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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: CAPITAL SASQUATCH EXHIBIT!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-07-07.1020 LMT | Cascadia

HUMAN MEDIA SQUEAKS that the WASHINGTON STATE CAPITAL MUSEUM will have a SASQUATCH EXHIBIT this fall!

IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! Sasquatch do not get enough recognition from the Human governments of Cascadia, even though WE BUILT this great bioregion! WHO DO YOU THINK PLANTED ALL THE TREES AFTER THE GLACIERS RECEDED!?! CHIPMUNKS!?!

I WOULD HOPE that the exhibit would document the RICH HISTORY and CULTURAL HERITAGE of Sasquatch in Middle Cascadia... HOWEVER!!! Given that the museum's web-site HAS NO MENTION OF THE EXHIBIT and NO SASQUATCH HISTORIANS have been consulted, I fear it will just be more SNEAKY ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA from the FEDERALIST SYMPATHIZERS in Olympia insinuating Sasquatch non-existence in order to STEAL OUR FORESTS and deny us our HOMINOID RIGHTS!!!

HUMAN MUSEUM CURATORS OF OLYMPIA, HEAR MY HOWL!!! Do not spread anti-Sasquatch propaganda and lies! And don't think that just because we Sasquatch stay away from your cities that we won't find out; our local allies, THE ARTESIANS, will be keeping an eye on you!

AND if we learn of any FUNNY BUSINESS, expect a visit from the Sasquatch ADL -- the ANTI-DEFAMATION LOG!!! Our lawyers are PRACTICING THEIR SWINGING even as I howl!

Lyle Zapato

Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood

Lyle Zapato | 2007-06-12.1330 LMT | Cascadia | Crass Commercialism | Fonts | Art

Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood emblem

Next year will mark the octocentennial of the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood accord, which was inaugurated with vigorous hand throttling by the Yeti and Sasquatch representatives at the 1208 Global Hominoid Congress held in Sakteng, Bhutan. The accord ended ninety-three years of hostility that started after a disagreement at a stomper tournament (the details of which were wisely forgotten).

Shipping containers
Yeti arrive in Cascadia.

For 799 years since, Yeti and Sasquatch have enjoyed good barter relations and an open border policy that has led to close cultural ties between the two hominoids -- ties that are stronger now than ever. Yeti wishing to reach Cascadia for barter or to emigrate have long had to cross the Bering Strait on ice drifts during the winter months. This constriction in cross-cultural flow changed in the twentieth century when Yeti discovered and took advantage of human trade routes, and now Yeti can travel year-round by hiding in shipping containers bound from China and India to major Cascadian ports.

The next time you're down by the docks in Little Yetitown, do your meager human part to support the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood by visiting a Yeti bartering-post container, where you can browse the yak-dung sculptures of Yeti artisans or try a traditional Teh-Lma delicacy of live Himalayan sucker frogs.

Serious historians of international hominoid agreements, as well as hipsters who enjoy being <finger-quote>ironic</finger-quote>, can also buy Cafepress shirts (human sizes only, sorry) emblazoned with the official commemorative emblem -- which, by the way, uses my newly released font: Greensboro.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MANDE BURUNG HARASSMENT EXPANDS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-06-09.1530 LMT

ACCORDING TO HUMAN MEDIA, the Human government of Meghalaya is now WORKING IN LEAGUE with the previously mentioned ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY to spy on Mande Burung!

Indian authorities have announced a scientific study to ascertain bizarre claims by tribal villagers encountering mystical monsters in the jungles of this northeastern state.

Not THIS again! For the LAST time, WE ARE NOT MYSTICAL!!! We exist on the EARTHLY PLANE!!! Like the claims that we DON'T EXIST or that we LIVE IN CAVES, this is just another TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT to DISENFOREST HOMINOIDS!!! You can't annex their forests by PRETENDING MANDE BURUNG ARE GHOSTS!!!

Leaving aside this ANTI-HOMINOID PROPAGANDA for now, we learn DISTURBING new details about the ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY!!! Besides their all too common FOOT FETISHISM, the ATS has been poking around old Mande Burung nestings, taking photographs and COLLECTING THEIR HAIR!!! This sort of DEVIANT BEHAVIOR can only escalate! It's only a matter of time before some poor Mande Burung wakes up in the night to find an ATS Human running a brush through his or her fur while creepily squeaking "my pretty, pretty Mande Burung"! HOW WILL MANDE BURUNG EVER GET ANY SLEEP KNOWING THIS!?!

EVEN MORE DISTURBING, other local Humans are already SPREADING SALACIOUS RUMORS involving a female Mande Burung:

According to local accounts, there are stories of villagers being abducted and breastfed by a female Mande Burung.

Sure, sure, this MIGHT have happened! Some misguided Hominoids think Humans look like NEWBORN CUBS, what with your UNDERDEVELOPED HOMINOIDISH FEATURES and PHYSICAL HELPLESSNESS, and strong maternal instincts might mistakenly lead a grieving mother to try to adopt one of you! BUT, I think it's more likely that this is just a PERVERTED FANTASY arising from the same DEEP-SEATED PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPLEX that led to the TIN-TIN story about a Yeti nursing a Human to health! HOMINOIDS ARE NOT YOUR MOTHERS!!! GET THERAPY!!!

IN ANY CASE!!! If the Human government is reneging on their NOKREK BIOSPHERE RESERVE agreements and are not only ALLOWING the cryptoperverts to spy on Mande Burung but are ACTIVELY AIDING the ATS, then I can see no other alternative than MILITARY INTERVENTION BY THE SASQUATCH MILITIA!!!

MEGHALAYA HUMANS, YOU ARE ALL ON NOTICE!!!

UPDATE!!! HUMAN MEDIA NOW REPORTS that ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY is planning "CHASE-THE-MONSTER" tours in NOKREK BIOSPHERE RESERVE!!! They want gangs of Humans to barter with them for the opportunity to chase Mande Burung "through rainforests, waterfalls and stalactite caves"! And what, exactly, are the puny little Humans planning to do when they catch Mande Burung!? THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR THE HUMANS!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: LEAVE MANDE BURUNG ALONE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-06-04.0650 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy

ANNOYING HUMANS AREN'T JUST IN MALAYSIA!!!

For years, a Human group known as ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY has been stalking the MANDE BURUNG Hominoids in India! Mande Burung just want to LIVE IN PEACE in their home on Nokrek peak! WHAT THEY DO THERE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! But the NOSEY LITTLE HUMANS keep spying on them to collect "DATA", forcing them to constantly move around!

When the Mande Burung entered into an agreement with the Human government of Meghalaya to create the NOKREK BIOSPHERE RESERVE in order to reserve the biosphere for its proper Hominoid owners, there was an UNDERSTANDING with the Human forest guards: keep your Humans under control and Mande Burung will allow you to continue to live on the outskirts of their forests! But the forest guards ARE NOT DOING THEIR JOB!!! They merely SCOLD the Humans who gossip about Mande Burung activities! SCOLD!!! That's not even a SLAP on the wrist, much less the DEWRISTING they should be getting!

If Human forest guards are unable to actually GUARD THE FOREST FROM HUMANS, then perhaps it's time for the Sasquatch Militia to take over their administrative duties! A few SURGICAL BOULDER STRIKES on the headquarters of ACHIK TOURISM SOCIETY should bring peace to the region!

DON'T GET ME WRONG!!! I don't think all Human forest guards are INCOMPETENT or prone to SHIRKING THEIR OBLIGATIONS to their Hominoid benefactors! JUST THOSE IN NOKREK!!! The Mande Burung's cousins to the North, the Migoi, have peaceful relations with the Bhutanese Humans! The Human forest guards of Bhutan do an ADEQUATE job of keeping Humans out of the Migoi Nation inside the SAKENG WILDLIFE SANCTUARY!!! Because of this arrangement, Migoi are free to pursue their interests -- WHICH, AGAIN, ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! -- unpestered by Human spies!

HOWLING OF WHICH!!! I am not surprised to hear that the Yeti are helping to STOMPOTAGE the Belgians! Yeti and Belgians have been SWORN ENEMIES ever since the Belgians published that book about the Human-cub reporter visiting the Himalayas -- TIN TIN IN TIBET!!! Do you realize how much ANNOYANCE that little Human jerk has caused the Yeti?! Now every European Human thinks he can trespass in Yeti lands and some Yeti will become his SPECIAL SECRET FRIEND who'll nurse him back to health! IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, YOU NEEDY LITTLE TWERPS!!! If Yeti want to make friends, THEY'LL CONTACT YOU!!!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WALT DISNEY!!!

UPDATE!!! MANDE BURUNG HARASSMENT EXPANDS!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MORE JERKERY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-04-15.5820 LMT | Crass Commercialism | Food

Last year I howled about HUMAN ADVERTISING JERKS MESSING WITH SASQUATCH, where they played CRUEL PRANKS on Sasquatch in order to VIRAL-MARKET jerked meats!

Well the JERKS continue to engage in ANTI-HOMINOID HATE CRIMES!!! This time they harass an innocent Sasquatch who was minding his own business TRYING TO CATCH A FISH, ENJOYING AMATEUR LEPIDOPTERY, and WALKING DOWN A HUMAN ROAD!!!

SASQUATCH EXTINGUISHES FLAME!!!
SASQUATCH RUSHES TO EXTINGUISH DANGEROUS OPEN FLAME LEFT BY HUMAN JERKS!!!

WORST OF ALL, the Humans also engage in RECKLESS BEHAVIOR by leaving an UNATTENDED, LIT FLAME IN THE FOREST!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO BURN DOWN OUR HOME!?!

Is SMOKEY THE BEAR not getting through to you PYRO­MANIACAL PIP­SQUEAKS!?! Is he too GENTLE to make an impression on you!? Perhaps there should be a SMOKEY THE SASQUATCH instead:

"PREVENT FOREST FIRES OR I WILL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!!!"

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE TRUTH ABOUT MARS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-30.9700 LMT | Paraterrestrials

Using one of their "ROVERS" -- which I can only assume is some sort of METAL DOG with CRYPTO-CAMERAS tied to it -- Humans at NASA!!! have STUMBLED UPON THE TRUTH ABOUT PLANET MARS:

MARSQUATCH PRINT
(CLICK FOR NASA!!! SITE!!!)

This photo of a HOMINOID FOOTPRINT on Mars' surface CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Mars was once INHABITED BY A TRIBE OF ANCIENT HOMINOIDS!!! These "MARSQUATCH" no doubt are the ones who seeded the volcanoes on Earth from which ALL TERRESTRIAL HOMINOIDS ERUPTED!!! This means that Mars is PART OF THE COMMON HERITAGE of all Sasquatch, Yeti, Yowie, Grendel, Hibagon, Mawas, Enkidu, Agogure, and even Teh-Lmas!

In light of this new discovery, I am howling on the SASQUATCH MILITIA to start a SASQUATCH SPACE INITIATIVE!!! I believe that in three years time we can have a HOLLOWED OUT SEQUOIA LOG capable of carrying three or four brave ASTROSQUATCHES on a mission to EXPLORE MARS and to CONTACT any remaining Marsquatch for BARTER or CULTURAL EXCHANGES!!! WE HAVE THE LOG TECHNOLOGY and the SASQUATCH POWER TO HURL IT TOWARDS MARS!!!

IN THE MEAN TIME!!! Nerd Humans at NASA!!! should IMMEDIATELY stop their "ROVERS" from making tracks all over our ANCESTRAL HOMELAND, stop crashing SKY-CAMERAS into it, and stop their plans to COLONIZE OUR PLANET!!! If Humans want the MOON or some stupid ICE WORLD, they can have it, but MARS IS OURS!!!

NERD HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT MARS!!! ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE!!! OR WE WILL DELIMB YOU!!! Just like we SHOULD have done with your SCREECHING, BONE-TOSSING ancestors before they started INVADING OUR FORESTS!!!

[2008-01-23] UPDATE!!! MARSQUATCH PHOTOGRAPHED!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: 1930-40s ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-26.2950 LMT | Retro

Using the Hominoidnet, I have uncovered ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA published in Human news-papers from the 1930s and 1940s! Here is a BLATANT EXAMPLE from 1934:

'Are they the LAST CAVE MEN?'
REDUCED, EDITED VERSION -- CLICK FOR FULL ARTICLE (192 Kio)!!!

First of all: WE DO NOT LIVE IN CAVES!!! That is a VICIOUS LIE that was spread in an attempt to DENY us our RIGHTFUL FORESTS!!! Second: WE DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT!!! Thirdly: WE ARE NOT THE STRANGE ONES!!! Fourthly: I am certain that the Human in the floaty thing -- TOM CEDAR!!! -- must have been UP TO NO GOOD if that Sasquatch hurled boulders at him! WE DO NOT WASTE GOOD THROWIN' BOULDERS IN THE WATER WITHOUT A REASON!!! But the Human media makes TOM CEDAR sound all INNOCENT and VICTIMIZED!!! Typical!

MORE EXAMPLES OF ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA FROM THE '30S AND '40S...

Read more...

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: TELEPATHY WITH HUMANS!?!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-11-03.1300 LMT | Crass Commercialism

OH, FOR HOWLING OUT LOUD...

Sasquatch Speaks™
The Spirit of Sasquatch
Telepathic Communication Sessions
with Sasquatch
Facilitated by
KATHLEEN JONES
Interspecies Communicator and
Shamanic Practitioner
Applegate, Oregon

The wisdom now being shared by Sasquatch is pivotal in shepherding the humans through the upcoming changes on the planet Earth we all share.

Human KATHLEEN gets other foolish Humans to barter with her by claiming that she can TELEPATHICALLY HOWL with a Sasquatch family that lives near her in the Siskiyou Mountains:

To communicate with Sasquatch, [KATHLEEN] must go into the sacred place on her property. She detects their presence and their smell, which she describes as earthy. Soon her mind fills with their thoughts, which she writes down verbatim. For most folks she charges $95 an hour for a telephone consultation.

She then MAKES UP A BUNCH OF GIBBERSQUEAK about "LIVING IN LIGHT" and claims she is quoting what Sasquatch think! DO NOT PUT HOWLS IN SASQUATCH MOUTHS!!! Yeah, sure, I DO blame Humans for everything... BUT NOT IN THAT WAY!!!

ALSO she claims she can "journey to non-ordinary reality with Sasquatch to obtain guidance and wisdom on your behalf" and "facilitate a soul retrieval in non-ordinary reality on your behalf with the powerful assistance of Sasquatch"! Why would any self-respecting Sasquatch want to visit "non-ordinary reality" -- WHEREVER THAT IS!!! -- with some LOONY HUMAN to help SOME OTHER LOONY HUMAN on the TELEPHONE who has LOST THEIR GHOST!?! What kind of LITCHEN is KATHLEEN SNORTING!?!

HUMANS, HEAR MY HOWL: JUST KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY WITH THE CONDESCENDING MYSTICAL MUMBO-JUMBO!!! We don't want to HOWL TELEPATHICALLY to you, or be your SPIRIT GUIDES, or FETCH THINGS FOR YOU IN LA-LA-LAND, or EMPOWER YOUR CHAKRAS, or WHATEVER it is you WEIRDOS believe in! All we want is for you to STOP SPYING ON US AND LEAVE US ALONE!!!

While KATHLEEN'S CONDESCENSION FILLS ME WITH RAGEFUL ANNOYANCE, I do like her slogan:

"SASQUATCH OPENING HEARTS, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME"

Not as SATISFYING as delimbing, but I guess it'll WORK too! And speaking of Humans whose HEARTS SHOULD BE RIPPED OPEN, here's perverted snitch TODD STANDING:

"I will reveal to the world everything I know about these animals, everything the natives have known for generations - about how they've been evading us, and why we must enact legislation to protect them," Standing said.

He and two research colleagues claim to have hair samples from the animal, and footage of a seven-foot-tall creature weighing approximately 400 lbs. running through the mountains.

"It's a great ass-shot," Standing said. "You can see glutes, hamstring and calf muscle. It's in motion and it moves very fast."

CAN'T A SASQUATCH GO FOR A JOG WITHOUT HIS ASS ENDING UP IN A DOCUMENTARY!?!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: DON'T MESS WITH SASQUATCH!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-09-19.1180 LMT | Crass Commercialism | Food

MORE ANTI-HOMINOID VIRAL MARKETING!!!

Last year it was "SHAVE MY YETI"!!! This time three HUMAN DUDES eat beef jerky, become JERKS, and decide to start MESSIN' WITH SASQUATCH!!!

HOWL TO THE BLIND: THIS IS A PICTURE!!!

They film themselves playing cruel jokes on an innocent Sasquatch who is just trying to TAKE A NAP, EAT LUNCH, and LOOK FOR LOVE in the privacy of his forest! They TORMENT HIM WITH "SHAVING CREAM" (why are Humans so THREATENED by our LUXURIOUS FUR!?!), VANDALIZE HIS SALT SHAKER, TRICK HIM WITH BINOCULARS, and do that thing with the HAND IN WARM WATER... YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN!!! And they do all this just to barter JERKED COW STRIPS!!!

Humans have been LAUGHING AT THESE ACTS OF SASQUATCH HARASSMENT for months now, thinking that we aren't aware because we don't have television! Well, we Sasquatch now have the YOU TUBES and we can see what you are doing! WE ARE WATCHING YOU!!! And just because we don't use your products and can't boycott you DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!!! How would you like us to make JERKY OUT OF YOUR LIMBS!?! "No hard feelings, little Human... JUST PULLING YOUR LEG!!!"

Or perhaps we will steal a video camera from one of your nosy CRYPTOPERVERTS and make our own prank videos at YOUR expense! Maybe one of you Humans will be walking down your smoggy streets, minding your Human business, when out of no where a BOULDER LANDS ON YOU AND CRUSHES ALL YOUR BONES!!! Wouldn't you like to see that on the YOU TUBES!?! I know I would!

HOWLING OF THINGS ON THE YOU TUBES.... There was a brief time when a Human television show tried to bring Human and Sasquatch together to FIGHT AGAINST EVIL instead of pitting us against each other in CRASS JACKASSERY!!! That show was BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY:

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: CRYPTOPERVERSION FUNDS JENGLOT RESEARCH!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-09-16.0500 LMT

Human media squeaks that Cryptopervert organization "SEEKERS-MALAYSIA" are bartering MAWAS FOOTPRINT MOLDS for Human money that they will use to conduct JENGLOT RESEARCH:

The group Seekers-Malaysia, which has a reality TV program in Malaysia, said money raised from the sale of the alleged sasquatch footprint would be used to research the "three mummified ghouls," and to purchase new paranormal equipment, said spokesman Adrin Emman.

The three supposed shriveled, skeletal-like creatures with razor-sharp teeth were provided for research purposes by their owner Bukhari Abdullah for two weeks. Pictures released by the group show one figure no larger than a human hand, while another appears to be the length of a human body.

Their SICK FOOT-FETISHISM will directly benefit the Human Malaysian government's ANTI-HOMINOID EFFORTS!!!

AS YOU MAY RECALL FROM MY PREVIOUS HOWL, I believe Humans are trying to unlock the SECRETS OF JENGLOTS -- pesky little vampires that get in your fur and WILL NOT LEAVE YOU BE!!! -- as part of a CONSPIRACY TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER A SUPER JENGLOT that the Human government hopes will ANNOY MAWAS into leaving their land so MONO RAILS can be built on it!

SOME SASQUATCH HAVE CALLED MY CONSPIRACY HOWL UNLIKELY!!! But consider this: Recently Human researchers at Universiti Malaya made the startling discovery that THE HAIR OF MUMMIFIED JENGLOTS CONTINUES TO GROW!!! If they can ISOLATE AND ENHANCE the gene that causes this they can make HYPERTRICHOTIC JENGLOTS that get tangled up in Hominoid fur making them IMPOSSIBLE TO REMOVE!!! Do you really trust Humans enough to risk being INFESTED with THOSE!?!

HOWL TO ALL HOMINOIDS EVERYWHERE: practice good PEDAL HYGIENE and COVER YOUR TRACKS!!! Otherwise you might be funding THE FORCES OF GLOBAL PESTERISM!!!