ZPi | Defensive Techniques
ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
Lyle Zapato

Self-Defence With A Walking-Stick

Lyle Zapato | 2009-05-20.5540 LMT | Retro

Here is a selection of illustrated defensive techniques employing a walking-stick, taken from the article "Self-defence With A Walking-stick: The Different Methods of Defending Oneself with a Walking-stick or Umbrella when Attacked under Unequal Conditions" by E. W. Barton-Wright, published in the Jan., 1901 issue of Pearson's Magazine:

No. 1.—The Guard by Distance—How to Avoid any Risk of being Hit on the Fingers, Arm, or Body by Retiring out of the Hitting Range of your Adversary, but at the same time Keeping Him within the Hitting Range of your Own Stick.

No. 1.

Your opponent, encouraged by the apparently exposed position of your left arm, naturally strikes at it, but you, anticipating the attack, withdraw it very quickly, and swing it upwards behind you. This upward sweep of the arm automatically causes you to swing your left foot well behind your right, and to draw in the lower part of your body out of your opponent's reach: at the same time it imparts the initial momentum to your right arm, and assists in bringing your stick down very quickly and heavily upon your adversary's head before he has time to recover his balance after over-reaching himself in trying to hit you.

Read more...

The Typing Octopus

Human Enslave, Exploit Octopus!

The Typing Octopus | 2009-02-15.5870 LMT | Cephalopods

Typing Octopus look for moving image of tasty crustaceans on Hominoidnet kiosk: Typing Octopus find moving image from human territory named Japan.

Typing Octopus make disturbing discovery: Japan humans enslave octopus sisters: force octopus fight death-match with crustaceans for human amusement! Evidence:

Typing Octopus outraged! Typing Octopus demand end octopus blood-sport: demand release all octopus gladiators: call on gibbons denounce fellow primates if gibbons wish continue Tree Octopus/Gibbon Friendship!

Typing Octopus wonder: would human like if octopus put human in pen with angry cow: force human fight cow to death: octopus audience clack beaks, flash white spots in approval? Typing Octopus think: Human not like. Typing Octopus think: Human hypocritical!

Typing Octopus also learn on Hominoidnet kiosk: Seattle humans enslave octopus: force octopus copulation: human audience watch for perverted amusement! Typing Octopus disgusted: demand privacy: demand lights turned off!

Typing Octopus wonder: would human like if octopus force human copulation as octopus watch? Typing Octopus remember: hypothetical situation subject of human entertainment book: Typing Octopus now think perverted human would like.

Typing Octopus now like human even less.

Lyle Zapato

Jiu-Jitsu Lessons From Roosevelt's Instructor

Lyle Zapato | 2008-08-06.1890 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

Lesson A.

Lesson A.

This lesson shows how a weak person could stop an opponent who is about to clinch, by putting the first and index fingers to the eyes.* This method was used by the Japanese at Port Authur in the hand-to-hand battle with the Russians.

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

A Look Back: The Seattle Street Samurai's Defensive Stand

Lyle Zapato | 2008-04-14.4659 LMT | Cascadia | Anarchy
Seattle, April 3, 1997
Apollo (a.k.a Tony Allison) offers the service of his
samurai sword to Jupiter against Satan's demons.

11 years and 11 days ago, around 11:11 a.m., the city of Seattle was held at bay for 11 hours by a lone man armed with nothing but determination and a samurai sword. His name was Tony Allison, although on that day he preferred to be called Apollo.

The morning was proceeding like any other in late 20th century Seattle: the streets were alive with the practiced hustle and bustle of Frappuccino-swilling, nouveau riche dotcommers and tourists mesmerized by the simple antics of fishmongers as the last dying strains of grunge wafted through the air. Little did they know that the bland tranquility of their orthonoiac lives was about to be slashed open by the God of Poetry and Truth, made manifest in a martial-arts-trained transient released a year previously from Western State Hospital.

According to a contemporary news report, an off-duty police officer was first alerted to a leather-jacketed and camo-pantsed man with a sword disturbing (presumably in the psychological sense) passers-by. The officer followed the man from Pike Place Market. At the corner of Second and Pike, the man took what the police report described as a "defensive stand" and refused to drop his sword. The officer called for back-up. So began the great Seattle Street Samurai Standoff of 1997.

Apollo -- for that was who he declared himself to be -- made no aggressive moves, apart from the occasional dramatic poses and cryptic pronouncements. The police, cautious of his martial prowess, chose not to provoke him. Instead they cordoned off the streets and commenced negotiations via bullhorn.

They asked him again to please put down the sword and surrender; he again refused. They offered him $50 for his sword; he ignored their bribe. They tempted him with a Big Mac; he held fast. They spoke fondly of his dead brother in hopes of changing his mind; he was unmoved. They tried reverse psychology on him, telling him Satan was preventing him from surrendering; he wasn't fooled by their lies. They shined bright lights at him; he wore shades. Growing desperate, nonleathal projectiles and pepper spray were tried; he repelled them through sheer willpower. It seemed nothing would stop lone Apollo from standing his ground on the sidewalk athwart the combined forces of the City.

The orthonoids of Seattle were not happy. Traffic was brought to a stand still and businesses were evacuated. Hundreds called 911 demanding action and offering advice on how to deal with this unexpected menace to civilization -- some suggested throwing a net over him, others shooting him with tranquilizer darts, and not-a-few using lethal force. Talk radio was apoplectic -- more so than usual. If Apollo was aware of the effect he was having on the psyche of Seattle, he showed no sign of concern. His concerns were beyond what the small minds of conformity could comprehend.

But the City would have its way. After nearly half a day unbudged from his sidewalk post, steadfast Apollo was finally brought down using a two-pronged tactic of cold water sprayed with firehoses and prolonged exposure to a large fan -- designed, after consultation with medical experts, to weaken his muscle control through hypothermia -- followed by a rush to pin his body with a 12-foot ladder and his sword arm with a pole. Even with these extreme measures he showed nigh-Rasputinesque levels of resilience: the high-pressure hoses were only able to knock him down temporarily and it took nearly three minutes to finally wrest the sword from his pinned hand.

In the end, no one was injured -- presumably since the demonic forces chose not to show themselves before Apollo's sword. Also, to the great relief of Seattleites, no Starbucks were harmed.

Assistant Police Chief Harv Ferguson had this to say after the standoff: "I've never seen anything like it in my 30 years. I don't want to make an icon out the guy, but I simply had to marvel at his ability to withstand all of that."

Although he was brought down, this was no real defeat for Apollo. He had made his lone defensive stand before all of Seattle, and Seattle, for a while at least, bowed to his will and grudgingly marveled at his iconic greatness. But what was Apollo's stand defending?

Among his pronouncements during the standoff Apollo mentioned having brothers in China and Russia. Could this have been a reference to the most memorable example of the Lone-Figure-Standing-Against-the-World archetype -- the Mercurial Tiananmen Square protester who stood down a line of Communist tanks? Or perhaps Bacchus Yeltsin astride a tank in defiance of a military coup? If only the SPD had a tank to complete Apollo's symbolism!

Tankless though his stand may have been, I believe Apollo, like his brothers before him, stood for the Individual in the face of insurmountable powers aligned against him. His stand was not just in self-defense -- that is, defense of the integrity and sovereignty of the Self against either dilution into the cloud of the Collective or subservience to the will of Another -- but defiance of social conformity, which unjustly demands that one shouldn't strike poses with a samurai sword in downtown Seattle, no matter how totally kick-ass that would be.

Even in his fall, Apollo had a defiant message for us: maybe the Individual can't win, but at least he'll go down brandishing his sword and looking cooler than the cowered tools of conformity could ever hope to look. Their jealousy shall be the Individual's ultimate victory!

Who was Tony Allison that day? Apollo, folk hero for the oppressed Individual, or just a crazy guy with a sword disrupting the mundane flow of society and scaring tourists? I choose the former. His stand has been mostly forgotten, and Tony's sword is presumably retired for good, but it may be no coincidence that this website -- my own defensive stand against the Forces of Mind Control, the Belgian Conspiracy, monorails, and tree octopus extinction -- was started later that same year.

So, for whatever inspiration he brought me, I offer this paean to Apollo, disruptor of the orthonoiac, wherever he may be.

UPDATE 2008-11-25: Video of Tony Allison's stand.

Lyle Zapato

Jiu-Jitsu Move #4

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-09.2710 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

LA GARROTTE Á LE JUPONAISE.

If a man be sitting in a chair, you can approach him on the right side or slightly behind, reach over with your left hand hooked under his chin, or seize his forelock, pull his head backward forcibly, and reach around his neck with your right hand and grasp his collar under his left ear (see ill.1). Now he is sure to put up his left, to get your right away from his throat. Catch it with your left, twisting it around to the left and backward (see ill. 2), and as you take your fall with B in the same direction, kick the falling chair away with your right foot.

No. 1--'Oh--'

No. 2--'This is so--'

No. 3--'Sudden!'

CHAIR ARREST

Here is another way to arrest a man sitting in a chair, without throwing him.

Chair Arrest.

From Jiu-jitsu: A Comprehensive and Copiously Illustrated Treatise (1904), p. 58-61, by Harry Hall Skinner.

Lyle Zapato

Mr. Beale And The Poulpe

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-08.1355 LMT | Cephalopods | Random Found Thing | Retro

Today is International Cephalopod Awareness Day. Which poses the question: Why should we be aware of cephalopods?

In years past, lack of awareness of our cephalopodan cohabitants has only led to misunderstandings, and often times violence. Take for instance this sad tale of an encounter gone horribly wrong between an Englishman and a Japanese octopus:

Mr. Beale and the Poulpe

[Octopuses'] remarkable spirit, as well as their strength, is evinced by an adventure which Mr. Beale, an Englishman, had with one of them among the rocks of the Bonin Islands, where he had gone ashore to seek for shells. As he was moving about, he was suddenly arrested by seeing at his feet a most extraordinary looking animal, crawling toward the surf, which it had only just left. It was creeping on its eight legs, which, from their soft and flexible nature, bent considerably under the weight of its body, so that it was lifted by the efforts of its tentacula only a small distance from the rocks. It appeared much alarmed at seeing him, and made every effort to escape. Mr. Beale endeavored to stop it by pressing on one of its legs with his foot; but, although he used considerable force for that purpose, its strength was so great that it several times liberated its member in spite of all the efforts he could employ on the wet and slippery rocks. He then laid hold on one of the tentacles with his hands and held it firmly, so that it appeared as if the limb would be torn asunder by the united efforts of himself and the creature. He then gave it a powerful jerk, wishing to disengage it from the rocks to which it clung so forcibly by its suckers. This effort it effectually resisted; but the moment after, the apparently enraged animal lifted its head with its large projecting eyes, and loosing its hold of the rocks, suddenly sprang upon Mr. Beale's arm, and clung to it by means of its suckers with great power, endeavoring to get its beak, which could now be seen between the roots of its arms, in a position to bite. A sensation of horror pervaded his whole frame, when he found that this hideous animal had fixed itself so firmly on his arm. Its cold, slimy grasp was extremely sickening; and he loudly called to the captain, who was at some distance, to come and release him from his disgusting assailant. The captain quickly came, and taking him down to the boat, during which time Mr. Beale was employed in keeping the beak of the octopus away from his hands, soon released him, by destroying his tormentor with the boat-knife, which he accomplished by cutting away portions at a time.

(From Illustrated Natural History of the Animal Kingdom (1859), p. 498, by Samuel Griswold Goodrich.)

Raising cephalopod awareness will help end the ignorant, speciesist attitude that lets Englishmen think it's proper to step on the arms of innocent octopuses. He deserved to be bitten and was just lucky that the octopus totally screwed up the kusa zuribiki move.

UPDATE: Also see Celebrate International Cephalopod Awareness Day at Cephalopodcast for more cephalopod-awareness-related links.

Lyle Zapato

Jiu-Jitsu Move #3

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-08.1330 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

KUSA ZURIBIKI, Shaking Hands Act.

Or as the Japanese name cannot be properly translated into an English equivalent, we might as well call it the "Glad hand."

No. 1--'So Glad  to See You.'

In order to secure a sudden advantage over an opponent, it is often best to resort to strategy and take your man wholly by surprise.

As a mode of attack, this act is one of the neatest, completest surprises known to the Gentle Art.

(1) A approaches B, holding out his right hand as if he were going to shake hands, grasps B's right hand as in ill. 1, and stepping back quickly, gives B's hand a violent pull, causing B to lose his balance and start forward, while A rushes back in the opposite direction, past B's right side, still holding B;s right hand, and stoops, grasping B's right ankle with the left hand, whirls B about and tips him over; or letting go with the right hand, sends him headlong with the left ankle, see ill. 2.

No. 2--'Must You Go So Soon?'

This is very simple and effective when you get it right.

From Jiu-jitsu: A Comprehensive and Copiously Illustrated Treatise (1904), p. 111-112, by Harry Hall Skinner.

Lyle Zapato

Jiu-Jitsu Move #2

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-07.2340 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

ARRESTING A POLICEMAN.

Some time it may become necessary to arrest a policeman; and in that event, all you have to do is to carry out the following instructions with celerity and precision.

A Weak Spot in 'Copper'

Get on his left side, a little at the rear, (1) with your right hand catch hold of the lower end of his club which hangs in his belt at the left side, and turn it outward to the left and upward, so that it will bear across his left arm just above the elbow; while you are doing this with the right hand, catch hold of his left wrist with your left hand, holding his arm back against his club, to keep it straight, and with your right hand push the top end or handle of the club against his left side, just above, and slightly in front of the pelvis bone on No. 11, ill. A., as per illustration. This hurts terribly in two places; the middle of his arm and at the end of the club in his flank. Be careful of the latter point. It is one of the knock-outs of JIU-JITSU and apt to cause collapse.

The writer asked permission to try this experiment, just for practice, on a New York policeman, and after grasping his left wrist and turning up the club in the above manner, as if it were one motion, the officer was asked what there was for him to do in a case like that. He replied, between gasps of pain, that there was nothing he could do without breaking his arm or killing himself.

From Jiu-jitsu: A Comprehensive and Copiously Illustrated Treatise (1904), p. 63-64, by Harry Hall Skinner.

Lyle Zapato

Jiu-Jitsu Move #1

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-06.2900 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

OYA UBI SHIME or Thumb Grip.

No. 4--Oh My!

Suppose you catch B's right thumb round the waist, just below the first joint, holding it tightly well down in the crotch between your right thumb and first finger, pull and press the ends of your fingers down into the base of his thumb at the back of the hand, he will probably drop to his knees, to save his thumb. See illustration.

Remember that in a rough-and-tumble fight or scuffle, when you can get one of these grips on your man, he is helpless. Always "look pleasant" and keep cool. This is often half the battle.

From Jiu-jitsu: A Comprehensive and Copiously Illustrated Treatise (1904), p. 13, by Harry Hall Skinner.

Lyle Zapato

A Lesson In Street Defense

Lyle Zapato | 2007-10-05.1613 LMT | Random Found Thing | Retro

No. 1.—AN OPPONENT THREATENS TO START A FIGHT WITH ME

Read more...