ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
NWO Agent 5573-XQ

Food Pyramid Scheme

NWO Agent 5573-XQ | 2005-04-19.7700 LMT | Food | General Paranoia

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Begins:]

TO ALL NWO AGENTS, FOOD SERVICES DIVISION:

Phase I of Operation Food Guide Pyramid is complete. Citizenry now accepting of dietary advice from pyramid, associating pyramid with positive food imagery.

Phase II is now initiated. Citizenry will be made to feel sense of belonging with pyramid concomitant with desire to voluntarily ascend pyramid steps into swirling multi-colored lights.

We predict Phase II will require no more than 6 years, allowing completion of Operation in 2012 with Phase III, wherein plumpest third of citizenry will be transported to Yucatan Peninsula and sent up pyramid to board waiting starship. This food payment to periodical Quetzalcoatlus armada will avert global paraterrestrial invasion, allowing NWO agendas to continue uninterrupted.

Refer to included link for procedural modalities and indoctrinational materials.

Link: http://www.mypyramid.gov/

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Ends.]

Lyle Zapato

Warrior Monks: The Belgian Connection

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-12.2100 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy

In "The First Earth Battalion: Dare to Think the Unthinkable, Ideas and Ideals for Soldiers Everywhere," a document created in 1979 from research done at the US Army War College to counter advances made by extra-NWO Chinese military psychics, we are introduced to a number of concepts that were to be the blueprint for a NWO global police force of "warrior monks" disciplined in New Age technologies.

The paper predicted that by 1990 the First Earth Battalion "may be a pilot community of warrior-monks who completely recycle all resources, live amidst new nuclear reactors and [await] deployment to tension spots." Whether this came to pass or not is uncertain, as details of any further developments were never released.

This is all well documented in the paranoid literature; however, I have discovered a significant detail that has gone overlooked by conspirologists. In the document, we learn that warrior monks will use the following techniques and substances to tune themselves for battle (emphasis mine):

BATTLE TUNING

Using traditional and New Age ideas:

  • Rise
  • Yogic cat stretch
  • Primal scream and leap
  • Belgian waffle*
  • Ginseng tab regulator
  • Speed or morning thunder tea
  • Karate kata
  • Primal low frequency lights
  • Paced primal rock in our ears
  • Discordant sounds for them
  • Advance

Here we see the hand of the Belgian Conspiracy.

This led me to the following realization: if the Belgians are involved with the FEB, could it be that noted Belgian intrigant Jean-Claude Van Damme is actually one of these warrior monks, or at least a FEB agent working to condition the public to accept warrior monk policing? His oeuvre -- which includes Universal Soldier, about a secret government program to create supersoldiers -- seems to suggests the latter. That his career took off around the time that the document predicted the establishment of pilot warrior-monk communities also suggests that the First Earth Battalion program is both active and on schedule.

Van Damme is currently residing in Vancouver, B.C. It may be that he or his handlers realized that I was close to connecting the dots and have positioned him within Cascadia to assassinate me in order to keep the progress of the warrior monk program under wraps. I am preparing countermeasures for this contingency, but if I am discovered kicked to death, make sure this information gets out.

* NOTE: The Belgian waffle is not from Belgium, obviously. It was developed by the Culinary Institute of America, a government front, and initially tested on an unsuspecting public at the 1964 World's Fair in New York. This was the same fair that saw the unveiling of Disney's prototype psychogesticular hypnosis device called "It's a Small World," not to mention the further pushing of the monorailist agenda. Beware the fair.

Lyle Zapato

Faraday Tents

Lyle Zapato | 2005-03-23.4210 LMT | Technology | Aluminum | Belgian Conspiracy
Faraday Tent and diagram

A helpful reader emailed to inform me of a company he learned about called Holland Shielding Systems B.V., makers of RF-shielded enclosures and tempest equipment. They have many types of Faraday cages*, including their "Faraday tents", shown on the right.

At first I thought that this might be a good source for paranoid computer accessories, but then I noticed something suspicious. Their main website's domain is faradaycages.com -- sure to be found by anyone in the market for a Faraday cage, and in fact shows up on top as a sponsored link on a Google search -- and they conspicuously claim in the masthead to be from the Netherlands. However, if you click on any subpage on the site the actual URL of the page is hidden via a frame. And what is the domain used by their subpages?

hollandshielding.be!

That's right, Holland Shielding Systems B.V. is really a front for the Belgian Conspiracy! Clearly they are trying to undermine paranoidal use of AFDB and related technology with Faraday cage disinformation.

It is a common myth that AFDBs are ineffective since they are not proper Faraday cages (i.e. not completely enclosing). While Faraday cage configurations are needed to shield standard RF transmissions -- their main application -- they are not needed for protection against psychotronic mind control, which is based on psychotronic energy, a highly modified form of electromagnetic energy that can interact with neural tissues much more effectively than standard EM and is deflected by certain substances, most notably aluminum. The deflective field of an AFDB more than overlaps the brain, protecting the user from all but targeted basal-orthogonal attacks with medium- to high-power psychotronic ray guns, which can be countered by lining one's shoes and pants seat with foil.

Please, don't be fooled by crypto-Belgians promising to replace your beanie with a tent of dubious efficacy for psychotronic use.

* Faraday cages are named in honor of Michael Faraday. Before going on to make a name for himself with dynamos and benzene, Faraday was an "assistant" to Humphry Davy, the man who exposed the arcane psychotronic secret of Aluminum to the general public in 1807. After Davy's treachery against the mind control elite (explained in page-padding detail in my book), the NWO arranged for a 20-year-old loyal Orderist named Faraday to become Davy's handler -- to watch over him while the NWO engaged in damage control -- by temporarily blinding Davy in an "accidental" laboratory explosion, thus forcing him to seek Faraday's assistance. This was a prelude to Davy's "knighthood" (i.e. the psychotronic reformatting of his brain) the following year.

The Philatelist

Stamp Nook: Monorail Gum

The Philatelist | 2005-02-03.7620 LMT | Philately | Monorail Danger
Scott #1196

Our feature for this edition of Stamp Nook is a U.S. commemorative issue (Scott #1196) for the Seattle World's Fair of 1962, also known as the Century 21 Exposition. As you can see, the design is dominated by the Fair's symbol, the lofty Space Needle, but it also rather conspicuously showcases the then-new Alweg Monorail, whooshing forward into the bleed. A sanguine tableau of the 21st Century indeed!

This stamp was suggested to me by Mike and/or Paula (he/she/they didn't indicate who exactly was sending the letter from their address -- such is the shocking informality of electronic mail!), who included the following theory that I am sure Lyle will be quite keen on:

It can't be an accident that No. 1196 comes out and then magically 43 years later we have an imminent monorailular threat. I suggest that the gum was treated with an NWO standard-issue cross-generational mind control genetic modification agent. Civic-minded expectant mothers in the early sixties bought the stamps, licked the gum preparatory to affixation on an envelope, thereby causing a mutation of the retrotransportation genes of their in utero children. When these children grew up, they were tragically unable to resist the siren call of absolute dangerous and expensive transportation modalities. Check it out--I'm sure there are many people in their early forties that either voted for this boondoggle or are actually designing it. Coincidence? I think not!

Fortunately, I happened to have this stamp in my personal collection so I was able to examine it first hand. The gum looked as one would expect for adhesives of that era -- thickish with some slight oxidation. Olfactory inspection of the gum did not reveal any monorail-evoking fumes, however it is reasonable to hypothesize that the agent would have completely outgassed in the time since the stamp's gumming. I was not about to lick the stamp -- not only because, if the above theory were true, I might have come under the sway of the Monorail, but also because I find the practice to be quite barbaric. In fact, I have never licked a stamp. Stamps are to be saved, not slobbered on. I briefly considered seeing if transdermal absorption might have an effect (normally I always take great care to only handle stamps with philatelic tongs and, if I must touch them, acid-free philatelic gloves,) but I thought better of it, fearing both my potential monorailization and the certain biofilm contamination of the stamp.

In the end, my inspection proved inconclusive. I would forward the stamp to ZPi Labs for further analysis, but knowing them they would destroy it in the process, or at the very least get Sasquatch fur in the gum. I am not prepared to make that sacrifice.

Until next time, happy philateling!

NWO Agent 5573-XQ

NWO MindPort

NWO Agent 5573-XQ | 2005-01-27.2620 LMT | Crafts | Mind Control | General Paranoia

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Begins:]

TO ALL NWO AGENTS AND BELGIAN H-1B WORKERS:

In order to better coördinate NWO agendas among agenda facilitators while cutting operating expenses, all non-field operatives will be required to construct a MindPort and deploy it in their work stations. This will allow for the direct delivery of NWO directives to the prefrontal cortices of all agents via deflection node signal propagation, decreasing the need for multiple intraoffice psychotrons across all agencies.

The MindPort device is composed of a psychotronically transparent, paper-based protective pyramidic shell enveloping a psychotronic deflection core made of a ball of aluminium foil crumpled according to a polystochastic Riemann manifold tesseractoid with its tensor wells aligned to four eyes printed on the shell surface for easy tuning. Sector-specific crumpling instructions will be burst-fed directly to agents' motor-control centres by their immediate supervisors.

Failure to install the deflection core inside the paper shell, thus rendering the MindPort a functionless ruse that anti-mind-control agitators could use to infiltrate NWO ranks without mental synchronization and sabotage our agendas, will result in the immediate liquidation and erasure from the collective consciousness of all responsible parties.

Attachment: mindport.pdf

[ZPi Intercepted Transmission Ends.]

Lyle Zapato

Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-25.1300 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | General Paranoia
Aluminum Tree

Paranoids are finding it increasingly difficult to obtain vintage Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Trees (SADTs), with prices currently starting at over US$400 and supplies dwindling.

Originally manufactured in the late 1950s as a way to arborescentally deflect multiple signals from stop-motion TV specials at the back of viewers' heads, thereby creating a holographic mind-control effect, a serious flaw in their design was discovered by paranoid researchers that allowed them to be used as psychotronic dampeners by simply adjusting the branch angles based on the Fibonacci numbers. Realizing their mistake, the NWO used negative propaganda in Charley Brown cartoons to dissuade the mass consumption of aluminum trees, but paranoids in the know were still able to obtain used ones cheaply through the black market.

In an apparent attempt to stop this, the NWO is using it's control over the affluent hipster and kitschophile communities (through such fronts as Hammacher Schlemmer and Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc.) to artificially increase the demand, making vintage devices difficult to come by. Furthermore, I suspect that they have figured a way around the Fibonacci bug and are manufacturing new, unafflicted versions, which, because of their crowd madness management, will sell like hot cakes next year when the prices are lowered. Paranoids should avoid these newer models.

What's so great about SADTs? Professor Hans Delbruck, in the ZPi guestbook, explains:

Aluminum trees have a para-branch effect which blocks the increased commercial psychotronic radiation at this time of year. Aluminum trees conserve habitat for the tree octopus and the Sasquatch. The Austin Powers-like effect of the revolving colored light box that one places under the tree has a soothing effect on the advanced paranoid hominoid, which is particularly valuable when used with full AFDBification and wrapping of gifts in aluminium foil.

Some links:

UPDATE 2008-12-17: Gather 'round your Seasonal Aluminum Deflection Tree and sing that classic paranoid tune, O Alumbaum!.

Lyle Zapato

"Aluminum Thieves" Targeting Cascadia

Lyle Zapato | 2004-12-20.5400 LMT | Aluminum | Cascadia | General Paranoia

The Columbian is reporting that South Central Cascadia is being hit by a wave of aluminum theft targeting guardrails, manhole covers, and baseball bleachers. While the explanation being given by NWO-aligned government officials is that the thieves are selling the metal for scrap to buy drugs, the obvious real reason is that the NWO is trying to limit the amount of aluminum barriers in the environment that could be blocking their psychotronic signals along roads and at ballparks. Government officials expressed kabuki-esque surprise that the thieves could manage to steal the large, bolted pieces of aluminum without anyone noticing. Conveniently, the "stolen" aluminum manhole covers are being replaced with psychotronically translucent steel ones, thereby allowing NWO agents lurking in our storm drains and sewers to freely target pedestrians.

The increase in "thefts" and attendant excuses by government officials point to a ramped-up mind control campaign by the combined forces of the DOT (possibly related to monorails) and the Minor League Baseball Cartel. Paranoids should be warned to wear extra aluminum protection while driving and pedestring and to not attend baseball games without first lining the seat of their pants with foil to thwart subbleacher psychotrons.

UPDATE: Newer report on aluminum "theft".

Lyle Zapato

GPM #9: Broadband The FCC Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-29.9870 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Letters

Broadband the FCC fat cat

Broadband is a cat who works for the US Federal Communications Commission (under Michael K. Powell, your FCC pal... wait, that was last week) at the FCC Kids Zone. Broadband teaches kids all about electronic communications and why the FCC has authority over all of them.

This communicatory omnipotence is conveyed by having Broadband explain about all sorts of things that you wouldn't normally associate with the FCC and its original mandate. For instance: How to safely unplug a USB device. Kids will learn that whenever they have questions about any form of electronic communication -- be it TV, cellphones, VoIP, email, floppy disks -- that they should turn to the FCC for guidance and governance.

Most deviously, Broadband's appearance -- a fat cat -- subtly conditions kids to find Big Media fat cats, whom the FCC are in cahoots with, cute and cuddly, thereby producing a generation of obedient IP consumers who will happily and unquestioningly accept ever more consolidation of ownership of media outlets. In addition, having a cat wear a striped FCC sweater (along with intermittent "wardrobe malfunction" witch hunts staged with the help of said fat cats) furthers the FCC's agenda to indoctrinate a fear of toppal nudity in the youth of North America in order to sell more RFID-tagged shirts, which of course need FCC approval to be sold, thereby extending the FCC's reach into your dresser drawers.

Oh, and you can email Broadband too! Here's what I wrote him:

Hi Broadband! You're my second favorite Federal government agency cat mascot after the NSA's Crypto Cat!

Why do you suffer from disfiguring facial twitches? Is your "GO" collar causing harmful electromagnetic interference? I would think you would have made sure it was in compliance with FCC rules before purchasing it.

What is Michael K. Powell like to work for? Does he give you generous holiday bonuses? Does he let you attend Council on Foreign Relations meetings? Can you get me his autograph?

Why aren't you wearing any pants? Isn't that indecent?

Thanks!

Your pal,
Lyle

I'll update if he writes me back.

Lyle Zapato

Cascadian Independence Fomentations

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-15.2550 LMT | Cascadia | Politics | Bohemian Grove Cabal

The Oregonian has a breezy overview of the Cascadian independence movement that ranges from Ecotopia to the State of Jefferson and all points in between. (It also mentions -- since the author contacted me for an interview -- the modest-but-statistically-notable increase in Cascadia auto sticker sales starting on Nov. 2, which has consequently caused a larger increase in sales since the day the article was published... it's all a vicious circle of profit!)

Anyway, a number of people emailed me recently with Cascadia-related suggestions and questions, which I'll haphazardly address here:

Jason points out that Linus Torvalds now resides in Portland, Cascadia. This means Cascadians are in the position to control both the main closed source (Microsoft Windows) and open source (Linux) operating systems, extending Cascadian influence to most computers on the planet.

Dave, Trina, and others argue that the Bay Area should be annexed along with the coccyx of the Cascade Mountain Range now under Californian occupation. Besides folding Silicon Valley, "a technological-economic power center," into the Cascadian mix, this would give Cascadia control of the Macintosh (as well as the manufacture of Cascadia auto stickers, which are currently being outsourced to San Leandro).

However, most people who advocate Bay Area Liberation underestimate the subtle yet terrifying sway that the Bohemian Grove Cabal has over this enclave. Besides the malleability of the population as a result of the Cabal's persistent, multidecade experiment with mind control on Bay Areaers (a.k.a. Project Aquarius), they could easily repel a Sasquatch Militia attack using their contingent of giant robotic owls.

Before we can even hope to free the peoples of San Francisco and the vicinity from Federalist rule, we need to firmly establish our presence in Cascadian NoCal. Gaining the high ground of the mountains will give Sasquatch Militia boulder throwers an important tactical advantage.

Rob, who has a radio show, thinks that Chicago should become the "Hawaii of Cascadia." While this does suggest the appetizing prospect of deep dish pizza with pineapple (I haven't had breakfast yet), it raises the issue, related to the one above, of how far the Republic of Cascadia should extend.

Over the years, I have gotten emails asking that Idaho, Montana, Alberta, Alaska, the Yukon, and other adjacent territories be allowed to join Cascadia. If we allowed them to join, then of course Wyoming, Saskatchewan, the Dakotas, Nevada, Utah, etc. would all want to join too, which would result in still further territories wanting to join, and so on until everyone in the world is Cascadian. While the prospect of a globally omnipresent Republic of Cascadia may seem a desirable goal to some, I feel it diminishes the main point of the Republic of Cascadia: regional sovereignty. If in fighting far-off Federalist rule, we end up becoming a far-off Federalist ruler, then what was the point?

Of course, the Republic of Cascadia is open to strategic alliances against the NWO with Chicago Free State, Uberdakota, or the Holy Saskatchewan Empire should the peoples of those areas choose to organize themselves as such.

ZPi

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Monorails

ZPi | 2004-10-22.6570 LMT | Monorail Danger | Politics | Cascadia | Simulacra

Monorails have emerged as one of the most important issues for Cascadian voters. To help inform people on this often complicated issue, ZPi presents two contrasting view points in the ongoing Monorail debate:

Lyle Zapato

POINT: Monorails Are A Danger To Society

Lyle Zapato, Concerned Citizen

I have mentioned some of the dangers that monorails pose to both passengers and innocent bystanders in previous entries in this space, but I have only surveyed the tip of this iceberg of public endangerment.

For those not following the debate, the known dangers of monorails include: spontaneous combustion of flammable monorail components in fire-accelerating open air; mechanical debris (possibly flaming) falling or even flying off and hitting pedestrians, cars, or nearby homes and businesses; precipitous, and likely deadly, drops for inattentive monorail passengers or those trying to escape flaming cars; monorail tracks that entice children to climb and walk along them with no way of escaping should a train approach (by contrast, surface train tracks allow one to walk safely to the side); increased chance of collateral deaths from chemical or biological attacks due to lack of individual pneumatic encapsulation of passengers; and potential for runaway monorail trains -- unbuffered by pneumatic pressure -- to collide, knocking one or both trains off their rail and onto helpless people below, before bursting into flames. Again, these are just the known dangers -- we can only wonder at what other dangers monorail researchers are keeping from the public.

It's just common sense that placing tens of thousands of pounds of heavy, highly combustible machinery over people's heads while moving at speeds in excess of most surface traffic is a recipe for disaster. So why do they insist on doing it? Monorail enthusiasts imagine a Cascadia converted into some sort of "monorailtopia". They started in Seattle, and now they want to branch outward, sending their elevated tendrils into our neighborhoods with no concern for the safety of our children, senior citizens, or pets. (If dogs chase after elevated monorail trains while craning their necks upward, might they accidentally fall into open manholes and die? Has this issue even been studied properly in the rush to monorailize our nation?)

Although they don't advertise the true extent of their agenda, it is obvious that the monorail proponents' ultimate goal is to link Cascadia to Disneyland -- where Imagineers have already established a monorail hub near their Simulacra factories -- which would allow trainloads of New World Order agents to pour into our nation unchecked. We have to ask: Are the monorail proponents in league with the NWO or merely their unknowing pawns?

Seattleites have always been on the front lines of this battle to secure Cascadia from the threat of monorails. Once again they are called upon to do their patriotic duty by recalling the monorail with a vote of YES on I-83.

The Monorailist

COUNTERPOINT: Mr. Zapato's Anti-Monorail FUD

The Monorailist, Monorail Activist

I must call on Mr. Zapato to cease his anti-monorail FUD. Yes, I said it: FUD. Mr. Zapato is trying to spread Fear, Uncertainty, and, yes, even Doubt, about the most awesome and elegant method of transportation ever devised by Modern Man: the Monorail.

This technological wonder, riding a slender thread of concrete held aloft as if yearning to touch the heavens, winding its way through the metropoli of Mankind's destiny -- of Mankind's destination! What dreams may it hold? What hopes does it carry? Is Fate its captain, or is He merely lounging in the snack car? Equal parts Enlightenment and Romance, Power and Grace, Bus and Train -- uniting all paradoxes into one glorious balance and thereby transporting us to a realm where futurism collides with magical realism, reifying the very Soul of Man in the form of a streamlined metallic tube. No mere people movers are these!

Instead of acknowledging the Monorail's many technical innovations, creature comforts, and its undeniably potent aesthetic grandeur, Mr. Zapato chooses to hyperfocus on and exaggerate a few aberrant incidents that have occurred over the course of the Monorail's long and storied history -- incidents that are nearly all due to lack of maintenance as a result of anti-monorail sentiments that have been fomented by the likes of Mr. Zapato and his Pneumaticist cohorts!

You see, what the public isn't being properly informed here on this biased website is that Mr. Zapato is only against monorails because his organization has developed an "alternative" system of transportation involving pneumatic "tube pods" -- as if you could call such a gaseous pipe-dream a real alternative to the sleek, modern experience of monorails!

If we as a Society -- as a Species, as the very culmination of Life on this planet -- are to mature -- to transcend our present state of existence -- and take our place among the advanced peoples of the Galaxy -- to be born again as Star Children, eyes opening on a New Dawn -- then monorails are inevitable. Is it going too far to suggest that monorails might be the Singularity? Perhaps. But it is the logical next step in our evolution and we cannot risk not taking it. However, instead of advancing forward with the certainty fitting our eons of history, Mr. Zapato would have us retreat -- to revert to a state not unlike that of the primordial tube worms. We are better than this; we will be better than this.

I strongly urge the people of Seattle to take a bold step into our Future by voting NO on I-83. Remember: Vote NO to say YES to monorails and NO to pneumatic tubes and YES to the Transcendence of Humanity -- for Tomorrow and Forever!