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Lyle Zapato

MIT Mind-Reading Device

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-06.9035 LMT | Mind Control | Technology | Aluminum | General Paranoia

You may remember MIT Media Lab, the DARPA-funded organization that previously issued a fatally flawed study that found deflector beanie technology worthless, if not counter-productive.

Well, Tuesday at the 2006 Body Sensor Network Conference, one of their research teams revealed that they have been working on a government-funded mind-reading device. Why am I not shocked?

The ESP: Emotional Social Intelligence Prosthetic enables a speaker to detect boredom in a listener via a vibrating belt. While not a true mind-reading device since it only infers affective-cognitive mental states via facial signals, it clearly shows that MIT is working on invading people's minds to learn their secrets. From the ESP mission statement:

In psychology, theory of mind or "mind-reading" describes our ability to attribute mental states to others from their behavior and to use that knowledge to guide our actions and predict those of others.

Of course, this touchy-feely device is only being released to condition public acceptance of wearable mind-reading doodads. Presumably their more invasive psychotronics-based MR technology -- technology that would, coincidentally, be rendered useless with wide-spread adoption of deflector beanies -- is only being shared with their partners in the Military-Industrial Complex (the ESP project is funded by the National Science Foundation, a government agency in league with DARPA).

Of note: the founder of Media Lab, Nicholas Negroponte, is the brother of John Negroponte, Director of National Intelligence, who oversees all US intelligence agencies including the CIA, FBI, NSA, NGA, NRO, and others interested in either reading or altering your mind.

Nicholas' current project with Media Labs is a universal mind-control delivery platform targeted at the Third World. I am working on getting one of these devices from undercover paranoid agents to see if MindGuard can be made to run on it. Hopefully the underprivileged children of the world won't have to fall victim to the nefarious schemes of the Negroponte brothers.

Lyle Zapato

Teslabrations!

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-26.9900 LMT | Announcement | Kelviniana | Technology

The Tesla Society has asked me to mention that Nikola Tesla's 150th birthday is coming up on July 10, 2006. Be sure to join in the WORLDWIDE TESLABRATIONS! You still have plenty of time to build your own Tesla coil.

Lord Kelvin thought highly of Tesla, saying that he had "contributed more to electrical science than any man up to his time." It was Kelvin who in 1893 headed the Niagara Falls Commission which chose Tesla's AC technology over Edison's DC.

When Tesla was being mocked by the media for revealing that he received radio transmissions from Mars, Kelvin came to his defense and silenced all criticism by proclaiming himself in complete agreement that Mars was signalling New York, since it was the "most marvellous lighted city in the world" and the only place visible to the Martians.

(Kelvin's proclamation was reported in "Lord Kelvin Believes Mars Now Signalling America", Philadelphia North American, May 18, 1902, Mag. Sec. V, which I haven't yet seen. If anyone knows where to find a copy of this, or any other related reports, please contact me.)

(UPDATE: Lord Kelvin later denied he agreed with Tesla on Martian signals. See: "On the Martians Signalling Earth.")

Kelvin and Tesla also corresponded, as well as exchanging books on electrical science and Vedic philosophy:

15, Eaton Place
London, S.W.
May 20, 1902

Dear Mr. Tesla,

I do not know how I can ever thank you enough for the most kind letter of May, 10, which I found in my cabin in the Lucania, with the beautiful books which you most kindly sent me along with it:--"The Buried Temple", "The Gospel of Bhudda", "Les Grands Inities", the exquisite edition of Rossetti's "House of Life", and last but not least the Century Magazine for June, 1900 with the splendid and marvellous photographs on pp. 176, 187, 190, 191, 192, full of electrical lessons.

We had a most beautiful passage across the Atlantic, much the finest I have ever had. I was trying hard nearly all the way, but quite unsuccessfully, to find something definite as to the functions of ether in respect to plain, old fashioned magnetism. A propos of this, I have instructed the publishers, Messrs. Macmillan, to send you at the Waldorf a copy of my book (Collection of Separate Papers) on Electrostatics and Magnetism. I shall be glad if you will accept it from me as a very small mark of my gratitude to you for your kindness. You may possibly find something interesting in the articles on Atmospheric Electricity which it contains.

Lady Kelvin joins me in kind regards, and I remain,

Yours always truly,

Kelvin

Thank you also warmly for the beautiful flowers.

Lyle Zapato

GPMish: Mars Fun Zone!

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-12.5010 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

NASA welcomes you to the Mars Fun Zone!, where you'll find many fun Mars activities.

My favorite is Build a World on Mars, which lets you drag and drop sundry space bric-a-brac onto one of three Martian backdrops in order to create triumphal scenes of NASA conquest. I instead used it to build the following cautionary tableau:

Mars Fun Zone!

Here we see three Marsonauts, only one of whom is properly protected against the many mind-control satellites that circle the planet. Unfortunately, our paranoid planeteer mistakenly wore his AFDB on the outside of his helmet where the other two could see it, prompting them to attack with pickaxes.

The moral of this extraterrestrial exemplum? Always conceal or camouflage your beanie when out and about unless you too want to be pickaxed.

Lyle Zapato

Dubailand Monorail -- Now With Predation

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-05.6860 LMT | Monorail Danger | Simulacra | Technology

This has disaster written all over it.

City of Arabia is a centrally-planned city being built in Dubai. When finished in 2008, it will feature residential and commercial towers, the world's largest shopping mall, and a canal-lined walk with cafes and restaurants.

While this all sounds very pleasant in a creepy, control-freaky, Michael-Jackson-welcoming way, it's marred by the tragic decision to tie the whole city together with a monorail system. Dubai is inordinately fond of the adjective "ultra-modern", so it's odd that they would choose a hundred-year-old, archaic form of transportation that doesn't even employ tubes. Also, have they really considered the extreme danger posed by spontaneous monorail combustion, what with all that oil they have lying around? (And yet they have even more monorails planned!)

Oh, but it gets much worse...

Besides the towers and mall and whatnot, the monorail will also go through a themepark called Restless Planet, a pluri-Crichtonesque nightmare that will include more than 100 animatronic dinosaurs able to walk and "track visitors with their eyes".

Their site has a breathless video (10Mio) calling it a "phantasmagorical vision", "a palentologist's delight", and "a lay person's formal introduction to the Jurassic age", but mostly shows hapless tourists on foot being attacked by a plesiosaur and T-rex -- until the monorail passes by in the background and the T-rex chases after it!


Animatronic T-rex running alongside exposed monorail track.

In an interview/article last year, Dr. Michael Dixon, Director of London's Natural History Museum and one of the scientific advisors for the park, had these famous last words:

The technologies are all known — tried and tested — so there's absolutely no risk factor at all. This project will just bring the different technologies together and it will do so on an unprecedented scale.

The fools! Not to get all glavin, but if there's one thing that elementary chaos theory tells us it's that animatronic T-rex and monorail technologies should be kept as far apart and on as precedented a scale as possible. Just because the track is above the Tyrannobot's head doesn't mean it will never catch the monorail, even if you program it not to: Simulacra will find a way.

Well, at least now those wanting a vision of the future of American port security know to look to the last half of Jurassic Park 2.

Lyle Zapato

Looking For Some Aluminum?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-04.5420 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia
Looking For Some ALUMINUM?

United Nuclear -- fine purveyors of Van de Graaf generators, neodymium magnets, lasers, uranium, and other useful supplies to hobbyists and paranoid enthusiasts -- is being threatened by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission (home of Kidd Safety) with criminal action for selling certain products to people without an explosives manufacturing license. And just what sort of dangerous substances are on the CPSC's list?

Not sell, give away or otherwise distribute any of the following Metals for which the particle size is finer than 100 mesh (or particles less than 150 microns in size) to any recipient who does not possess a valid manufacturing license for explosives issued by the ATF:

Aluminum and Aluminum alloys
....

Ostensibly the CPSC is concerned about the use of aluminum powder in the manufacture of illegal fireworks. However, given their obsession with government approved helmets, it's safe to say what they're really concerned about is the powder being used as an undetectable anti-psychotronic coating for common head wear.

Just another step towards the eventual outlawing of private aluminum ownership? Undoubtedly. Stockpile while you can.

Lyle Zapato

Black Helicopter Searches

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-03.4600 LMT | Black Helicopters | Site | Crass Commercialism

I'm being bombarded ("Bom, Bar... DEAD!") by people desperately searching for the TRUTH about Black Helicopters. So far today I've gotten over 10,000 hits with the exact same referral from a search on Comcast.net, on which my Black Helicopter exposé is the first site listed.

What's going on? Have swarms of Microscopic Black Helicopters started spewing out of Comcast cable modems and the Comcast subscribers are all using their default Comcast.net homepage to search for answers? By "Comcastic", do they really mean "Comcastaclysmic"?

UPDATE: I've found the reason for the hits. Apparently the Comcast homepage (which only subscribers can see) has some sort of search article on "Paranoid Pursuits". So Comcasters are not in imminent danger of being swarmed and consumed by Black Helicopters -- at least for now. Still, it might be wise to cancel your service and remove the suspicious Comcast boxes from your home. True paranoids limit themselves to the relative safety of broadcast TV and dialup.

Also, since that page is getting attention, I've put up on Cafepress a new anti-BH propaganda poster I've been working on:

poster

This is part of a series of paranoid propaganda -- or paraganda -- posters that I have vaguely planned (there was another one as an Easter egg in a previous post.) The paraganda concept is still inchoate, and I've gotten sidetracked into a rabbit hole of font creation, so this isn't the official post on the subject. Stay tuned...

Lyle Zapato

Shocking Monorail Accident

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-03.4400 LMT | Monorail Danger

To the list of dangers posed by monorails -- which includes spontaneous combustion, collision, falling debris, alien abductions, and suicidal elephants -- we can now add electrical shock.

Last weekend a worker on the Las Vegas monorail was electrocuted in the system maintenance building. A fire was also started, naturally. The worker, the fourth to succumb to the Vegas monorail since it opened in 2003, is listed in serious condition. French-Canadian monorail maker Bombardier ("Bom, Bar, Dee... YAY!") claims that he's improving, but is suspiciously keeping his details secret. Bombardier also promised to launch an investigation of the incident to determine if it was either human error or a mechanical defect. I guess "Inherent Danger of Monorails" is off the table.

Decline in ridership among a public leery of exploding into flames or falling out of doors opened into midair has forced the Las Vegas Monorail Co. to start enticing people to ride with free monorail passes. These will be offered to unsuspecting out-of-towners through the city's tourism website. Hopefully the fact that the passes are only one-way will be enough to clue in potential victims of the extreme unlikeliness of their ever returning from their monorail trip. But then again, these are gambling tourists, so they may be unrealistically optimistic.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Lead Tin Foil

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-01.4810 LMT | Letters | Aluminum

One of the many business inquiries from Pakistan we get at ZPi:

Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2006 07:47
Subject: Re: Aluminum lead tin foil

Dear Sir or Madam

Hope that you will be fine. We are looking for Aluminum Lead Tin Foil 0.15MM Thick Spec: BS/STA 7L-X-1/1. Please quote 1400 Kg.This is the trial order. Our actual order is more bigger than 14000Kg.

Awaiting your early reply.The Matter is Most Urgent.

Thanks
[Name Withheld]

To which I replied:

Dear Sir and/or Madam

Sorry for the delay on this Most Urgent Matter. My busy schedule, filled as it is with meetings, conferences, and other manner of symposia, has left me negligent in promptly responding to my email. I offer you my sincerest apologies.

Unfortunately I must inform you that we do not sell metals of any quantities. We are in the business -- or as may be said, the vocation -- of informing people of the proper use of aluminum foil for blocking psychotronic mind control transmissions by various agencies governmental, corporate, and paraterrestrial.

If you are in need of our services, we can provide you, free of charge, with informative materials that can be used to protect you and your employees from hazardous workplace mind control often employed by business competitors attempting to undermine productivity and/or steal trade secrets.

Please understand though that we cannot assist you if you engage in any of the aforementioned activities, as this is counterindicated by our mission statement.

I await your most welcome and timely reply.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

We'll see if they write back or if my unfortunate delay in responding to their urgent call for deflective foils has inadvertently caused them to succumb to their psychotronic enemies.

Lyle Zapato

Monorails = Cute Puppies?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-01.4140 LMT | Monorail Danger

It's a well known propaganda tactic to inculcate a desired emotional response to something through its repeated juxtaposition with a known emo-response stimulant. I touched on this in my post about Pixelito, the microcopter that's friends with hamsters, where the Belgian Conspiracy was leveraging the psychoevolutionary construct known as "cuteness" to elicit a maternal response to Black Helicopters.

Now agents of the Monorail Society are trying the same tactic with monorails, only instead of hamsters they're bringing out the big guns: Puppies*...

Puppies riding a minimonorail. Photo credit: James Horecka, known Monorailist
It's unknown if the puppies survived the inevitable
spontaneous monorail combustion that followed.

Presumably the puppy monorail (which is non-functioning and was thrown together "Hollywood style" -- in other words it's just like a normal sized monorail) will be deployed wherever the public is having doubts about monorailization. "Oh, look at the cute puppies!" the public will say, "Monorails can't be all that bad if cute puppies ride them. Let's hand over our property rights to the nice men with the odd hairstyles who make bizarrely pompous speeches."

Well, two can play at this game. I encourage all citizens concerned about Monorailists stealing your houses and enabling unwelcome elements to infiltrate your community to propagate the following picture designed by top paranoid memetic experts to undo the psychological damage caused by the Monorailists' "puppaganda":

Anti-puppaganda

Oh, and for any pet owners who may be wondering, there is a more sensible alternative for animal transportation -- one that can be built underground, leaving any private property above unseized.

*Observant users of MindGuard know that the canonical psychotronic enamorment memeplex involves "cute kittens", usually the petting thereof, so the nonstandard choice of puppies could signify a disassociation between the Monorailists and more mainstream forces of mind control. Then again, slightly off-kilter modes of conduct and technology might just be part of the inherent nature of Monorailism. I guess we should be surprised they didn't use sugar gliders or some other unnecessarily odd cuteness vector.

UPDATE: Monorails = More Cute Puppies?

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Bucky

Lyle Zapato | 2006-02-19.8320 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Entertainment

'Get Fuzzy' 2006-02-19, copyright Darby Conley

I was perhaps too hasty when I implied Darby Conley was helping the Belgium Conspiracy with reverse psychology (the comic linked to in that post is now missing -- if anyone has a copy of the panel where Satchel reveals the truth that Belgium doesn't exist, please send me a scan.)

With today's comic, I now believe that Darby is in fact a double agent slyly introducing key paranoid concepts in ways that his handlers at the NWO-controlled Syndicate will find unobjectionable. By cleverly disguising an AFDB as a mere prognosticap, the Syndicate will think that Darby is mocking beanie usage, while the actual effect of the mocking is to subtly hint at the true purpose of Bucky's hat.

There are, however, problems with Bucky's design:

Bucky Katt, copyright Darby Conley

While the Quaker-style cylindrical deflection manifold will offer a maximum of lateral diffusion, the top is shown unfoiled, allowing satellites and UFOs unrestricted access to the wearer's brain. Also, the pointy end of the coat hanger could puncture the foil surface as it bobs with the weight of the star, leading to catastrophic beanie failure. Presumably Darby included these design flaws to deflect the Syndicate from his true agenda. Budding paranoids, it's hoped, will copy the spirit of Bucky's hat and not his exact design.

(P.S. No one tell the Syndicate that Darby's working for us.)

UPDATE 2006-06-24: More on Conley's paranoia propagation...