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Lyle Zapato

Brussels Sprout Soda

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-10.1900 LMT | Mind Control | Belgian Conspiracy
Brussels Sprout Soda bottle

Betrayal!

Popular Cascadian soda manufacturer, Jones Soda Co., last year issued special holiday packs of sodas flavored after traditional holiday foods, such as Turkey & Gravy Soda. You no doubt saw this in the news. This year they are doing it again, only with more and different flavors. But I was shocked to see what was included in their 2005 National Holiday Pack...

Brussels Sprout Soda!

That's right: the Belgian Conspiracy has gotten to Jones! Besides the subtle conditioning that traditional holidays aren't complete without Belgium, thus furthering their insinuation into all levels of society, this soda is very likely chemically designed to help with the Belgification process, much like the Conspiracy has done with beer -- only now the drinks are aimed at the whole family.

But why families? Could it be that they have finally found a way to overcome the maddening effects of the Brussels Beast brain-interface that has left so many of their "citizens" gibbering vegetables (the origin of the term "Brussels sprouts"), requiring them to continuously replenish their citizen supply through kidnappings and brainwashings, and are now trying to ensnare whole families in order to establish breeding colonies to create second-generation "Belgians" who haven't any pre-Belgification memories to interfere with their programming? Undoubtedly, yes.

According to the Nutrition Facts (which were created by the pyramid-scheming FDA, so can't really be trusted), it's mostly carbonated water and salt (1 bottle = 12% of your RDA of sodium). However, it's safe to say that other unlisted psychoactive ingredients were added to cause drinkers to become pliant to the Belgian Conspiracy's will. One suspicious listed ingredient in the calorie-free drink is sucralose (aka Splenda), which is manufactured synthetically in NWO-controlled plants in Singapore and Alabama.

The Belgian agents who got to Jones have been plotting this since at least last year. The previous holiday sodas were in calculatedly short supply which, combined with lots of media hype, caused a large unmet demand. This year the packs, now with the Brussels Sprout Soda added, are widely available across North America at Target stores, making it likely that many will be sold to unsuspecting families who were primed for purchase last year. A devious ploy!

The public must be warned! Get to your local Target store and make sure all shoppers know: the green soda will TURN PEOPLE BELGIAN!

The Typing Octopus

Happy Scalloween

The Typing Octopus | 2005-10-31.5900 LMT | Nature
Lyle Zapato

The New Harvest Begins

Lyle Zapato | 2005-07-10.1530 LMT | Technology

"Paper Says Edible Meat Can be Grown in a Lab on Industrial Scale"

The above article is about a research paper discussing the possibility of "cultured meat" as a solution to various problems with the current meat production paradigm. One of the paper's authors has started an organization called New Harvest:

New Harvest is a nonprofit research organization working to develop new meat substitutes, including cultured meat -- meat produced in vitro, in a cell culture, rather than from an animal.

Wide-scale production and sale of cultured meat products through stores is an interesting proposition, if mildly disturbing to some, but the greater potential for creepiness lies in home meat makers, which the article says the paper suggests "may one day sit next to bread makers on the kitchen counter." Presumably these would work by placing a tissue sample and raw nutrients in the machine, turning a knob to "culture", and waiting while the ready-to-grill patties grow. Consumers would probably purchase tissue-nutrient cartridges at the grocery store, but, apart from the possibility of DRM (DNA Rights Management) technology, there would be nothing stopping users from simply saving some of the uneaten meat to be recultured or using alternate sources of tissue.

And what sort of alternate sources will people use? At first they'll try getting samples from unusual or endangered animals. After all, who wouldn't want to try delicacies like California condor nuggets or porpoiseburgers? But getting those samples might prove expensive or legally questionable and home meatgrowers will quickly try other more ready sources, most obviously family pets. (There will be economic incentives to try this: why buy expensive pet food when you can feed Fluffy on himself?)

Eventually though -- and probably sooner than later (and probably as soon as meat makers are available [and certainly since I am about to express the idea as soon as this nested digression ends]) -- someone will hit on the idea of harvesting a tissue sample from themself, just to see what human meat taste like. (The New Harvest site seems to be subliminally promoting this idea, as one of their header images features a woman gnawing on her own hand.)

The moral and ethical questions raised will be murky. Traditionally, those who oppose cannibalism could justify their position on the solid ground that human meat would always be the result of either murder or some sort of desecration of someone's remains. However, those arguments either don't apply to selfcultured meat or the application would be tortuous and unconvincing to many. Libertarian pro-cannibalists will argue for the individuals' right to eat themselves while various health gurus will tout the nutritious value of selfmeat, which contains all that your body needs since it's made of the same stuff. This sort of cannibalism will become, if not generally accepted, then at least tolerated, with prohibition seen as unenforceable.

It's not much of a leap from self-cannibalism to offering your meat to dinner guests, and once people acquire a taste for other people, this can only lead to one thing: celebrity cannibalism.

C-level celebrities, unable to make any money in the crowded reality TV market, will turn to peddling their own flesh to pop-culture-obsessed gourmands. I think it's safe to augur that Kenny Rogers Roasters will start serving actual roasted Kenny Rogers and that an all-in-one George Foreman Grill/Meat Maker will let you grill up some George Foreman.

This turn of events will darken as unauthorized celebrity tissue samples find their way into the meat market. Big-name celebrities will be targeted, with stalkers and opportunists trying to steal medical biopsies from doctors or even samples directly from the source. In this black market of celebflesh, counterfeiters will flourish, leaving many celebrities torn between feeling violated by meat pirates and offended by being falsely portrayed as too stringy.

In time, these celebrities may find it wise to give into fan demands by offering up their officially licensed flesh as a gourmet alternative -- think "Newman's Own Meat". Increased pressure to perform gastronomically will lead to scandal over the common usage of "meat-synching" by celebrities of subpar flavor. There may even emerge a new kind of celebrity who's known only for how good he or she tastes, resulting in a generation of kids whose highest ambition in life is to be considered delicious.

Finally, the ultimate form of celebrity cannibalism may come from the Catholic Church. Using DNA lifted from the Shroud of Turin combined with cells from a donor, the blood and flesh of Christ may once and for all be substantiated without the need for wine and cracker intermediaries.

Update 2009-03-14: And it begins with George Clooney flavored tofu...

Kofi Annan

UN Food Force

Kofi Annan | 2005-06-05.0110 LMT | Entertainment

Teh Food Force!!!

Yo, Kofi here! My dawgs at the UN came up with this kickass game called WFP Food Force! GO FOOD FORCE!!! It's like totally educational and sooo much better than that American Army game!

I pwnd those starvin Sheylaneseian fugees! Eat UN energy pacs!!! And local rebel forces got nothin on my mad 'gotiatin skillz! loooool!!!

My player name is kofi_hotness38... see if u can beat my score! (It's not much, but I gots the UN to run and I can only play for a couple hours a day... but this summer I'm gonna totally take first place away from password300 of China! W00T!!!)

Lyle Zapato

Psychotropically Enhanced Beer

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-30.0710 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia

A reader asks:

Dear Lyle,

A member of our county School Board has asked me what psychotropically enhanced beer is. What should I tell him?

Thanks,

[Name withheld]

Psychotropically enhanced beer is beer that has been enhanced, either during the fermentation process or later, with chemical substances that affect the perceptions of the drinker, making him or her more susceptible to various types of mind control.

The Belgian Conspiracy is well known to use psychotropically enhanced beer to make those targeted for Belgification more readily shanghaiable by causing them to perceive Belgians as family and Belgium as home. The Conspiracy's promotion of the aptly named Trappist beer is one of the primary ways they gain fresh bodies to put in Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland.

Athleticists have also been known to employ psychotropic enhancement, both in sports drinks and beer served at games, the latter to make fans more rabidly loyal to "their" team and loosen their minds to the psychotronic signals that are deflected off of aluminum baseball bats into the stands.

More disturbingly on an existential level, beer has been psychotropically enhanced since its very discovery. Barley, historically the primary ingredient of beer, evolved the ability to use a symbiotic relationship with various fungus species of the genus Claviceps to psychotropically weaken the minds of humans who consumed it to the subtle psychotronic abilities inherent in the grass family, giving the plants control over the humans.

In fact, it is widely believed among paranoid historians that Humanity owes its advanced societal development to this grassy manipulation of early humans, first through bread then later beer and other drinks such as kykeon -- manipulation that has culminated in a slave species that tends to the grasses' needs and whims, freeing the grasses to finally attain sentiency and communicate with paraterrestrials via a complex language of circles. (One dark theory maintains that the grasses are actually the ones ultimately pulling all the strings of the NWO, as evidenced by the symbolic circling of the world by two stylized ears of wheat on the UN logo. However, this is controversial.)

I hope this answers your questions about psychotropically enhanced beer.

Lyle Zapato

Now In Aussie Supermarkets...

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-27.4200 LMT

Vegemite Toast Crunch

Vegemite Toast Crunch: an abomination or pure genius? You be the judge.

NWO Agent 5573-XQ

Food Pyramid Scheme

NWO Agent 5573-XQ | 2005-04-19.7700 LMT | NWO | General Paranoia

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Begins:]

TO ALL NWO AGENTS, FOOD SERVICES DIVISION:

Phase I of Operation Food Guide Pyramid is complete. Citizenry now accepting of dietary advice from pyramid, associating pyramid with positive food imagery.

Phase II is now initiated. Citizenry will be made to feel sense of belonging with pyramid concomitant with desire to voluntarily ascend pyramid steps into swirling multi-colored lights.

We predict Phase II will require no more than 6 years, allowing completion of Operation in 2012 with Phase III, wherein plumpest third of citizenry will be transported to Yucatan Peninsula and sent up pyramid to board waiting starship. This food payment to periodical Quetzalcoatlus armada will avert global paraterrestrial invasion, allowing NWO agendas to continue uninterrupted.

Refer to included link for procedural modalities and indoctrinational materials.

Link: http://www.mypyramid.gov/

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Ends.]

Lyle Zapato

Cake Decorating Of Yesteryear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-20.1800 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro


Figure 1: The seductive appeal of scalloping.

From Magic for Your Table... Cake & Food Decorating By Wilton, published in 1971. It's sort of a combination cake decorating HOWTO and product catalog from Wilton Enterprises, Inc. (now Wilton Industries). Could there be retro-wackiness inside?

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Martian Enjoyment Tip

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-07.2700 LMT | Random Found Thing

Wisdom found on the back of an "M-Azing" bar...

Enjoyment Tip: Do not use if inner foil is broken or torn.

Tampering, whether of chocolate or brains, can really diminish one's enjoyment. Always check the foil before using either.

Lyle Zapato

A Simpler Time When Marketers Drank Absinthe

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-07.4000 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

Fruit crate label: Clown Brand, Sparr Fruit Co., California
"Hey kids! Eat your fruits and vegetables
or I'll bite your little heads off!"