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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS NOT SO STUPID AFTER ALL!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-08.7100 LMT
Human photo from STAR PUBLICATIONS (MALAYSIA)!!!
Puny CHE HASHIM cowers behind Mawas "Hunting" Permit! "Please don't stomp me!" he squeaks, "I am just a FORESTRY BUREAUCRAT!!!"

The Malaysian Human government offered Humans permits to "HUNT" Hominoids -- or rather, go into Malay Hominoid territory and harass the innocent Mawas -- but NO HUMAN WOULD DARE APPLY FOR ONE!!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LITTLE HUMANS!?! You are all BIG SQUEAK about "HUNTING" us, but when someone offers you the opportunity you RUN AWAY LIKE TIMID TEH-IMAS!!!

"Oh, we DON'T REALLY WANT TO MEET Hominoids," you SQUEAK, "we have OTHER HUMAN THINGS PLANNED, like OBSESSING OVER FOOTPRINTS or SHOPPING FOR SHOES AND PANTS!!! Oh, they probably DON'T EVEN EXIST anyway! Squeak, squeak, SQUEAK!!!"

YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE TRUTH ABOUT GOLF!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-07.1750 LMT | Entertainment

Human media reports that Human golfer TIGER WOODS uses a "SasQuatch" driver! Well, that's very nice and patronizing, MR. HUMAN, but how come NO HOMINOIDS ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY IN PROFESSIONAL TOURNAMENTS OR EVEN USE PUBLIC GOLF COURSES!?! Peer out of the forests onto any green and all you will see is HAIRLESS HUMANS!!! FUZZY ZOELLER wasn't very fuzzy, WAS HE!?!

What makes this situation even more of an INTOLERABLE ACT OF ANTI-HOMINOID DISCRIMINATION is the fact -- well known to everyone but IGNORANT HUMANS -- that GOLF WAS INVENTED BY HOMINOIDS!!!

Greymen -- known in Scots-howl as AM FEAR LIATH MÒR!!! -- have been hitting boulders into haggis holes with pinewood logs in the CAIRNGORM MOUNTAINS of Scotland since before you Humans were PAINTING YOURSELVES BLUE AND SQUEAKING ABOUT FREEDOM!!!

Humans took our sport -- no, our CULTURAL HERITAGE!!! -- and turned it into a joke! Hominoids would never wear POOFY PANTS and FLOPPY HATS WITH POM-POMS while playing golf! Traditional Hominoid golf should be PANTSLESS with optional DIGNIFIED TOP HAT!!! And what is the deal with the TINY, DIMPLED BALLS!?! Can you not hit a boulder 1000 yards?! What am I howling... OF COURSE YOU CAN'T!!!

But it is not enough to pervert our heritage, Humans want to DENY THAT IT IS OURS!!! The PGA, the INTERNATIONAL GOLF FEDERATION, and other Human secret societies bent on turning golf into a "Humans only" sport, have been involved for many years in a GLOBAL CONSPIRACY to deny the HISTORICAL FACT of golf's Hominoid origins, going as far as to ridiculously claim traditional Greymen fairways as "glacial formations"! THOSE ARE IMPACT DIVOTS, YOU CREDULOUS HUMANS!!!

Human golfers wanting to keep the game to themselves are also promulgating the LIE that Greymen golfers DON'T EXIST AT ALL -- that they are merely something called a "BROCKEN SPECTRE"! GREYMEN GOLFERS ARE NOT SHADOWS!!! They are flesh and blood athletes who simply want a chance at LUCRATIVE ENDORSEMENT DEALS!!!

HUMAN GOLF OFFICIATING BODIES, HEAR MY HOWL: Stop claiming that HOMINOIDS ARE OPTICAL ILLUSIONS and LET US PLAY!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: YELLOW JOURNALISM!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-01.8790 LMT

Human BBC reporter JONATHAN KENT, who is in Malaysia spying on Hominoids, now claims Humans are HUNTING THE MAWAS!!! AS IF!!! All the pitiful Humans can manage is to obsess over some muddy footprints -- AGAIN WITH THE FEET!!! -- they found on a road! But they are exposing more Mawas secrets:

[Mawas] move around looking for fruits, sometimes they go looking for them in villages. They're also looking for a mate and for salt.

WELL OF COURSE!!! How do you expect Mawas to get a mate without the help of DURIAN MARGARITAS!? They are not as SUAVE and CONFIDENT as Sasquatch! First the Humans drive the Mawas from their ancestral homeland, then the Humans put the Mawas at risk for IDENTITY THEFT, now the Humans are gratuitously pointing out the Mawas' ROMANTIC INADEQUACIES!!! This isn't even perverted cryptozoology anymore, it's just YELLOW JOURNALISM!!!

HUMAN JOURNALISTS, HEAR MY HOWL: LEAVE THE MAWAS ALONE!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MAWAS BESIEGED!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-02-22.3160 LMT

HUMANS CONTINUE TO HARASS MAWAS!!! Now the Human pack known as JOHOR WILDLIFE PROTECTION SOCIETY, not satisfied with stealing the secret formula for LUSTROUS HAIR GROWTH TONIC, are revealing private information about the Malay Hominoid colony, including the number, makeup, and ages of the colonists! WHY DO HUMANS NEED TO KNOW ALL THIS DETAILED INFORMATION?! It is bad enough that Humans drove the colony from Perak to Johor with their noisy wars and highways, but now they are putting the Mawas in jeopardy of IDENTITY THEFT!!!

What drives these Humans? Why do they seek out our footprints and personal information? What goes on under their SKULLCAPS?! One of them has provided us with a disturbing look into the twisted mind of a HUMAN CRYPTOFETISHIST:

"I'm a cynic, but if we could see a right footprint as well, we could at least measure its gait. Maybe if we had some scat, I could be totally convinced," [Tony Burke] said. "I am about 50 per cent there. Let's see what the lab results are."

...! THAT IS DISGUSTING!!! They are now going to start PICKING THROUGH OUR TOILETS?! Do Humans have no concept of HYGIENE?!

ONE MORE HOWL: For the fifth straight year, the SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL features ABSOLUTELY NO SASQUATCH ACTS!!! Not even a token troupe of Migoi whistlers! The closest thing on the line up is BECK, but he is only 1/16th Wendigo and INCREDIBLY PUNY!!! Those Humans say they can rock but I have never seen one able to hurl EVEN A MODERATE SIZED BOULDER!!! THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BETRAYAL OF TRUST!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-02-19.3166 LMT

A colony of Malay Hominoids befriended a pack of Humans calling itself the JOHOR WILDLIFE PROTECTION SOCIETY, thinking them harmless! Now the Humans are THREATENING TO EXPOSE THE COLONY'S SECRETS TO THE HUMAN MEDIA!!!

The Humans claim to be in the possession of "scientific evidence" belonging to the colony, which they will make public to Humans soon! I have it on good howl that the colony did not give them this evidence, rather THEY STOLE IT FROM MALAY HOMINOID HAIR SCIENTISTS!!!

Advanced Hominoid technology cannot fall into the puny hands of Humans! If Humans learn how to combine durian with mineral water to create LUSTROUS HAIR GROWTH TONIC, they will be able to disguise themselves as Sasquatch children and infiltrate our society to further their PERVERTED FOOT FETISH VOYEURISM!!!

HUMAN MEDIA, HEAR MY HOWL: If you publish the tonic formula there will be RIOTING IN THE FORESTS!!!

And Human Lyle: Do not cross us like the JOHOR WILDLIFE PROTECTION SOCIETY crossed the Malay Colony! WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THIS BLOG IS DISINFORMATIVE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-01-28.3130 LMT | Cephalopods | Monorail Danger | Cascadia

OTHER BLOG CONTRIBUTORS, HEAR MY HOWLS!!!

HUMAN LYLE: You are wrong about the GIANT FOREST OCTOPUS being a myth! I HAVE SEEN IT MYSELF!!! Other Sasquatch howl that I am crazy but I KNOW WHAT I SAW!!! I was walking through the forest one night ENGAGED IN PRIVATE SASQUATCH BUSINESS THAT IS OF NO CONCERN TO NOSEY CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS when I heard the DEEP CLACKING OF A BEAK in the distance and smelled a STRONG ODOR OF AMMONIA on the wind! Then all of the sudden A GIANT ARM AS THICK AS A LOG WITH A THOUSAND SUCTION CUPS lunged out of the dense trees towards me! Although it was dark I was able to find a nearby boulder to defend myself! I SMASHED THE ARM BEFORE IT COULD GRAB ME!!! There was a GURGLING SCREECH in the distance and the arm started to retract back into the trees! Before it could get away I took a bite out of it! IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!

SILLY LOOKING HUMAN WITH STRANGE FIXATION ON MONO RAIL: Vanara would never build a mono rail! WHAT SORT OF FUNGUS HAVE YOU BEEN GATHERING?! Vanara are proud Hominoids like Sasquatch! If you ordered Sasquatch to build you a mono rail WE WOULD CRUSH EVERY ONE OF YOUR BONES and howl at your floppy corpse: "THERE'S YOUR MONO RAIL!!!" Vanara would do the same, I am sure! Anyway, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, what Cascadia needs is a SYSTEM OF GONDOLAS traversing the forest canopy! THIS WOULD MAKE IT MUCH EASIER TO GATHER TREE OCTOPUS!!!

TYPING OCTOPUS: I know you are using one of our Hominoidnet kiosks... IF I FIND YOU I WILL EAT YOU!!!

Lyle Zapato

Cardiff Giant Tree Octopus

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-23.6750 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia

ZPi reader and bumpersticker consumer Karla directs our attention to an interesting find:

Please allow me to direct your attention to evidence of tree octopuses in New England. Of course, this is unverified, so it may just be a red herring. Or it may be the remains of a PNWTO brought back by one of those venturesome New England sea captains of old.

New England tree octopuses, such as the Sugar Octopus, are not unknown, but none achieve anywhere near the size shown in those pictures. While there have long been rumors of giant forest octopuses in Cascadia, these have never been verified by serious cephalopodologists and are generally agreed to be the product of the over-active imaginations of hungry Sasquatch out gathering normal-sized tree octopuses.

I'm afraid that that giant "tree octopus" (much like the Cardiff giant) is a fraud -- most likely created by cryptozoologists to lure gullible Sasquatch to New England -- and not an actual petrified terrestrial octopod.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: GLOBAL HOMINOID PERSECUTION!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-01-10.3705 LMT

The persecution of Hominoids around the world by Human cryptoperverts continues! In particular, Asia is seeing an outbreak of ANTI-HOMINOID ACTIVITIES!!!

Recently, the Humans of Malaysia have increased their harassment of the Hantu Jarang Gigi, Mawas, Kaki Besar, and other Malay Hominoid groups -- taking unauthorized, invasive photographs of their footprints and threatening to STEAL LOCKS OF THEIR HAIR!!! Furthermore, agents of the Human government are actively seeking to exploit our brothers and sisters in order to draw cryptozoologists to Malaysia who wish to stalk innocent Hominoids -- UNDOUBTEDLY FOR PERVERTED REASONS!!!

In Kerala forest in India, Human S R KRISHNASWAMY is invading Matdngdng homes and spying on their family life! WHAT BUSINESS OF HIS IS MATDNGDNG SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS?!

MEANWHILE IN CHINA!!! Yeren homeland -- shamelessly renamed "Shennongjia Nature Reserve" by occupying Human forces in honor of Human who ATE YEREN HERBS WITHOUT PERMISSION!!! -- will be closed to Humans for three moons while Yeren repair the damage nosey Humans have done to the forest! I HAVE HEARD HOWL THAT MANY CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT STONES AND TWIGS HAVE BEEN STREWN ABOUT AND NEED REORGANIZING!!! However, the closure will not solve the root Human problem since agents of the Human occupying government are threatening to build a giant-metal-dragonfly roost in the area to cater to the global crypto-tourism trade! HUMANS, I HOWL TO YOU: WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SASQUATCH OPENED A HUMAN PARK FOR HOMINOID LIMB-RIPPING TOURISTS?! I didn't think so...!

THESE ARE BUT A FEW GRIEVANCES!!! Sasquatch leadership is needed to stem the tide of global anti-Hominoid persecution! I call on Sasquatch Elders to send Militia forces to join with our Yeti allies in the Himalayas so that we may RAIN DOWN BOULDERS ON THE CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS OF ASIA!!! Only then will Asian Hominoids be free to live their lives unmolested, secure in their personoids and footprints!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-11-02.8300 LMT | Entertainment

BIGFOOT USES HIS MIGHTY JUMPING ABILITIES TO DEFEAT EVIL!!!

Out of the dark ages of Sasquatch/Human relations that Humans call the "SEVENTIES" comes a Human television show that teaches that the Sasquatch and Human of Cascadia can work together to fight the FORCES OF EVIL!!!

It was called BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Wildboy was a young Human child who was lost in the vast wilderness and saved by Bigfoot! Bigfoot raised him and together they battled for justice against POLUTION, WEREWOLVES, SLEESTACKS, PARA­TERREST­RIALS, and OUTLAW SAS­QUATCH!!! Every episode Bigfoot would use his ability to JUMP A VERY GREAT DISTANCE and THROW BOULDERS to save the day! Sometimes he would throw Wildboy at the enemy as a distraction! It is also the only Human television series to feature actual SASQUATCH HOWL!!!

BIGFOOT (PLAYED BY SMALLFOOT HUMAN)
HUMAN CHILDREN: BIGFOOT WILL SAVE YOU!!!

THE SHOW WAS NOT WITHOUT ITS FLAWS!!! Besides the OFFEN­SIVE, FOOT-SIZE-OBSESSIVE NAME, Big­foot was played by a puny Human and was portrayed as a SIDEKICK FOR WILDBOY!!! This was typical of the time, with CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIE as a sidekick for Space-Humans and the untrustworthy BIONIC BIGFOOT working for the PARA­TERREST­RIALS against Bionic Humans!

HUMANS HEAR MY HOWL: Only when you accept Sasquatch as CO-EQUAL PARTNERS IN THE BATTLE AGAINST EVIL will we be victorious!

Download the Bigfoot & Wildboy Title Theme (92KIO MP3!!!) It has the FUNKY BASS and GRATUITOUS EXPLOSIONS that typifies Human howl accompaniment of that era! Also, Human howlers called the Nick Atoms have a cover version for download!

UPDATE!!! Watch the BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY INTRO on the YOU TUBES!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BOUNTY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-10-17.4700 LMT

Desperate Human perverts in Maine want a picture of Sasquatch or Yeti that will help them squatchnap one of us and they are willing to pay ONE MILLION DOLLARS for it! THAT IS A LOT OF ECHINOID SKELETONS!!! The skeletons are being provided by a shadowy Human company, WHO ISN'T NAMED!!! What sort of company could gather that many sand dollars to barter for a picture? And why must they group us with Loch Ness Monster? WE ARE NOT PLESIOSAUROIDAL!!! Perhaps they are interested in cephalopodivores? I have heard howl from my Grendel cousins that Nessie likes peat ammonites...

BUT I DIGRESS!!!

Fellow Hominoids, and our new Plesiosaur allies, hear my howl! Stay away from Maine when the Cryptozoologists gather prior to the new moon! And to counter their contract on us, I will offer a bounty of 100 PINECONES for each Human camera you can take from the cryptopaparazzi! 200 IF THEIR ARMS ARE STILL ATTACHED TO IT!!! These are the good pinecones too, not those puny little Douglas fir cones, but MIGHTY SUGAR PINECONES!!! Excellent for personal hygiene use! Make great Life Day presents!

2005-10-19 UPDATE!!!

Human cryptofetish site reports the shadowy Human company has withdrawn its bounty claiming concern for the safety of Sasquatch! THIS IS A LIE!!! In reality they are worried about being sued by amature cryptopaparazzi who might end up getting delimbed! The company has turned out to be called WIZARDS OF THE COAST!!! This explains how they gathered all the sand dollars -- TIDALMANCY!!!