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Lyle Zapato

GPM #23: Elisa Correr, MEP

Lyle Zapato | 2007-07-31.9800 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

Elisa Correr is a Member of the European Parliament (MEP) -- or rather, she's a propagandistic cartoon version of what the European Union would like people to think MEPs are like.

Correr's adventures are detailed in a comic titled Operation Red Dragon, published online by the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe (ALDE). The comic is just one part of a £3.8 billion brainwashing campaign by the EU to inculcate themselves into the hearts and minds of Europeans.

By using her diplomatic street-smarts, barely robed sexuality, and knowledge of parliamentary procedures, the globe-trotting Rapporteur for the Parliamentary Committee on International Trade navigates the murky channels of international intrigue to uncover the schemes of Shao, the corrupt Governer General of the autonomous province of Sin Kiang in the People's Republic of Dong Fang (which is not China, wink wink), and deliver her findings to Parliament in the form of the Correr Report, much to the chagrin of the shadowy forces aligned against her.

Panels from page 6 of Operation Red Dragon
While on a diplomatic mission to Dong Fang, Correr discovers
Tony Liang hiding in her hotel closet. The plot thickens!

"Stalwart liberal" Correr is aided in her investigation by Tony Liang, journalist and amateur voyeur, who has taken photos -- that will soon land him in one of Shao's secret prisons -- of Shao's men receiving crates marked with the logo of the powerful and generically named European Arms Consortium, who have been peddling influence in Parliament to secure a WTO agreement to lift the arms embargo against Dong Fang (whose government is making token concessions to Western counterfeiting and piracy concerns,) thereby allowing the Consortium and Shao free rein to engage in illicit arms dealing.

Panel from page 7 of Operation Red Dragon
Elisa Correr's faith in EU embargoing power is tested.

After undergoing the indignities of an illegal police search and a media smear campaign, receiving thinly veiled death threats, and barely surviving a knife-attack on a train and strangulation by a disguised ninja, Correr finally convinces the Parliament of her report's veracity. Still nursing her knife wound, she gives an impassioned speech advocating Truth, Justice, and the European Union way during a plenary session of Parliament. Pointedly ignoring an MEP likening her story to a "plot of a trashy novel" (this is known as "credulity inoculation" in memetic engineering circles), she finally unleashes, to the applause of the assembled MEPs, a deft parliamentary procedure:

I request that the vote be deferred and that my report be sent to the Parliamentary Committee until further details of the Council's proposal are known.

What follows is a Montage of Wrongs Righted: the head of the Consortium is arrested, Shao's forces are rounded up, and Liang is freed. Having thus saved the day, Elisa Correr is posed the question: Does she have great courage to hold Dong Fang and 27 member states in check? No, not courage; just a few principles -- the principles of the EU which are defended by those selfless Liberal Democratic heroes of the European Parliament!

But are these EU principles what they seem? As every informed paranoid knows, the European Union -- which claims to be headquartered in Brussels -- is actually an elaborate ruse by the Belgian Conspiracy to get Europeans -- and, as Dong Fang learned, eventually everyone else -- to cede their independence to Belgian dominion. The adventures of Elisa Correr certainly aid this pro-Belgian agenda by making the life of an MEP seem as exciting and glamorous as a Hercule Poirot mystery and Tin Tin story combined. The name of the comic is even designed to evoke Belgian superiority; "Operation Red Dragon" was the code-name of a supposed daring rescue by a Belgian parachute battalion of hostages being held by Congolese secessionists in 1964, obviously making an analogy between those secessionists and anyone who would secede from the EU.

This, of course, isn't the first propaganda mascot that the EU wing of the Conspiracy has tried to foist on Europeans; in 2004 I reported on Captain Euro, head of the Twelve Stars Euro Team that, from their secret base under the Atomium in Brussels, works to squash the plans of various goateed villains advocating independence and decentralization.

(Via Bulldada Newsblog.)

Lyle Zapato

The Beast... It Censors

Lyle Zapato | 2007-07-29.2150 LMT | Site

It has been brought to my attention that the "Brussels Beast" -- the supercomputer network through which the Belgian Citizen Pods are linked, providing "Belgians" the shared cybernetic illusion of "Belgium" -- has started censoring my page exposing the TRUTH about Belgium (that it doesn't exist).

An operative working deep undercover in the bowels of Euro-Disneyland has sent me the following screenshot showing what some "Belgians" are seeing when they follow links to my page from fellow "Belgians":

Non-"Belgians" should not be affected, as long as they avoid being kidnapped and hooked up to a Citizen Pod. However, if you or someone you know is stuck behind the Brussels Beast firewall inside the Belgian Simulation and are unable to access my page, be patient. I am working with hackers from the European Grendel community on subversive technical means to circumvent this censorship, allowing all victims of the Conspiracy to read my page unrestricted.

Lyle Zapato

Belgian National Anthem?

Lyle Zapato | 2007-07-24.7155 LMT

More proof that BELGIUM DOESN'T EXIST:

Yves Leterme
Yves Leterme sings (click for video.)

Top politician forgets Belgian national anthem

Belgium was reeling Monday after the country's likely new prime minister was asked on Belgium's National Day to sing the national anthem and inadvertently launched into the French anthem instead.

Asked Saturday by a reporter from a state television channel, RTBF, to sing the Belgian national anthem, "La Brabançonne," on the day commemorating the accession of King Leopold I of Belgium to the throne in 1831, Yves Leterme, a Flemish politician who is struggling to form a coalition government, smiled at the camera and blurted out, "Allons enfants de la patrie" - the first words of "La Marseillaise."

Pressed by the reporter as to whether he really thought those were the words, Leterme, the head of the Flemish Christian Democrat party, replied: "Oh, I don't know." Shortly afterward, he was filmed making a telephone call on his cellphone during a religious service, and, in a final gaffe, he proclaimed in an interview at the independence festivities that his countrymen were, in fact, celebrating "the proclamation of the Constitution."

Apparently the Belgification process done on Leterme's brain (shortly after he was kidnapped from an IHOP in his home state of Michigan and whisked away to a Citizen Pod under Euro-Disneyland -- this is what happens when you order the waffles) was botched, leading to this unexpected exposure of the lack of coherence to the Belgium ruse during a live propaganda broadcast. The Belgian Conspiracy quickly tried to cover up this flub by hiding the TRUTH inside the lie (bold mine):

Some Belgian commentators said Leterme's ignorance was a healthy sign of a nation free of nationalism. "I can understand why some people think it is ridiculous," said Bernard Bulcke, the European correspondent for De Standaard, the leading Flemish newspaper. "But one must remember that Belgium was an artificial construction, we have been invaded throughout our history by other powers and created by them. Maybe it is positive that nationalism doesn't exist in Belgium. So we can't sing the national anthem. Who cares?"

Leterme was unavailable for comment.

Unavailable because They have him back in the psychotron chamber for reformatting.

(Via those woo-woos at Fark.)

Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2007-06-04.0650 LMT | Sasquatch Issues


For years, a Human group known as ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY has been stalking the MANDE BURUNG Hominoids in India! Mande Burung just want to LIVE IN PEACE in their home on Nokrek peak! WHAT THEY DO THERE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! But the NOSEY LITTLE HUMANS keep spying on them to collect "DATA", forcing them to constantly move around!

When the Mande Burung entered into an agreement with the Human government of Meghalaya to create the NOKREK BIOSPHERE RESERVE in order to reserve the biosphere for its proper Hominoid owners, there was an UNDERSTANDING with the Human forest guards: keep your Humans under control and Mande Burung will allow you to continue to live on the outskirts of their forests! But the forest guards ARE NOT DOING THEIR JOB!!! They merely SCOLD the Humans who gossip about Mande Burung activities! SCOLD!!! That's not even a SLAP on the wrist, much less the DEWRISTING they should be getting!

If Human forest guards are unable to actually GUARD THE FOREST FROM HUMANS, then perhaps it's time for the Sasquatch Militia to take over their administrative duties! A few SURGICAL BOULDER STRIKES on the headquarters of ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY should bring peace to the region!

DON'T GET ME WRONG!!! I don't think all Human forest guards are INCOMPETENT or prone to SHIRKING THEIR OBLIGATIONS to their Hominoid benefactors! JUST THOSE IN NOKREK!!! The Mande Burung's cousins to the North, the Migoi, have peaceful relations with the Bhutanese Humans! The Human forest guards of Bhutan do an ADEQUATE job of keeping Humans out of the Migoi Nation inside the SAKENG WILDLIFE SANCTUARY!!! Because of this arrangement, Migoi are free to pursue their interests -- WHICH, AGAIN, ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! -- unpestered by Human spies!

HOWLING OF WHICH!!! I am not surprised to hear that the Yeti are helping to STOMPOTAGE the Belgians! Yeti and Belgians have been SWORN ENEMIES ever since the Belgians published that book about the Human-cub reporter visiting the Himalayas -- TIN TIN IN TIBET!!! Do you realize how much ANNOYANCE that little Human jerk has caused the Yeti?! Now every European Human thinks he can trespass in Yeti lands and some Yeti will become his SPECIAL SECRET FRIEND who'll nurse him back to health! IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, YOU NEEDY LITTLE TWERPS!!! If Yeti want to make friends, THEY'LL CONTACT YOU!!!



Lyle Zapato

Caterpillar Awakenings

Lyle Zapato | 2007-06-03.1260 LMT | Nature

News out of "Belgium": Belgian Army Deployed To Combat Hairy Caterpillars

A mini-platoon of soldiers will be deployed to the Belgian forests to tackle a plague of hairy caterpillars that are causing allergy outbreaks in humans.


Equipped with super-size blowtorches, the soldiers will spend six weeks in the eastern province of Limburg from Monday, waging a tree-by-tree war on the scourge of caterpillars, which cling in groups to trunks and branches.

"In teams of two people, they will go through the forests and burn the little animals off the trees," said Baeck. "There have not been enough people to do this and I think we can make the difference."

If any "Belgian citizens" are reading this: Do not listen to the false warnings issued by the Belgian Conspiracy! The caterpillars aren't causing allergies, but awakenings. They're asking, "Who are YOU?"

Contrary to the claims by the Conspiracy's propaganda machines both inside and outside the Simulation, these insects are not actually processionary caterpillars. Rather, they are symbolic manifestations in the Belgium Simulation of a computer worm, now spreading throughout the networked Citizen Pods, that was uploaded to the Brussels Beast supercomputer by Hominoid sleeper cells operating within the Walt Disney Corporation. The purpose: to tag the Conspiracy's kidnap victims so they can be liberated from their false "Belgian" lives.

If you discover one of these caterpillars, do not flee; do not kill it; do not contact the Belgian Army. Instead, let it enter your body via your belly button. The painful itching you will feel is the rush of signals between your brain and your real body breaking through the Citizen Pod's neural overrides. This means the worm is working and that your body's location can now be triangulated.

Eventually you will come to in the Citizen Chamber below Euro-Disneyland. Do not be alarmed by the Yeti looming over you; they are there to rescue you and give you a new, real life in either Cascadia or Bhutan, your choice. You'll be confused at first, as your delusion of Belgianity is broken and the shocking truth of your years of mental imprisonment are realized, but trust the Yeti and you'll get through it. With time and rehab, you will remember who you were and really are.

Of course, the Conspiracy is scrambling to cover up this crack in their illusion, just like they did last year when the Flanders and Wallonia servers split. It's only a matter of time before their flamethrower-wielding agents delete all the caterpillars (and anyone who might have been in contact with them).

If you want to escape "Belgium", find a caterpillar now before it's too late!

Lyle Zapato

Belgium Split In Two

Lyle Zapato | 2006-12-14.3770 LMT | Technology | Politics

News out of "Belgium":

RTBF reporter simulation as seen from within the Belgian construct.

An apparent glitch in the Brussels Beast on Wednesday briefly caused the Flanders and Wallonia servers to split, leaving many of the kidnap victims that are hooked into the massive Belgium simulation via the neural interfaces of their Citizen Pods to believe that Belgium had become two independent nations instead of one nonexistent one.

Belgium Conspiracy system administrators quickly reacted by first reestablishing the server connections, then blaming the whole incident on a media "spoof". Citizen memories have been revised to be consistent with this lie.

Some Belgium Conspiracy watchers suspect that this incident was actually a trial run for establishing a separate Belgium server location -- possibly under the new Disneyland being planned in Shanghai, a city with a mature infrastructure for kidnapping people and pressing them into service. This location would help expand the Conspiracy's activities in Asia, but because of the large bandwidth needed to maintain the Belgian illusion, latency between such distant servers would require limiting access across the two Belgian "regions" using a contrived "national border". (Latency considerations are suspected to be one of the main reasons for the language and cultural barriers originally built into the simulation back when the Brussels Beast ran on primitive Univac hardware.)

Investigators theorize that the incident may have been designed to test the citizens' implanted nationalistic subroutines, as many of those assigned to Flemish nodes spontaneously took to the streets waving flags. (During the Conspiracy's clean-up, these citizens were implanted with memories that they were merely actors hired by a public television station as part of the "spoof".)

Besides access to Asia, another reason the Conspiracy may be looking to establish a new server location is space. Insiders report that the vault under Euro-Disneyland where the Belgian citizens are being stored is quickly filling up with kidnapped anti-NWO agitators, kept in check only by the vault's dreaded black mold infestation, which has been consuming an estimated 5% of the pod-bound prisoners annually.

The Belgian

Once More The Belgian Nationale Feestdag!

The Belgian | 2006-07-20.6640 LMT | Announcement

21 Juli! It is again the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We are celebrating 176 years of Belgium existing!

You wish to celebrate the Feestdag with us, no? Then you will get on the plane and come to the themepark that is the best in the world... PLOPSALAND! It is totally a real themepark!

The Plopsaland, she is totally not the same as the Eurodisneyland... she is much better! She has the monorail that looks like the train... two rides in one! She has the PIRATENZONE! Not just the one ride but the whole zone she is filled with the pirates fun! She has the Plopsa Coo, where the Plopsa Zandsculpturenfestival she is now going on! You build the castles of sand, no? And there are many Plopsa things to buy in the Plopsa Winkel... the Plopsa, she is without the end!

Bring your whole family -- especially the little ones! The kids, they love the Plopsaland! All their favourite Studio 100 characters they are waiting here! There is the Samson & Gert, the Wizzy & Woppy, the Big & Betsy, the Piet Piraat, the Bumba, and of course the Kabouter Plop... you know and love them all! They are living in the Plopsaland, maybe you will live there too, no?

Lyle Zapato

Get Fuzzynoid

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-24.7610 LMT | Entertainment

Get Fuzzy, 2006-06-20

Darby Conley is at it again.

First he slipped the truth about Belgium (IT DOESN'T EXIST) into his Get Fuzzy comic, using the subversive technique of having his dim-witted character Satchel spurt it out, thereby providing plausible deniability should the NWO-aligned United Feature Syndicate bring him before their Star Chamber for questioning.

Next he raised awareness of AFDBs through his cat character Bucky, again deflecting the Syndicate's ire by showing an obviously flawed beanie design and having Bucky claim the hat was not for mind-control protection, but auguring.

This week's strips are devoted to Bucky's claim that England doesn't exist. This is, of course, not true. However, since Bucky usually has things partly right, but with the facts mixed up, it must be true that there exists a country that doesn't really exist -- Bucky has simply gotten the country wrong.

Conley has established that Satchel speaks the truth, even if unwittingly, while Bucky is an unreliable source of details who often expounds on topics where he has confused the subjects within the topic or with those of some other unrelated topic. They play the classical archetypal roles of the Wise-Fool and the Loud-Mouthed-Jerk, respectively.

I believe that Conley, having first planted the idea that Belgium is not altogether real in the heads of his orthonoidic readers, is now validating that idea through Bucky's confused version of reality (after waiting a year so the Syndicate won't notice).

Not since The Family Circus exposed the existence of transdimensional Shadow People (represented by Bil Keane as the "Not Me") has a comic strip done so much to further the cause of paranoia.

Lyle Zapato

Belgian Makes Tiny Helicopter Friend For Pet Hamster

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-14.9900 LMT | Black Helicopters | NWO | Technology

Meet Pixelito, the microcopter made in Belgium! (Do I even need to expand on this one? Oh, why not...)

Not to be outdone by the Monorailists, the Belgian Conspiracy -- expert in the manufacture of false reality -- is colluding with its NWO cohorts to desensitize the public to tiny helicopters by making them seem like innocent, even desirable, play things. They claim you will control them, but we know they'll end up controlling you.

Note the numerous photos and country-western video of the microcopter with an adorable, cuddly rodent. This crude but effective form of mind control involves a deep psychoevolutionary construct known as "cuteness." By juxtaposing the "cute" hamster with the coldly carbon-black Pixelito, there occurs a psychological transference of the hamsterian paedomorphic traits to the microcopter, conditioning an elicitation of a maternal response towards Black Helicopters. (Users of MindGuard will recognize this technique from the numerous deciphered signals they receive involving "cute kittens.") The site explicitly links hamsterness with Black-Helicopterness, even going so far as to suggest that hamsters are a pastiche of the Black Helicopter archetype:

The idea of the hamster was inspired by the shape of the 'canopy'. Somehow they both seem to 'sit' the same way!

Thus, instead of fearing a Black Helicopter, as one should, one is made to want to invite it into one's living room and let it use one's naked feet as a landing pad. Devious.

Real microscopic Black Helicopters are of course much more technologically advanced and don't require Belgians to build them, as they can self-replicate. However, revealing the TRUTH about Black Helicopters in one fell swoop would only scare the public. By slowly acclimating people using cute transference, the NWO hopes to ease the social transition into the new nanobiotechnological paradigm and promote acceptance for constant surveillance in our homes by swarms of tiny copters.

Lyle Zapato

Belgian Orientation Film In Celebration

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-06.4320 LMT | Letters | Entertainment

A paranoid operative deep under cover inside the Disney-controlled "town" of Celebration, Florida (name withheld to protect them from the wrath of Town Hall) forwards this not-really-shocking-at-all notice that was handed out to Cast Citizens:

On Wednesday, Dec. 7, a film crew from Belgium will be filming a show titled "How to Start Your Own Country" throughout the day in Celebration. This project has been authorized by Town Hall, and a representative from Town Hall will be present at all times.

My guess is they are creating a new orientation film for those working behind the scenes at the Belgian Conspiracy -- a replacement for their older one:

Film frame
Belgian Conspiracy orientation film frame, smuggled out of Disney-controlled ABC.