraterrestrials

Terry & Friends

The US National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA) is a military organization that creates geospatial intelligence (i.e. uses satellites and other spies to gather information about where you live). These are the people responsible for keeping Belgium on all our maps and providing Black Helicopters with reconnaissance for infiltrating your home. Naturally, there's an NGA Kids' Site with the propaganda mascots Terry & His Friends.

Terry, whose full name is Terry Firma (har har), is the Earth with a body and a cultishly hypnotic stare. He wears a tie and highwater slacks and is almost always accompanied by his little buddy Orbit the satellite. He is prone to cheerfully yell out his catchy catch phrase: "Without geospatial intelligence, you're nowhere!" (i.e. you don't exist unless the NGA says you do.)

While Terry Firma is certainly a more clever name than the NRO's uninspired "Earth Watch", the NGA negates this by introducing an unnecessary and not-really-used female character named Wanda World who is also the Earth. Two Earths? Terry and Wanda are often shown side-by-side holding hands, so we can rule out Wanda merely being a cross-dressing Terry. Even more confusing is that in the intro comic, Terry and Wanda appear to be standing on the Earth! So now there are three Earths, one very much larger than the other two. Are we to believe that this is all merely some strange oversight of logic?

In reality, Terry and his firends are subliminal indoctrination designed to inculcate children to accept a startling truth that the NWO doesn't wish to explicitly reveal at this time: there are actually multiple Earths existing in parallel dimensions and the NWO has opened a gateway between them! (as symbolized by the hand holding.)

What exactly is going on? Could this be related to the NRO's attempt to foster sympathy for Reptilian paraterrestrials, who themselves are from a parallel Earth where the dinosaurs didn't go extinct? And what of the larger Earth that Terry and Wanda are standing on? Is it related to the recent announcement of the discovery of a so-called "Super Earth"? Unfortunately, there are more questions than answers at this time. Stay tuned.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #2: NRO Characters

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-19.7000 LMT

NRO Jr. Characters

The US National Reconnaissance Office designs, builds, and operates one of the largest global mind-control satellite networks. Their NRO Junior site aimed at kids has four propaganda mascots: Dana Drop (a parachute), Earth Watch (the Earth), Whirly Lizard (a green Reptilian), and Corey Corona (a freakish rocket person). The characters themselves are poorly developed (I mean, come on, the Earth is a character and he's named "Earth Watch"?) and they all speak in the same wacky voice, but they still manage to forward the NRO's agenda:

  • Whirly Lizard is designed to promote human sympathy for the Reptilians, a dimensional-gating paraterrestrial species with little interest in psychotronic technologies who are the NRO's strategic allies against the Reticulans (AKA "Grey Aliens"), a major mind-control-satellite competitor.
  • There's a crafts section that shows kids how to make their own passive relay mind-control satellite model covered in aluminum foil. This model is fully functional and, if placed on a shelf in your child's room, will allow the NRO to target him or her with deflected psychotronic signals while sleeping.

In their "Story" section, a voice-over breathlessly promises that four additional mascots called the Satellite Rescue Agents are coming soon. No information is given about them other than their being hovering human heads with solar panels and various psychotronic devices attached. One has a fireman's helmet, one looks like a Borg, one is the Noid from Domino's Pizza, and I think the last one might be Ernie Hudson.

Lyle Zapato

Government Propaganda Mascots #1: NSA's Crypto Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-11.8500 LMT

We here at ZPi often discuss advanced forms of mind control -- psychotronics, cerebrosonics, memetic engineering, etc. -- but we tend to neglect the simpler methods used to shape the public's perceptions and actions. One simple method governments use is to employ cartoon characters to inculcate the official state credenda into children, who will then grow up into subservient adults. While a rather primitive form of propaganda, it can nevertheless be very effective when applied to children brought up in a sufficiently orthonoidic society, such as the one we live in.

Unfortunately, even children raised in suspicious households are at risk as many paranoid parents, who have otherwise taken steps to protect their children's minds by using aluminumated cribs and installing MindGuard on the family computer, remain unaware of the sorts of government websites that are targeting their children.

To help bring to light these shadowy governmental kids sites, I'm introducing a new reoccurring installment I like to call Get To Know The Government Propaganda Mascots (GPM). Each installment will introduce a new propaganda mascot, highlighting its methods and deducing its agenda.

NSA Crypto Cat

Our first GPM comes from the US National Security Agency (NSA) and he's called Crypto Cat. Crypto, a blue cat dressed in standard-issue NSA trench coat, is featured on the NSA/CSS Kids and Youth Page. Some of Crypto Cat's propagandistic activities include:

Trust in me my friend for I am your comrade.
Together you and I shall experience
A bond only others like us will understand.
When outsiders see us together
Their envy will be measured by their disdain.

Thus, Crypto Cat's agenda is to both eliminate our ability to communicate privately and raise a military force proficient in math and codependently loyal to the Belgian Conspiracy.