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Lyle Zapato

Archie McPhee, Dactyl Fractal Consciousness, & Novelty Tin Foil Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2018-03-28.4528 LMT | Polydactylism | Aluminum | Mind Control | Fashion | Crass Commercialism

Archie McPhee, beloved outfitter for ironists, has recently added two new sets of products that are curiously within my wheelhouse...

Firstly, almost four years after they introduced their second-order dactyl fractal aspirational prosthesis, Finger Hands, they have finally released the next iteration, Finger Hands for Finger Hands:


We were staring at our Finger Hands, as we often do, and had a thought. What if Finger Hands had Finger Hands of their own? That's when Finger Hands for Finger Hands were born. Not only do these fit on Finger Hands, they'll fit on pencils, pens and even chopsticks! Like an ever-extending fractal.

They also now have both light and dark skin-tone versions of both iterations so even more first-order people can train to visualize themselves manifesting the Handlebrot. Hopefully we won't have to wait another four years for the forth-order iteration to come out and really kick off the Transphalangal Epoch.

Secondly, but more worrisomely, Archie McPhee has gotten into the prêt-à-porter aluminum deflector beanie business with their Tin Foil Hats for Cats and Humans:

This is, I'm afraid, a bad idea. As I have warned many times, paranoids should make AFDBs for themselves and their pets, not buy ready-made ones, as bought beanies could contain psychotronic circuitry -- printed using alloy, or other material structure, variances in the foil itself -- that can allow the seller to bypass the beanie's deflection through psychotronic resonant induction -- essentially turning your deflector beanie into a close-proximity psychotron!

(This is also why I advise using aluminum foil intended for cooking purposes, as any embedded circuitry will produce telltale geometric markings, similar to crop circles, on the surface of foods heated in it, thus causing orthonoids to start asking too many questions and potentially turning paranoid. The Various and Sundry Forces of Mind Control would rather this didn't happen, and so see to it that culinary foils remain circuitry free.)

But even if we were to orthonoiacly trust that the Cascadian institution that is Archie McPhee would never implant psychotronic circuitry in their fine products, these "Tin Foil" hats are NOT FOIL.

McPhee's hats are made of aluminum-deposited Mylar -- not multi-layers of actual aluminum foil, as is standard in even the most basic deflector beanie. While metallicized Mylar does contain aluminum, the thinness of the metallic deposition means Mylar offers little to no deflective shielding and, because of the structural stabilization of the transparent polymer base, the thin metal can easily be cracked or scratched off without the wearer immediately noticing the microbreaches that will allow psychotronic rays direct access to their head.

And don't even get me started on the unshielded ear holes in the cat model!

Thus, McPhee's hats should only be considered novelties, not serious mind-control defense equipment. By advertising these novelties as...

"[working] against aliens, government plots, men in black, giant ape cultists, the electric company, the circus clown collective, cyber-narcissists, grumpy psychics and nosy neighbors"


"very effective against MKUltra satellites, cat food company dream-insertion marketing, Guy Fieri, Soviet cat control protocols, psychic dogs, skull tapping, focused magnetic pulse and the neighbor's labradoodle"

...Archie McPhee is potentially endangering nascent paranoids by filling them with a false sense of security while leaving them and their pets open to easy mental subjugation.

However, I can see one benefit to these otherwise useless novelties: camouflage. By wearing one over a real AFDB -- as well as having one show up in your globally tracked purchase history -- you'll be able to deceive the Various and Sundry Forces of Mind Control into thinking you're one of the orthonoid masses mocking the idea of "tinfoil hats", allowing you to hide your real paranoia behind ironic paranoia and avoid being the focus of more directed psychotronic attacks -- or worse, physical disembeaniement. Combined with McPhee's Finger Hands and Finger Hands for Finger Hands, you'll pass as a completely harmless hipster, and not a subversive anti-mind-control transhumanist.

Now if only Mr. McPhee would finally respond to my open letter from 11 years ago and produce a Lord Kelvin action figure...

End of post.