ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
Lyle Zapato

Backyard Aluminum Foundry

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-28.3220 LMT | Aluminum

Darus' Coffee Can Foundry Mark II can produce ingots of aluminum on the cheap from miscellaneous scraps. Useful for serious paranoids looking to cast aluminum helmets or experimenting with homebrew psychotron cores.

(via hack a day)

Lyle Zapato

The Brussels Beast... It Grows

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-24.1200 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | General Paranoia

As has been widely reported, the US DOD is creating a database of students, ostensibly as a means to aid in effective recruitment. While the Pentagon has collected the data itself, processing will be subcontracted to a private database marketing firm.

Their name? BeNOW.

Do I even need to explain this one? As you should be aware, "Be" is the official brandmeme of the Belgian Conspiracy -- designed to hijack the psycholinguistic receptors for the concept of existence in the minds of English speakers -- and "NOW" is clearly an anagram of "NWO". (Also, check out the logo for BeNOW's "MVP Technology," what they call the giant computer they use to calculate all there is to know about you. Look familiar?)

Obviously this shadowy company -- whose website is short on details and long on generic marketeering buzzbabble -- is just a poorly concealed front for the Belgian Conspiracy in their scheme to transform everyone into Belgian citizens through a process of identity subversion (see my post on Belgian Identity Theft for more on this process).

They will now have access to name, gender, address, birthday, Social Security number, email address, ethnicity, telephone number, graduation dates, grade-point average, education level, military test scores, and who knows what else for all students aged 16 and older in the US. Cross-referenced with data collected by their business partner DoubleClick, that's more than enough information with which to subvert identities and turn an entire generation into Belgians.

The Monorailist

Movie Review: Batman Begins

The Monorailist | 2005-06-18.8290 LMT | Entertainment | Monorail Danger

Batman Begins isn't so much a Hollywood summer blockbuster as a Hate Crime against the Future.

[SPOILERS]

The first act seemed innocent enough. We are thrust into the story of Bruce Wayne's tumble into the dark cave of fear and hate -- precipitated respectively by a traumatic childhood bat-attack and his guilt over his parents' murder by a mugger that resulted from his chiropteran fears. It begins, without so much as opening credits, in the midst of his Dantean trip into the underworld of crime, searching for the Ways of Wrongdoers and the means to stop them, and leads to his fiery rebirth from the Himalayan hideout of the League of Shadows as a Dark Avenger against Crime.


Batman costume ironically on display in the Sky Church in the EMP, through which the Monorail traverses.

But all this Sturm und Drang is just a façade, cobbled together from well-tread comicbook plots and backstory outlines, for director Christopher Nolan's real agenda: anti-monorail agitprop.

The gleaming monorail system that runs through Gotham in Bruce Wayne's childhood flashbacks -- made stereotypically retro in design by the art director to suggest it belongs to a future passed -- is at the center of both the city -- its rails spoke out from the hub of Wayne Tower -- and the film. It is showcased during a pivotal scene in which Bruce's father explains to him the troubles of Gotham. We learn that the monorail was built by him as a symbol of Hope and Unity for a city faltering on the verge of Poverty and Despair. This portentous scene takes place during a Wayne family trip to the opera that will result in the parental deaths at the heart of the Batman mythos. Here we see the monorail as grim Charon, ferrying the Waynes to their doom.

Years later, after Bruce Wayne's return to Gotham as the Batman, the monorail has become a symbol of degradation, covered in graffiti and sparsely occupied by muggers and Mafia hitmen. The propaganda message here is clear: Monorails are a False Hope and city planners would do well to reject them as a means to Urban Renewal.

But this isn't the final depth to which Nolan's propaganda will sink.

We eventually learn that the monorail is to become a tool of the League of Shadows, lead by immortal archvillain Ra's Al Ghul, to destroy Gotham by using it as a transport for a microwave weapon that will vaporize the water in the pipes that run beneath the monorail line, unleashing the fear-inducing psychotropic drug that the League has surreptitiously poisoned Gotham's water supply with, thereby hurling the city into chaos. So in the end, the plot is this: Only by destroying the monorail can Gotham be saved. If we were to believe the filmmakers, monorails attract terrorists and ninjas, lead to Madness, and need to be demolished for any hope of Salvation.

(I think it's fair to say that the anti-monorail motives of the filmmakers were shaped by their love of SUVs, as evidenced by the worshipful portrayal of the tank-like Batmobile. Upon seeing the Batmobile, Police Sergeant Gordon enthuses: "I got to get me one of these!" He later goes on to use the Batmobile to blow up the monorail. Not exactly subtle.)

As further evidence that the whole film was thrown together for the sole purpose of attacking monorails, consider the poorly thought-out doomsday scheme of the League of Shadows. If the microwave weapon were capable of vaporizing the Gotham City water supply, why did it not also vaporize the aqueous portions of the Gothamites? Why did the eyeballs of those in the Narrows not explode when their vitreous liquid was made gaseous by the microwaves? The only possibly explanation -- apart from an abject lack of understanding of Science on the part of the writers well beyond the norm for even the most curmudgeonly Ludditic anti-monorailist -- is that the filmmakers started with the idea that the monorail was to be destroyed and only later came up with a slapdash reason why. Their limited imaginations, typical of those who dismiss monorails, were simply not up to the task.

As I left the IMAX theater at the Pacific Science Center and took the Seattle Monorail back to my apartment, I was left shaking my head in befuddlement as to why a prestigious Center of Science would agree to show such an unscientific, hateful film so out of touch with the self-evident wonders of the Monorail so near to them. Is not the goal of Science a truer understanding of our World for the Embetterment of Mankind? How is that goal served by attacking what is not only the most significant discovery of Modern Science -- the Principle of Monorailular Transit -- but also the only means of lifting Humanity up out of its congestion, both traffic and moral, and into the sky so that we may ride swiftly and confidently into our Destined Future? It is not served at all by that, I say! Rest assured that I will be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the Science Center's Ombudsman.

As for Batman Begins, on a railular scale from one to five (one being a Supreme Achievement of the Human Soul and a Shining Beacon of Hope for our Children, five being Ignominious Refuse for the Junkpile of History), I give it four rails.

Lyle Zapato

GPM #14: Hug A Tree & Jerry The Moose

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-14.6470 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (aka the Mounties) have a suggestion for kids lost in the forest:

Hug-a-Tree and Survive!

The tree GPM on their logo doesn't have a name that I can find, but he does have a strategically placed maple leaf... which the kids seem to be reaching for... which he seems a little too happy about...

OK. I think the Mounties are hinting at who, or rather what, they turn to to ease the loneliness of stoically riding around the vast Canadian wilderness all day. Moving quickly along...

If hugging a tree is too creepy, Jerry the Moose (from the North Cascadian prefecture of British Columbia's Ministry of Water, Land, and Air Protection,) has an alternate suggestion:


Make yourself BIG when lost!

Searchers will easily spot you if you're taller than the tree tops, so find a clearing and will yourself to grow. You can do it!

If however you're one of those few abnormal kids who are always picked on by their peers since they lack rapid-grow abilities, remember to bring along an orange garbage bag and a whistle. When lost, put the bag over your head and while away the time waiting to be rescued by pretending to be a whistling orange ghost (just be sure to put a hole in the bag to breathe or you'll end up an actual ghost).

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMAN ARTIST STALKING US!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-06-13.5800 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Art

Human artist Jill Miller is stalking Sasquatch in the forests of Southern Cascadia!! She claims it is "performance art" and calls it "Waiting for Bigfoot"!! -- WHY ARE HUMANS ALWAYS OBSESSED WITH OUR FEET?!! Is it because theirs are so puny?! -- She will be putting spy cameras around the forest that will send live pictures of Sasquatch to Norwich Gallery in Human city of San Francisco where effete, black-turtleneck-wearing Humans will treat unsuspecting Sasquatch as texts to be read all the while fantasizing about our feet!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Perverted Human artists must justify their "performance art" to councils of elder Humans in order to get continued supplies of Human feed that they are unwilling to gather on their own... LISTEN TO THE HUMAN'S ARTSY FARTSY SQUEEKINGS:

Miller postulates that Bigfoot is a metaphor for the natural human desire for mystery and the unknown. In an age that is hallmarked by scientific investigation, Western societies are occupied with the desire to know everything, such as determining how to stop the aging process, or defining which compounds comprise the surface of Mars. Scientific instruments are finely tuned to both our macro and microcosms. Carl Jung explains in Psychology and the Occult that despite the age of materialism and rationalistic enlightenment in Western societies, intense scientific and public interest in ESP, spirits, and invisible forces flourish. Scientific inquiry, in a pure academic approach, does not refute the unknown, but opens doors to pursuing it. Artist Jill Miller is interested in peeling back the layers of fear, irony, and pop culture that surround Bigfoot and creating a space that will generate larger questions of belief and inquiry.

I AM NOT A METAPHOR!!! What does any of that have to do with putting spy cameras in our forests?! Why don't Humans learn to make real art, like MOSS SCULPTURES, BARK MOSAICS, or PINECONE MOBILES?! THOSE LOOK NICE AND EVERYONE CAN ENJOY THEM!!!

Maybe I should make my own "performance art" by going to Norwich Gallery and pummelling it to the ground with boulders!! I will call my work: "HUMANS ARE A METAPHOR FOR PUMMELED MEAT!!!"

Lyle Zapato

Made In Belgium

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-08.3300 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Paraterrestrials

Grouse! makes a sinister discovery in the drug paraphernalia aisles of Australia: "Tally Ho Exposed".

Of course, "made in Belgium" is an impossibility since a country that does not exist cannot be home to manufacturing facilities. So why is the Belgian Conspiracy trying to trick hapless Australian smokers?

Most likely this is just part of their wider campaign to promote Belgian superiority. By saying that Belgian-made rolling papers are "Australia's Finest", Australians are being told that the best they can ever hope for is to adopt all things Belgian. It also wouldn't be beneath the Conspiracy to enhance that message through psychotropical doping of the papers, much like they do with "Belgian" beer (which, incidentally, they have been promoting in Australia for years through Belgian re-education & "recruitment" centers run by the shadowy Belgian organization Interbrew).

While this is typical Belgian sneakery and not the least bit surprising, doing some more research I made a truly startling discovery. Searching for "made in Belgium" brought up this site: MadeInBelgium.be, which turns out to be an arm of MIB.be. That's right... Belgian foreign trade is really a front for the Men In Black!

Or perhaps it's the other way around. Some have theorized that MIB agents are really Simulacra androids (as evidenced by their monotone speech, synchronized movements, smooth skin, and ability to cloud people's mind as if they had built-in psychotrons). Simulacra are built by Imagineers working for Disney Corp and the Belgian Conspiracy hosts it's Belgium Simulation and Citizen Pod complex under a Disney Corp installation. Could it be that the Conspiracy are the ones manufacturing and operating these particular Simulacra out of their Eurodisneyland base? That the Men in Black really are, in a sense, made in Belgium? Maybe even the commonly used name "Men in Black" was a back-formation from the acronym "MIB" (used similarly to the "GI" acronym for soldiers) seen stamped on their Belgian-made bodies, which one of their victims mistook as a more literal description.

But then why are the Belgians interested in covering up Paraterestrial activities? Are they simply being contracted by higher factions in the NWO with ties to the Reticulans or is there something else going on? And what is the connection with the false reports of UFOs in Belgium which were perpetrated by the Conspiracy?

Clearly more research is needed. Stay tuned for further discoveries. In the mean time, don't smoke anything!

Kofi Annan

UN Food Force

Kofi Annan | 2005-06-05.0110 LMT | Entertainment | Food

Teh Food Force!!!

Yo, Kofi here! My dawgs at the UN came up with this kickass game called WFP Food Force! GO FOOD FORCE!!! It's like totally educational and sooo much better than that American Army game!

I pwnd those starvin Sheylaneseian fugees! Eat UN energy pacs!!! And local rebel forces got nothin on my mad 'gotiatin skillz! loooool!!!

My player name is kofi_hotness38... see if u can beat my score! (It's not much, but I gots the UN to run and I can only play for a couple hours a day... but this summer I'm gonna totally take first place away from password300 of China! W00T!!!)

Lyle Zapato

Psychotropically Enhanced Beer

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-30.0710 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia | Food

A reader asks:

Dear Lyle,

A member of our county School Board has asked me what psychotropically enhanced beer is. What should I tell him?

Thanks,

[Name withheld]

Psychotropically enhanced beer is beer that has been enhanced, either during the fermentation process or later, with chemical substances that affect the perceptions of the drinker, making him or her more susceptible to various types of mind control.

The Belgian Conspiracy is well known to use psychotropically enhanced beer to make those targeted for Belgification more readily shanghaiable by causing them to perceive Belgians as family and Belgium as home. The Conspiracy's promotion of the aptly named Trappist beer is one of the primary ways they gain fresh bodies to put in Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland.

Athleticists have also been known to employ psychotropic enhancement, both in sports drinks and beer served at games, the latter to make fans more rabidly loyal to "their" team and loosen their minds to the psychotronic signals that are deflected off of aluminum baseball bats into the stands.

More disturbingly on an existential level, beer has been psychotropically enhanced since its very discovery. Barley, historically the primary ingredient of beer, evolved the ability to use a symbiotic relationship with various fungus species of the genus Claviceps to psychotropically weaken the minds of humans who consumed it to the subtle psychotronic abilities inherent in the grass family, giving the plants control over the humans.

In fact, it is widely believed among paranoid historians that Humanity owes its advanced societal development to this grassy manipulation of early humans, first through bread then later beer and other drinks such as kykeon -- manipulation that has culminated in a slave species that tends to the grasses' needs and whims, freeing the grasses to finally attain sentiency and communicate with paraterrestrials via a complex language of circles. (One dark theory maintains that the grasses are actually the ones ultimately pulling all the strings of the NWO, as evidenced by the symbolic circling of the world by two stylized ears of wheat on the UN logo. However, this is controversial.)

I hope this answers your questions about psychotropically enhanced beer.

Lyle Zapato

Belgain Identity Cards

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-29.7100 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia

Further evidence (as if it were needed) of the fictional nature of "Belgium": so-called Belgians can't even get the spelling of their own country's name right. They claim the mistake is intentional, to foil counterfeiters, but clearly someone in the NWO is having a hard time keeping their silly make-believe names straight.

This misspelled card is part of the Belgian Conspiracy's plan to steal everyone's identities and turn them into Belgians. While at first the cards will only be issued as virtual versions to the Conspiracy's mindslaves plugged into Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland, eventually actual physical Identity Cards will be introduced throughout the world, thus giving the Conspiracy control over our very identities. The groundwork for this is already being laid in North America and Europe.

Five years after that happens, when you get your updated card and find your name is now Luc Peeters and you work in a chocolate factory in Liège, you'll have no recourse but to accept your new identity. If the card says it is so, then it is so.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-05-27.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

I have just heard howl that a Human cryptozoologist cabal is gathering in the place they call Bellingham! They will be there today, tomorrow, and the next day holding what they call the Sasquatch Research Conference... But they are not Sasquatch researching Sasquatch culture or Sasquatch interests, THEY ARE HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!! They want to spy on us at night and listen in on our howls! They call it "PROJECT NIGHTWATCH"!!

HUMANS SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!! You don't see Sasquatch listening in as human Tom Yamarone makes his squeeky Human howls (AS IF WE WOULD WANT TO!!) or spying on Human Loren Coleman's mating rituals! LEAVE US ALONE, PERVERTED HUMANS!!

And while I am howling about local events... why are there no Sasquatch artists at the SASQUATCH!!! Music Festival?! They didn't even bother to include Migoi whistlers on the third-tier Yeti stage! All the artists are Human and Pixie! PIXIES DON'T EVEN EXIST!! First Humans steal grunge music from us and now they exclude us from our own music festival and replace us with make-believe winged leprechauns! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE FOR SASQUATCH?!?!