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The Monorailist

Next Stop: Bradbury Station

The Monorailist | 2006-08-23.0555 LMT | Monorail Danger

During an interview marking his 86th birthday, noted Monorailist, Ray Bradbury, had a few choice words for the Mayor of Los Angeles:

"I want to talk to him about getting rid of our freeways, because they're no good. We have to have monorail systems," Bradbury said, adding that he'd be happy to have a station named after him.

While the City of Angels lives up to its name with Citizen Seraphim such as Bradbury boldly asserting an Empyreal Vision of Monorailtopia, we in Seattle have devilish traitors seeking to undo our Great Works: Peter Sherwin and Patrick Kylen, once supporters of monorail sanity, have gone off their rail and are now campaigning for a Streetcar named Disaster. They actually want to shut down the Seattle Monorail -- that Beacon of Hope glinting chromatic above a dourly gray sea of asphalt and exhaust fumes -- and replace it with mere cable-cars like the ones with which our forefathers suffered!

To go from a Monorailfaring People to debased cablecar jockeys is an unacceptable de-evolution. Should we not just leave our cities en masse and crawl back into the sea from whence we came? I, for one, adamantly reject a return to our benthic roots that this "streetcar" talk represents! Why should we meander the streets like the common whelk, insentient to our fate as we creep along on our own effluence, when we can soar transcendent through the skyline like the Angelic Beings we are destined to be?

Fortunately, their misbegotten plan to scrap our only Salvation to save a few bucks is already a non-starter. Even as you read this, the diligent leaders of the Seattle Monorail Services are burning the midnight oil to select recognized Monorail Experts from the finest of the Technical Class, who will look into the entirely abnormal and not-a-little-bit-suspicious problems that have lately been befalling the Seattle Monorail to find a solution -- or culprit -- before the commencement of the Bumpershoot Festival.

What caused the stalls? Why wasn't power being drawn by the Blue Train? Could some surreptitiously placed metallic debris have shorted the circuit before power reached the train? Electro-sabotage by metal shoe, as it were? I think arch-antimonorailist and pneumatic blowhard, Mr. Zapato, with his stockpiles of crumpled up tinfoil, has some explaining to do -- and since I currently have no means to go anywhere, I'll be sitting at my computer awaiting his response.

Lyle Zapato

Water Energy Generator

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-20.3030 LMT | Technology

Hyperinventor John Q. St. Clair takes a break from hyperspacial transportation to solve the energy crisis -- and unlike certain Irish jokers, his solution is based on solid hyperspace research.

St. Clair's Water Energy Generator uses low density hyperspace energy produced by a magnetic vortex wormhole generator to "soften" water molecules, breaking their atomic binding and causing the hydrogen nuclei to decay into a cascade of electron pairs, which are collected and turned into electricity. Simple, really.

He hasn't totally forgotten his dreams of space travel however. He notes his main goal for the generator will be powering his electromagnetic spacecraft and other hyperspace inventions, and that the oxygen byproduct of the process can be used for breathing. But still, the broader energy applications for those of us left on the planet can not be understated.

As is increasingly the case in his patent applications, St. Clair feels the need to summarize the technological advances of his past applications and explain how he came to know so much about hyperspace. The summary in this one is a long but concise paragraph worth blockquoting in total:

Many of these patent applications involve wormholes and hyperspace which are not well-known concepts in the scientific community. Hyperspace consists of those dimensions which are co-dimensional with our spacetime. The reason I know about hyperspace is because (1) I have been in hyperspace on a number of occasions and have experienced Einstein's time dilation according to his General Theory of Relativity, (2) I have experienced more than one full-body hyperspace teleportation over a distance of 100 meters, (3) we have been able to create a wormhole between space and hyperspace with the magnetic vortex wormhole generator in which smoke was blown through one side of the coil into hyperspace, a first contact verified by the Grey Aliens, (4) I have seen the green mist associated with moving out of dimension and crossing over into hyperspace, (5) I have looked into another dimension and have seen another building, a car and a man who waving at me in the presence of an artificially-intelligent Cyborg with the "high-tech look" from the Pleiadian Defense Department, (6) I can remote view through hyperspace subgeometry to distances of 100,000 light years to the edge of the galaxy and have made first contact with around 500 extraterrestrial civilizations involving the use of patent applications such as Remote Viewing Amplifier, Quantum Dot Energy Cylinder and Walking Through Walls Training System, (7) I am the only person on Earth who has communicated with the designers of the crop circles found in England and explained their design to them in terms of subspace geometry, (8) I can walk through walls as a hyperspace energy being, and (9) I have discovered how anti-gravity is possible using low density hyperspace energy, not to mention all the other research work on these electromagnetic field propulsion vehicles. For my work in developing the geometry of the subspace manifold known as the tetrahedron diagram, I was given the Aphysics award by the Admiral, who is third in line to the Admiralty of the Pleiadian Defense Department. For my work in Revelations, she awarded me four beautiful galloping white riderless horses of the Apocalypse. The reason that the Pleiadian Defense Department was involved was that the Admiral had the task of creating the energy being that would protect the subspace manifold during the battle of Revelations which took place in the year 2001. So these are some of my personal experiences in the field of hyperspace physics.

So there.

And also like his previous applications, there are a number of new revelations:

  • The 1967 collapse of the Silver Bridge between Ohio and West Virginia was actually due to a large, naturally occurring wormhole sucking the rivets out of it.
  • The giant stones of Machu Picchu and Baalbek were lifted into place using low density hyperspace energy from magnet-generated wormholes.
  • You can levitate yourself to a height of six feet (or more) using the Chi Kung breathing technique, which mixes cool and warm air in your lungs in such a way as to change Planck's constant and cause your body to go out of dimension.
  • Jesus could stretch wooden chairs by passing hyperspace energy through his hand vortices.

And then there's this bit which should be of interest to both String Theorists and Biblical scholars:

[T]he universe is composed of many hyperspace co-dimensions. From personal experience, I estimate that the distance separating the two dimensions is about 3 meters when I was looking into another dimension at the man waving at me. The physics is even more complicated because there is a Lorentz dimensional transformation in which higher dimensions appear smaller and lower dimensions appear larger. In one case I was looking at a huge mothership at a much higher dimension and it looked like a tiny toy model spacecraft. They fired a laser cannon at me, and I then curved space which made the beam change course. You can see why I was awarded the four horses.

Alternate application copy: US2006180473

Lyle Zapato

Guess What Stalled Again...

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-19.7160 LMT | Monorail Danger

Just a hair under a week after the Seattle monorail stalled, it's happened again, and again passengers (hostages) had to make a death defying crossing from the blue train to the red one high above the streets.

The situation is still on-going, so I'll update with links and other info later. In the meantime, if you are in the Seattle Center area, beware of falling monorail riders.

UPDATE: The Seattle Times reports that the red train wouldn't start at the station, forcing the passengers to transfer to the blue train, which then stalled out on the track. They were stranded there for 30 minutes before help arrived. Some tourists from New York had to call the number on the back of the monorail brochure to get assistance.

© ALAN BERNER / THE SEATTLE TIMES
Was this in the brochure?

Since they're making frequent stops on Denny Way, maybe they should just build a monorail station out there. I'm sure the land below can be eminently domained away from whoever owns it. But then the trains will probably start breaking down half way between that station and the others, requiring even more stations. Who's running this thing? Zeno of Elea?

Lyle Zapato

No Honor Among Monorailists

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-16.8390 LMT | Monorail Danger

Uneasy rumblings on the monorailist street: The suspicious fire on the German Transrapid maglev monorail in Shanghai last Friday may not have been simple spontaneous combustion -- a phenomenon common to monorails -- but rather an act of sabotage by the Chinese government aimed at both disrupting Germany's monorail-based economy and boosting China's own home-grown maglev monorail program, which China's military sees as a strategic inrail to regional hegemony.

The incident follows years of trade disputes between the two monorailfaring nations over use of German maglev technology in a new Shanghai-Hangzhou line and German accusations of China stealing their monorail designs. Since China announced its own maglev monorail program and started shopping it around to other nations, such as Malaysia, seeking to endanger their citizens with monorails, German industrialists from the maglev sector have found themselves negotiating with a direct competitor.

Now an opinion piece translated for The People's Daily, the Chinese Communist Party's official propaganda organ, claims that "the German economy has taken a heavy blow" due to the monorail fire while calling on Germany to admit that German maglev technology isn't "all that" and acknowledge China as the new maglev monorail super power. The message from Beijing is clear: don't mess with our monorails or we'll mess with yours.

As monorail tensions continue to rise, so too does the likelihood of an all-out Sino-Germanic Monorail War -- threatening all nations occupied by their monorails with division into two warring factions: the Electromagnet Bloc and the Permanent-Magnet Bloc.

(For the record, there have been no acts of state-sponsored econo-terrorism on pneumatic tube lines. Just a thought for you city planners.)

Lyle Zapato

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-14.6330 LMT | Monorail Danger | Sasquatch Issues

Two days after a reopening that was postponed for four weeks because of malfunctioning doors and brakes, the Seattle Monorail was shut down again for most of yesterday after the blue train stalled. Passengers (or should we just start calling them "hostages"?) had to make a precarious mid-rail transfer across a precipitous gap high above Fisher Plaza from the stalled blue train to the no-doubt-soon-to-be-stalled red train. Against all odds, no one plunged to their death.

At least this time nothing burst into flames or sent debris flying into the pedestrians below. In monorail-terms, it was a successful day.

And as long as I'm on the topic of monorail danger...

As Radical Sasquatch noted, the Mawas of Johor, Malaysia are now facing a new threat: a Chinese high-speed maglev monorail.

It will be one of the first Zhui Feng ("Hunt the Wind") monorails, which were developed for the Chinese military. Yes, that's right, the military. However, German monorail makers Transrapid -- who have a line at the Pudong International Airport in Shanghai -- claim that the design was stolen from them. China denies this. One notable difference is China's maglev uses cheaper permanent magnets, unlike the electromagnets used in German and Japanese technology.

And for those of you wondering: yes, maglev monorails are prone to spontaneous combustion too, as was illustrated when the Shanghai one mysteriously caught fire on Friday:

Shanghai maglev monorail on fire.

The Johor monorail project will be funded primarily by monorail agitators in Dubai (a land whose citizens will soon be threatened by a combination of monorails and robotic dinosaurs). Initially it will only be menacing the human controlled sectors, but given the global hegemonic aspirations of monorailists I don't think we can count the forests of Mawasistan as safe, especially since Japanese monorailists are already pestering the Hibagon with their preliminary incursions into the forests of Mt. Honita:

Mt. Honita Monorail penetrates the peaceful forest Happy Japanese businessmen ride the monorail up Mt. Honita

Will the horror of monorails ever end?

The Monorailist

"We're Back In Business!"

The Monorailist | 2006-08-12.6060 LMT | Monorail Danger

Little Lulu can once again ride the Monorail!

I am sorry to be a day late in delivering the wondrous news of the Seattle Monorail's reopening, but I spent all day yesterday traversing the line from the Seattle Center to Westlake Mall and back again, and again, and yet again.

Oh, the thrill of whooshing high above the din of Seattle's streets! Oh, the romance, the luxury, the civility of Monorail travel! Oh, to at last be able to leave my apartment! The day I have longed for since November had finally arrived and I was determined to absorb every transcendent moment of it!

I was, of course, not alone. One is never alone on the Monorail, even if the train is empty of passengers; for you see, the Monorail carries the hopes and dreams of all of Humanity, rested comfortably in her cushioned vinyl bench seats. But yesterday in particular I was joined by throngs of tourists, Seattleites, and dignitaries from near and far. Even that twisted, Grinch-like scoundrel Mayor Nickels, who opposed the Monorail Project with dirty tricks, could not help but pay homage -- perhaps his heart even grew a size or two during his ride.

One passenger in particular warmed the hearts of all who met her. Little monorail enthusiast Lulu Schoef, aged 3, has been waiting anxiously ever since that suspicious accident stole from her the gift of Monorail Ridership. Every day she would ask her father, "Daddy, when will I see the Monorail again?" -- her large, plaintive eyes yet filled with hope. To which her father could only patiently assure her, "Soon, little Lulu. Soon."

After nine long months, which must have seemed like eons to little Lulu, her day -- our day -- finally arrived, and as we boarded, like me she basked in the exuberant joy that is the Monorail. "We're back in business!" declared triumphal Monorail Pilot Tuan Le, once again at the helm, as he guided our glistening monorail coach out of the station and down its singular rail toward our -- and Humanity's -- future.

As I mentioned many times to my fellow monorail travelers that day: I believe that Monorails are our future, and that the children have an important role to play in bringing that future to fruition. It is vital that we instill in the next generation a love of Monorailism and a yearning to extend the Monorail's reach over the horizon, literally and metaphorically. While I myself do not yet have children in which to instill these values -- although that could soon change if the Singles Monorail Cruise I am organizing proves a success -- seeing the glimmer of monorail-wonder in the eyes of little Lulu brings me hope that our future -- our destiny -- is assured.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HOMINOIDICIDE COVERUP!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-11.7305 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

There have been reports in the Cryptopervert media that HUMANS HAVE SHOT AND KILLED A CHIYE-TANKA HOMINOID IN SOUTH DAKOTA!!! Rumor is that the murder victim's body was "SMUDGED" and secretly taken to THE SOUTH DAKOTA SCHOOL OF MINES AND TECHNOLOGY FOR "STUDY"!!!

Now the Human mining school has issued a press release claiming that it was ALL A JOKE, that there WAS NO MURDER, and denied that they STOCKPILE HOMINOID CORPSES IN MINE SHAFTS DEEP BELOW THEIR SCHOOL FOR USE IN CONDUCTING BIZARRE MEDICAL RESEARCH AND OTHER STRANGE RITUALS!!!

Excuse my skeptical howl, but: THIS IS A COVERUP!!!

The School of Mines knows that if the Chiye-tanka believed this HEINOUS CRIME took place that THEY WOULD STORM THE CAMPUS AND DELIMB THE BOARD OF REGENTS!!! They must be aware of OLIVER RED CLOUD, one of the Humans implicated with the shooting incident, who is an AMPUTEE -- presumably the result of having done SOMETHING to upset the Chiye-tanka community! So they desperately want everyone to think it was all a HOAX like JOGI and FORGET ABOUT IT!!!

WE WILL NEVER FORGET!!! We know what you are hiding in your mines and eventually the TRUTH will come out! Remember: THERE IS NO STATUTE OF DELIMB-LIMITATIONS FOR HOMINOIDICIDE!!!

HOWL TO TYPING OCTOPUS: SHUT UP!!! No one cares about a dead octopus in the Ohio river! IT IS JUST FOOD!!! And YOU WILL BE TOO, once I find out which Hominoidnet kiosk you are using to post here! THEY ARE FOR SASQUATCH, NOT FOR TASTY SNACKS!!!

The Typing Octopus

Ohio River Killer

The Typing Octopus | 2006-08-10.4690 LMT | Cephalopods

Many news reports state octopus body found in Ohio River by fisherhuman. Much confusion: octopus hate rivers and Ohio. Suicide or foul play?

Now revealed: octopus victim of human's bizarre "project". Human student dumped octopus body in Ohio River after filming snuff movie. Snuff movie featured "picnic scene" of horror.

Human bought corpse from St. Matthews seafood store. Planned on eating corpse. Octopus too old for human student; human student likes young corpses. Dumped in river instead. Thought river would wash away interest in crime against octopusity. Human thought wrong!

Octopus community issues demands: Student human and accomplices charged with desecration of octopus corpse. Octopus snuff film destroyed. St. Matthews charged with cephalopodicide.

Lyle Zapato

...And Phones Too

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.6930 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The Barry Bittwister Cabal presents a problem:

Your cell phone is tracking you, you know. By law, your phone has to tell where you are within 125 meters when you call 911, which isn't so bad on the face of it. However, the telecom systems can use your phone to track you at any time. In some cases, this can be done even when your phone is off. We're not sure how you feel about it, but we don't like being fitted with a radio collar at all times. This nonconsensual tracking is growing common in the US now, but has been around in Europe for quite a number of years. So what's a paranoid to do?

Their solution? The Invisifier, an aluminum & duct tape sheath for your cell. Its dual-action AFDB/Faraday cage construction keeps psychotronic signals from your phone in and EM tracking signals from the NGA satellites out.

(If I had just waited two centidays for the email I could have included this with the previous post and padded that out a bit...)

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Drives

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.5520 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The blog for Mozy, an online backup service, has a post titled "Chinese BlueGenes" that explains how they not only use 448-bit-key encryption -- which would take at least three hundred thousand years for someone to crack -- to keep your data secure on their drives, but go the extra mile and wrap their drives in individual aluminum foil Faraday cages to keep out prying van Eck phreakers and telekineticists.