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Lyle Zapato

Zaidi's Sabotoss

Lyle Zapato | 2008-12-17.3248 LMT | Politics | Anarchy | Art

J'Acshoes!

We here at ZPi approve of all shoe-based protest. Clog the machine!

Lyle Zapato

Michael Menkin Offers Aid To The Welsh

Lyle Zapato | 2008-07-20.5120 LMT | Paraterrestrials | Mind Control | Sasquatch Issues

My colleague frienemy in the fight against alien mind control, Michael Menkin -- the inventor of the thought screen helmet, a Velostat-based technology that blocks the non-psychotronic telepathic communication used by paraterrestrials from the Reticulum constellation -- has offered his help to beleaguered Wales, where UFO sightings have become commonplace. Menkin's thought screen helmets (instructions for which he offers for free on his site,) will prevent the Welsh from being abducted by the UFOs, a risk that is increasing daily:

Mr Menkin said given the level of UFO activity over Wales, people should make a thought screen. He said: "The people in Wales will benefit by making their own helmets.

"Everybody would be a lot safer if they had one in the house. There seems to have been more reports (of UFOs) lately in Wales and Scotland and the western half of the British Isles."

Unfortunately, it seems that Reticulan agents and/or mind-control victims have already infiltrated local ufological groups and are spreading FUD against thought screen technology:

But Margaret Fry, of the Welsh Fellowship of Ufologists, dismissed the thought screens as "ridiculous".

Mrs Fry, from Abergele, in North Wales, said: "I have seen UFOs, but I don't believe in crackpot ideas like this.

"It's ridiculous. People in the Welsh Federation have been investigating UFOs for 40 years and none of us subscribes to this nonsense."

Meanwhile, the local hominoid community has offered its support of Menkin's foreign aid work. "THE WELSH ARE MINE!!!" howled Brenin Llwyd, from Cader Idris, in North Wales. "IF SILLY HATS KEEP PUNY HAIRLESS GREY SKY-THIEVES AWAY, SILLY HATS THE WELSH SHALL HAVE!!!" Brenin Llwyd went on to announce that he will begin canvassing Snowdonia, handing out informative fliers explaining the UFO abduction risk, as well as the construction and use of thought screen helmets. He will also continue to abduct children for safe keeping until the Welsh can properly defend themselves.

Lyle Zapato

ThreadBanger Explains The AFDB

Lyle Zapato | 2007-05-18.4520 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control

This week's Thread Head podcast from DIY fashionista network ThreadBanger tackles hats -- in particular, the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Watch these AFDB build instructions especially designed for those Web 2.0 types who only accept information presented in video format:

EMBEDDED VIDEO REMOVED SINCE IT NOW AUTO-PLAYS COMMERCIALS
Watch it on their site instead...

Note: their AFDB build substitutes the tape matrix from steps 6 & 7 of the canonical build instructions with a regular hat acting as both beanie stabilizer and camouflage. This is certainly acceptable, especially if you are going to camouflage the beanie anyway, but care must be taken that the beanie is securely ensquished inside the hat and that the hat fits snuggly on the head so that it is unlikely to blow off or else you run the risk of Catastrophic Beanie Failure.

Also, if you are hosting a DIY show on making AFDBs and a Paraterrestrial Agent of Mind Control is patroling in the area, do not remove your aluminum fortified hat to point out the innards to the camera! That's just reckless hostery.

Lyle Zapato

Nixon Memorabilia

Lyle Zapato | 2006-02-13.9350 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Crass Commercialism

The Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace website doesn't have any proper GPMs (perhaps they'd like my moribund one?), however it does have a gift shop with a kids section.

Most of the Nixon memorabilia there are cute and harmless, such as the Presidential Yo-Yo (trivia: in 1974 Nixon was the opening yo-yo act at The Grand Ole Opry; that signed yo-yo later sold for a record $16,029), Future Commander In Chief Bib, or the Air Force One Playset ("Tax policy might not excite the kids, but this 30-piece die cast metal Presidential transportation set will.")

Some seem to have been chosen for their dark humor potential:

Ultimate Spy Kit

Turn your room into a spy headquarters, and keep it safe from enemy agents. Inside the spy case you'll find everything you need to detect intruders, listen in on secret spy meetings, and pass on classified information.

Assemble the components to make a range of super-sleuth gadgets, including a movement detector, a pressure pad, and an intruder alarm. The kit also includes a ready-made listening device, an invisible-ink spy pen, and a spy training manual with instructions for carrying out the ultimate in top-secret missions.

(What? No Lil' Plumber Playset?)

And then there's the book Richard M. Nixon and his Family Paper Dolls by Tom Tierney:

Richard and Pat Nixon paper dolls, by Tom Tierney
White House Christmas party, 1972

(If kickin' around with Tricky Dick in his skivvies isn't your cup of tea, Tom Tierney also has paper dolls of other presidents and their families, including Reagan (w/Bonzo) and the Bushes. Heads up for you political snark miners on the last one: be sure to Look Inside!™ for a young George and Laura modeling vacation wear.)

The Library shop also has an entire section dedicated to The Day Nixon Met Elvis. Now you can get the famous picture of Nixon and Elvis shaking hands ("the most requested image in the history of the U.S. Government") on a mousepad, note cube, or float pen.

True Nixonalia aficionados will want a bird house in the shape of Nixon's boyhood home. Or if you have always longed to live out your Nixon role playing fantasies, why not get a reproduction of the presidential desk for a mere six grand? (No word if it comes wired for microphones.)

Lastly: Looking for AFDB camouflage? Try this stylish Nixon Beanie with the classic Nixon oval surf logo. No one will suspect your paranoia when infiltrating GOP conventions in that (DNC infiltrators, go here.)

Lyle Zapato

GPM #18: Bobby Or Bobbida?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-02-13.0660 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

Hot on the high heels of Crypto Cat comes some more GPM gender bending, this time from, who else, the FBI.

On the FBI kids' page there's a game called Special Agent Undercover. It features young Bobby Bureau, the quintessential FBI Special Agent:

Bobby

Bobby needs your help to get into disguise for his undercover assignment. He's depending on you to drag the disguise elements onto his head and make him look like different people...

People... all going somewhere. All with their own thoughts, their own ideas. All with their own personalities. One is wrong because he does right... one is right because he does wrong. Pull the strings! Dance to that, which one is created for...

... Anyway, here's one of Bobby's favorite undercover disguises:

Bobbida

Purely work related, of course. All in the line of duty. Bobby wouldn't be caught dead off the job like this, especially without his pink angora sweater.

Also on the site, Darrel the FBI working dog (an uninspiring GPM, so no number) has an Internet Safety Tip for you:

Remember that people online may not be who they say they are. Someone who says that "she" is a "12-year-old girl" could really be an older man.

Or maybe even an FBI Special Agent.

Finally, as long as we're giving out safety tips, here's some wise words from Bela Lugosi:

Beware... Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys... puppy dog tails, and big fat snails. Beware, take care... Beware!
Lyle Zapato

Super Gnathal Fun Deflection!

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-28.7540 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Random Found Thing

Japanese paranoids now have a product to deflect basal psychotronics:

The above device is called アルミニ重あごシェイプ, which Babel Fish helpfully translates as "Aluminum it is heavy gnathal Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers, europe". Those wacky Japanese with their wacky names!

In Western terms, it's a self-adhesive aluminum gnathic shield designed to protect the underside of the forebrain from psychotronic rays coming from nefarious downstairs neighbors (apparently a pesky problem in highrise-riddled Japan), boreshipmen, talpidytes, and other assorted underground forces of mind control.

Its maker, Akaishi -- who markets it via third parties as a "face care" product to get around Japanese anti-mind-control-device trade laws -- also offers a version that shields most of the face, less creatively called アルミ顔やせマスク ("aluminum face and something mask"):

For full facial deflection effect, the mask should be used with corundum-lensed goggles and an aluminum respirator. Of course, both devices are pointlessly incomplete without an AFDB.

While we here at ZPi do not condone the use of prêt-à-porter aluminum shielding devices as they may contain hidden psychotronic circuitry, we do approve of cute, paranoid Japanese models in little black dresses, so we'll overlook the mental security flaws this time.

(Found via Tokyo Damage Report, which has pics of the packaging for these and other amusing-yet-less-topical products.)

Lyle Zapato

Seeking A Good Source Of Different Types Of Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-01.2820 LMT | Letters | Crass Commercialism

Yesterday I received another business inquiry regarding hats:

Subject: Seeking a good source of different types of hats.. please read (September 30, 2005)

Hello,

Some of my clients are searching online for a reputable source of different types of hats. My job is to find one place to send them to for specific markets. I'd like to discuss an arrangement with you about this.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I will be in today (Friday) from 8:00 AM PST to 5:00 PM PST. You'll need to be at your computer when you call me. Please call when you have a few minutes and I will a) demonstrate how you would benefit from what we do and b) answer any and all questions you have.

Best Regards,

Liz Monteroso
Business Segment Analyst, Star Position

Phone (US): [REDACTED!] extension [REDACTED!]
Outside US: [REDACTED!]

PS: I am not referring to a leads-based system. It is my job to send my clients looking from the search engines to one place at the exact moment they are looking. We have over 17,400,000 people on our network, and growing.

To which I replied:

Hi,

Zapato Productions intradimensional (ZPi) does not sell hats nor direct traffic to people who do, although I can understand your confusion since we come in 5th on a Google search for "hat".

What we do do is offer instructions for people to make a certain type of hat called an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB). This hat, as the name implies, is made of aluminum foil and is able to deflect psychotronic mind control of the sort employed by the New World Order, the NWO's various subsidiaries, marketing firms, lone evil geniuses, and paraterrestrial entities, thus keeping the wearer's thoughts secure. It's like Macrovision for one's head.

Again, we do not sell these hats. In fact, we discourage people from buying them as a matter of mental security. Purchased AFDBs may contain psychotronic circuitry that allows the seller a backdoor into the penetralia of the buyer's mind.

While that ability may seem beneficial to you as an Agent of Marketing, I hope you can understand why this would be undesirable from the point of view of paranoids and others concerned about mental property (MP) rights management. Mental piracy is an increasing concern, as technological advances have made it easier for people such as yourself to steal the mental works of innocent thinkers.

We at ZPi are strongly opposed to this, and would be working towards the introduction of legislation aimed at stopping such practices if it weren't for the government being deeply involved in them. Instead, we offer paranoids technological solutions to take MP protection into their own hands with, among other things, hats.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
CEO, Zapato Productions intradimensional

(As astute readers will have noticed, the AFDB page has moved down one whole spot on the Google hat search since the previous inquiry in May. Such is the unfortunate realities of the cut-throat hat search game.)

The Business Segment Analysts at Star Position are very busy seeking reputable sources of various things, including Harley-Davidson motorcycles, fencing materials, health and beauty products, information on skateboarding, and gay fetish websites. Who knew there were so many diverse business segments?

According to Star Position's website (the address of which I'll let you figure out), they are a so-called Search Engine Optimization (SEO) company that sells Keywords (Patent Pending). Keywords are what the domain name system would have been like if was designed by unctuous middlemen instead of bearded anarchists -- less URI and more ROI.

A Keyword is a word that one can type into one's browser address bar and be taken directly to the site of whoever licensed that word -- assuming that one first downloaded and installed a "browser upgrade" from some shifty marketing firm. Why wouldn't anyone want to do that? According to their FAK (Facts About Keywords):

Q: How many individuals have upgraded their browsers to accept keywords?

A: Millions. Everyday hundreds of thousands of people upgrade to a keyword browser globally. Keywords are quickly becoming the Internet standard for direct access to web addresses.

What's that you say? You are using one of those old fashioned, non-standard browsers that doesn't let you go directly to www.hotferretlovin.com when you type "ferret" in your address bar? How can you live in such a state of barbarity?

Keywords were created to make it quicker for potential customers to get to your site. Instead of searching on Google or typing all sorts of tedious technogobbledygook like http:// or www or .com, your potential customers only have to type one word.

But what if the word is too long or difficult to spell? Do you really expect customers to spend all their precious time typing or looking up the word in a dictionary? In the time it takes them to do that, your competitors could swoop in and steal your sales! Fortunately, we at ZPi have a solution:

ZPi Keyword Keywords (Patent Pending)!

Keyword Keywords let potential customers go directly to your Keyword, and thus your site, without all that excess typing or spell checking!

Let's say you have licensed the Keyword "unctuous" for direct access to your online snake oil store. Instead of having to type out the whole, oddly spelled word, your potential customers would only have to type the Keyword Keyword "unc". When they hit enter, their browsers -- which have been upgraded with ZPi Keyword Keyword technology (Patent Pending) -- look up "unc" on our Keyword Keyword Server, find that it has been licensed to link to the Keyword "unctuous", then enter that Keyword, thus taking them directly to your site. It's just that simple!

But hurry! There are an even more limited number of Keyword Keywords than Keywords. If you don't license your ZPi Keyword Keyword today, your potential snake oil customers might end up being directed to a mohel or gay fetish website instead!

UPDATE: See follow-up post where I am accused of cyberterrorism by Liz's boss.

Lyle Zapato

Lihua Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-14.3600 LMT | Letters | Belgian Conspiracy

We at ZPi receive many business inquires a week. Here is the most recent:

Dear Sir :

I feel honoured to know you and your company from internet , although I am not sure whether you have already a customer of our company , at least I tride my best .

If you are a customer of our company ,I hope you can cooperate well with our company .But if not ,I \\\\\'d like to introduce our company ---LIHUA hat manufactory , the biggest wool felt hat enterprise .We have almost 20 years \\\\\' experience in making wool felt hats and hat bodies , especially we are the only one firm who make rabbit fur hats in China. Meanwhile we can produce six million of hats and hat bodies per year , and also we can supply the goods accoring to your samples .

I know your products are competitive on the market ,because of the high quality and famous brand . Opposite , if we can cooperate wittth each other , I am sure we can get you a great deal , and benefit a lot . There are a lot of human resources in China , so we can provide the goods at the lowest price .

For further information ,please overlook our website : www.lihuahats.com

Looking forward to hearing you early reply

Give my best wishes

Yours truely

kathy

To which I replied:

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your inquiry. Your best effort was not entirely misplaced as we are not already a customer with your company. Unfortunately, I'm afraid there has been some misunderstanding on your part.

While it is true that our ZPi brand Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is a very competitive anti-mind-control product in the paranoid headwear market, I'm afraid we have no need for the services of your hat manufactory -- which, judging by your website, appear excellent!

You see, we at ZPi encourage would-be AFDB-wearers to manufacture their own beanies by hand and strongly discourage AFDB purchase from third-party aluminumsmiths or milliners. This is done purely out of a concern for mental security, since prêt-à-porter beanies may have been compromised in the manufacturing process with mind-control circuitry.

I hope you understand that I am not accusing your company of engaging in that sort of nefarious skulduggery, but when people's minds are at stake it is important to exercise the utmost care to follow paranoid best practices. Trust no one. As you say, there are a lot of human resources in China, and you cannot be certain that none are in league with the New World Order and have infiltrated your company.

Speaking of which, I have read on your site that one of your subsidiaries, the Dingxing Lirui Fur Making Company, has entered into a business arrangement with the Luken Company from Belgium involving rabbit fur. I feel the need to warn you to be careful in your dealings with the so-called "Belgians". All is not as it appears with them.

Regardless of all this, I will still forward my visitors to your site, where they may find hats suitable for beanie camouflage or fancy dress parties inside their aluminum-lined bunkers.

Warmest regards,
Lyle

(Interesting factoid I just learned: the AFDB page is #4 on Google for "hat." I'm sure that has nothing to do with Kathy's letter.)

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: Porcupine Fish Helmet

The Philatelist | 2005-02-18.0250 LMT | Philately | Nature
Stamp

This edition of Stamp Nook takes us to the tropical Gilbert Islands of Micronesia, now known as Kiribati, where we encounter a curious artefact. Issued on December 6, 1976, the stamp (Scott #289) depicts a porcupine fish helmet (or te barantauti), a traditional Kiribati warrior's helmet made out of the inflated, dried carcase of a porcupinefish, a close relative of the pufferfish.

Porcupine fish helmet icon.(I should also point out that Mr Zapato has an icon of the porcupine fish helmet available in his Archæologicons set. Very useful for differentiating your want-list of Oceania topicals.)

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Beanied RaLouchites Take The U-Dub

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-23.9360 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | General Paranoia