ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-09-03.5765 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia | General Paranoia

One of the Humans who built the "BIGFOOT" TRAP in OREGON is now EXPLAINING THE TWISTED MOTIVES OF SASQUATCH TRAPPERS!!! Unlike what I previously heard howl, little Human RONNY OLSON and his CO-CONSPIRATORS weren't planning to kidnap and sell our youth to Human TV producers! No, they had in mind something much more DISTURBING:

"I wouldn't ever want to see Bigfoot held in captivity," stresses Ron Olson. "The idea was to learn about him. We wanted to put a transmitter on him. We wanted to find out how they evade people and where they migrate to."

"We weren't going to kill it -- we had a tranquilizer gun," he explains. "We had a sled built to put him on. We even had big manacles ready if we got one and the tranquilizer started to wear out. We had it pretty well organized."


EVEN MORE DISTURBING, I have learned that many Sasquatch and Yeti have howled that this HUMAN ABDUCTION CONSPIRACY has been going on for DECADES!!! (Could this explain the SOUTH DAKOTA SCHOOL OF MINES CONSPIRACY?! Abductions GONE AWRY!?! Or what about HUMAN EXPERIMENTS WITH JENGLOTS... Could they be developing CYBER-JENGLOTIC TRACKING DEVICES!?!)



HUMAN ABDUCTIONS are often associated with UNEXPLAINED NIGHT-TIME LIGHTS; these are called "FLASH-LIGHTS"!!! Humans, with their SQUINTY EYES that can't see in the moonlight, use them to get around forests at night!

ABDUCTEES have reported waking up UNABLE TO MOVE while STRANGE HUMAN FACES hover over them! Sasquatch healers have claimed that this phenomena is just SLEEP PARALYSIS and NIGHTMARES, but now we know it is TRANQUILIZERS, MANACLES, and HUMAN ABDUCTORS!!!

If you suspect you have been abducted and implanted, STAY AWAY FROM OTHER SASQUATCH!!! You are leading them RIGHT TO US!!!

HOWL TO WOULD-BE HUMAN ABDUCTORS: It is bad enough that you want to track us and learn our secrets, but if you value your limbs DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PROBING US!!!

Lyle Zapato


Lyle Zapato | 2006-09-02.7302 LMT | Politics | Cascadia | NWO | Paraterrestrials

As a public service for the Federalists occupying the Republic of Cascadia, ZPi wholeheartedly endorses either of the following two candidates for Washington State Senator in the Sept. 19 Primary:

Michael Goodspaceguy Nelson
Education: Michael Goodspaceguy Nelson received his Masters of Science Degree from the University of Minnesota. He previously studied for 3 years in Stockholm, Sweden, having already earned his Bachelor's Degree in Germany.
Occupation: Investor and user of economics and astronomy
Professional Qualifications: Accountant and owner
Personal Information: Sixty-seven years old and starting to mature.
Community Involvement: Goodspaceguy's big community involvement has been to offer his knowledge of economics and many other subjects to the voters by running for office seven times, advocating to raise the living standard.
Personal Views: In about the last hundred years, we humans developed cars, radios, airplanes, movies, television, and computerization. We moved from the Horse and Buggy Age into the start of the Space Age. Now a great goal is Orbital Space Colonization. Let's build the Fantastic Future! Let's spread the life of Spaceship Earth out into our Solar System! It is our intelligent destiny. With the money we have already spent on space, we should already have growing space colonies. Unfortunately, our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization. World peace and education and employment should also be our big goals. Let's use our unemployed people. Please also visit http://colonizeorbitalspace.blogspot.com to learn more about Goodspaceguy's plan of advancement for our civilization.

William Edward Chovil
Education: BA, University of Puget Sound, 1951. BEd, University of Puget Sound, 1951.
Occupation: History Analyst & Political Commentator -- self employed.
Personal Information: Birth date: 04/08/1927. Birthplace: Tacoma, WA
Community Involvement: Member, John Birch Society. Member, National Center for Constitutional Studies. Member, National Rifle Association. Life Member, Gun Owners of America. National Center for Constitutional Studies. Washington Arms Collector.
Personal Views: It is not illegal for Federal and State lawmakers to be practitioners of democratic communism and socialism. But! Is it a good idea to elect and re-elect them? Abraham Lincoln stated that a house divided against itself can not stand. Do you believe that America has become a house divided against itself? Do you believe that this nation (or any nation) can long endure half pro-communist and half pro-American? Because we are a democracy we can choose to live in a pro-communist America. Is this what we want to do? I am a follower of: George Washington, Ronald Reagan, George S. Patton Junior, Ayn Rand, and John Galt. I am an expert on government -- American government, un-American government, socialism, communism, the New-World-Order Conspiracy, and International Trade Agreements. Do you want school vouchers to help your children attend the school of their choice? Do you want Charter Schools to provide your children an alternative to government controlled schools? Do you want to protect your right to home-school your children? If you believe America can do better with more Americanism and less national and global communism and socialism let me represent you in the United States Senate.
Lyle Zapato

A Father's Tachyon Transceiver

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-25.2698 LMT | Technology | Letters | Kelviniana

Although it may not seem it at first, Christopher R. Davy's 2001 patent application for The Tachyon Transceiver is the heart-warming, feel-good patent application of the summer.

What is a Tachyon Transceiver? Davy claims:

The Tachyon Transceiver(s) can send or receive a resonance from one point in spacetime to another point in spacetime instantaneously without a relativistic time-delay.

Interesting, but probably not as practical as St. Clair's Remote Viewing Amplifier. As we shall see, however, the real interest here isn't technological, but human.


Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-24.2108 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia


Federalist Humans aligned with the U.S. FOREST SERVICE are REPAIRING THE OLD "BIGFOOT" TRAP near Applegate Lake in OREGON!!!


The small trap was built by CRYPTOPERVERTS during the NADIR OF HUMAN-SASQUATCH RELATIONS known to the Humans as the "SEVENTIES"!!! FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD HOWL, their scheme was to TRAP AND KIDNAP SASQUATCH CUBS in order to CURRY FAVOR with some strange Human named NIMOY!!! Cubs were to be lured in through the TINY DOORWAY with a tasty smelling carcass only to have THE DOOR SLAM SHUT BEHIND THEM while an electric signal alerted a nearby CRYPTOPERVERT HIDEOUT!!!

No cubs were ever kidnapped using the trap, but it's STILL AN ATTRACTIVE NUISANCE!!! Even though it's FLIMSILY CONSTRUCTED, smaller cubs might injure themselves while SMASHING THROUGH THE WALLS!!! Not to mention there might be CRYPTOPERVERTS nearby looking to GAZE SEXUALLY!!! Make sure you howl to your cubs about the dangers of GOOD SMELLIN' EATS in strange Human buildings!

Radical Sasquatch


Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-23.1163 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Nature

Malaysian Humans will TEST THE DNA OF A JENGLOT MUMMY found in Indonesia in 1972 to see if it is real!

JENGLOT are ANNOYING LITTLE VAMPIRES that pester Mawas and other Southeast Asian Hominoids! Humans suffer from inconsequential mosquitoes; Southeast Asian Hominoids suffer from JENGLOT!!!

Thankfully, Cascadia remains JENGLOT FREE -- but only so long as Yeti immigrants remember to check their fur for JENGLOT and JENGLOT EGGS before boarding Cascadia-bound shipping containers!


The mummified JENGLOT body the Humans found is ABNORMALLY LARGE and most Mawas JENGLOTOLOGISTS think it is a FAKE created by ANTI-HOMINOID AGITATORS to scare Mawas and other Hominoids! Or perhaps the Human government has GENETICALLY ENGINEERED A SUPER JENGLOT as a BIOLOGICAL WEAPON to DEPOPULATE MAWASISTAN in order to BUILD MONO RAILS ON THEIR LAND!!! My moss is on the latter, especially since Humans are known to be collecting, displaying, feeding, and BREEDING JENGLOT!!!

Whichever is the case, THE DNA TEST CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!! The Human group behind the test are actually CRYPTOPERVERTS who also want to RECOVER DNA FROM MAWAS FOOTPRINTS!!! One can only imagine what sick things they would do with that! Perhaps they wish to CLONE MAWAS FOOT-FETISH SLAVES TO SEXUALLY GAZE AT!!!

The only thing more annoying than JENGLOT are HUMAN CRYPTOPERVERTS!!!

The Monorailist

Next Stop: Bradbury Station

The Monorailist | 2006-08-23.0555 LMT | Monorail Danger

During an interview marking his 86th birthday, noted Monorailist, Ray Bradbury, had a few choice words for the Mayor of Los Angeles:

"I want to talk to him about getting rid of our freeways, because they're no good. We have to have monorail systems," Bradbury said, adding that he'd be happy to have a station named after him.

While the City of Angels lives up to its name with Citizen Seraphim such as Bradbury boldly asserting an Empyreal Vision of Monorailtopia, we in Seattle have devilish traitors seeking to undo our Great Works: Peter Sherwin and Patrick Kylen, once supporters of monorail sanity, have gone off their rail and are now campaigning for a Streetcar named Disaster. They actually want to shut down the Seattle Monorail -- that Beacon of Hope glinting chromatic above a dourly gray sea of asphalt and exhaust fumes -- and replace it with mere cable-cars like the ones with which our forefathers suffered!

To go from a Monorailfaring People to debased cablecar jockeys is an unacceptable de-evolution. Should we not just leave our cities en masse and crawl back into the sea from whence we came? I, for one, adamantly reject a return to our benthic roots that this "streetcar" talk represents! Why should we meander the streets like the common whelk, insentient to our fate as we creep along on our own effluence, when we can soar transcendent through the skyline like the Angelic Beings we are destined to be?

Fortunately, their misbegotten plan to scrap our only Salvation to save a few bucks is already a non-starter. Even as you read this, the diligent leaders of the Seattle Monorail Services are burning the midnight oil to select recognized Monorail Experts from the finest of the Technical Class, who will look into the entirely abnormal and not-a-little-bit-suspicious problems that have lately been befalling the Seattle Monorail to find a solution -- or culprit -- before the commencement of the Bumpershoot Festival.

What caused the stalls? Why wasn't power being drawn by the Blue Train? Could some surreptitiously placed metallic debris have shorted the circuit before power reached the train? Electro-sabotage by metal shoe, as it were? I think arch-antimonorailist and pneumatic blowhard, Mr. Zapato, with his stockpiles of crumpled up tinfoil, has some explaining to do -- and since I currently have no means to go anywhere, I'll be sitting at my computer awaiting his response.

Lyle Zapato

Water Energy Generator

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-20.3030 LMT | Technology

Hyperinventor John Q. St. Clair takes a break from hyperspacial transportation to solve the energy crisis -- and unlike certain Irish jokers, his solution is based on solid hyperspace research.

St. Clair's Water Energy Generator uses low density hyperspace energy produced by a magnetic vortex wormhole generator to "soften" water molecules, breaking their atomic binding and causing the hydrogen nuclei to decay into a cascade of electron pairs, which are collected and turned into electricity. Simple, really.

He hasn't totally forgotten his dreams of space travel however. He notes his main goal for the generator will be powering his electromagnetic spacecraft and other hyperspace inventions, and that the oxygen byproduct of the process can be used for breathing. But still, the broader energy applications for those of us left on the planet can not be understated.

As is increasingly the case in his patent applications, St. Clair feels the need to summarize the technological advances of his past applications and explain how he came to know so much about hyperspace. The summary in this one is a long but concise paragraph worth blockquoting in total:

Many of these patent applications involve wormholes and hyperspace which are not well-known concepts in the scientific community. Hyperspace consists of those dimensions which are co-dimensional with our spacetime. The reason I know about hyperspace is because (1) I have been in hyperspace on a number of occasions and have experienced Einstein's time dilation according to his General Theory of Relativity, (2) I have experienced more than one full-body hyperspace teleportation over a distance of 100 meters, (3) we have been able to create a wormhole between space and hyperspace with the magnetic vortex wormhole generator in which smoke was blown through one side of the coil into hyperspace, a first contact verified by the Grey Aliens, (4) I have seen the green mist associated with moving out of dimension and crossing over into hyperspace, (5) I have looked into another dimension and have seen another building, a car and a man who waving at me in the presence of an artificially-intelligent Cyborg with the "high-tech look" from the Pleiadian Defense Department, (6) I can remote view through hyperspace subgeometry to distances of 100,000 light years to the edge of the galaxy and have made first contact with around 500 extraterrestrial civilizations involving the use of patent applications such as Remote Viewing Amplifier, Quantum Dot Energy Cylinder and Walking Through Walls Training System, (7) I am the only person on Earth who has communicated with the designers of the crop circles found in England and explained their design to them in terms of subspace geometry, (8) I can walk through walls as a hyperspace energy being, and (9) I have discovered how anti-gravity is possible using low density hyperspace energy, not to mention all the other research work on these electromagnetic field propulsion vehicles. For my work in developing the geometry of the subspace manifold known as the tetrahedron diagram, I was given the Aphysics award by the Admiral, who is third in line to the Admiralty of the Pleiadian Defense Department. For my work in Revelations, she awarded me four beautiful galloping white riderless horses of the Apocalypse. The reason that the Pleiadian Defense Department was involved was that the Admiral had the task of creating the energy being that would protect the subspace manifold during the battle of Revelations which took place in the year 2001. So these are some of my personal experiences in the field of hyperspace physics.

So there.

And also like his previous applications, there are a number of new revelations:

  • The 1967 collapse of the Silver Bridge between Ohio and West Virginia was actually due to a large, naturally occurring wormhole sucking the rivets out of it.
  • The giant stones of Machu Picchu and Baalbek were lifted into place using low density hyperspace energy from magnet-generated wormholes.
  • You can levitate yourself to a height of six feet (or more) using the Chi Kung breathing technique, which mixes cool and warm air in your lungs in such a way as to change Planck's constant and cause your body to go out of dimension.
  • Jesus could stretch wooden chairs by passing hyperspace energy through his hand vortices.

And then there's this bit which should be of interest to both String Theorists and Biblical scholars:

[T]he universe is composed of many hyperspace co-dimensions. From personal experience, I estimate that the distance separating the two dimensions is about 3 meters when I was looking into another dimension at the man waving at me. The physics is even more complicated because there is a Lorentz dimensional transformation in which higher dimensions appear smaller and lower dimensions appear larger. In one case I was looking at a huge mothership at a much higher dimension and it looked like a tiny toy model spacecraft. They fired a laser cannon at me, and I then curved space which made the beam change course. You can see why I was awarded the four horses.

Alternate application copy: US2006180473

Lyle Zapato

Guess What Stalled Again...

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-19.7160 LMT | Monorail Danger

Just a hair under a week after the Seattle monorail stalled, it's happened again, and again passengers (hostages) had to make a death defying crossing from the blue train to the red one high above the streets.

The situation is still on-going, so I'll update with links and other info later. In the meantime, if you are in the Seattle Center area, beware of falling monorail riders.

UPDATE: The Seattle Times reports that the red train wouldn't start at the station, forcing the passengers to transfer to the blue train, which then stalled out on the track. They were stranded there for 30 minutes before help arrived. Some tourists from New York had to call the number on the back of the monorail brochure to get assistance.

Was this in the brochure?

Since they're making frequent stops on Denny Way, maybe they should just build a monorail station out there. I'm sure the land below can be eminently domained away from whoever owns it. But then the trains will probably start breaking down half way between that station and the others, requiring even more stations. Who's running this thing? Zeno of Elea?

Lyle Zapato

No Honor Among Monorailists

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-16.8390 LMT | Monorail Danger

Uneasy rumblings on the monorailist street: The suspicious fire on the German Transrapid maglev monorail in Shanghai last Friday may not have been simple spontaneous combustion -- a phenomenon common to monorails -- but rather an act of sabotage by the Chinese government aimed at both disrupting Germany's monorail-based economy and boosting China's own home-grown maglev monorail program, which China's military sees as a strategic inrail to regional hegemony.

The incident follows years of trade disputes between the two monorailfaring nations over use of German maglev technology in a new Shanghai-Hangzhou line and German accusations of China stealing their monorail designs. Since China announced its own maglev monorail program and started shopping it around to other nations, such as Malaysia, seeking to endanger their citizens with monorails, German industrialists from the maglev sector have found themselves negotiating with a direct competitor.

Now an opinion piece translated for The People's Daily, the Chinese Communist Party's official propaganda organ, claims that "the German economy has taken a heavy blow" due to the monorail fire while calling on Germany to admit that German maglev technology isn't "all that" and acknowledge China as the new maglev monorail super power. The message from Beijing is clear: don't mess with our monorails or we'll mess with yours.

As monorail tensions continue to rise, so too does the likelihood of an all-out Sino-Germanic Monorail War -- threatening all nations occupied by their monorails with division into two warring factions: the Electromagnet Bloc and the Permanent-Magnet Bloc.

(For the record, there have been no acts of state-sponsored econo-terrorism on pneumatic tube lines. Just a thought for you city planners.)

Lyle Zapato

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-14.6330 LMT | Monorail Danger | Sasquatch Issues

Two days after a reopening that was postponed for four weeks because of malfunctioning doors and brakes, the Seattle Monorail was shut down again for most of yesterday after the blue train stalled. Passengers (or should we just start calling them "hostages"?) had to make a precarious mid-rail transfer across a precipitous gap high above Fisher Plaza from the stalled blue train to the no-doubt-soon-to-be-stalled red train. Against all odds, no one plunged to their death.

At least this time nothing burst into flames or sent debris flying into the pedestrians below. In monorail-terms, it was a successful day.

And as long as I'm on the topic of monorail danger...

As Radical Sasquatch noted, the Mawas of Johor, Malaysia are now facing a new threat: a Chinese high-speed maglev monorail.

It will be one of the first Zhui Feng ("Hunt the Wind") monorails, which were developed for the Chinese military. Yes, that's right, the military. However, German monorail makers Transrapid -- who have a line at the Pudong International Airport in Shanghai -- claim that the design was stolen from them. China denies this. One notable difference is China's maglev uses cheaper permanent magnets, unlike the electromagnets used in German and Japanese technology.

And for those of you wondering: yes, maglev monorails are prone to spontaneous combustion too, as was illustrated when the Shanghai one mysteriously caught fire on Friday:

Shanghai maglev monorail on fire.

The Johor monorail project will be funded primarily by monorail agitators in Dubai (a land whose citizens will soon be threatened by a combination of monorails and robotic dinosaurs). Initially it will only be menacing the human controlled sectors, but given the global hegemonic aspirations of monorailists I don't think we can count the forests of Mawasistan as safe, especially since Japanese monorailists are already pestering the Hibagon with their preliminary incursions into the forests of Mt. Honita:

Mt. Honita Monorail penetrates the peaceful forest Happy Japanese businessmen ride the monorail up Mt. Honita

Will the horror of monorails ever end?