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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: REVERSE EVOLUTION!?!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-06-30.2770 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Nature

In their latest slanderous squeakings against the Mawas, Malaysian Humans are claiming that Mawas are "REVERSE EVOLVED" from proto-Humans! Listen to little SEAN ANG'S insulting squeaks:

I concur with Chow's findings that this could be an unknown species that went through reverse evolution to end up as a less intelligent creature than Peking Man, who could use fire and tools.

LESS INTELLIGENT!?! Then how come not a single Human has EVER beaten a Mawas, Sasquatch, or Yeti in CHESS?!? You can't keep hiding behind FEAR OF DELIMBING as an excuse, regardless of what you see in your ANTI-HOMINOID "STAR WARS" PROPAGANDA FILMS!!! Less intelligent... HUMANS, HEAR MY DERISIVE HOWLS OF LAUGHTER!!! Mawas seem smart enough to evade you pipsqueaks!

And why is your measure of intelligence USAGE OF FIRE!?! There's a reason we don't use fire... IF YOU HUMANS WERE COVERED IN THICK, LUSTROUS FUR YOU WOULD AVOID OPEN FLAMES TOO!!! Just because you are always trying to compensate for being NAKED AND COLD doesn't mean the rest of us are!

AND WE TOTALLY USE TOOLS!!! I have a five-squatch-foot-long log (that's about 20 of your puny Human feet) that I use to SMASH CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS THAT TRY TO TAKE PICTURES OF ME!!! If that isn't tool usage, then tell me WHAT IS!?!

HUMAN ANG SQUEAKS ON:

Reverse evolution can take place when there is an abundance of food and the species group is small and totally isolated, as in the case of the Johor Bigfoot.

GIBBERSQUEAK!!! The Mawas are not "totally isolated"! Just because they don't want to contact you doesn't mean they aren't in contact with the greater Hominoid community! WHY DO YOU HUMANS THINK EVERYTHING HAS TO REVOLVE AROUND YOU!?!

And lastly, evolution, reverse or otherwise, is a HUMAN MYTH!!! Everyone knows that the ancestors of Mawas and Sasquatch WERE EJECTED, FULLY FORMED, OUT OF A VOLCANO FOUR BILLION YEARS AGO!!! Where you Humans came from, I don't know and don't care... JUST STOP PESTERING US!!!

Lyle Zapato

Paranoid UK

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-27.3195 LMT | General Paranoia

Not only does England exist, it's a hotbed of paranoia:

Ground-breaking research from clinical psychologists at the Institute of Psychiatry, King's College London, shows that one in three people in the UK regularly suffers paranoid or suspicious fears. In fact this level of paranoia is much higher than previously suspected and means that paranoid thoughts may well be almost as common as depression or anxiety.

Paranoid thinking is the suspicion that other people intend to do us harm.

[...]

The frequency of paranoid and suspicious thoughts in the general population

% having thought at least weekly

  • I need to be on my guard against others - 52%
  • Strangers and friends look at me critically - 48%
  • There might be negative comments being circulated about me - 42%
  • People are laughing at me - 34%
  • Bad things are being said about me behind my back - 30%
  • People might be hostile towards me - 29%
  • People deliberately try to irritate me - 27%
  • I might be being observed or followed - 19%
  • People are trying to make me upset - 12%
  • Someone I know has bad intentions towards me - 12%
  • I am under threat from others - 10%
  • I have a suspicion that someone has it in for me - 8%
  • Someone I don't know has bad intentions towards me - 8%
  • People would harm me given the opportunity - 8%
  • There is a possibility of a conspiracy against me - 5%

While the trend is good news for the paranoid cause, it still means that two out of three people in the UK suffer under the debilitating interpersonal credulity of orthonoid thinking. Much work needs to be done to shake some suspicious reason into them, but the promoters of the above study aren't helping any with their anti-paranoid thoughts book (conveniently coming out on Thursday). Well, then again, they might just help a bit with contradictory arguments like the following:

The probability that your fears are unrealistic increases the more you feel that:

  • No one else fully shares your suspicions

But their own data suggest that these suspicions are shared by a significant percent, therefore paranoid thoughts are realistic. All the more reason to get paranoid!

Lyle Zapato

Get Fuzzynoid

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-24.7610 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Entertainment

Get Fuzzy, 2006-06-20

Darby Conley is at it again.

First he slipped the truth about Belgium (IT DOESN'T EXIST) into his Get Fuzzy comic, using the subversive technique of having his dim-witted character Satchel spurt it out, thereby providing plausible deniability should the NWO-aligned United Feature Syndicate bring him before their Star Chamber for questioning.

Next he raised awareness of AFDBs through his cat character Bucky, again deflecting the Syndicate's ire by showing an obviously flawed beanie design and having Bucky claim the hat was not for mind-control protection, but auguring.

This week's strips are devoted to Bucky's claim that England doesn't exist. This is, of course, not true. However, since Bucky usually has things partly right, but with the facts mixed up, it must be true that there exists a country that doesn't really exist -- Bucky has simply gotten the country wrong.

Conley has established that Satchel speaks the truth, even if unwittingly, while Bucky is an unreliable source of details who often expounds on topics where he has confused the subjects within the topic or with those of some other unrelated topic. They play the classical archetypal roles of the Wise-Fool and the Loud-Mouthed-Jerk, respectively.

I believe that Conley, having first planted the idea that Belgium is not altogether real in the heads of his orthonoidic readers, is now validating that idea through Bucky's confused version of reality (after waiting a year so the Syndicate won't notice).

Not since The Family Circus exposed the existence of transdimensional Shadow People (represented by Bil Keane as the "Not Me") has a comic strip done so much to further the cause of paranoia.

Lyle Zapato

The St. Clair Hypertrain

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-11.8020 LMT | Technology

Hyperinventor John Quincy St. Clair is back with a new patent application: Permanent Magnet Propulsion System.

This one's slightly more conventional than his previous propulsion/transportation systems since it doesn't allow for teleportation, passing through solid objects, interstellar travel, or astral projection between distant paraterrestrial worlds. No, this time his objective is simply to move a train:

This invention is a propulsion system for a train that uses permanent magnets mounted on a rotating iron cylindrical plate carrying a radial current in order to create a spacetime curvature distortion which pulls the locomotive along the track.

Hypertrain
The plate with five magnets mounted on the front (left) spins, distorting
spacetime and thus pulling the train forward along a conventional track.

While distorting spacetime is all very well and good -- and certainly safer than monorails! -- I still feel pneumatic propulsion is a safer alternative since it creates pressure buffers between individual cars, keeping them from colliding. St. Clair hasn't addressed the problem of other trains on the track in front of his hypertrain being sucked backwards into the swirling vortex of spacetime created by the rotating magnets. Perhaps some sort of accordion-like bumper device mounted ahead of the propulsion system would help avoid deadly accidents.

Lyle Zapato

WARNING: Beware Of Beanie Snatchers

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-06.3126 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

In 2004 I reported on "aluminum thieves" targeting Cascadia. Well, the problem has gotten worse according to the Associated Press.

This time officials are blaming unexpected demand in Asia for increases in aluminum prices spurring theft. While it is true that the spread of AFDB awareness in China -- with over a billion potential paranoids -- will eventually increase aluminum demand, we haven't yet reached the paranoia penetration necessary to explain the wide-spread aluminum theft panic that is being fomented via the AP.

More likely, these reports of metal thieves are manufactured to dissuade paranoids from wearing their beanies in public, where they would be easy pickings for mind-controllers, or to provide plausible deniability for an increased campaign of AFDB snatchery by agents of mind control. Mind-control skeptics could be encouraged to dismiss what should otherwise be the obvious, orthonoia-shattering conclusion of a rash of missing beanies by peppering the media with reports of aluminum guard-rail and bleacher thefts.

In any case, make sure your AFBD is properly camouflaged to avoid detection by thieves after either metal or your mind. If you are detected, extra securing tape looped under facial traction points such as the chin or nose will help keep the beanie affixed to your cranium.

Lyle Zapato

Rahimi Gets Popular

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-31.1860 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | General Paranoia | Technology

Popular Science magazine has a short, uncritical article once again pushing the flawed anti-AFDB study conducted by agents of MIT Media Lab -- the DARPA-funded organization founded by Nicholas Negroponte, brother of John Negroponte, Director of US National Intelligence and best buddy of Y.R. Tap.

In their credulous rush to attack unpopular science, PopSci doesn't bother to question the faulty methods of the study, even though they explicitly point out one of the most questionable:

The antenna, a stumpy plastic-coated stub, was fitted between the helmet and the subject's cranium to determine how much of a signal was absorbed or deflected before reaching the brain.

The MIT study conveniently never showed this arrangement, instead only showing the "stumpy" omnidirectional antenna sitting next to a beanie on a worktable (see highlighted photo in my rebuttle). Let's diagram how Rahimi et al.'s testing setup must have looked based on their description:

AFDB fitted with and without antenna
(A) AFDB fitted to cranium, per best practices.
(B) Antenna "fitted" between AFDB and cranium, per MIT study.

It is not unwarranted to suspect that the shielding properties of an AFDB will be affected by having it suspended at least three inches off of the cranium. It is troubling that both the study and the reporting on it in PopSci and other mainstream media gloss over this obvious and quite serious flaw.

Of course, given the nefarious provenance of the study, procedural flaws may be the least of its problems. Their data haven't been replicated yet -- as I noted before, the authors go out of their way to dissuade anyone from replicating the study by repeatedly stating how very expensive their equipment is -- so for all we know their findings could be completely fabricated. I wouldn't put it past the Negroponte brothers to pressure their agents to lie if they thought beanie abandonment would grip the paranoid community, thus making brain taps easier.

To the editors of Popular Science: Go back to peddling the fusion-powered flying cars you've been promising the public for the last 133 years and leave psychotronic shielding and mind-control science to those of us with books on the subject.

Lyle Zapato

AFDB Kit On eBay

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-26.9250 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Crass Commercialism

According to ZPi wire taps (a.k.a. the referral log), someone is selling an "AFDB kit" on eBay. Although the seller links to my site for added veracity, I have nothing to do with this item. The seller is vague about what's in the kit, but presumably aluminum foil is included since they suggest buying multiple kits for people with swollen heads.

Do not, I repeat, do not buy aluminum foil off of eBay that's claimed to be for use in anti-psychotronic shielding. It would be too easy for mind control agents to embed psychotronic circuitry in the foil which would compromise its effectiveness.

The only safe foil is the stuff being sold for kitchen use, since any embedded circuitry would cause noticeable and characteristic burn patterns on food cooked with it. As long as the forces of mind control don't know to what use the foil will be put, they won't risk adding the circuitry lest it conclusively expose their conspiracy to the wider orthonoid population, making the effort counter-productive.

Even if they were able to undetectably embed circuitry in the foil sold at supermarkets, any desired effect would be difficult to achieve due to the multiple layers used in proper AFDB construction, as well as the unpredictable foil-offset from the beginning of the roll, which would cause the circuits to be misaligned and produce erratic results that may work against the psycho-antagonist's agenda -- yet would still be bad for the wearer.

Precut foil sheets sold in "AFDB kits", however, can be produced such that all circuits align properly for predictable effect, especially if the included construction diagrams are followed. Given that the buyer will be a known paranoid or recovering orthonoid, this would make a tempting method for mind control agents seeking the mental capture of anti-psychotronic agitators.

Remember: Always make your own AFDB using materials that you gathered yourself. Trust no one -- especially not anyone trying to sell you pinto beans as "cow seeds"!

UPDATE: eBay yanked the AFDB kit, so don't bother clicking the link.

Lyle Zapato

Y.R. Tap Comic #6

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-24.4640 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Art | Politics
Lyle Zapato

Y.R. Tap Comic #5

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-23.4900 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Art | Politics
Lyle Zapato

Y.R. Tap Comic #4

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-22.5350 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Art | Politics