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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: 1930-40s ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2007-03-26.2950 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

Using the Hominoidnet, I have uncovered ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA published in Human news-papers from the 1930s and 1940s! Here is a BLATANT EXAMPLE from 1934:

'Are they the LAST CAVE MEN?'
REDUCED, EDITED VERSION -- CLICK FOR FULL ARTICLE (192 Kio)!!!

First of all: WE DO NOT LIVE IN CAVES!!! That is a VICIOUS LIE that was spread in an attempt to DENY us our RIGHTFUL FORESTS!!! Second: WE DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT!!! Thirdly: WE ARE NOT THE STRANGE ONES!!! Fourthly: I am certain that the Human in the floaty thing -- TOM CEDAR!!! -- must have been UP TO NO GOOD if that Sasquatch hurled boulders at him! WE DO NOT WASTE GOOD THROWIN' BOULDERS IN THE WATER WITHOUT A REASON!!! But the Human media makes TOM CEDAR sound all INNOCENT and VICTIMIZED!!! Typical!

MORE EXAMPLES OF ANTI-SASQUATCH PROPAGANDA FROM THE '30S AND '40S...

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Lyle Zapato

Physiognomics As She Is Spoke

Lyle Zapato | 2006-09-25.7000 LMT | Random Found Thing | Miscellaneous
George Morland
Aquasorbitiveness large.
George Morland, a talented painter, who died as he had lived, a great drunkard.

The 1871 book A New Physiognomical Chart by Joseph Simms, M.D. presents an original physiognomic classification system based on over 100 faculties -- such as characterioscopicity, computationumericality, and physiœlpidicity -- discernable by a combination of body types and facial features.

Each faculty is given an entry that includes a descriptive physiognomic characteristic; a grading scale from 1 to 12; methods to increase or decrease ones grade, should one choose; and illustrations of individuals who exemplify the faculty, positively or negatively.

While some of the faculty names are still in usage (e.g. "ambitiousness" and "credulousness" -- which Simms conveniently considers a faculty worthy of promotion), most are all but lost to the Internet (The Phrontistery doesn't even have a list!)

So, for the sake of huntatative types who wish to expand their linguastiveness, find grist for their salitive mill, or are just trying to tell their temporinaturalitiveness from their temporimechanicality, here's a glossary of select physiognomic faculties (those with high degrees of both amicitiveness and ordinimentality, please feel free to add these words to Wiktionary to edify future generations of physiognomicists):

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Lyle Zapato

Carpetbagging Monorailists: A Cascadian Tradition

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-29.2150 LMT | Monorail Danger | Cascadia | Technology

There was a story on Evening Magazine last night about "The Northwest's 10 Greatest Unsolved Mysteries". Besides yet again bringing up D.B. Cooper -- whom you should all just forget you ever heard about -- it had one topical mystery I had somehow missed: the details surrounding a prototype monorail built on the Tacoma tideflats in 1910 or 1911.

William H. Boyes monorail prototype, from monorails.org

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Lyle Zapato

Edison's Conquest of Mars

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-14.5800 LMT | Kelviniana | Entertainment | Technology

As previously mentioned, Edison's Conquest of Mars by Garrett P. Serviss is an unauthorized 1898 sequel to H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. Unauthorized by Wells, that is. It was authorized by Thomas A. Edison, and the story reads like an Edison promotional vehicle (which it essentially was):


Edison reveals his inventions to the assembled leaders of Earth, including the insufferable Kaiser Wilhelm -- curse his handlebar moustache!

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Lyle Zapato

Protection Against Spray Attack

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-29.2480 LMT | Random Found Thing | Black Helicopters
Pin-up girl in gas mask and plastic bag attacking gas-spraying Japanese zero with a rifle - 'Protection Against Spray Attack'

Little Known Secret Weapons of WWII: An elite contingent of the USO made up of specially equipped pin-up girls was created in order to protect Iowa from miniature Imperial Japanese poison-gas fighters -- primitive forerunners of modern black helicopters.

UPDATE: More details about this image and what happened to the modeled spray-attack-bags after the war...

Lyle Zapato

Victorian 3D Scientific Imaging

Lyle Zapato | 2005-02-08.0310 LMT | Kelviniana | Technology

Looking for some content for your iPod-Stereoscope? Here's an illustration from Lord Kelvin's 1894 paper "On Homogeneous Division of Space":


Stereoscopic photo of an orthic tetrakaidecahedron, constructed out of soldered wire.

Cross your eyes to see cutting-edge 19th century scientific imaging technology! I have exchanged the images left for right from the original since I find crossing my eyes easier than forcing them apart. The original presumably would have been viewed using a stereoscope, a common gizmo for the Victorian-era techno-hipster...

Victorian stereoscope advertisement, as filtered through Apple

Since it took an inordinate amount of time to make the above image, I'll have to put off retyping Kelvin's paper till later. It's an interesting one, with some nice illustrations of tessellations. Until then, busy yourself with making your own tetrakaidecahedra. See how many rooms of your house you can fill!

UPDATE: "On Homogeneous Division of Space" is online.

Lyle Zapato

Cake Decorating Of Yesteryear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-01-20.1800 LMT | Random Found Thing | Food


Figure 1: The seductive appeal of scalloping.

From Magic for Your Table... Cake & Food Decorating By Wilton, published in 1971. It's sort of a combination cake decorating HOWTO and product catalog from Wilton Enterprises, Inc. (now Wilton Industries). Could there be retro-wackiness inside?

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Lyle Zapato

Instinctive Fear Of Monorails In Pachyderms

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-09.2400 LMT | Monorail Danger | Elephants | Nature

While monorailist literature insinuates that they are a futuristic technology, monorails are actually archaic devices that predate the airplane. Case in point: the Schwebebahn in Wuppertal, Germany. This suspended monorail was built in 1901 and is still in operation -- thanks to the backroom influence of the Monorail Industry -- even though it exhibits all the dangers common to monorails; there have been train collisions, trucks hitting piers, and four people died in 1999 when a train derailed and fell into the river. However, even in the storied annals of monorail dangers, the Schwebebahn manages to impress with an incident involving an innocent baby elephant named Tuffi.

Elephant leaping from monorail
Tuffi's daring escape from the clutches of dastardly monorailists.

On July 21, 1950, the 3-year-old elephant, enslaved by a cruel circus-director/monorail-fanatic named Franz Althoff, was forced to board the Schwebebahn as part of an ill-conceived monorail propaganda stunt. Tuffi had suffered through many degrading stunts in the past -- Althoff had her driving streetcars and marching through department stores -- but she balked at riding on that dangerous contraption (the Wuppertaler Todesfalle as it was secretly called by locals). One and a half minutes into the ride, Tuffi freaked out, no doubt sensing something was awry with the train (in other words: normal monorailular operating conditions). In her instinctual desperation to escape death and with no other safe means of egress, she smashed a hole in a side window and, rather taking her chances with the Wupper river 5 meters below, bravely leapt through.

Tuffi was not seriously injured in the fall and was unfortunately recaptured shortly after. There's no telling what would have happened if she had stayed in the train, which was understandably stopped after experiencing an unexpected elephantine defenestration. Perhaps the train would have derailed or spontaneously combusted. We will never know for sure, but it is highly likely that the actions of this monorail-doubting pachyderm might have saved the lives of the human passengers.

(Of course, had this monorail been constructed over city streets instead of a river, as many monorails are or are planned to be, she would have been killed and probably have taken out some pedestrians and small cars too. When will people learn what even baby elephants seem to understand: monorails are a menace.)

Photos from the incident:

Thanks to reader Crosbie for bringing this to my attention.

Lyle Zapato

A Simpler Time When Marketers Drank Absinthe

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-07.4000 LMT | Random Found Thing | Food

Fruit crate label: Clown Brand, Sparr Fruit Co., California
"Hey kids! Eat your fruits and vegetables
or I'll bite your little heads off!"