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Lyle Zapato

25 Digit Advantage

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-06.4420 LMT | Polydactylism

Devender Harne, who has 25 working fingers and toes (photos), is the next step in human evolution leading toward the manifestation of the Handlebrot set.

According to the mother of the 10-year-old from Nagpur, India: "I feel that he should make more progress in life that people with twenty fingers are not able to achieve."

Indeed, while the Babylonians recognized the inevitable rise of humans with six digits per limb with their sexagesimal numeral system, they could not have foreseen the beneficial mathematical complications of an extra toe. Devender may be the harbinger of a revolution in fuzzy numeral systems with variable bases.

The perception of extra digits is a common experience of people in altered states of consciousness. This link between the subconscious and dactyl evolution was explored in the documentary Altered States, in which William Hurt used psychotropic drugs and a sensory deprivation tank to force himself to transcend common pentadactylism.

As the Handlebrot archetype spreads through the collective subconsciousness, we should expect to see more instances of lateral polydactylism spurred by gathering morphogenic fields, eventually culminating in true fractal dactyl progress.

Lyle Zapato

Cyberterrorism

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-03.6240 LMT | Letters | Complaints Department

In response to my response to some hat-related spam, our friends at Star Position dropped us a letter:

One of my people emailed you in error. You've seen fit to put her phone number on it. In case it has not dawned on you, you are actually by doing this in violation of certain Penal Codes for the State of California -> look up 'cyberterrorism' 'cyberstalking' specifically California Penal Code 646.9 'actions which would be designed to put an individual in fear for their safety'

I'm going to look at your site again in 24 hours. You are going to be a good chap and remove any phone numbers from any postings relating to my company, Star Position. And before you blow this off, or do something truly even more stupid than what you have done, I suggest you do a google search for California Penal Code 646.9 and related topics. We are based in California.

Best Regards,

Robert Sexton
Director of Business Development, Star Position US and Star Position UK

Toll Free: [REDACTED!], extension [REDACTED!]
International: [REDACTED!]

Websites:
Star Position US: WWW.[REDACTED!].COM
Star Position UK: WWW.[REDACTED!].CO.UK

Proud member of the Better Business Bureau

Apparently, revealing telephone numbers for businesses, even ones that are routinely spammed to public listserves and fora (see here, here, here, here, and here), constitutes "cyberterrorism" in California, at least in Rob's view.

(Here's the actual text of the 646.9 code. I'll leave it up to the reader to figure how repeating a publicly available business number once constitutes two or more acts of harassement against a specific person with a credible threat to his or her safety. Also note that "terrorism", cyber or otherwise, appears nowhere in the text. But hey, it sounds cool.)

Anyway, to ease any fears, rational or otherwise, that Rob or his people might have for their safety by having their business numbers in one additional place on the Net that I may have unintentionally caused, I have redacted the numbers from this and the previous email. I also redacted the web addresses above, since I'm just that good of a chap.

On a side note, Rob's people seem to have some issues with sending emails in error. Perhaps he will be a good chap and look into fixing that.

UPDATE 2007-09-03: (I just noticed I forgot to link to the post that prompted the above exchange, so I updated the first sentence accordingly.)

My attention was drawn back here thanks to an email from Amy Alkon at the Advice Goddess Blog, who has had a run in with Rob. She was fed up with getting spam from him and his refusal to remove her from his spam lists after repeated requests, so she contacted one of the clients he spams for. That got his attention, and he promptly threatened to sue her for "tortuous interference with a business". Responding to Alkon's complaint on the Better Business Bureau site, he then told some fibs (according to Alkon) and summarized his response as "Ms. Alkon needs to calm down". Funny, coming from a guy who accuses random bloggers of "cyberterrorism".

Lyle Zapato

Seeking A Good Source Of Different Types Of Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-01.2820 LMT | Letters | Fashion | Crass Commercialism

Yesterday I received another business inquiry regarding hats:

Subject: Seeking a good source of different types of hats.. please read (September 30, 2005)

Hello,

Some of my clients are searching online for a reputable source of different types of hats. My job is to find one place to send them to for specific markets. I'd like to discuss an arrangement with you about this.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I will be in today (Friday) from 8:00 AM PST to 5:00 PM PST. You'll need to be at your computer when you call me. Please call when you have a few minutes and I will a) demonstrate how you would benefit from what we do and b) answer any and all questions you have.

Best Regards,

Liz Monteroso
Business Segment Analyst, Star Position

Phone (US): [REDACTED!] extension [REDACTED!]
Outside US: [REDACTED!]

PS: I am not referring to a leads-based system. It is my job to send my clients looking from the search engines to one place at the exact moment they are looking. We have over 17,400,000 people on our network, and growing.

To which I replied:

Hi,

Zapato Productions intradimensional (ZPi) does not sell hats nor direct traffic to people who do, although I can understand your confusion since we come in 5th on a Google search for "hat".

What we do do is offer instructions for people to make a certain type of hat called an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB). This hat, as the name implies, is made of aluminum foil and is able to deflect psychotronic mind control of the sort employed by the New World Order, the NWO's various subsidiaries, marketing firms, lone evil geniuses, and paraterrestrial entities, thus keeping the wearer's thoughts secure. It's like Macrovision for one's head.

Again, we do not sell these hats. In fact, we discourage people from buying them as a matter of mental security. Purchased AFDBs may contain psychotronic circuitry that allows the seller a backdoor into the penetralia of the buyer's mind.

While that ability may seem beneficial to you as an Agent of Marketing, I hope you can understand why this would be undesirable from the point of view of paranoids and others concerned about mental property (MP) rights management. Mental piracy is an increasing concern, as technological advances have made it easier for people such as yourself to steal the mental works of innocent thinkers.

We at ZPi are strongly opposed to this, and would be working towards the introduction of legislation aimed at stopping such practices if it weren't for the government being deeply involved in them. Instead, we offer paranoids technological solutions to take MP protection into their own hands with, among other things, hats.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
CEO, Zapato Productions intradimensional

(As astute readers will have noticed, the AFDB page has moved down one whole spot on the Google hat search since the previous inquiry in May. Such is the unfortunate realities of the cut-throat hat search game.)

The Business Segment Analysts at Star Position are very busy seeking reputable sources of various things, including Harley-Davidson motorcycles, fencing materials, health and beauty products, information on skateboarding, and gay fetish websites. Who knew there were so many diverse business segments?

According to Star Position's website (the address of which I'll let you figure out), they are a so-called Search Engine Optimization (SEO) company that sells Keywords (Patent Pending). Keywords are what the domain name system would have been like if was designed by unctuous middlemen instead of bearded anarchists -- less URI and more ROI.

A Keyword is a word that one can type into one's browser address bar and be taken directly to the site of whoever licensed that word -- assuming that one first downloaded and installed a "browser upgrade" from some shifty marketing firm. Why wouldn't anyone want to do that? According to their FAK (Facts About Keywords):

Q: How many individuals have upgraded their browsers to accept keywords?

A: Millions. Everyday hundreds of thousands of people upgrade to a keyword browser globally. Keywords are quickly becoming the Internet standard for direct access to web addresses.

What's that you say? You are using one of those old fashioned, non-standard browsers that doesn't let you go directly to www.hotferretlovin.com when you type "ferret" in your address bar? How can you live in such a state of barbarity?

Keywords were created to make it quicker for potential customers to get to your site. Instead of searching on Google or typing all sorts of tedious technogobbledygook like http:// or www or .com, your potential customers only have to type one word.

But what if the word is too long or difficult to spell? Do you really expect customers to spend all their precious time typing or looking up the word in a dictionary? In the time it takes them to do that, your competitors could swoop in and steal your sales! Fortunately, we at ZPi have a solution:

ZPi Keyword Keywords (Patent Pending)!

Keyword Keywords let potential customers go directly to your Keyword, and thus your site, without all that excess typing or spell checking!

Let's say you have licensed the Keyword "unctuous" for direct access to your online snake oil store. Instead of having to type out the whole, oddly spelled word, your potential customers would only have to type the Keyword Keyword "unc". When they hit enter, their browsers -- which have been upgraded with ZPi Keyword Keyword technology (Patent Pending) -- look up "unc" on our Keyword Keyword Server, find that it has been licensed to link to the Keyword "unctuous", then enter that Keyword, thus taking them directly to your site. It's just that simple!

But hurry! There are an even more limited number of Keyword Keywords than Keywords. If you don't license your ZPi Keyword Keyword today, your potential snake oil customers might end up being directed to a mohel or gay fetish website instead!

UPDATE: See follow-up post where I am accused of cyberterrorism by Liz's boss.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Defeated The Nazis

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-30.2020 LMT | Aluminum

ZPi reader Harry H. emailed this interesting historical note found in the Sept. 29th entry of Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac marking the birthday of Enrico Fermi:

[Fermi] almost discovered nuclear fission in 1934, when he was still living in Italy, in a series of experiments with neutrons. And if he had not made the mistake of using tinfoil to wrap his sample of uranium, nuclear energy would probably have been discovered that year, might even have been used by Hitler to win the war.

Let this be a lesson to all of you: wrap everything in foil. The future will thank you.

Lyle Zapato

Gun-Slinging Lord Kelvin Speaks!

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-26.2470 LMT | Kelviniana

Voices of History 2: Arts, Science & Exploration, a new CD set of rare and historic recordings from the British Library, features the only known recording of Lord Kelvin speaking. Unfortunately, no word on what he has to say. It's available on the 28th.

Also newly available: Edison's Conquest of Mars (IEEE review with background info) -- the first full reprint with original illustrations of the unauthorized, serialized technothriller sequel to H.G. Wells's The War of the Worlds, written a year later in 1898 by astronomer and science journalist Garrett P. Serviss.

The novel, a classic example of Edisonade (Victorian and Edwardian era science fiction -- see here for more info on the genre), is primarily about Thomas Edison leading a counter-attack against the Red Scourge of Mars, and features cameo appearances from other famous contemporary scientists, including a "disintegrator-gun-slinging Lord Kelvin."

I haven't read it, but I hope while blasting Martians he gets in some good action lines like "You, like radio, have no future!" or "To measure is to know, but to disintegrate is to DIE!"

UPDATE: I have since read it and added a review.

Lyle Zapato

The Monorail-Paraterrestrial Connection

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-26.1140 LMT | Monorail Danger | NWO | Paraterrestrials

Thanks to the last minute pressure from Seattle Mayor and pneumatic-tube-supporter Greg Nickels, Cascadia is safe from NWO monorail incursions for the time being.

Meanwhile, the citizens of Las Vegas are just now starting to understand the true Monorailist agenda:

Klingon and Andorian ride the monorail

Sept. 22, 2005 -- Twelve aliens suddenly materialized from a wall of space fog as they invaded the Las Vegas Monorail today. Klingon Lieutenant Commander Voq'ha announced that the delegation of Klingons, Vulcans, Borgs, Romulans, Ferengi, and Andorians would ride the Las Vegas Monorail each day until the end of the year. As they visit Earth, on an intergalactic reconnaissance mission, they will interact with the tens of thousands of Las Vegas visitors who ride the monorail every day.

...

"From the farthest reaches of the universe we have watched the Las Vegas Monorail operate flawlessly since the Earth month of January,"* proclaimed Lieutenant Commander Voq'ha ... "We consider this invasion a peaceful reconnaissance mission and plan to learn more about the monorail which we have identified as the most technologically advanced public-transit system in the Milky Way galaxy."

(* Note how this conveniently overlooks the less-than-flawless operations prior to January.)

While the paraterrestrials were fake (as far as we know), this stunt clearly shows that Monorailists are conspiring with real paraterrestrial forces to inculcate acceptance of paraterrestrial activities on Earth's public transportation systems. Furthermore, Monorailists want to share our secrets with them:

"It is an unprecedented honor to welcome this prestigious delegation to Earth," said Curtis Myles, president and CEO of the Las Vegas Monorail Co. "We intend to openly share our public-transit technologies with Lieutenant Commander Voq'ha and the other delegates, and we will communicate them as necessary during their three-month mission."

Lest you think such Monorailist-Paraterrestrial conspiring could never happen in Cascadia, consider this: Is it just a coincidence that the current Seattle Monorail was built in proximity to the Space Needle or that it runs through the Science Fiction Museum via a hole next to a large, clawed flying-croissant (near where it burst into flames a year ago)?

monorail and flying-croissant
What really happens to monorail riders as they pass through there?
Do any of them experience "missing time"?

Seattlites: remember to vote NO in November for the new monorail ballot proposal -- that is, unless you want to be assimilated.

Lyle Zapato

Dactyl Fractal Metastasizes

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-24.7530 LMT | Random Found Thing | Polydactylism

Here's an ad for Verizon broadband found in October's Wired:

Look familiar?

So, here's the question: Did Verizon's ad agency get the idea from my site (consciously or unconsciously), did both they and I get the idea from some third party that I've forgotten about, or is it that the evolution of the Human mind has reached a turning point -- spurred, perhaps, by our increased reliance on finger-mediated communication -- where the archetype of the Handlebrot is now manifesting itself spontaneously in our collective consciousness and we should expect to see it pop up in more places as time progresses?

If any Jungian chaoticians have a theory, I would be happy to hear it.

Lyle Zapato

The Atomium Resurfaces

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-16.7320 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Aluminum

In the guestbook, Cascadia Patriot points to a news story today about the Belgians unveiling the Atomium's restored exterior. They're claiming that its new stainless steel coverings will stand up to Belgium's supposedly wet and windy weather better than the old aluminum ones. This is a lie for two reasons:

Atomium
Mirror balls and tubes -- sure, that doesn't look like it exists only in a computer. Where's the checkerboard ground receding into infinity?

1) The Atomium doesn't exist.

I mean, just look at it! Who would build such a ridiculous thing? It is a fictitious building in a fictitious country. As such, fictitious weather isn't going to affect it, except fictitiously. They only pretend to have such absurd buildings to make Belgium seem like a technological Utopia (that and it's supposedly the HQ of Captain Euro.)

2) Aluminum can stand up to the elements just fine.

In reality, this whole "renovation" story is a ruse to spread FUD about Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanies. They want you to associate aluminum with something to be removed and disposed of, hoping you will "renovate" your currently safely beanied head, thus leaving yourself exposed to the Conspiracy's psychotronic manipulation.

Furthermore, as reported here previously, the Belgians were selling the supposedly stripped off aluminum sheet to the public, hoping that paranoids would be foolish enough to buy it for use in shielding their homes so they can walk around beanieless, not realizing that the aluminum was newly manufactured with embedded psychotronic circuitry that would turn any structure shielded with it into a Belgification device.

Thanks, "Belgium", but I'll stick with my AFDB and the more probable architecture of Cascadia...

Lyle Zapato

GPM #15: Professor Polar Bear

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-16.4630 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Black Helicopters
Professor Polar Bear

Professor Polar Bear lives just north of Barrow, Alaska. A rather bookish fellow, he learned all he could about the environment from an Eskimo tribe (instead of trying to eat them). The Professor saw a troubling trend:

Recently Professor Polar Bear has become concerned about melting ice and the warming environment. Professor Polar Bear brought this warming problem to the attention of some new friends he met while feeding one day.

(Feeding on whom, one wonders...) These new friends were members of the US Atmospheric Radiation Measurement (ARM) Program, for whom the Professor now works as an expert on global warming, weather, radiation, and pointing at things. There he joins fellow GPMs Teacher Turtle and PI Prairie Dog in the ARM Study Hall. (In introducing PI Prairie Dog, a "principal investigator for the ARM Program", the site oddly notes that members of his species were once found living in a colony the size of Belgium.)

So what exactly does ARM do? They claim they work under the DOE monitoring the atmosphere to study global climate changes using such sinister looking equipment as this:

SKYRAD

ARM is also involved in the study of aerosols and their effects on the atmosphere. However they aren't just conducting passive measurements. As uncovered by special ops agents of the Georgia Militia, ARM is working with the DOE's Atmospheric Science Program to use unmanned aerospace vehicles to study the nucleating properties of aerosol sprays. In other words: They are creating chemtrails.

Much like a polar bear in nerd's clothing, ARM's seemingly innocent studies are actually a cover for potential Eskimo-endangering destruction. Unfortunately, their activities raise more questions than we have answers for at this time: Could it be that they are conducting an advanced black helicopter breeding program on the North Slope of Alaska? Why are spruce beetles mysteriously drawn to the area? Are they in league with HAARP to control the weather? And what was the real reason that US Senators John McCain and Hillary Rodham Clinton visited Barrow, Alaska last month for a helicopter ride?

Lyle Zapato

Limericktionary

Lyle Zapato | 2005-09-12.2100 LMT | Letters | Miscellaneous | Art

A loyal reader writes in with a link and suggestion:

I am not sure this is up your alley, but as a long-time fan of you and your website (I even bought the book), and also of the website mentioned below, I thought I'd send you the following address: www.oedilf.com. Ostensibly, it has nothing to do with the NWO, but then again, who can ever be certain?

Again, I don't know that limerick-writing is your thing, but for a man of your talents, I would not be surprised. Anyways, you can at least write one about AFDBs or black helicopters, to raise consciousness about these matters. (If it is rejected, we'll know for sure that the site is just another devious attempt by the NWO at controlling peoples' language, and hence, their minds.)

Yours,
Hollander

The site he links to is The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form, which, as the name implies, has limericks for every word submitted by people with too much time on their hands. Exactly my sort of thing!

Here's one I just wrote to raise consciousness about the importance of beanie camouflage:

Aluminum makes a nice hat;
All paranoids will tell you that.
But what most don't know
Is the shine will show
Up on the CIA's landsat.

Since there's a minor limerick war over the spelling of the name of lucky atomic element 13, here's a more historical take:

Sir Davy coined "alumium",
Then said it was "aluminum".
"The end's improper!
(Rather 'twere 'copper'...)
Hell! Call it 'aluminium'!"

I'll submit them and we'll see just how far the NWO's language control goes...

Update: I've been informed by Hollander that those two limericks just won't do. Here's a correction of the first using some suggestions of his:

Aluminum makes a nice hat.
All paranoids will tell you that.
But what most do not know
Is reflections will show
On the CIA's evil landsat.

The second one was a complete disaster, so I redid it:

"Alumium" Davy first picks,
Then thinks that "aluminum" clicks.
"But the end don't agree
With my K and Mg!
I hope 'aluminium' sticks."