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Lyle Zapato

Black Helicopter Searches

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-03.4600 LMT | Black Helicopters | Site

I'm being bombarded ("Bom, Bar... DEAD!") by people desperately searching for the TRUTH about Black Helicopters. So far today I've gotten over 10,000 hits with the exact same referral from a search on Comcast.net, on which my Black Helicopter exposé is the first site listed.

What's going on? Have swarms of Microscopic Black Helicopters started spewing out of Comcast cable modems and the Comcast subscribers are all using their default Comcast.net homepage to search for answers? By "Comcastic", do they really mean "Comcastaclysmic"?

UPDATE: I've found the reason for the hits. Apparently the Comcast homepage (which only subscribers can see) has some sort of search article on "Paranoid Pursuits". So Comcasters are not in imminent danger of being swarmed and consumed by Black Helicopters -- at least for now. Still, it might be wise to cancel your service and remove the suspicious Comcast boxes from your home. True paranoids limit themselves to the relative safety of broadcast TV and dialup.

Also, since that page is getting attention, I've put up on Cafepress a new anti-BH propaganda poster I've been working on:

poster

This is part of a series of paranoid propaganda -- or paraganda -- posters that I have vaguely planned (there was another one as an Easter egg in a previous post.) The paraganda concept is still inchoate, and I've gotten sidetracked into a rabbit hole of font creation, so this isn't the official post on the subject. Stay tuned...

Lyle Zapato

Nixon Memorabilia

Lyle Zapato | 2006-02-13.9350 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Fashion

The Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace website doesn't have any proper GPMs (perhaps they'd like my moribund one?), however it does have a gift shop with a kids section.

Most of the Nixon memorabilia there are cute and harmless, such as the Presidential Yo-Yo (trivia: in 1974 Nixon was the opening yo-yo act at The Grand Ole Opry; that signed yo-yo later sold for a record $16,029), Future Commander In Chief Bib, or the Air Force One Playset ("Tax policy might not excite the kids, but this 30-piece die cast metal Presidential transportation set will.")

Some seem to have been chosen for their dark humor potential:

Ultimate Spy Kit

Turn your room into a spy headquarters, and keep it safe from enemy agents. Inside the spy case you'll find everything you need to detect intruders, listen in on secret spy meetings, and pass on classified information.

Assemble the components to make a range of super-sleuth gadgets, including a movement detector, a pressure pad, and an intruder alarm. The kit also includes a ready-made listening device, an invisible-ink spy pen, and a spy training manual with instructions for carrying out the ultimate in top-secret missions.

(What? No Lil' Plumber Playset?)

And then there's the book Richard M. Nixon and his Family Paper Dolls by Tom Tierney:

Richard and Pat Nixon paper dolls, by Tom Tierney
White House Christmas party, 1972

(If kickin' around with Tricky Dick in his skivvies isn't your cup of tea, Tom Tierney also has paper dolls of other presidents and their families, including Reagan (w/Bonzo) and the Bushes. Heads up for you political snark miners on the last one: be sure to Look Inside!™ for a young George and Laura modeling vacation wear.)

The Library shop also has an entire section dedicated to The Day Nixon Met Elvis. Now you can get the famous picture of Nixon and Elvis shaking hands ("the most requested image in the history of the U.S. Government") on a mousepad, note cube, or float pen.

True Nixonalia aficionados will want a bird house in the shape of Nixon's boyhood home. Or if you have always longed to live out your Nixon role playing fantasies, why not get a reproduction of the presidential desk for a mere six grand? (No word if it comes wired for microphones.)

Lastly: Looking for AFDB camouflage? Try this stylish Nixon Beanie with the classic Nixon oval surf logo. No one will suspect your paranoia when infiltrating GOP conventions in that (DNC infiltrators, go here.)

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: Ultimate Wealth Investment

The Philatelist | 2006-02-11.7700 LMT | Philately
US tulip stamp (Scott #3902)

Exciting news for those intrigued by the rare stamps featured in my previous two posts. Stanley Gibbons, the world's foremost philatelic company, has a new investment opportunity for sophisticated savers looking for diversification in their pension plans: Stanley Gibbons Rare Stamp Investment Fund.

Those unable to afford an OCM or 3SY of their own will be able to buy into ultimate wealth with a starting subscription of a mere £20,000 -- what better way to start investing in the world's most valuable commodity by weight!

According to Gibbons, rare stamps were rated by a Salomon Brothers study among the top four investments of the 20th century, giving an average annual return of 10% between 1907 and 1990. Now you too can share in this heritage of timeless value.

No word yet if investors are allowed to visit the stamps. It would be a bloody shame if you couldn't get your tongs around your Penny Black, even if you only own one three-thousandths of it. High returns on investment are all well and good, but a philatelic timeshare would be smashing! Otherwise you might as well be so crass as to invest in numismatics.

(ZPi Note: The Philatelist is not a qualified financial advisor.)

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: A Brand Worth Its Weight In Antimatter

The Philatelist | 2006-02-09.5600 LMT | Philately
the Treskilling Yellow (3SY)

Hello, and welcome again to Stamp Nook.

In this edition we look at the most valuable individual thing in the world: the Treskilling Yellow, an 1855 Swedish stamp misprinted in yellow instead of green, estimated to be worth upwards of £40 billion per kilogram (or £2 million per unit, which is the only way it can be purchased since only one is known to exist).

This is a celebrity among stamps! Much has already been written about it and the controversy and mystery surrounding its ownership. I won't repeat all that here. There is, however, exciting news in the world of the Treskilling Yellow.

As with any celebrity, it's important to turn fame into successful name marketisation. So it comes as little surprise that the brand management consultants at FutureBrand (creators of the Aflac duck), in conjunction with Stamp Collection AG, have developed 3SY (Three Skilling Yellow) into a brand.

Read more...

Lyle Zapato

Seeking A Good Source Of Different Types Of Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-01.2820 LMT | Letters | Fashion

Yesterday I received another business inquiry regarding hats:

Subject: Seeking a good source of different types of hats.. please read (September 30, 2005)

Hello,

Some of my clients are searching online for a reputable source of different types of hats. My job is to find one place to send them to for specific markets. I'd like to discuss an arrangement with you about this.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I will be in today (Friday) from 8:00 AM PST to 5:00 PM PST. You'll need to be at your computer when you call me. Please call when you have a few minutes and I will a) demonstrate how you would benefit from what we do and b) answer any and all questions you have.

Best Regards,

Liz Monteroso
Business Segment Analyst, Star Position

Phone (US): [REDACTED!] extension [REDACTED!]
Outside US: [REDACTED!]

PS: I am not referring to a leads-based system. It is my job to send my clients looking from the search engines to one place at the exact moment they are looking. We have over 17,400,000 people on our network, and growing.

To which I replied:

Hi,

Zapato Productions intradimensional (ZPi) does not sell hats nor direct traffic to people who do, although I can understand your confusion since we come in 5th on a Google search for "hat".

What we do do is offer instructions for people to make a certain type of hat called an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB). This hat, as the name implies, is made of aluminum foil and is able to deflect psychotronic mind control of the sort employed by the New World Order, the NWO's various subsidiaries, marketing firms, lone evil geniuses, and paraterrestrial entities, thus keeping the wearer's thoughts secure. It's like Macrovision for one's head.

Again, we do not sell these hats. In fact, we discourage people from buying them as a matter of mental security. Purchased AFDBs may contain psychotronic circuitry that allows the seller a backdoor into the penetralia of the buyer's mind.

While that ability may seem beneficial to you as an Agent of Marketing, I hope you can understand why this would be undesirable from the point of view of paranoids and others concerned about mental property (MP) rights management. Mental piracy is an increasing concern, as technological advances have made it easier for people such as yourself to steal the mental works of innocent thinkers.

We at ZPi are strongly opposed to this, and would be working towards the introduction of legislation aimed at stopping such practices if it weren't for the government being deeply involved in them. Instead, we offer paranoids technological solutions to take MP protection into their own hands with, among other things, hats.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
CEO, Zapato Productions intradimensional

(As astute readers will have noticed, the AFDB page has moved down one whole spot on the Google hat search since the previous inquiry in May. Such is the unfortunate realities of the cut-throat hat search game.)

The Business Segment Analysts at Star Position are very busy seeking reputable sources of various things, including Harley-Davidson motorcycles, fencing materials, health and beauty products, information on skateboarding, and gay fetish websites. Who knew there were so many diverse business segments?

According to Star Position's website (the address of which I'll let you figure out), they are a so-called Search Engine Optimization (SEO) company that sells Keywords (Patent Pending). Keywords are what the domain name system would have been like if was designed by unctuous middlemen instead of bearded anarchists -- less URI and more ROI.

A Keyword is a word that one can type into one's browser address bar and be taken directly to the site of whoever licensed that word -- assuming that one first downloaded and installed a "browser upgrade" from some shifty marketing firm. Why wouldn't anyone want to do that? According to their FAK (Facts About Keywords):

Q: How many individuals have upgraded their browsers to accept keywords?

A: Millions. Everyday hundreds of thousands of people upgrade to a keyword browser globally. Keywords are quickly becoming the Internet standard for direct access to web addresses.

What's that you say? You are using one of those old fashioned, non-standard browsers that doesn't let you go directly to www.hotferretlovin.com when you type "ferret" in your address bar? How can you live in such a state of barbarity?

Keywords were created to make it quicker for potential customers to get to your site. Instead of searching on Google or typing all sorts of tedious technogobbledygook like http:// or www or .com, your potential customers only have to type one word.

But what if the word is too long or difficult to spell? Do you really expect customers to spend all their precious time typing or looking up the word in a dictionary? In the time it takes them to do that, your competitors could swoop in and steal your sales! Fortunately, we at ZPi have a solution:

ZPi Keyword Keywords (Patent Pending)!

Keyword Keywords let potential customers go directly to your Keyword, and thus your site, without all that excess typing or spell checking!

Let's say you have licensed the Keyword "unctuous" for direct access to your online snake oil store. Instead of having to type out the whole, oddly spelled word, your potential customers would only have to type the Keyword Keyword "unc". When they hit enter, their browsers -- which have been upgraded with ZPi Keyword Keyword technology (Patent Pending) -- look up "unc" on our Keyword Keyword Server, find that it has been licensed to link to the Keyword "unctuous", then enter that Keyword, thus taking them directly to your site. It's just that simple!

But hurry! There are an even more limited number of Keyword Keywords than Keywords. If you don't license your ZPi Keyword Keyword today, your potential snake oil customers might end up being directed to a mohel or gay fetish website instead!

UPDATE: See follow-up post where I am accused of cyberterrorism by Liz's boss.

Lyle Zapato

Black Helicopter TRUTH Store

Lyle Zapato | 2005-08-08.1260 LMT | Black Helicopters | NWO | Art
Lyle Zapato

Uncyclopedia On Belgium

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-15.6310 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy
The Belgian... he thinks he is superior to you.

Thanks to the magic of referral logs, I have learned of Uncyclopedia and their article on "Belgium".

Unlike Wikipedia, whose article on Belgium is chock-full of the Belgian Conspiracy's disinformation and only briefly mentions Belgium's non-existence with a link to my site sneakily hidden -- no doubt by a loyal ZPi reader -- at the bottom (sure to be edited out soon enough), Uncyclopedia dares to tell the Truth.

Currently Uncyclopedia's article is shorter than mine, but I'm sure it will grow as more contribute to the distributed debunking of Belgium. It already offers additional insight into the Conspiracy's machinations, including uncovering a joint Belgian-Japanese plot to propagandize Belgium using Japanese tourists and photos of "Manneken Pis" (link unsafe for work or leisure).

Incidentally, the picture of the Belgian that accompanies the article was taken from my Belgium Doesn't Exist Cafepress shop. I point this out for the edification of those interested in Internetainment trivia, not for the sake of crass commercialism.

Lyle Zapato

Penguiniconic Mystery

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-15.5900 LMT | Art | Nature
Penguin T-Shirt

For some odd reason, lately people (11 to be precise) have been buying the Penguin t-shirt from my Zapaticons store. I say "odd reason" because it's the only thing from that store that anyone has bought in the almost one year that it's been there and people only started buying it in October. I haven't done any advertising of it other than the banner ad on the Zapaticons page that has been there since I added the store. I thought maybe it was because of the shirt's placing on Cafepress's search, but it only shows up on the third page for "penguin". I also thought it might have something to do with the increase in Cascadia sticker sales around the same time, but the only place where the two stores are mentioned together is on the front page sidebar, so that doesn't make sense.

What gives? Has there been a sudden outbreak of penguinophilia? Some sort of joint Penguin-Belgium psy-op campaign aimed at influencing my website?

Anyway, the Zapaticons store is a hodgepodge mess of random icons on random items; however, if penguins are so very, very popular (does no one appreciate the homopterrific cuteness of the thorn mimic treehopper?) I could increase the penguin-to-nonpenguin ratio there (I already added a second penguin shirt and two penguin ornaments), or add a separate penguinicon store with a full complement of penguiny products (unless that's what THEY want!) If anyone has any requests or suggestions regarding this, email me and I'll take it under advisement.

Lyle Zapato

An Interview

Lyle Zapato | 2004-09-08.9890 LMT | Site

For all you Lyle Zapato aficionados and stalkers out there, you can read a rare interview of me on Absolute Write, which contains scant new insights and something lazily copied out of the guestbook.

Lyle Zapato

Cicada Zapaticon Products

Lyle Zapato | 2004-05-30.3822 LMT | Art