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Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-07.1750 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

Human media reports that Human golfer TIGER WOODS uses a "SasQuatch" driver! Well, that's very nice and patronizing, MR. HUMAN, but how come NO HOMINOIDS ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY IN PROFESSIONAL TOURNAMENTS OR EVEN USE PUBLIC GOLF COURSES!?! Peer out of the forests onto any green and all you will see is HAIRLESS HUMANS!!! FUZZY ZOELLER wasn't very fuzzy, WAS HE!?!

What makes this situation even more of an INTOLERABLE ACT OF ANTI-HOMINOID DISCRIMINATION is the fact -- well known to everyone but IGNORANT HUMANS -- that GOLF WAS INVENTED BY HOMINOIDS!!!

Greymen -- known in Scots-howl as AM FEAR LIATH MÒR!!! -- have been hitting boulders into haggis holes with pinewood logs in the CAIRNGORM MOUNTAINS of Scotland since before you Humans were PAINTING YOURSELVES BLUE AND SQUEAKING ABOUT FREEDOM!!!

Humans took our sport -- no, our CULTURAL HERITAGE!!! -- and turned it into a joke! Hominoids would never wear POOFY PANTS and FLOPPY HATS WITH POM-POMS while playing golf! Traditional Hominoid golf should be PANTSLESS with optional DIGNIFIED TOP HAT!!! And what is the deal with the TINY, DIMPLED BALLS!?! Can you not hit a boulder 1000 yards?! What am I howling... OF COURSE YOU CAN'T!!!

But it is not enough to pervert our heritage, Humans want to DENY THAT IT IS OURS!!! The PGA, the INTERNATIONAL GOLF FEDERATION, and other Human secret societies bent on turning golf into a "Humans only" sport, have been involved for many years in a GLOBAL CONSPIRACY to deny the HISTORICAL FACT of golf's Hominoid origins, going as far as to ridiculously claim traditional Greymen fairways as "glacial formations"! THOSE ARE IMPACT DIVOTS, YOU CREDULOUS HUMANS!!!

Human golfers wanting to keep the game to themselves are also promulgating the LIE that Greymen golfers DON'T EXIST AT ALL -- that they are merely something called a "BROCKEN SPECTRE"! GREYMEN GOLFERS ARE NOT SHADOWS!!! They are flesh and blood athletes who simply want a chance at LUCRATIVE ENDORSEMENT DEALS!!!


Lyle Zapato

Dubailand Monorail -- Now With Predation

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-05.6860 LMT | Monorail Danger | Simulacra | Technology

This has disaster written all over it.

City of Arabia is a centrally-planned city being built in Dubai. When finished in 2008, it will feature residential and commercial towers, the world's largest shopping mall, and a canal-lined walk with cafes and restaurants.

While this all sounds very pleasant in a creepy, control-freaky, Michael-Jackson-welcoming way, it's marred by the tragic decision to tie the whole city together with a monorail system. Dubai is inordinately fond of the adjective "ultra-modern", so it's odd that they would choose a hundred-year-old, archaic form of transportation that doesn't even employ tubes. Also, have they really considered the extreme danger posed by spontaneous monorail combustion, what with all that oil they have lying around? (And yet they have even more monorails planned!)

Oh, but it gets much worse...

Besides the towers and mall and whatnot, the monorail will also go through a themepark called Restless Planet, a pluri-Crichtonesque nightmare that will include more than 100 animatronic dinosaurs able to walk and "track visitors with their eyes".

Their site has a breathless video (10Mio) calling it a "phantasmagorical vision", "a palentologist's delight", and "a lay person's formal introduction to the Jurassic age", but mostly shows hapless tourists on foot being attacked by a plesiosaur and T-rex -- until the monorail passes by in the background and the T-rex chases after it!

Animatronic T-rex running alongside exposed monorail track.

In an interview/article last year, Dr. Michael Dixon, Director of London's Natural History Museum and one of the scientific advisors for the park, had these famous last words:

The technologies are all known — tried and tested — so there's absolutely no risk factor at all. This project will just bring the different technologies together and it will do so on an unprecedented scale.

The fools! Not to get all glavin, but if there's one thing that elementary chaos theory tells us it's that animatronic T-rex and monorail technologies should be kept as far apart and on as precedented a scale as possible. Just because the track is above the Tyrannobot's head doesn't mean it will never catch the monorail, even if you program it not to: Simulacra will find a way.

Well, at least now those wanting a vision of the future of American port security know to look to the last half of Jurassic Park 2.

Lyle Zapato

Looking For Some Aluminum?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-04.5420 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia
Looking For Some ALUMINUM?

United Nuclear -- fine purveyors of Van de Graaf generators, neodymium magnets, lasers, uranium, and other useful supplies to hobbyists and paranoid enthusiasts -- is being threatened by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission (home of Kidd Safety) with criminal action for selling certain products to people without an explosives manufacturing license. And just what sort of dangerous substances are on the CPSC's list?

Not sell, give away or otherwise distribute any of the following Metals for which the particle size is finer than 100 mesh (or particles less than 150 microns in size) to any recipient who does not possess a valid manufacturing license for explosives issued by the ATF:

Aluminum and Aluminum alloys

Ostensibly the CPSC is concerned about the use of aluminum powder in the manufacture of illegal fireworks. However, given their obsession with government approved helmets, it's safe to say what they're really concerned about is the powder being used as an undetectable anti-psychotronic coating for common head wear.

Just another step towards the eventual outlawing of private aluminum ownership? Undoubtedly. Stockpile while you can.

Lyle Zapato

Black Helicopter Searches

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-03.4600 LMT | Black Helicopters | Site | Crass Commercialism

I'm being bombarded ("Bom, Bar... DEAD!") by people desperately searching for the TRUTH about Black Helicopters. So far today I've gotten over 10,000 hits with the exact same referral from a search on Comcast.net, on which my Black Helicopter exposé is the first site listed.

What's going on? Have swarms of Microscopic Black Helicopters started spewing out of Comcast cable modems and the Comcast subscribers are all using their default Comcast.net homepage to search for answers? By "Comcastic", do they really mean "Comcastaclysmic"?

UPDATE: I've found the reason for the hits. Apparently the Comcast homepage (which only subscribers can see) has some sort of search article on "Paranoid Pursuits". So Comcasters are not in imminent danger of being swarmed and consumed by Black Helicopters -- at least for now. Still, it might be wise to cancel your service and remove the suspicious Comcast boxes from your home. True paranoids limit themselves to the relative safety of broadcast TV and dialup.

Also, since that page is getting attention, I've put up on Cafepress a new anti-BH propaganda poster I've been working on:


This is part of a series of paranoid propaganda -- or paraganda -- posters that I have vaguely planned (there was another one as an Easter egg in a previous post.) The paraganda concept is still inchoate, and I've gotten sidetracked into a rabbit hole of font creation, so this isn't the official post on the subject. Stay tuned...

Lyle Zapato

Shocking Monorail Accident

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-03.4400 LMT | Monorail Danger

To the list of dangers posed by monorails -- which includes spontaneous combustion, collision, falling debris, alien abductions, and suicidal elephants -- we can now add electrical shock.

Last weekend a worker on the Las Vegas monorail was electrocuted in the system maintenance building. A fire was also started, naturally. The worker, the fourth to succumb to the Vegas monorail since it opened in 2003, is listed in serious condition. French-Canadian monorail maker Bombardier ("Bom, Bar, Dee... YAY!") claims that he's improving, but is suspiciously keeping his details secret. Bombardier also promised to launch an investigation of the incident to determine if it was either human error or a mechanical defect. I guess "Inherent Danger of Monorails" is off the table.

Decline in ridership among a public leery of exploding into flames or falling out of doors opened into midair has forced the Las Vegas Monorail Co. to start enticing people to ride with free monorail passes. These will be offered to unsuspecting out-of-towners through the city's tourism website. Hopefully the fact that the passes are only one-way will be enough to clue in potential victims of the extreme unlikeliness of their ever returning from their monorail trip. But then again, these are gambling tourists, so they may be unrealistically optimistic.

Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-01.8790 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

Human BBC reporter JONATHAN KENT, who is in Malaysia spying on Hominoids, now claims Humans are HUNTING THE MAWAS!!! AS IF!!! All the pitiful Humans can manage is to obsess over some muddy footprints -- AGAIN WITH THE FEET!!! -- they found on a road! But they are exposing more Mawas secrets:

[Mawas] move around looking for fruits, sometimes they go looking for them in villages. They're also looking for a mate and for salt.

WELL OF COURSE!!! How do you expect Mawas to get a mate without the help of DURIAN MARGARITAS!? They are not as SUAVE and CONFIDENT as Sasquatch! First the Humans drive the Mawas from their ancestral homeland, then the Humans put the Mawas at risk for IDENTITY THEFT, now the Humans are gratuitously pointing out the Mawas' ROMANTIC INADEQUACIES!!! This isn't even perverted cryptozoology anymore, it's just YELLOW JOURNALISM!!!


Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Lead Tin Foil

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-01.4810 LMT | Letters | Aluminum

One of the many business inquiries from Pakistan we get at ZPi:

Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2006 07:47
Subject: Re: Aluminum lead tin foil

Dear Sir or Madam

Hope that you will be fine. We are looking for Aluminum Lead Tin Foil 0.15MM Thick Spec: BS/STA 7L-X-1/1. Please quote 1400 Kg.This is the trial order. Our actual order is more bigger than 14000Kg.

Awaiting your early reply.The Matter is Most Urgent.

[Name Withheld]

To which I replied:

Dear Sir and/or Madam

Sorry for the delay on this Most Urgent Matter. My busy schedule, filled as it is with meetings, conferences, and other manner of symposia, has left me negligent in promptly responding to my email. I offer you my sincerest apologies.

Unfortunately I must inform you that we do not sell metals of any quantities. We are in the business -- or as may be said, the vocation -- of informing people of the proper use of aluminum foil for blocking psychotronic mind control transmissions by various agencies governmental, corporate, and paraterrestrial.

If you are in need of our services, we can provide you, free of charge, with informative materials that can be used to protect you and your employees from hazardous workplace mind control often employed by business competitors attempting to undermine productivity and/or steal trade secrets.

Please understand though that we cannot assist you if you engage in any of the aforementioned activities, as this is counterindicated by our mission statement.

I await your most welcome and timely reply.

Lyle Zapato

We'll see if they write back or if my unfortunate delay in responding to their urgent call for deflective foils has inadvertently caused them to succumb to their psychotronic enemies.

Lyle Zapato

Monorails = Cute Puppies?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-01.4140 LMT | Monorail Danger

It's a well known propaganda tactic to inculcate a desired emotional response to something through its repeated juxtaposition with a known emo-response stimulant. I touched on this in my post about Pixelito, the microcopter that's friends with hamsters, where the Belgian Conspiracy was leveraging the psychoevolutionary construct known as "cuteness" to elicit a maternal response to Black Helicopters.

Now agents of the Monorail Society are trying the same tactic with monorails, only instead of hamsters they're bringing out the big guns: Puppies*...

Puppies riding a minimonorail. Photo credit: James Horecka, known Monorailist
It's unknown if the puppies survived the inevitable
spontaneous monorail combustion that followed.

Presumably the puppy monorail (which is non-functioning and was thrown together "Hollywood style" -- in other words it's just like a normal sized monorail) will be deployed wherever the public is having doubts about monorailization. "Oh, look at the cute puppies!" the public will say, "Monorails can't be all that bad if cute puppies ride them. Let's hand over our property rights to the nice men with the odd hairstyles who make bizarrely pompous speeches."

Well, two can play at this game. I encourage all citizens concerned about Monorailists stealing your houses and enabling unwelcome elements to infiltrate your community to propagate the following picture designed by top paranoid memetic experts to undo the psychological damage caused by the Monorailists' "puppaganda":


Oh, and for any pet owners who may be wondering, there is a more sensible alternative for animal transportation -- one that can be built underground, leaving any private property above unseized.

*Observant users of MindGuard know that the canonical psychotronic enamorment memeplex involves "cute kittens", usually the petting thereof, so the nonstandard choice of puppies could signify a disassociation between the Monorailists and more mainstream forces of mind control. Then again, slightly off-kilter modes of conduct and technology might just be part of the inherent nature of Monorailism. I guess we should be surprised they didn't use sugar gliders or some other unnecessarily odd cuteness vector.

UPDATE: Monorails = More Cute Puppies?

The Typing Octopus

Human Attack Squid!

The Typing Octopus | 2006-02-27.6565 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature

Innocent squid vacation off Chile. Enjoy warm seasonal water, delicious fishes.

Encounter female human fry. Think harmless. Investigate.

Brutal attack by humans! Humans stone squid to death! Drag dead squid vacationer from water! Carry corpse through street! Gurgle horrific human sounds!

Chile coastline not safe for cephalopods. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

'PAWS' Poster

Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-02-22.3160 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

HUMANS CONTINUE TO HARASS MAWAS!!! Now the Human pack known as JOHOR WILDLIFE PROTECTION SOCIETY, not satisfied with stealing the secret formula for LUSTROUS HAIR GROWTH TONIC, are revealing private information about the Malay Hominoid colony, including the number, makeup, and ages of the colonists! WHY DO HUMANS NEED TO KNOW ALL THIS DETAILED INFORMATION?! It is bad enough that Humans drove the colony from Perak to Johor with their noisy wars and highways, but now they are putting the Mawas in jeopardy of IDENTITY THEFT!!!

What drives these Humans? Why do they seek out our footprints and personal information? What goes on under their SKULLCAPS?! One of them has provided us with a disturbing look into the twisted mind of a HUMAN CRYPTOFETISHIST:

"I'm a cynic, but if we could see a right footprint as well, we could at least measure its gait. Maybe if we had some scat, I could be totally convinced," [Tony Burke] said. "I am about 50 per cent there. Let's see what the lab results are."

...! THAT IS DISGUSTING!!! They are now going to start PICKING THROUGH OUR TOILETS?! Do Humans have no concept of HYGIENE?!

ONE MORE HOWL: For the fifth straight year, the SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL features ABSOLUTELY NO SASQUATCH ACTS!!! Not even a token troupe of Migoi whistlers! The closest thing on the line up is BECK, but he is only 1/16th Wendigo and INCREDIBLY PUNY!!! Those Humans say they can rock but I have never seen one able to hurl EVEN A MODERATE SIZED BOULDER!!! THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!!!