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Lyle Zapato

Commie Linux Wallpaper 2.0

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-25.8100 LMT | Art

This is an updated version of a wallpaper that I made a long time ago. Someone named Mib emailed me a link to his improved version a while back, but I was having server probs at the time and lost the email. (So that's why I didn't email you back, Mib.) I've implemented his two ideas -- adding the RMS-compliant GNU prefix bisected with the flagpole and using И instead of N -- in the re-done versions, and have released the SVG source code.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Superatoms

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-23.1850 LMT | Aluminum | Technology

Aluminum-iodine superatom.

A research team has discovered that clusters of aluminum atoms can impersonate the chemical properties of single atoms of other elements. They have dubbed these clusters "superatoms." In experiments with polyiodides, they've found that a superatom of 13 aluminum atoms (Al13) behaves much like an iodine atom, while an Al14 superatom behaves more like an alkaline earth atom such as beryllium.

Joint head of the research, Shiv N. Khanna of Virginia Commonwealth University: "The flexibility of an Al13 cluster to act as an iodine atom shows that superatoms can have synthetic utility, providing an unexplored 'third dimension' to the traditional periodic table of elements. [...] Applications using Al13 clusters instead of iodine in polymers may lead to the development of improved conducting materials. Assembling Al13I units may provide aluminum materials that will not oxidize, and may help to overcome a major problem in fuels that burn aluminum particles."

ZPi Research Labs will be following this discovery for application in Superatomic AFDB (SAFDB) technology that may provide better corrosion protection for Cascadian users.

Lyle Zapato

Malaysian Monorail Tire Blowout

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-22.2700 LMT | Monorail Danger

On Friday an explosion rocked the KL Monorail in Malaysia. Today it was determined to have been caused by a burst monorail tire. (Note how the monorailular-media spins this incident by emphasizing that the monorail tire was "pneumatic". It's just lucky the tire wasn't solid, otherwise the shrapnel would surely have killed all thirty passengers.) Two people were injured, one with minor wounds and the other requiring ankle surgery.

This follows an incident last September when a tire flew off the monorail in Las Vegas, nearly killing untold numbers of Elvis impersonators.

The inherent explosive and/or projectile danger of monorail tires is becoming clearer every day, and yet dangerous plans to monorailize Cascadia are still being pushed forward by industry groups such as Team Monorail, who are representing a monorail manufacturer prophetically named "Bombardier", and Cascadia Monorail Company, which is trying to capitalize on our great nation's name in order to kill us all.

(Thanks to Hans Delbruck for the links in the guestbook.)

Lyle Zapato

WARNING: Belgian Sheet Aluminum

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-21.2500 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Mind Control | Aluminum


Propaganda photo of the stripped upper sphere of the Atomium, most likely shot on the Eurodisney backlot.

The Belgian Conspiracy is selling sheet aluminum to the public under the guise of raising funds to repair their absurdly fictional Atomium building (home to Captain Euro and the Twelve Stars Euro Team).

They claim the aluminum was stripped from the outer surface of the Atomium as part of the renovation and that the pieces are "souvenirs". However, this is just a ruse by the Conspiracy to get paranoids as-yet-unaffected by Belgian programming to buy the sheet metal for use in constructing Aluminum-Shielded Enclosures (ASE), as evidenced by the fact that they're now claiming the Atomium itself was a giant ASE and that they're replacing the aluminum with stainless steel, thereby subtly suggesting that the removed aluminum shielding was interfering with their mind-control, thus making it desirable to Belgian-scoffers. Devious.

Besides being excessively expensive -- a six foot long triangle sells for $1,300 -- the sheets are almost certain to contain subsurface mind-control circuitry that will not only allow signals on Belgian carriers to be conducted through the metal, but will also inductively emit a general purpose Belgian Belief Field (BBF) in the presence of psychotronic radiation -- even radiation from rival mind-control factions. Worse yet, half of the 1,000 available sheets have already been sold and are on the open market for resale.

All paranoids who are building ASEs are advised to check their sources carefully to avoid purchasing Belgian aluminum sheet. An ASE constructed with this tainted product will instead turn out to be a Belgian Citizen Incubation Pod. Remember: the first signs of Belgification are cravings for chocolate.

Lyle Zapato

Cake Decorating Of Yesteryear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-20.1800 LMT | Random Found Thing | Food | Retro

Figure 1: The seductive appeal of scalloping.

From Magic for Your Table... Cake & Food Decorating By Wilton, published in 1971. It's sort of a combination cake decorating HOWTO and product catalog from Wilton Enterprises, Inc. (now Wilton Industries). Could there be retro-wackiness inside?


Lyle Zapato

ZPi Spider Mini: Your Personal Spider Assistant

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-18.9800 LMT | Crafts | Nature

Introducing ZPi Spider Mini™: Your Personal Spider Assistant!

Spider Mini™ is an innovative combination of software and hardware working in synergy to provide enterprise level arachno-assistant solutions to help expedite all your mission-critical applications. Spider Mini™ is a scalable open-source standard facilitated by just-in-time compilation that leverages fuzzy piping technology and beady-eye stickiness to bring compelling world-class interactive experiences to all users. Spider Mini™ is a ubiquitous, always-on simulation that recontextualizes best-of-breed arthropodic paradigms to emulate an intuitive yet revolutionary real-time, real-world interpersonal dynamic that disintermediates competing e-solutions such as Clippy™ or Bonzai Buddy™. Spider Mini™ will seamlessly integrate into your work environment and is fully cross-platform compatible. Spider Mini™ implements an on-demand, user-centric strategy to transform e-business into yippee!-business and empower increased productivity. And of course, Spider Mini™ features a bleeding-edge front-end and a web-ready back-end. You should expect nothing less from ZPi.

Spider Mini™ supervises data entry tasks and Post-It™ management.

Spider Mini™ loves you, even if no one else does. Especially if no one else does! Show your initiative and make a Spider Mini™ today.

Lyle Zapato

Zaxon and Electrostatic Discharge Dangers

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-10.9990 LMT | Miscellaneous | Paraterrestrials | Technology

Two sites not at all connected for your consideration:

"My Name Is Phil"
Can you keep a secret? Phil has lots of research on paraterrestrial transmissions, a map of portals, breaking news reports, a solution to the global energy crisis involving tree sap, and anecdotes and wisdom from his medieval alien friend Zaxon. He also has his own songs and music videos for download. Do check him out when you tire of monorails and Sasquatch.
The ESD Journal
Do you gas up your car wearing nothing but a fuzzy sweater and socks, all the while talking on your cellphone? Then it's vitally important you read the ESD Journal before you die in an explosion. Includes lots of links to ESD research and anti-static devices.

The ESD Journal also links to information on lipoatrophia semicircularis (LS), a medical disorder that could become the carpal tunnel syndrome of the 21st century. LS mainly afflicts computer-using office workers and consists of a semicircular zone of atrophy of the subcutaneous fatty tissue located mostly on the upper thighs. They hypothesize that it is caused by electrostatic discharge from contact with the undersides of metal desks. Fortunately LS seems to be reversible and 95% of retired employees have no more lesions after a year. While their hypothesis is compelling, I am somewhat troubled by the fact that LS is mainly reported in so-called "Belgians". Perhaps the condition is really the result of the cramped quarters inside Belgian Citizen Pods.

Lyle Zapato

More Monorail Mayhem

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-06.7200 LMT | Monorail Danger

...This time at the San Diego Wild Animal Park, where the monorail broke down, trapping 400 riders in the bitter cold for up to four hours. According to one unfortunate rider: "I got hypothermia and my kids have bronchitis." She should count herself and her kids lucky that the monorail didn't derail and fall into the Lion Camp. There are no windows on that thing to keep the carnivores out, you know.

Reportedly zoo officials have wised up and decided that the monorail, which was sold to them by some fly-by-night monorail hucksters who aren't around anymore to supply replacement parts, is a relic. It will be replaced in total with more conventionally wheeled drive-by-wire vehicles.

(This would never happen in an enclosed, air-conditioned, and entirely lion-proof pneumatic tube pod. Granted it would be more difficult to see the frolicking antelopes and zebras in there, but what price public safety?)

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: Posta Pneumatica

The Philatelist | 2005-01-02.2500 LMT | Philately | Pneumatics

Good day and welcome to the second edition of Stamp Nook. Today we will be looking at pneumatic postal systems.


While a number of countries had pneumatic message delivery systems of some sort -- most notably the French Carte Pneumatique (or "pneu"), which was popular for sending love letters -- Italy is the only one to have issued stamps specifically for their pneumatic post. (Other countries instead used normal postal stamps or special stationary. Pity.) Italy started issuing pneumatic post stamps in 1913 for their five-city system and continued issuing until 1966, for a total of twenty-three stamps, including minor variations.

The stamp shown here is a 1945 Italian posta pneumatica issue (Scott D18) with a suspicious looking portrait of Galileo Galilei, based on Justus Sustermans' 1636 painting of Galileo at age 72. Galileo presumably was featured on a pneumatic post stamp for his work determining the vertical limit on suction pumps, which he set at 18 braccia. A similar design was previously used on an issue from 1933 (D16), and both were accompanied by issues of lesser face value that featured Dante Alighieri (D15 & D17), no doubt in honour of his literary contributions on the subject of subterranean travel.

Although Italy stopped issuing new pneumatic stamp designs in 1966, their system was apparently still in operation in 1974, but I am unable to find any more information on it.

Not including the heavily modernized system operated by the Republic of Cascadia Postal Authority (which hasn't issued any pneumatic stamps yet, but there's always hoping...), the only remaining pneumatic post system from the Golden Age of Pneumatic Tubes is in Prague. The Prague Pneumatic Mail System entered operation in 1899 for use in sending telegrams and was still in operation until the floods of 2002 (it is undergoing repairs). In it's later years the system has been used primarily by banks for sending original documents and by Czech Telecom to detect leaks in the adjacent gas lines. Quite a sad state of affairs. For more details, see: "I got root on the Prague Pneumatic Post".

Lyle Zapato

Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-25.1300 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | NWO | General Paranoia
Aluminum Tree

Paranoids are finding it increasingly difficult to obtain vintage Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Trees (SADTs), with prices currently starting at over US$400 and supplies dwindling.

Originally manufactured in the late 1950s as a way to arborescentally deflect multiple signals from stop-motion TV specials at the back of viewers' heads, thereby creating a holographic mind-control effect, a serious flaw in their design was discovered by paranoid researchers that allowed them to be used as psychotronic dampeners by simply adjusting the branch angles based on the Fibonacci numbers. Realizing their mistake, the NWO used negative propaganda in Charley Brown cartoons to dissuade the mass consumption of aluminum trees, but paranoids in the know were still able to obtain used ones cheaply through the black market.

In an apparent attempt to stop this, the NWO is using it's control over the affluent hipster and kitschophile communities (through such fronts as Hammacher Schlemmer and Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc.) to artificially increase the demand, making vintage devices difficult to come by. Furthermore, I suspect that they have figured a way around the Fibonacci bug and are manufacturing new, unafflicted versions, which, because of their crowd madness management, will sell like hot cakes next year when the prices are lowered. Paranoids should avoid these newer models.

What's so great about SADTs? Professor Hans Delbruck, in the ZPi guestbook, explains:

Aluminum trees have a para-branch effect which blocks the increased commercial psychotronic radiation at this time of year. Aluminum trees conserve habitat for the tree octopus and the Sasquatch. The Austin Powers-like effect of the revolving colored light box that one places under the tree has a soothing effect on the advanced paranoid hominoid, which is particularly valuable when used with full AFDBification and wrapping of gifts in aluminium foil.

Some links:

UPDATE 2008-12-17: Gather 'round your Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree and sing that classic paranoid tune, O Alumbaum!.