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The Typing Octopus

ROV Attacks Octopus

The Typing Octopus | 2006-01-20.0130 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Cascadia | Politics


Octopus victim (identity protected).

Innocent giant pacific octopus residing off Vancouver Island in Cascadia suffer malicious attack by remotely operated human submarine.

Octopus find nice metal box left on sea floor. Box contain valuable information revealing whereabouts of tasty salmon. Law of the ocean: Finders keepers (see: Hermit v. Fiddler, 1987).

Human submarine stealing box. Octopus protecting property. Human submarine blast octopus with mechanical siphons, rip two arms off octopus, steal box. Octopus pale with distress. Octopus demand restitution.

Human submarine operators record crime, post crime video to Internet, make false accusations, show no shame.

All octopus protest human crime. Will bite transoceanic Internet cables unless salmon information box returned to rightful octopus owner. Octopus lose salmon information, humans lose celebrity gossip.

The Typing Octopus

Happy Scalloween

The Typing Octopus | 2005-10-31.5900 LMT | Nature | Food
The Typing Octopus

Calamari Sutra

The Typing Octopus | 2005-09-26.1780 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature

Weird Sex: Giant Squid Do It Deeper (WARNING: not safe for hatchlings):

Although mating has never been observed in giant squid, it is thought that what happens is that the male injects his sperm packages into the female's arms. The process is likely to be a fairly violent affair as the female is probably not that keen on being injected. This is a problem for the amorous male as females are normally a third bigger than they are.

But males get round their inferior size by being endowed with a particularly long penis, which means they can inject the female without having to get too close to her chomping beak. The male's sexual organ is actually a bit like a high-pressure fire hose and is normally nearly as long as his body - excluding legs and head.

But having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body. And this does not seem to have been an isolated incident since two of the eight males that had stranded in the north-east Atlantic before had also accidentally inseminated themselves.

The Typing Octopus

Happy Hatchday!

The Typing Octopus | 2005-09-04.9900 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature
The Typing Octopus

Misrepresentation Of Octopus's Nature

The Typing Octopus | 2005-08-23.4920 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Politics

Sister in octoarms calls for defamation suit against humans in Korean op-ed piece:

먹물을 뿜는다 하여 너희는 나에게 고상한 이름(文魚)을 붙여 주었다. 그렇지만 나의 이미지는 여전히 고약하기 짝이 없다. ... 너희 법정이 양심이 있다면 우리에게도 명예훼손 소송을 허(許)하라.

List of grievances also in English for Cascadian humans.

Caution to humans: we have mastered your jar lids... manipulating your legal system easy as cracking crabs.

The Typing Octopus

Congratulations Aurora!

The Typing Octopus | 2005-04-14.1700 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Announcement