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Lyle Zapato

Spider Not-So-Mini-Anymore

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-21.5940 LMT | Nature | Art | Black Helicopters

A member of the orb weaver (Araneidae) family. I think it might be Uncle Earl.

A recent article on making a macro lens using a Pringles can led me to a fortunate discovery that may be of use, or at least give ideas, to someone else, so I'll pass it along...

It turns out that a lens hood accessory I had lying around from a circa-1960s Pentax SLR can be jury-rigged to allow the use of that camera's filters and lenses with my Sony Mavica CD500 digicam (which otherwise would need a $35 adaptor from Sony to accept accessories). The hood, intended to keep stray light out of lenses, is just a metal tube with threading on one end that screws into the filter threads on the lenses (not all hoods use threading, though -- I also have one from another camera that uses a compression fitting.)

By lining the inside with a 3cm wide strip of felt cut to the inner diameter, the hood can be slid, thread-end pointing out, snugly onto the telescoping-lens base of the Mavica. It's just the right length to allow clearance for the moving lens, which can now be enclosed and protected with a filter.

Besides filters, lenses can also be screwed onto the hood's threads, albeit backwards. What use is a backwards lens? Macro photography! Reversing a standard lens turns it into a serviceable macro lens. (For those with the same camera: Turn the macro mode on and zoom all the way in. Do not use the "Conversion Lens" mode.) Wide angle lenses give even better magnification, but will have greater vignetting. Oh, and try a telephoto lens if you feel burdened by too many megapixels.

Anyway, here's some pics taken with my newly-discovered macro lens:

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Lyle Zapato

Belgian Makes Tiny Helicopter Friend For Pet Hamster

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-14.9900 LMT | Black Helicopters | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | Technology

Meet Pixelito, the microcopter made in Belgium! (Do I even need to expand on this one? Oh, why not...)

Not to be outdone by the Monorailists, the Belgian Conspiracy -- expert in the manufacture of false reality -- is colluding with its NWO cohorts to desensitize the public to tiny helicopters by making them seem like innocent, even desirable, play things. They claim you will control them, but we know they'll end up controlling you.

Note the numerous photos and country-western video of the microcopter with an adorable, cuddly rodent. This crude but effective form of mind control involves a deep psychoevolutionary construct known as "cuteness." By juxtaposing the "cute" hamster with the coldly carbon-black Pixelito, there occurs a psychological transference of the hamsterian paedomorphic traits to the microcopter, conditioning an elicitation of a maternal response towards Black Helicopters. (Users of MindGuard will recognize this technique from the numerous deciphered signals they receive involving "cute kittens.") The site explicitly links hamsterness with Black-Helicopterness, even going so far as to suggest that hamsters are a pastiche of the Black Helicopter archetype:

The idea of the hamster was inspired by the shape of the 'canopy'. Somehow they both seem to 'sit' the same way!

Thus, instead of fearing a Black Helicopter, as one should, one is made to want to invite it into one's living room and let it use one's naked feet as a landing pad. Devious.

Real microscopic Black Helicopters are of course much more technologically advanced and don't require Belgians to build them, as they can self-replicate. However, revealing the TRUTH about Black Helicopters in one fell swoop would only scare the public. By slowly acclimating people using cute transference, the NWO hopes to ease the social transition into the new nanobiotechnological paradigm and promote acceptance for constant surveillance in our homes by swarms of tiny copters.

Lyle Zapato

Multilingual Suffocation Avoidance

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-10.6550 LMT | Random Found Thing

Microsoft provides the future with a safety-conscious Rosetta Stone that leverages both ubiquity and non­bio­de­grad­able­ness to conserve both languages and infant lives.

Plastic keyboard bag with warnings

Every keyboard they sell comes in the above plastic bag that teaches you how to write...

WARNING

Infants and young children can fatally suffocate when their faces are within or next to a plastic bag. Discard this bag immediately. Keep away from children, infants, cribs, beds, playpens or carriages.

...in 24 languages. The remaining 23 are reproduced below for your linguistic amusement:

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Lyle Zapato

Belgian Orientation Film In Celebration

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-06.4320 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Letters | Entertainment

A paranoid operative deep under cover inside the Disney-controlled "town" of Celebration, Florida (name withheld to protect them from the wrath of Town Hall) forwards this not-really-shocking-at-all notice that was handed out to Cast Citizens:

On Wednesday, Dec. 7, a film crew from Belgium will be filming a show titled "How to Start Your Own Country" throughout the day in Celebration. This project has been authorized by Town Hall, and a representative from Town Hall will be present at all times.

My guess is they are creating a new orientation film for those working behind the scenes at the Belgian Conspiracy -- a replacement for their older one:

Film frame
Belgian Conspiracy orientation film frame, smuggled out of Disney-controlled ABC.
Lyle Zapato

Nanomonorails

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-05.2540 LMT | Monorail Danger | Technology | NWO | Black Helicopters

Yet more on the Monorailist agenda operating inside of Cascadia. This time, they want you to wear nanoscopic monorails woven into your clothing:

Imagine clothing that repairs itself when damaged. Or structures that grow and change to adapt to changes in the environment, in much the same way as living things.

A key area of research leading toward this vision of the future involves building nanoengines and tiny shuttle systems that could be woven into the fabric of objects to transport materials at the molecular level. [Viola Vogel, director of the University of Washington's Center for Nanotechnology,] and her colleagues have been working on such systems -- a monorail at the nanoscale, as it were -- with some success.

Self-healing clothing is all fine and good, but what happens when your warp collides with your woof and spontaneously combusts?

Even more troubling, this development exposes strange new dealings between the Monorailists and NWO, makers of the Black Helicopters. Black Helicopters, as you will recall from the link you just clicked in the previous sentence, are grown from seed crystals using nanobiotechnology -- that is, nanotechnology that incorporates biological elements to create nanoscopic cyborgs. This is exactly the same technology, undoubtedly provided by the NWO, that Vogel is using to develop her nanomonorails:

In delving into the concept of nanoshuttles, Vogel and her team studied two motor proteins used for transport in the body: kinesin and myosin. Kinesin is found in all of the body's cells and moves along a cell's cytoskeleton -- a network of rigid microtubules that help impart shape and structure to a cell -- to carry neurotransmitters to where they are needed. Myosin is found in muscles, where it interacts with another protein, actin, to cause muscle contraction.

Vogel has already built a prototype nanomonorail shuttle powered by ATP and made of microtubules propelled by a stationary rail of kinesin (an inversion -- or should we say perversion -- of normal biology). She also used the cell growth factor biotin to bind cargo to the nanomonorail shuttle. All of these are biochemicals present in the human body, thus making her abomination a cybernetic human-monorail nanohybrid.

Clearly all this talk of structures that change to adapt to the environment is just an innocuous sounding cover story for the continual, gradual public acclimation to a new nanobiotechnological paradigm, one in which everyone will have nanomonorails coursing first through their homes, then their clothes, and eventually their bodies. Why bother with that messy business of inoculating cows with seed crystals when the NWO can simply transmogrify any one of us into a Black Helicopter at will?

Lyle Zapato

Carpetbagging Monorailists: A Cascadian Tradition

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-29.2150 LMT | Monorail Danger | Cascadia | Technology | Retro

There was a story on Evening Magazine last night about "The Northwest's 10 Greatest Unsolved Mysteries". Besides yet again bringing up D.B. Cooper -- whom you should all just forget you ever heard about -- it had one topical mystery I had somehow missed: the details surrounding a prototype monorail built on the Tacoma tideflats in 1910 or 1911.

William H. Boyes monorail prototype, from monorails.org

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Lyle Zapato

Monorail Collision Aftermath

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-28.2230 LMT | Monorail Danger | Cascadia | Paraterrestrials

Monorail apologists are claiming that the accident was the fault of pilot error resulting from a 1988 track redesign intended to allow the monorail to dock at the then-new Westlake Center mall, and not caused by design flaws inherent in monorailular transportation.

But I disagree. Having a vehicle straddling a thin track (as opposed to, say, traveling safely inside a tube) increases the possibility for miscalculations in the inter-track distance necessary for bi-directional train clearance. It also invites planners into thinking they can get away with tracks too close together if they just institute passing protocols -- protocols which will eventually fail, as appears to be the current case. Clearly, monorails lead to sloppy engineering, which will lead to mass slaughter.

Meanwhile, the Seattle P.I. has quotes from pedestrians gawking at the stuck Monorail trains, which include this suspicious individual:

"It's an accident waiting to happen. Those tracks are too close together," said a man carrying a pet ferret.

Innocent, if overly obvious, observation from a man out walking his weasel or something more sinister? I reported previously on the Monorail-Paraterrestrial connection in Las Vegas. Now it seems that the Seattle Monorail collision has attracted even less savory paraterrestrial attention. It's highly likely that the above ferret owner is actually under the control of Ferretoids.

The Ferretoids -- pseudomammalian paraterrestrials from chilly Planet X somewhere in the Oort Cloud who operate on Earth from underground bases in Antarctica -- have been remotely infiltrating Seattle for over a decade via Starbucks franchises, which they use as fronts to infect would-be sycophants with mind-controlling brainworms that feed off of alkaloids found in coffee, particularly caffeine, to nurish their biopsychotronic organs. It is through these psychosycophants that the Ferretoids try to influence Earth affairs, since the planet is much too warm for them to venture out on their own.

The Ferretoids have long been trying to sabotage the activities of other paraterrestrials on Earth, not necessarily with any goal in mind, but just because they're a bunch of obnoxious jerks. If they learned that other paraterrestrials were involved in the spread of monorails, it would be entirely in character for them to send a lackey to the crash scene to bad-mouth monorails to the press.

While I agree with the statement about monorails being an accident waiting to happen, I must emphasize that I and Zapato Productions intradimensional are in no way supportive of Ferretoids or their agenda, whatever it may be. The Ferretoids are merely belligerent opportunists and would support monorails if they thought it would be annoying to other paraterrestrials.

Lyle Zapato

Monorail Collision Over Seattle

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-26.9450 LMT | Monorail Danger | Cascadia
AP Photo
(Fire added by ZPi to dramatize possible spontaneous combustion.)

Seattleites are again reminded why they voted "No" on dangerous monorails as tonight yet another accident occurred.

This time the Red and Blue monorail trains collided on a turn near Westlake, sending sparks flying and raining down shards of monorail glass on the streets below the track, narrowly missing slicing up innocent holiday shoppers who just want to live their lives in peace, unmolested by monorails. By sheer luck, only two of the 84 passengers sustained physical injuries requiring a trip to the hospital, although emotional scars will no doubt haunt them all for the rest of their lives -- as is the case with most monorail victims.

Passengers reported a loud, metal-on-metal screeching sound and people sliding out of their seats when the trains struck. In a notoriously unwise design decision, monorail trains -- although high-speed and elevated tens of feet off the ground -- are not equipped with seatbelts*. It was fortunate that no passengers flew out of their seats and through the ripped-off sliding door to their deaths on the sidewalk below.

Since the trains are elevated, evacuating all the passengers took over an hour and required fire ladders. If during that time the trains spontaneously combusted like one did last year, who knows how many passengers would have been cinderized in the blaze.

This is just the latest in a slew of recent accidents involving monorails around the world, including ones in Malaysia, California, and Las Vegas. So far no one has been killed, but it is just a matter of time.

* In contrast, ZPi Inteli-Tube pods are fully equipped with seatbelts and airbags. Plus, side collisions are not an issue since pods travel in enclosed tubes, with buffers of compressed air separating the pods before and after.

Lyle Zapato

Lord Kelvin: Military Leader

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-23.9400 LMT | Kelviniana | Random Found Thing

From an eBay auction for a 1912 biography, Lord Kelvin: His Life and Work (emphasis added, all of it sic):

Lord Kelvin

Lord Kelvin was one of those super human beings who
excelled in everything he did.
Born in Ireland 1824, his father moved to Glasgow to be
a mathematics chair in Glasgow University. Then only
11 years old Lord Kelvin became a student there and
quickly became the star student!
He excelled in other
universities and even rowed in the winning team of
Oxford/Cambridge race. At age of 22 he became the
chair of natural philosophy in University of Glasgow
for 47 years, becoming a well-known author and authority.

He was one of the first persons to recognize the importance
of electricity and telgraphy. He developed many patents
of mathematics and physical inventions.
He was a specialist in heat, wave-motion,
electrostatics and magnetism.
He is most well known as a military leader.
This book has an emphasis on his scientific work.

Right. If you want a book with an emphasis on his military leadership in the war to liberate Mars, you need to read the previously mentioned one.

Lyle Zapato

Edison's Conquest of Mars

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-14.5800 LMT | Kelviniana | Entertainment | Technology | Retro

As previously mentioned, Edison's Conquest of Mars by Garrett P. Serviss is an unauthorized 1898 sequel to H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. Unauthorized by Wells, that is. It was authorized by Thomas A. Edison, and the story reads like an Edison promotional vehicle (which it essentially was):


Edison reveals his inventions to the assembled leaders of Earth, including the insufferable Kaiser Wilhelm -- curse his handlebar moustache!

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