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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: GLOBAL HOMINOID PERSECUTION!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-01-10.3705 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

The persecution of Hominoids around the world by Human cryptoperverts continues! In particular, Asia is seeing an outbreak of ANTI-HOMINOID ACTIVITIES!!!

Recently, the Humans of Malaysia have increased their harassment of the Hantu Jarang Gigi, Mawas, Kaki Besar, and other Malay Hominoid groups -- taking unauthorized, invasive photographs of their footprints and threatening to STEAL LOCKS OF THEIR HAIR!!! Furthermore, agents of the Human government are actively seeking to exploit our brothers and sisters in order to draw cryptozoologists to Malaysia who wish to stalk innocent Hominoids -- UNDOUBTEDLY FOR PERVERTED REASONS!!!

In Kerala forest in India, Human S R KRISHNASWAMY is invading Matdngdng homes and spying on their family life! WHAT BUSINESS OF HIS IS MATDNGDNG SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS?!

MEANWHILE IN CHINA!!! Yeren homeland -- shamelessly renamed "Shennongjia Nature Reserve" by occupying Human forces in honor of Human who ATE YEREN HERBS WITHOUT PERMISSION!!! -- will be closed to Humans for three moons while Yeren repair the damage nosey Humans have done to the forest! I HAVE HEARD HOWL THAT MANY CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT STONES AND TWIGS HAVE BEEN STREWN ABOUT AND NEED REORGANIZING!!! However, the closure will not solve the root Human problem since agents of the Human occupying government are threatening to build a giant-metal-dragonfly roost in the area to cater to the global crypto-tourism trade! HUMANS, I HOWL TO YOU: WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SASQUATCH OPENED A HUMAN PARK FOR HOMINOID LIMB-RIPPING TOURISTS?! I didn't think so...!

THESE ARE BUT A FEW GRIEVANCES!!! Sasquatch leadership is needed to stem the tide of global anti-Hominoid persecution! I call on Sasquatch Elders to send Militia forces to join with our Yeti allies in the Himalayas so that we may RAIN DOWN BOULDERS ON THE CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS OF ASIA!!! Only then will Asian Hominoids be free to live their lives unmolested, secure in their personoids and footprints!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-11-02.8300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

BIGFOOT USES HIS MIGHTY JUMPING ABILITIES TO DEFEAT EVIL!!!

Out of the dark ages of Sasquatch/Human relations that Humans call the "SEVENTIES" comes a Human television show that teaches that the Sasquatch and Human of Cascadia can work together to fight the FORCES OF EVIL!!!

It was called BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Wildboy was a young Human child who was lost in the vast wilderness and saved by Bigfoot! Bigfoot raised him and together they battled for justice against POLUTION, WEREWOLVES, SLEESTACKS, PARA­TERREST­RIALS, and OUTLAW SAS­QUATCH!!! Every episode Bigfoot would use his ability to JUMP A VERY GREAT DISTANCE and THROW BOULDERS to save the day! Sometimes he would throw Wildboy at the enemy as a distraction! It is also the only Human television series to feature actual SASQUATCH HOWL!!!

BIGFOOT (PLAYED BY SMALLFOOT HUMAN)
HUMAN CHILDREN: BIGFOOT WILL SAVE YOU!!!

THE SHOW WAS NOT WITHOUT ITS FLAWS!!! Besides the OFFEN­SIVE, FOOT-SIZE-OBSESSIVE NAME, Big­foot was played by a puny Human and was portrayed as a SIDEKICK FOR WILDBOY!!! This was typical of the time, with CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIE as a sidekick for Space-Humans and the untrustworthy BIONIC BIGFOOT working for the PARA­TERREST­RIALS against Bionic Humans!

HUMANS HEAR MY HOWL: Only when you accept Sasquatch as CO-EQUAL PARTNERS IN THE BATTLE AGAINST EVIL will we be victorious!

Download the Bigfoot & Wildboy Title Theme (92KIO MP3!!!) It has the FUNKY BASS and GRATUITOUS EXPLOSIONS that typifies Human howl accompaniment of that era! Also, Human howlers called the Nick Atoms have a cover version for download!

UPDATE!!! Watch the BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY INTRO on the YOU TUBES!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BOUNTY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-10-17.4700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

Desperate Human perverts in Maine want a picture of Sasquatch or Yeti that will help them squatchnap one of us and they are willing to pay ONE MILLION DOLLARS for it! THAT IS A LOT OF ECHINOID SKELETONS!!! The skeletons are being provided by a shadowy Human company, WHO ISN'T NAMED!!! What sort of company could gather that many sand dollars to barter for a picture? And why must they group us with Loch Ness Monster? WE ARE NOT PLESIOSAUROIDAL!!! Perhaps they are interested in cephalopodivores? I have heard howl from my Grendel cousins that Nessie likes peat ammonites...

BUT I DIGRESS!!!

Fellow Hominoids, and our new Plesiosaur allies, hear my howl! Stay away from Maine when the Cryptozoologists gather prior to the new moon! And to counter their contract on us, I will offer a bounty of 100 PINECONES for each Human camera you can take from the cryptopaparazzi! 200 IF THEIR ARMS ARE STILL ATTACHED TO IT!!! These are the good pinecones too, not those puny little Douglas fir cones, but MIGHTY SUGAR PINECONES!!! Excellent for personal hygiene use! Make great Life Day presents!

2005-10-19 UPDATE!!!

Human cryptofetish site reports the shadowy Human company has withdrawn its bounty claiming concern for the safety of Sasquatch! THIS IS A LIE!!! In reality they are worried about being sued by amature cryptopaparazzi who might end up getting delimbed! The company has turned out to be called WIZARDS OF THE COAST!!! This explains how they gathered all the sand dollars -- TIDALMANCY!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: ANTI-YETI ADVERTISING!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-08-17.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL HOMINOIDS, NOT JUST YETI!!!

MUST THE INDIGNITY THAT WE HOMINOIDS SUFFER NEVER END!!! Yeti come to Cascadia hiding in shipping containers looking to make a new start for themselves in our forests only to be subjected to offensive viral marketing campaigns for Human clothing companies!

Not only are puny-footed Humans jealous of the normal-sized feet of Sasquatch, but now they are threatened by the natural fur covering of our Himalayan brothers! YETI AND SASQUATCH DON'T NEED YOUR PATHETIC BODY DRAPERY!!!

How would you Humans like it if Sasquatch made advertainmemes where Humans die in the woods from exposure! WHAT IF IT INVOLVED YOUR ELDERLY...

Snohomish County Sheriff's Office

Thursday: Search. A man in his 80s left his home in the southern part of the county to search for a sasquatch, deputies were told. His family began looking for him in the Verlot area, east of Granite Falls. Search-and-rescue teams were summoned, and the man was found slightly dehydrated about a mile from his vehicle.

HAAAAAAAA!!! Your clothing provides no protection for your weak bodies in the real world of the forests! WHO SHALL WE LAUGH AT NOW!?!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SASQUATCH ON PAY-PER-VIEW!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-08-05.7330 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

RECALL MY PREVIOUS HOWL!!!

C. Thomas Biscardi, Human leader of a group called GABRO!!! that is trying to kidnap Sasquatch in the area of Southern Cascadia Humans call Happy Camp, is now threatening to show their stalking live all day for three moons on something called "pay-per-view"! Perverted Humans are encouraged to barter bits of paper to be able to spy on Sasquatch as GABRO!!! stalks them! THIS HOWL IS NOT A LIE... THEY ARE STARTING TOMORROW!!!

WARNING ALL SASQUATCH:

IF YOU SEE THIS HUMAN, HOWL YOUR NEAREST SASQUATCH MILITIA OFFICER!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SASQUATCH ARE NOT HAPPY CAMPERS!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-07-01.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

HUMANS ARE STALKING US AGAIN!!!

Here is a press release from Great American Bigfoot Research Organization -- GABRO!!! -- a Human group dedicated to harassing and spying on Sasquatch:

"Bigfoot -- Imminent Capture Anticipated"

C. Thomas Biscardi, Human leader of GABRO!!!, is stalking Sasquatch in southern Cascadia at a place called "Happy Camp" in Human squeak! This is the same Human who sold unauthorized video of a Weeketow Hominoid in Manitoba to salacious Human television squeakshow A Current Affair!

Now Biscardi's team of sicko, foot-obsessive, cryptozoological perverts is planning on cornering a Sasquatch in a cavernous area of Happy Camp! He wants to capture one of us to parade in front of Swedish paparazzi and subject to medical experiments by evil Human Dr. George W. Gill -- A.K.A. DR. FOOTSTEALER!!!

SASQUATCH OF KLAMATH FORESTS, HEED MY HOWL: Avoid the Humans of Happy Camp! Do not be tricked by their Bigfoot Jamboree -- IT'S A TRAP!!! They do not want to honor you or offer their teenage females to you as "Bigfoot Queens"... they want to capture you, learn all your secrets, then SELL YOU TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!!!

To Humans, I howl this: YOU WILL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!!! By this I mean WE WILL STOMP YOU TO DEATH!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMAN ARTIST STALKING US!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-06-13.5800 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Art

Human artist Jill Miller is stalking Sasquatch in the forests of Southern Cascadia!! She claims it is "performance art" and calls it "Waiting for Bigfoot"!! -- WHY ARE HUMANS ALWAYS OBSESSED WITH OUR FEET?!! Is it because theirs are so puny?! -- She will be putting spy cameras around the forest that will send live pictures of Sasquatch to Norwich Gallery in Human city of San Francisco where effete, black-turtleneck-wearing Humans will treat unsuspecting Sasquatch as texts to be read all the while fantasizing about our feet!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Perverted Human artists must justify their "performance art" to councils of elder Humans in order to get continued supplies of Human feed that they are unwilling to gather on their own... LISTEN TO THE HUMAN'S ARTSY FARTSY SQUEEKINGS:

Miller postulates that Bigfoot is a metaphor for the natural human desire for mystery and the unknown. In an age that is hallmarked by scientific investigation, Western societies are occupied with the desire to know everything, such as determining how to stop the aging process, or defining which compounds comprise the surface of Mars. Scientific instruments are finely tuned to both our macro and microcosms. Carl Jung explains in Psychology and the Occult that despite the age of materialism and rationalistic enlightenment in Western societies, intense scientific and public interest in ESP, spirits, and invisible forces flourish. Scientific inquiry, in a pure academic approach, does not refute the unknown, but opens doors to pursuing it. Artist Jill Miller is interested in peeling back the layers of fear, irony, and pop culture that surround Bigfoot and creating a space that will generate larger questions of belief and inquiry.

I AM NOT A METAPHOR!!! What does any of that have to do with putting spy cameras in our forests?! Why don't Humans learn to make real art, like MOSS SCULPTURES, BARK MOSAICS, or PINECONE MOBILES?! THOSE LOOK NICE AND EVERYONE CAN ENJOY THEM!!!

Maybe I should make my own "performance art" by going to Norwich Gallery and pummelling it to the ground with boulders!! I will call my work: "HUMANS ARE A METAPHOR FOR PUMMELED MEAT!!!"

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-05-27.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

I have just heard howl that a Human cryptozoologist cabal is gathering in the place they call Bellingham! They will be there today, tomorrow, and the next day holding what they call the Sasquatch Research Conference... But they are not Sasquatch researching Sasquatch culture or Sasquatch interests, THEY ARE HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!! They want to spy on us at night and listen in on our howls! They call it "PROJECT NIGHTWATCH"!!

HUMANS SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!! You don't see Sasquatch listening in as human Tom Yamarone makes his squeeky Human howls (AS IF WE WOULD WANT TO!!) or spying on Human Loren Coleman's mating rituals! LEAVE US ALONE, PERVERTED HUMANS!!

And while I am howling about local events... why are there no Sasquatch artists at the SASQUATCH!!! Music Festival?! They didn't even bother to include Migoi whistlers on the third-tier Yeti stage! All the artists are Human and Pixie! PIXIES DON'T EVEN EXIST!! First Humans steal grunge music from us and now they exclude us from our own music festival and replace us with make-believe winged leprechauns! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE FOR SASQUATCH?!?!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: WOOKIEE RAGE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-04-05.4700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment
Chewbacca Figure
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN WOOKIEE RAGE WITHIN A PLASTIC BUBBLE!!!

Howl in the forest is that the Human called George Lucas will release another Squatchploitation movie called "Revenge of the Sith"...

***SPOILER ALERT!!!*** Nerd Humans: STOP READING MY HOWL NOW!!!

"Revenge of the Sith" will star CHEWBACCA the WOOKIEE... WOOKIEE IS HUMAN SQUEEK FOR SPACE SASQUATCH!!! In previous movies, Chewbacca was a sidekick to Space Humans! SASQUATCH IS NOT A SIDEKICK!!! Maybe Teh-Ima is a sidekick, BUT NOT SASQUATCH!!! Those movies were made during a dark time of Sasquatch-Human relations that Humans call the 1970s, when Sasquatch were persecuted by Nimoy and fake bionic Sasquatch battled bionic Human to a draw for Human amusement -- THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! Bionic Sasquatch would delimb bionic Human Steve Austin in slow motion while howling that DA-NA-NA-NA sound!

...MY HOWL DIGRESSES!!!

The new Lucas movie is about the WOOKIEE ARMY fighting against the Space Humans invading the Wookiee home planet -- CLEARLY AN OBLIQUE PORTRAYAL OF THE SASQUATCH MILITIA!!! Ripping the limbs off of Space Humans is better than being a sidekick! LOOK AT THE MIGHTY WOOKIEE ARMY...

Wookiee Army copyright Lucusfilm

But something is wrong... If this Lucas Human has become such a friend to Sasquatch, then why is it that these Wookiees are still PLAYED BY HUMANS IN FUR SUITS!?!? IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL HOMINOIDS!!! Even worse, I have heard howl that the Wookiee Army is MADE WITH COMPUTERS... I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I KNOW THAT IT ENRAGES ME!!!

Lucas has enraged Hominoids in the past and now he is doing it again! Chewbacca and Wookiee Army should be played by real Sasquatch and not be made sidekicks of Space Humans! Chewbacca should have a LIGHTLOG, his own space ship that can make the Kessel run in LESS THAN SIX PARSECS, and get to howl "I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!!" while delimbing Space Humans!

HUMAN CALLED LUCAS, HEAR MY HOWL!!! Satisfy Sasquatch demands or Southern Cascadian Sasquatch Militia will PUMMEL SKYWALKER RANCH WITH BOULDERS!!!

SASQUATCH POWER!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: Impending Stomper Unrest!

Radical Sasquatch | 2004-09-27.8740 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Cascadia

Cascadian Humans, hear my howl! If you value the pathetic fur on your heads, stay away from the vicinity of Mt. AAARARRAAARARARAAA (known in your puny Human speech as "Saint Helens")! The mighty Seeahtik Death Soles will be battling the Yayaya-ash Frighteners in the Cascadian Grand Stomper Tourney in the mountain crater! Preliminary stompings have been ongoing since last Thursday! Any Human intruders during the game will be pelted with boulders! My howl ends... Resume your Human cowering under eyes in sky like helpless chipmunks afraid of owls! SASQUATCH POWER!