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Lyle Zapato

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-14.6330 LMT | Monorail Danger | Sasquatch Issues

Two days after a reopening that was postponed for four weeks because of malfunctioning doors and brakes, the Seattle Monorail was shut down again for most of yesterday after the blue train stalled. Passengers (or should we just start calling them "hostages"?) had to make a precarious mid-rail transfer across a precipitous gap high above Fisher Plaza from the stalled blue train to the no-doubt-soon-to-be-stalled red train. Against all odds, no one plunged to their death.

At least this time nothing burst into flames or sent debris flying into the pedestrians below. In monorail-terms, it was a successful day.

And as long as I'm on the topic of monorail danger...

As Radical Sasquatch noted, the Mawas of Johor, Malaysia are now facing a new threat: a Chinese high-speed maglev monorail.

It will be one of the first Zhui Feng ("Hunt the Wind") monorails, which were developed for the Chinese military. Yes, that's right, the military. However, German monorail makers Transrapid -- who have a line at the Pudong International Airport in Shanghai -- claim that the design was stolen from them. China denies this. One notable difference is China's maglev uses cheaper permanent magnets, unlike the electromagnets used in German and Japanese technology.

And for those of you wondering: yes, maglev monorails are prone to spontaneous combustion too, as was illustrated when the Shanghai one mysteriously caught fire on Friday:

Shanghai maglev monorail on fire.

The Johor monorail project will be funded primarily by monorail agitators in Dubai (a land whose citizens will soon be threatened by a combination of monorails and robotic dinosaurs). Initially it will only be menacing the human controlled sectors, but given the global hegemonic aspirations of monorailists I don't think we can count the forests of Mawasistan as safe, especially since Japanese monorailists are already pestering the Hibagon with their preliminary incursions into the forests of Mt. Honita:

Mt. Honita Monorail penetrates the peaceful forest Happy Japanese businessmen ride the monorail up Mt. Honita

Will the horror of monorails ever end?

Lyle Zapato

...And Phones Too

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.6930 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The Barry Bittwister Cabal presents a problem:

Your cell phone is tracking you, you know. By law, your phone has to tell where you are within 125 meters when you call 911, which isn't so bad on the face of it. However, the telecom systems can use your phone to track you at any time. In some cases, this can be done even when your phone is off. We're not sure how you feel about it, but we don't like being fitted with a radio collar at all times. This nonconsensual tracking is growing common in the US now, but has been around in Europe for quite a number of years. So what's a paranoid to do?

Their solution? The Invisifier, an aluminum & duct tape sheath for your cell. Its dual-action AFDB/Faraday cage construction keeps psychotronic signals from your phone in and EM tracking signals from the NGA satellites out.

(If I had just waited two centidays for the email I could have included this with the previous post and padded that out a bit...)

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Drives

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.5520 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The blog for Mozy, an online backup service, has a post titled "Chinese BlueGenes" that explains how they not only use 448-bit-key encryption -- which would take at least three hundred thousand years for someone to crack -- to keep your data secure on their drives, but go the extra mile and wrap their drives in individual aluminum foil Faraday cages to keep out prying van Eck phreakers and telekineticists.

Lyle Zapato

The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-04.9600 LMT | Technology | Aluminum

He's a hyperinventing hypermachine! Hot on the heals of his Triangular and Photon spacecraft, John Q. St. Clair brings us yet another new propulsion design: The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, which is...

a spacecraft propulsion system that generates a field of wormholes which are threaded with a magnetic field. Acting as two attracting magnets, the spacecraft's north magnetic field is attracted to the constantly regenerating south magnetic monopoles of the wormholes which provides lift on the hull.

St. Clair Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, FIG. 11
FIG. 11.

Of particular interest here at ZPi, check out these key system components:

... a lower hull made of aluminum sheet having a shallow spherical profile [21]; a circular flat sloping hull made of aluminum sheet attached to the top of the lower hull on the periphery [22]; ... a hemispherical cupola in the shape of a dome made of aluminum sheet [23] ...

The thing's a flying AFDB with built in basal protection! This could be the ideal vehicle for paranoid space exploration.

FIG. 15: Perspective view of generation of negative energy.

But more on the fascinating method by which the MMS works...

[24] in FIG. 11 is "an electrically-insulated plastic-molded tubular cylindrical hull containing slots for mounting an array of radial microwave waveguides", which are needed to produce a radial electro­magnetic field of microwave beams [30 in FIG. 15, right] which interact with the circular magnetic field [33] produced by the oscillating magnetic flux density field [34] to generate negative energy [32] that in turn generates the field of wormholes between space and hyperspace over the hull [35] that cause the lift.

Simple, really.

With every patent application, St. Clair gradually reveals to mankind more of his insight into hyper-reality. This time we learn why his home of Puerto Rico is ideally situated on Earth to conduct hyperspace research:

[T]he corners of a tetrahedron circumscribed by a sphere touch the sphere at an angle of -19.47°. Looking at the planets of the solar system, the Giant Red Spot vortex of Jupiter, which can hold two planets the size of Earth, is located at this angle. On Mars, the Olympic Mons volcano, which is the size of France, is located at north 19.5°. Here in the Caribbean there is a slow moving rock mantle vortex at north 19.5° that curves the islands down toward Venezuela. So the geometry of space is related to the tetrahedron. What this suggests is that there is a subspace manifold whose tetrahedral geometry projects all the constants of physics into our dimension.

[Numerous technical diagrams and mathematical formulas about said subspace manifold...]

While this is the mathematical explanation as to why there are hyperspace co-dimensions, I can attest personally to the fact, as described in my patent application Full Body Teleportation, that I was teleported through hyperspace and returned to our dimension over a distance of 100 meters.

Jupiter, Mars, and roads next to airports in Puerto Rico aren't the only places where unusual phenomena are associated near 19.47° latitude (and need I point out that Puerto Rico is the southern point of the Bermuda Triangle or that the Roswell incident happened in 1947?); see Planetary Anomalies for a list of others in our solar system. Also see Hyperdimensional Physics for more on the hypertrigonometry behind this and the Cydonia complex.

Alternate application copy: US2006168937

Lyle Zapato

Overclock Your Brain

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-24.9460 LMT | Technology

The recent heat wave -- besides possibly increasing cephalopod-related homicide rates -- has an unfortunate mental side effect: decreased thinking abilities.

As with a computer's CPU, heat is a limiting factor on brain operations. A thinking brain produces heat, and too much or too strenuous thinking can lead to hyperthermia and potential brain damage. Outside the influence of mind-expanding drugs, the brain doesn't normally allow itself to reach that point, instead regulating thought processes to keep out of the danger zone.

Excess brain heat is dissipated via the environment, but when environmental temperatures rise this process becomes less efficient, forcing the brain to decrease metabolic neural activity to below acceptable standards. This manifests as sluggish or fragmented thought processes, mental instability, and general sleepiness.

There are ways to overcome this problem. A well-documented side-effect of the AFDB -- which I noted in my book -- is that it works like a heat-sink to cool the brain, especially when additional fins are sculpted into the foil. But passive heat dissipation will only get you so far in a highly entropic brain-environment system. When it gets really hot, serious thinkers turn to active cooling systems.

For example, Qi Zhang of Newport Beach, CA has applied for a patent on one such active cooling solution, aimed at motorists, that he calls the Mind Stimulator:

Zhang Mind Stimulator
Zhang Mind Stimulator in preferred motorvehicular usage.

A mind stimulator includes a head cooler, a supporting frame for adjustably supporting the head cooler above a user's head, and a cooling source, which is communicatively connected with the head cooler, adapted for transferring a cooling air through the head cooler around the user's head so as to substantially cool down a user's head temperature. Therefore, by lowering the user's head temperature, the user's mind activities are substantially increased, so as to prevent the user returning back to the drowsy condition.

(He also envisions an alternate portable version on castors that can be wheeled around behind an office chair while at work.)

But what about when it isn't hot out? If cooling a brain in a hot environment can increase its level of activity to normal, can cooling a brain in a cool environment, or below normal operating temperature, produce faster, harder thinking, allowing the chilled thinker to outthink the room-temperature competition -- in other words, can one overclock the brain? Undoubtedly.

In fact, some theorize that the brain can be cooled to a point where it achieves a state of super­consciousness. Much like with super­conductivity, super­consciousness allows thoughts to flow through the neurons with no resistance, making superconscious thought undetectable to brain scans and completely immune to mind-control.

Perhaps cryogenically stored heads are thinking in ways our overheated minds cannot fathom?

Lyle Zapato

Has The Fat Lady Boarded The Monorail?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-18.7100 LMT | Monorail Danger

The Seattle Monorail, which has been out of "service" since November when the Red and Blue trains collided violently over Olive Way, was set to re-open today to once again threaten lives and property. However, suicidal Seattleites and unsuspecting tourists were given a temporary reprieve this morning when the relaunch was delayed until at least next week due to "additional safety issues that need to be resolved".

David Heurtel, Seattle Center spokesmonorailist, claimed that the safety issues had to do with the "pneumatic systems" on the brakes and door mechanisms and not with the inherent uncontrollability and spontaneous-combustion-proneness of monorails. (Convenient that they would blame pneumatics -- trying to spread a little anti-Inteli-Tube propaganda, huh Dave?)

Some news I neglected to mention back in May: the doors replacing the ones that were sheared off when the monorail trains collided with each other were constructed by the Seattle Opera set department! That's right, stage illusions will be the only safeguard keeping passengers from plunging to their doom. While shocking, this isn't that surprising when you consider that the history of monorailism in Cascadia has been marked by rickety fake sets designed more for deception than transportation.

Given the spontaneous combustions, collisions, shady deals, government property seizures, and general monorail malaise surrounding this tired relic, isn't it time for Seattle to stop endangering its citizens and instead show transportation leadership by being the first to adopt a more sensible personal pneumatic tube system?

You know, if Seattle won't give pneumatic tube transportation a shot, perhaps Alaska would. They already have experience with long stretches of metal piping and a Senator who gets tubes. You're already close to losing the Sonics, Seattle; don't let this opportunity slip away too.

Lyle Zapato

Two New Spacecraft

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-09.5500 LMT | Technology | Aluminum

Hyperinventor John Q. St. Clair returns from his diverting experiments with mere surface rail travel and brings us two new spacecraft designs.

First is his Triangular Spacecraft:

St. Clair Triangular Spacecraft, FIG. 1

This invention is a spacecraft with a triangular hull having charged flat plates on the vertical corners of the three sides. The two rear corners are charged to a potential V. The forward corner is charged to a potential -V. The 60° angle on the corner creates a line charge density singularity that produces a huge horizontal electric field pointing from the back to the front of the craft which is also parallel to the sides of the triangle. An array of horizontal slot antennas located on the sides of the triangular hull produce an electromagnetic wave with the electric field polarized in the vertical direction. This combination of fields produces a spacetime force in both the vertical and horizontal directions such that the spacecraft receives a lift force and a force of propulsion.

(The design is somewhat reminiscent of not only Lifter technology but certain paraterrestrial designs. Given St. Clair's extensive contact with the Pleiadian Federation via astral projection, one might wonder if he isn't simply patenting technology that he cribbed from the Intelligent Insect Beings, who, as we learned in his patent application for the Remote Viewing Amplifier, also fly black triangles over France and Belgium.)

His next design is the Photon Spacecraft, a hull-integrated propulsion system that employs photon particles to generate a field of negative energy over the spacecraft's aluminum hull which forms wormholes between space and hyperspace in order to produce lift, as illustrated below:

St. Clair Photon Spacecraft, FIG. 6

The gravitational potential between hyperspace and space is positive because the hyperspace energy is more positive than the negative energy around the hull. Thus the low-density, low-speed-of-light hyperspace energy flows through the wormhole and fills the hull. This has the effect of reducing the effective mass of the hull. Because the electric field generates a positive pressure over the hull in the vertical z-direction, there is an upward force on the vehicle due to the pressure times the hull area. Since the vehicle has a low mass, there is a modest upward acceleration on the spacecraft equal to the force divided by mass.

St. Clair uses this patent application to address skeptics who still -- perversely at this point -- doubt the reality of hyperspace (I've taken the liberty of bolding interesting details not previously covered here):

Hyperspace consists of the those co-dimensions which have different physics constants such as a low speed of light. The existence of hyperspace, which has a white misty look, is not a well-known scientific concept. Experiments with our magnetic vortex wormhole generators, hyperspace torque generator, full body levitation using Chi Kung breathing, arm levitation by spinning the co-gravitational K field, full body teleportation through hyperspace a distance of 100 meters using a pulsed gravitational wave, jumping into hyperspace, having a plate of toast enfold off the breakfast table and disappear into thin air, walking through walls and doors out-of-dimension, looking into other dimensions, remote viewing through subspace to distances of 100,000 light years, and other electromagnetic experiments carried out by co-researchers, have shown us the reality and existence of hyperspace.

Alternate application copies: Triangular Spacecraft (US2006145019) & Photon Spacecraft (US2006144035)

Lyle Zapato

Paranoid UK

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-27.3195 LMT | General Paranoia

Not only does England exist, it's a hotbed of paranoia:

Ground-breaking research from clinical psychologists at the Institute of Psychiatry, King's College London, shows that one in three people in the UK regularly suffers paranoid or suspicious fears. In fact this level of paranoia is much higher than previously suspected and means that paranoid thoughts may well be almost as common as depression or anxiety.

Paranoid thinking is the suspicion that other people intend to do us harm.

[...]

The frequency of paranoid and suspicious thoughts in the general population

% having thought at least weekly

  • I need to be on my guard against others - 52%
  • Strangers and friends look at me critically - 48%
  • There might be negative comments being circulated about me - 42%
  • People are laughing at me - 34%
  • Bad things are being said about me behind my back - 30%
  • People might be hostile towards me - 29%
  • People deliberately try to irritate me - 27%
  • I might be being observed or followed - 19%
  • People are trying to make me upset - 12%
  • Someone I know has bad intentions towards me - 12%
  • I am under threat from others - 10%
  • I have a suspicion that someone has it in for me - 8%
  • Someone I don't know has bad intentions towards me - 8%
  • People would harm me given the opportunity - 8%
  • There is a possibility of a conspiracy against me - 5%

While the trend is good news for the paranoid cause, it still means that two out of three people in the UK suffer under the debilitating interpersonal credulity of orthonoid thinking. Much work needs to be done to shake some suspicious reason into them, but the promoters of the above study aren't helping any with their anti-paranoid thoughts book (conveniently coming out on Thursday). Well, then again, they might just help a bit with contradictory arguments like the following:

The probability that your fears are unrealistic increases the more you feel that:

  • No one else fully shares your suspicions

But their own data suggest that these suspicions are shared by a significant percent, therefore paranoid thoughts are realistic. All the more reason to get paranoid!

Lyle Zapato

Get Fuzzynoid

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-24.7610 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | Entertainment

Get Fuzzy, 2006-06-20

Darby Conley is at it again.

First he slipped the truth about Belgium (IT DOESN'T EXIST) into his Get Fuzzy comic, using the subversive technique of having his dim-witted character Satchel spurt it out, thereby providing plausible deniability should the NWO-aligned United Feature Syndicate bring him before their Star Chamber for questioning.

Next he raised awareness of AFDBs through his cat character Bucky, again deflecting the Syndicate's ire by showing an obviously flawed beanie design and having Bucky claim the hat was not for mind-control protection, but auguring.

This week's strips are devoted to Bucky's claim that England doesn't exist. This is, of course, not true. However, since Bucky usually has things partly right, but with the facts mixed up, it must be true that there exists a country that doesn't really exist -- Bucky has simply gotten the country wrong.

Conley has established that Satchel speaks the truth, even if unwittingly, while Bucky is an unreliable source of details who often expounds on topics where he has confused the subjects within the topic or with those of some other unrelated topic. They play the classical archetypal roles of the Wise-Fool and the Loud-Mouthed-Jerk, respectively.

I believe that Conley, having first planted the idea that Belgium is not altogether real in the heads of his orthonoidic readers, is now validating that idea through Bucky's confused version of reality (after waiting a year so the Syndicate won't notice).

Not since The Family Circus exposed the existence of transdimensional Shadow People (represented by Bil Keane as the "Not Me") has a comic strip done so much to further the cause of paranoia.

Lyle Zapato

The St. Clair Hypertrain

Lyle Zapato | 2006-06-11.8020 LMT | Technology

Hyperinventor John Quincy St. Clair is back with a new patent application: Permanent Magnet Propulsion System.

This one's slightly more conventional than his previous propulsion/transportation systems since it doesn't allow for teleportation, passing through solid objects, interstellar travel, or astral projection between distant paraterrestrial worlds. No, this time his objective is simply to move a train:

This invention is a propulsion system for a train that uses permanent magnets mounted on a rotating iron cylindrical plate carrying a radial current in order to create a spacetime curvature distortion which pulls the locomotive along the track.

Hypertrain
The plate with five magnets mounted on the front (left) spins, distorting
spacetime and thus pulling the train forward along a conventional track.

While distorting spacetime is all very well and good -- and certainly safer than monorails! -- I still feel pneumatic propulsion is a safer alternative since it creates pressure buffers between individual cars, keeping them from colliding. St. Clair hasn't addressed the problem of other trains on the track in front of his hypertrain being sucked backwards into the swirling vortex of spacetime created by the rotating magnets. Perhaps some sort of accordion-like bumper device mounted ahead of the propulsion system would help avoid deadly accidents.