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Kofi Annan

UN Food Force

Kofi Annan | 2005-06-05.0110 LMT | Entertainment

Teh Food Force!!!

Yo, Kofi here! My dawgs at the UN came up with this kickass game called WFP Food Force! GO FOOD FORCE!!! It's like totally educational and sooo much better than that American Army game!

I pwnd those starvin Sheylaneseian fugees! Eat UN energy pacs!!! And local rebel forces got nothin on my mad 'gotiatin skillz! loooool!!!

My player name is kofi_hotness38... see if u can beat my score! (It's not much, but I gots the UN to run and I can only play for a couple hours a day... but this summer I'm gonna totally take first place away from password300 of China! W00T!!!)

Lyle Zapato

Psychotropically Enhanced Beer

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-30.0710 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia

A reader asks:

Dear Lyle,

A member of our county School Board has asked me what psychotropically enhanced beer is. What should I tell him?


[Name withheld]

Psychotropically enhanced beer is beer that has been enhanced, either during the fermentation process or later, with chemical substances that affect the perceptions of the drinker, making him or her more susceptible to various types of mind control.

The Belgian Conspiracy is well known to use psychotropically enhanced beer to make those targeted for Belgification more readily shanghaiable by causing them to perceive Belgians as family and Belgium as home. The Conspiracy's promotion of the aptly named Trappist beer is one of the primary ways they gain fresh bodies to put in Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland.

Athleticists have also been known to employ psychotropic enhancement, both in sports drinks and beer served at games, the latter to make fans more rabidly loyal to "their" team and loosen their minds to the psychotronic signals that are deflected off of aluminum baseball bats into the stands.

More disturbingly on an existential level, beer has been psychotropically enhanced since its very discovery. Barley, historically the primary ingredient of beer, evolved the ability to use a symbiotic relationship with various fungus species of the genus Claviceps to psychotropically weaken the minds of humans who consumed it to the subtle psychotronic abilities inherent in the grass family, giving the plants control over the humans.

In fact, it is widely believed among paranoid historians that Humanity owes its advanced societal development to this grassy manipulation of early humans, first through bread then later beer and other drinks such as kykeon -- manipulation that has culminated in a slave species that tends to the grasses' needs and whims, freeing the grasses to finally attain sentiency and communicate with paraterrestrials via a complex language of circles. (One dark theory maintains that the grasses are actually the ones ultimately pulling all the strings of the NWO, as evidenced by the symbolic circling of the world by two stylized ears of wheat on the UN logo. However, this is controversial.)

I hope this answers your questions about psychotropically enhanced beer.

Lyle Zapato

Now In Aussie Supermarkets...

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-27.4200 LMT

Vegemite Toast Crunch

Vegemite Toast Crunch: an abomination or pure genius? You be the judge.

NWO Agent 5573-XQ

Food Pyramid Scheme

NWO Agent 5573-XQ | 2005-04-19.7700 LMT | NWO | General Paranoia

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Begins:]


Phase I of Operation Food Guide Pyramid is complete. Citizenry now accepting of dietary advice from pyramid, associating pyramid with positive food imagery.

Phase II is now initiated. Citizenry will be made to feel sense of belonging with pyramid concomitant with desire to voluntarily ascend pyramid steps into swirling multi-colored lights.

We predict Phase II will require no more than 6 years, allowing completion of Operation in 2012 with Phase III, wherein plumpest third of citizenry will be transported to Yucatan Peninsula and sent up pyramid to board waiting starship. This food payment to periodical Quetzalcoatlus armada will avert global paraterrestrial invasion, allowing NWO agendas to continue uninterrupted.

Refer to included link for procedural modalities and indoctrinational materials.

Link: http://www.mypyramid.gov/

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Ends.]

Lyle Zapato

Cake Decorating Of Yesteryear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-20.1800 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

Figure 1: The seductive appeal of scalloping.

From Magic for Your Table... Cake & Food Decorating By Wilton, published in 1971. It's sort of a combination cake decorating HOWTO and product catalog from Wilton Enterprises, Inc. (now Wilton Industries). Could there be retro-wackiness inside?


Lyle Zapato

Martian Enjoyment Tip

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-07.2700 LMT | Random Found Thing

Wisdom found on the back of an "M-Azing" bar...

Enjoyment Tip: Do not use if inner foil is broken or torn.

Tampering, whether of chocolate or brains, can really diminish one's enjoyment. Always check the foil before using either.

Lyle Zapato

A Simpler Time When Marketers Drank Absinthe

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-07.4000 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

Fruit crate label: Clown Brand, Sparr Fruit Co., California
"Hey kids! Eat your fruits and vegetables
or I'll bite your little heads off!"