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Lyle Zapato

WARNING: Belgian Sheet Aluminum

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-21.2500 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Mind Control

ALUMINUM-SHIELDED ENCLOSURE CONSUMER ALERT:


Propaganda photo of the stripped upper sphere of the Atomium, most likely shot on the Eurodisney backlot.

The Belgian Conspiracy is selling sheet aluminum to the public under the guise of raising funds to repair their absurdly fictional Atomium building (home to Captain Euro and the Twelve Stars Euro Team).

They claim the aluminum was stripped from the outer surface of the Atomium as part of the renovation and that the pieces are "souvenirs". However, this is just a ruse by the Conspiracy to get paranoids as-yet-unaffected by Belgian programming to buy the sheet metal for use in constructing Aluminum-Shielded Enclosures (ASE), as evidenced by the fact that they're now claiming the Atomium itself was a giant ASE and that they're replacing the aluminum with stainless steel, thereby subtly suggesting that the removed aluminum shielding was interfering with their mind-control, thus making it desirable to Belgian-scoffers. Devious.

Besides being excessively expensive -- a six foot long triangle sells for $1,300 -- the sheets are almost certain to contain subsurface mind-control circuitry that will not only allow signals on Belgian carriers to be conducted through the metal, but will also inductively emit a general purpose Belgian Belief Field (BBF) in the presence of psychotronic radiation -- even radiation from rival mind-control factions. Worse yet, half of the 1,000 available sheets have already been sold and are on the open market for resale.

All paranoids who are building ASEs are advised to check their sources carefully to avoid purchasing Belgian aluminum sheet. An ASE constructed with this tainted product will instead turn out to be a Belgian Citizen Incubation Pod. Remember: the first signs of Belgification are cravings for chocolate.

Lyle Zapato

Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-25.1300 LMT | Mind Control | NWO | General Paranoia
Aluminum Tree

Paranoids are finding it increasingly difficult to obtain vintage Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Trees (SADTs), with prices currently starting at over US$400 and supplies dwindling.

Originally manufactured in the late 1950s as a way to arborescentally deflect multiple signals from stop-motion TV specials at the back of viewers' heads, thereby creating a holographic mind-control effect, a serious flaw in their design was discovered by paranoid researchers that allowed them to be used as psychotronic dampeners by simply adjusting the branch angles based on the Fibonacci numbers. Realizing their mistake, the NWO used negative propaganda in Charley Brown cartoons to dissuade the mass consumption of aluminum trees, but paranoids in the know were still able to obtain used ones cheaply through the black market.

In an apparent attempt to stop this, the NWO is using it's control over the affluent hipster and kitschophile communities (through such fronts as Hammacher Schlemmer and Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc.) to artificially increase the demand, making vintage devices difficult to come by. Furthermore, I suspect that they have figured a way around the Fibonacci bug and are manufacturing new, unafflicted versions, which, because of their crowd madness management, will sell like hot cakes next year when the prices are lowered. Paranoids should avoid these newer models.

What's so great about SADTs? Professor Hans Delbruck, in the ZPi guestbook, explains:

Aluminum trees have a para-branch effect which blocks the increased commercial psychotronic radiation at this time of year. Aluminum trees conserve habitat for the tree octopus and the Sasquatch. The Austin Powers-like effect of the revolving colored light box that one places under the tree has a soothing effect on the advanced paranoid hominoid, which is particularly valuable when used with full AFDBification and wrapping of gifts in aluminium foil.

Some links:

UPDATE 2008-12-17: Gather 'round your Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree and sing that classic paranoid tune, O Alumbaum!.

Lyle Zapato

"Aluminum Thieves" Targeting Cascadia

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-20.5400 LMT | Cascadia | NWO | General Paranoia

The Columbian is reporting that South Central Cascadia is being hit by a wave of aluminum theft targeting guardrails, manhole covers, and baseball bleachers. While the explanation being given by NWO-aligned government officials is that the thieves are selling the metal for scrap to buy drugs, the obvious real reason is that the NWO is trying to limit the amount of aluminum barriers in the environment that could be blocking their psychotronic signals along roads and at ballparks. Government officials expressed kabuki-esque surprise that the thieves could manage to steal the large, bolted pieces of aluminum without anyone noticing. Conveniently, the "stolen" aluminum manhole covers are being replaced with psychotronically translucent steel ones, thereby allowing NWO agents lurking in our storm drains and sewers to freely target pedestrians.

The increase in "thefts" and attendant excuses by government officials point to a ramped-up mind control campaign by the combined forces of the DOT (possibly related to monorails) and the Minor League Baseball Cartel. Paranoids should be warned to wear extra aluminum protection while driving and pedestring and to not attend baseball games without first lining the seat of their pants with foil to thwart subbleacher psychotrons.

UPDATE: Newer report on aluminum "theft".

Lyle Zapato

Beanied RaLouchites Take The U-Dub

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-23.9360 LMT | Mind Control | Fashion | General Paranoia
Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Mania!!

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-09.2300 LMT

While spying on my visitors going over my referral log, I found a Japanese portal/blog/who-knows-what that's all about aluminum and its many uses entitled Aluminum Mania!!. They've linked to my AFDB site, saying:

…メガトン級のアルミサイトではある。

which means "It's a megaton-class aluminum site." Thanks.

Anyway, their site is a bounty of information about aluminum use in Japan (assuming you can read Japanese, otherwise it's a bounty of squiggly lines). For instance, the Japanese have invented aluminum-based canine heatsink pads...

Overclocking your dog! What will they think of next? How about an aluminum Ultraman laptop...

However it's not exclusively Japanese aluminumana. Also found on the site was a pic of NASA's Echo-1 from the late 1960s:

This giant aluminated sphere (made of mylar, which was reverse engineered from bits of material salvaged from the paraterrestrial craft that crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947) was ostensibly for radio communications, although its psychotronically deflective surface was more suited for global mind control. Devices like this were the precursors to Project Starshine.