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Lyle Zapato

Y.R. Tap Comic #2

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-14.6740 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Art | Politics
Lyle Zapato

ZPi Brokers International Peace

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-13.2300 LMT | Aluminum | Letters | Politics | Crass Commercialism

Back in February I received an inquiry from Pakistan about purchasing "Aluminum Lead Tin Foil" (one of numerous such inquiries ZPi receives due to our high search-engine placement for "aluminum".)

Well, this morning I got an email from a representative of a metals company in India who had read the above post and wished to contact the original correspondent to offer a quote. I've sent them each other's contact info. Hopefully they can make a deal and provide more grassroots ties between the two adversarial nations, thereby lessening regional tensions and creating a global example that will eventually lead to world peace. All thanks to ZPi!

We here at ZPi are all about leveraging international misunderstandings of websites to spread peace through economic co-dependence. I'm pretty sure we've always been about that. Yes. And with that in mind...

Someone else in India is looking for "Aluminum Foil stand-up pouch(es)" in various sizes, both plain and Ziplock. Any Pakistanis, Chinese, or anyone else that can hook them up, let me know and I'll get you in touch.

UPDATE: I've also got an Egyptian who is looking for 3 tons of triplex aluminum foil printed in one color ("for INDOCID SUPPOSITORY 100 MG") and another 3 tons of same unprinted. The foil should be 45 microns thick, coated inside with PE 20 microns and outside with PP 18 microns, width 58mm, printed on one side (on Polypropylene SID). This is your chance to bring peace to the Middle East. Don't let it slip away.

Lyle Zapato

Y.R. Tap Comic

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-12.3640 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | Art | Politics
Lyle Zapato

Dactyl Fractal Reiterated

Lyle Zapato | 2006-05-09.9365 LMT | Polydactylism | Art
Lyle Zapato

St. Clair: Hyperinventor

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-28.4330 LMT | Technology | Paraterrestrials

John Quincy St. Clair is perhaps the 21st Century's most important inventor.

Besides his Full Body Teleportation System, he has 15 other patent applications in the works, any one of which will revolutionize human society (well, maybe not his "Internet Cellular Phone Prepaid Service" or "Internet Accessible Mail Box System", but somebody had to invent those).

The Patent Prospector has a write-up of his ground-breaking Walking Through Walls Training System which uses a "banner having a plurality of footprints spaced at regular intervals" to train a person in a style of walking that allows the person to "acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors."

He also has numerous designs for spacecraft propulsion and power generator systems based on his studies of hyperspace physics and astral chakra energy. These include:

His most recent invention is a Remote Viewing Amplifier, an open-frame box device which "enhances the ability of a person to perform remote viewing by connecting the human spiritual eye to the tetrahedral geometry of subspace". In the patent application, he describes remote viewing and his first experiences with it:

Figures 1, 2, 3

Remote viewing is the projection of spiritual modules of the human energy field to distant locations in order to see, communicate and interact with other entities who live in subspace, space and hyperspace co-dimensions of the universe.

One of my first remote viewings was made at night to a distance of 10,000 miles on the sunlit side of the earth. My spiritual eye and body projected together while my mental facilities remained in my physical body. I found myself looking down on a palm tree from a height of about one hundred feet. The palm tree had several coconuts in it as seen in FIG. 1. I then gave the command to lower myself to the ground. At that moment I went sailing down past the coconuts, barely missing the tree! Finding myself on a pathway through the tropical forest, I then came to an extremely long wooden bridge which crossed over a river gorge. On the other side of the bridge I could see three soldiers running toward me as shown in FIG. 2. The two soldiers in front were carrying rifles and wearing light blue berets. The man running behind them was wearing an officer's cap with a red band. My first reaction was that I was going to be shot. I edged over on the right side of the wooden railing. They ran right past without seeing me. I then asked to see the building that these soldiers were guarding. Everything went dark, and then I found my spiritual eye peeking out of the floor of a computer room as seen in FIG. 3. There was one man using a computer on the opposite side of the room near an open door. He got up from his chair and came over to sit in front of a second computer located a few feet from where I was located. From the glare of the computer monitor, I could clearly see his face. Everything went dark as my spiritual eye and body projected back to my physical body.

He goes on to recount how he used remote viewing to learn about the Pleiadian Federation, a "group of over one hundred intelligent beings that were brought to the Pleiades from around the galaxy". On the Federation council are the Intelligent Insect Beings, who fly the black triangles over France and Belgium (as we know, Belgium is actually under France) for the evacuation of humans to Earth II, where they will be protected from the coming battle of Revelations.

Also on the council are the Blond Aliens (not their real name) who fly Beamship spacecraft. St. Clair was able to use his remote viewing device to assist them when one of their Beamships caught fire. He also impressed the Admiral Third Class of the Pleiadian Defense Department with the tactical benefits of his ability to communicate instantly from 90,000 light years away. He argues that the development of remote viewing devices is important because "one day it will mean that we can become a vital part of the Pleiadian Federation."

Keep on inventing, John; you may be humanity's only hope.

UPDATE: (2006-06-11) The St. Clair Hypertrain

UPDATE: (2006-07-09) Two New Spacecraft

UPDATE: (2006-08-04) The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft

UPDATE: (2006-08-20) Water Energy Generator

UPDATE: (2007-12-27) Chi Energy Amplifier

Lyle Zapato

Your Hyper-Portable Body

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-27.7470 LMT | Technology

John Quincy St. Clair of Puerto Rico has solved the problem of full-body teleportation. His patent application explains the unlikely confluence of events that led to his discovery:

Full Body Teleportation System (#US20060071122)

BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION

This invention is a system that teleports a human being through hyperspace from one location to another using a pulsed gravitational wave traveling through hyperspace.

BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION

FIG. 1
FIG. 1. Perspective view of site where
full-body teleportation occurred.

The basis for this invention is an event, referring to FIG. 1, occurring on May 2, 2004, in which the inventor ("he") personally experienced a full-body teleportation while walking to the bus stop (A) along a road (B) that runs perpendicular to the nearby commercial airport runways where planes are landing. There is a wide iron grating (D) for water drainage that crosses the road at the center of the bus stop. The grating width is such that one has to make a concerted effort to jump across it in order to get from one side to the other. Approximately 50 meters from the iron grating, he (E) felt a vertical wave (F), similar to a flag waving in the breeze, traveling down the street toward the bus stop. The wave velocity was about 1 meter per second, which was slightly faster than his walking speed. In the next instance, he (G) found himself down the street near the corner of the next block. Realizing that he had passed the bus stop, he turned around to see the iron grating approximately 50 meters up the street in back of him. Because there was no recollection of having jumped across the iron grating nor of having passed the bus stop's yellow marker line, he realized that he had been teleported a distance of 100 meters while moving along with the traveling wave. It was obvious that the wave was pulsed because the front edge overtook the inventor, moved with him momentarily, and then the back edge of wave left him as it moved on down the street. While contemplating this sequence of events, he then looked up and saw in a span of a few seconds a twin-turboprop airplane (C) in the distance crossing above the road while making a shallow descent in order to land at the airport.

It took a number of days in order to understand this sequence of events. The explanation involves knowledge of a wide range of subjects such as gravitation physics, hyperspace physics, wormhole electromagnetic theory and experimentation, quantum physics, and the nature of the human energy field.

If you're one of the handful of people on the planet with the necessary educational background to appreciate St. Clair's hyperspatial quantum formulas, you'll be fascinated to read that he draws on such facts as:

  • The mass of the hyperspace energy being that resides in our bodies is 0.071 kilograms, as determined by early 20th century scientists.
  • The speed of light in hyperspace is one meter per second.
  • The answer as to how airplane props can generate gravitational waves that are able to shift into hyperspace ultimately lies in the Chinese form of breathing known as Chi Kung.
  • The first mechanical means to produce anti-gravity was the Chakra Vortex Accelerator.

But if all that's a bit outside your comfort zone, you can just look in wonder at the final design for the Full-Body Teleportation System -- available soon at a St. Clair Teleportation dealership near you (and they'll all be near you via hyperspace):

FIG. 16
FIG. 16. Perspective view of magnetic vortex wormhole generator
and obelisk gravitational wave generator.

the full body teleportation system consists of the twin granite obelisks (A,B) on which are mounted near the top of each the toroidal waveguides (C,D) which produce the pulsed gravitational waves (E,F) that run the length of the obelisks. Because the gravitational wave is rotating inside the obelisk, the granite stone undergoes a very small asymmetrical compression and expansion. A cylindrical gravitational wave propagates out from each obelisk such that along the centerline between the two there is generated a plane gravitational wave. This wave enters the wormhole (H) created by the magnetic vortex generator which is located a short distance from and parallel to the obelisks. The wave is amplified by a factor of almost 1013 when it enters the hyperspace co-dimension.

UPDATE: See St. Clair: Hyperinventor for much more on his inventions and discoveries.

Lyle Zapato

Your Portable Mind

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-27.3710 LMT | Technology | Simulacra

Izumi Arai of Tokyo has solved the problem of death. Naturally, he's applied for a patent:

Mind Personality Transfer Method (#US20020088467)

ABSTRACT:

This invention can permanently in the future develop minds and personalities of creatures which were considered in the past to decay and become extinct owing to ageing and death, by transferring minds and personalities of creatures to new clone bodies, with preserving self-identity. This invention is particularly valid in the case that an invalid has little chance of recovery due to serious multiple organ failures, in the case that general prostration or severe senility of the whole body makes urgent organ exchanges ineffective, in the case that it will not be long before an individual moves to new clone bodies on some other grounds, etc. My invention is the repetitive processes of transferring central nervous systems and other systems of individuals and old clone bodies to new clone bodies.

Besides the process of transferring central nervous systems themselves to new clone bodies, ... by inputting memories retained in original individuals and clone bodies to central nervous systems of new clone bodies beforehand, creatures can obtain existence bases of themselves in succession, because memory itself can be regarded as the independent personality.

Combining freely a great many of organs such as central nervous systems, peripheral nervous systems, and other systems, can enlarge memory capacities. Moreover, by establishing new active pathways, the originality worth of oneself can be formed. Remaking gray matters into chips such as semiconductors, various integrated circuits, etc., makes nervous systems light and convenient. The information interchange between lots of brains beyond a tiny skull and the construction of new nervous systems can evolve central nervous systems as a whole.

Creatures can maintain self-identity even if constituent elements of succeeding creatures are different from those of preceding creatures, because creatures always exchange their constituent elements by respiration and metabolism.

Furthermore, the consciousness of oneself can maintain continuity in the case that the infant self is lasting to the adult self, in the case that a particular self can put on weight and can lose weight, and in the case that the organs of oneself were injured in diseases, accidents, etc., and the self gets one's health back again. Namely, creatures can transfer themselves in succession to new clone bodies continuously and spaciously, even if succeeding creatures have different shapes, sizes, functions, constituent elements, etc.

Therefore, with keeping self-continuity, I can create the existence of multi-arms and multi-legs, by making the most of lots of other systems in addition to nervous systems simultaneously. And, by obtaining various new organs, I can extend individual faculties of creatures diversely and remarkably.

Of course, you're now asking yourself: How will he perform mind transfers from a mature brain to a new one while avoiding self-discontinuity anxiety? Simple:

Putting both old and new brains into operation simultaneously and transferring functions gradually from old brains to new brains make it possible to realize self-continuity as time passes, without anxiety.

...

Fresh brains can be brought up, while coming into subsidiary operation, with carrying these immature brains on one's back.

You'll have a hunch with a hunch! While an exciting prospect, this will cause some inconveniences. Besides complicating AFDB construction, new chair designs will need to be developed to avoid back-brain injury...

Chair device, Fig. 1
Chair device for the allowance of dorsal-cerebral
clearance as a means to avoid neo-neural ensquishment
(PAT. PEND.)

Also, your shirts won't fit right. But considering you'll keep adding more limbs with every new body, you'd probably want to chuck them all and start wearing ponchos instead.

Lyle Zapato

Mind Control iPod Update

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-21.1710 LMT | Mind Control | General Paranoia | Technology

You may recall the Korean patent to turn iPods into mind-control devices that I reported on in 2004. Many of you iPod users scoffed at the possibility (no doubt at the behest of the reality distortion fields emanating from your precious toy.) But according to a transcript of President Bush's remarks on the American Competitiveness Initiative at Tuskegee University on April 19th:

The government funded research in microdrive storage, electrochemistry and signal compression. They did so for one reason: It turned out that those were the key ingredients for the development of the Ipod. I tune into the Ipod occasionally, you know?

Ask yourself: Why would the US government, acting through DARPA, fund all that research just to produce a simple consumer music player? And what does Bush mean by "tune into"? iPods are not tuners -- or are they? Could this finally be the explanation for the mysterious Bush Bulge?

Bush iDecider

(Found via Retecool. Site in Dutch -- Beware: possible nest of Belgian agents.)

Lyle Zapato

Monorails = More Cute Puppies?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-18.9440 LMT | Monorail Danger

I warned previously about a Monorailist attempt to elicit a pro-monorail emo-response using puppyganda. Well now they're back with the Puppy Mover Monorail Mark II (at bottom of page).

This new version has five cars able to endanger up to eight puppies and has a "scampering paws" motif designed to lure naïve puppies into the Monorailist lifestyle -- or should we say deathstyle?

Needless to say, individuals highly susceptible to puppies -- such as grannies and various nursing animals -- should avoid looking directly at that site lest they fall under the spell of Monorailism. Instead, here's a site with a photo of a hamster in a tube.

Lyle Zapato

Blattocracy

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-18.0260 LMT | Nature | Politics