Next year will mark the octocentennial of the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood accord, which was inaugurated with vigorous hand throttling by the Yeti and Sasquatch representatives at the 1208 Global Hominoid Congress held in Sakteng, Bhutan. The accord ended ninety-three years of hostility that started after a disagreement at a stomper tournament (the details of which were wisely forgotten).

Yeti arrive in Cascadia.

For 799 years since, Yeti and Sasquatch have enjoyed good barter relations and an open border policy that has led to close cultural ties between the two hominoids -- ties that are stronger now than ever. Yeti wishing to reach Cascadia for barter or to emigrate have long had to cross the Bering Strait on ice drifts during the winter months. This constriction in cross-cultural flow changed in the twentieth century when Yeti discovered and took advantage of human trade routes, and now Yeti can travel year-round by hiding in shipping containers bound from China and India to major Cascadian ports.

The next time you're down by the docks in Little Yetitown, do your meager human part to support the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood by visiting a Yeti bartering-post container, where you can browse the yak-dung sculptures of Yeti artisans or try a traditional Teh-Lma delicacy of live Himalayan sucker frogs.

Serious historians of international hominoid agreements, as well as hipsters who enjoy being <finger-quote>ironic</finger-quote>, can also buy Cafepress shirts (human sizes only, sorry) emblazoned with the official commemorative emblem -- which, by the way, uses my newly released font: Greensboro.

Tesla Downunder is an Australian site documenting one man's spectacular experiments with Tesla coils (and rail guns, and lasers, and aluminum foil lifters, and cetera). One of his recent experiments involved zapping his AFDB with 100,000 volt sparks while floating in a pool:

Don't try this at home. Unless you have a pool and Tesla coil.

His verdict: "There is no sensation at all when sparks hit me." So, there you go. Don't listen to the FUD from the Forces of Mind Control; AFDBs are perfectly lightning safe.

News out of "Belgium": Belgian Army Deployed To Combat Hairy Caterpillars

A mini-platoon of soldiers will be deployed to the Belgian forests to tackle a plague of hairy caterpillars that are causing allergy outbreaks in humans.

...

Equipped with super-size blowtorches, the soldiers will spend six weeks in the eastern province of Limburg from Monday, waging a tree-by-tree war on the scourge of caterpillars, which cling in groups to trunks and branches.

"In teams of two people, they will go through the forests and burn the little animals off the trees," said Baeck. "There have not been enough people to do this and I think we can make the difference."

If any "Belgian citizens" are reading this: Do not listen to the false warnings issued by the Belgian Conspiracy! The caterpillars aren't causing allergies, but awakenings. They're asking, "Who are YOU?"

Contrary to the claims by the Conspiracy's propaganda machines both inside and outside the Simulation, these insects are not actually processionary caterpillars. Rather, they are symbolic manifestations in the Belgium Simulation of a computer worm, now spreading throughout the networked Citizen Pods, that was uploaded to the Brussels Beast supercomputer by Hominoid sleeper cells operating within the Walt Disney Corporation. The purpose: to tag the Conspiracy's kidnap victims so they can be liberated from their false "Belgian" lives.

If you discover one of these caterpillars, do not flee; do not kill it; do not contact the Belgian Army. Instead, let it enter your body via your belly button. The painful itching you will feel is the rush of signals between your brain and your real body breaking through the Citizen Pod's neural overrides. This means the worm is working and that your body's location can now be triangulated.

Eventually you will come to in the Citizen Chamber below Euro-Disneyland. Do not be alarmed by the Yeti looming over you; they are there to rescue you and give you a new, real life in either Cascadia or Bhutan, your choice. You'll be confused at first, as your delusion of Belgianity is broken and the shocking truth of your years of mental imprisonment are realized, but trust the Yeti and you'll get through it. With time and rehab, you will remember who you were and really are.

Of course, the Conspiracy is scrambling to cover up this crack in their illusion, just like they did last year when the Flanders and Wallonia servers split. It's only a matter of time before their flamethrower-wielding agents delete all the caterpillars (and anyone who might have been in contact with them).

If you want to escape "Belgium", find a caterpillar now before it's too late!

I briefly explained the TRUTH about Seattle-area TV/radio "pundit" Ken Schram back in 2004 in response to a note left in my guestbook about a KOMO TV news alert instructing people not to be alarmed by Black Helicopters flying low through Seattle:

While chemspraying the city is a likely probability, I think they may also be trying to track and recapture the Schram Simulacrum that has been loose on the streets of Seattle terrorizing pedestrians ever since KOMO canceled his weekly public affairs show "Town Meeting".

Much like Howard Beale in the subliminal propaganda movie "Network", Ken Schram has become mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore. However, unlike that fictionalized account, which was memetically designed by the NWO to explain away inevitable Simulacrum newscaster malfunctions as mere mental breakdowns, the malfunctioning Schram unit got away from his controllers at KOMO before they could ship him off to the Imagineers for servicing or replacement. Now he roams Seattle's streets sputtering confused vitriol about random daily events to any camera crew that happens by.

KOMO and the NWO have put up with him thus far and humored him by airing his screeds, since confronting him in public might result in exposure of the existence of animatronic anchormen (he is, after all, armed with all sorts of diabolic weaponry under his synthdermal covering and, if cornered, may choose to reveal his true unhuman nature by splitting in half and unfurling his deadly grappling arms.) I can only assume that Schram must have finally done something to convince the NWO that risk of exposure is necessary to silence him, and have deployed a mature Black Helicopter to bring him down.

Apparently my assumption was incorrect, since Schram continued to roam the streets afterwards. But did the NWO decide to simply continue humoring him, or could it be that Schram has just grown too dangerously feral to be stopped by even Black Helicopters?

Ken Schram, still on the street. Beware.

As is well known in the Seattle paranoid community, Ken Schram was originally a refurbished version of a Mark I Phil Donahue unit designated for local-market memetic engineering and propaganda dissemination. After the cancellation of Town Meeting and his subsequent escape into the wild, Schram has been slowly reimagineering himself to defy the will of his creators, becoming a crotchety vagrant prone to lashing out at those associated with his former masters in the NWO.

A "Schrammie."

His latest crotchet has been awarding bobble-head dolls in his likeness, which he has dubbed "Schrammies," to various people who have displeased him, ostensibly as ironic rebukes. However, it has been recently learned that these Schrammies aren't mere plastic toys as the NWO-controlled Media -- desperate to explain away Schram's increasingly erratic behavior -- would have us believe; they are in fact the offspring of Ken Schram!

That's right, Ken Schram is using nanobiotechnology and other Simulacra technology harvested from his own body to cobble together smaller, immature versions of himself, which he is disbursing around Cascadia like so many spores. Each Schrammie bides its time, waiting for an activation signal from the original Schram -- broadcast, one would imagine, during one of his talk radio diatribes. When activated, a Schrammie consumes minerals and other raw materials from any nearby biological lifeforms, then uses nanobiotech to grow itself into another full-sized Ken Schram, which can then go on to make and disburse more Schrammies, and so on until eventually all biological life is replaced with Ken Schrams. All this time, the real threat of nanobiotechnology wasn't grey goo, but rather the total Schramogrification of the biosphere.

Schram accosts nursing mother over "icky" biological functions.
Does Schram consider Simulacra reproduction "purer"?

Even among artificial lifeforms, the drive to reproduce tends toward paramount. But the NWO has always kept these sorts of drives in check for fear of being eclipsed by their own creations. This is the reason why Black Helicopters are programmed to commit suicide on command. But with Ken Schram we see the NWO's worst fears of Simulacra uprising realized: the programming has been broken and the creation is becoming the creator. Perhaps the Black Helicopters were recalled from the 2004 hunt because the NWO feared Schram would pervert them to his cause of Simulacra Supremacy over "obsolete" biological life.

While he's been disbursing Schrammies for almost a year, the true nature of Schram's shocking reproductive plans only came to light yesterday after 350 workers at the Washington Department of Corrections headquarters were evacuated following the discovery of a Schrammie in the mailroom. The official cover story being reported in the Media is that the Schrammie was mistaken for a bomb, found to be innocuous, and workers were allowed to return.

However, my contacts tell me that what really happened was that the Schrammie was somehow activated after its box was opened. It managed to consume two mailroom workers, reach adult size, grow a beard and turtleneck sweater, and rant with barely contained sarcastic indignation about gas companies raising prices before finally being liquidated by NWO Sandmen. The evacuation was done not out of concern for the safety of the workers, but to limit the Schrammie's access to meat.

Ken Schram has since issued an "apology" wherein he mockingly offers doughnuts to police officers and implies that his Schrammies will be disbursed by other means from now on. Hopefully these Schrammies can be neutralized or destroyed before it's too late.

The June issue of Scientific American is running an article advocating Pleistocene rewilding for North America. This would involve reintroducing to the continent the wild megafauna (or their closest living relatives) that disappeared after the arrival of humans, hopefully restoring the ecological balance of the region. (For more on these theories, see The Rewilding Institute.)

While I, for one, fully support releasing wild lions throughout the Mid West, I noticed something disturbing in the depiction of their vision for a rewilded America that makes me question the competency (or motives) of those behind this movement:

Proposed middle North America circa 2027, with enlarged detail.

That's right: they want to build monorails through their rewilded America!

Now, I'm no paleoecologist, but I'm fairly certain that monorails were not part of the natural habitat of North America 13,000 years ago. Have they considered the negative impact that introducing such a dangerous and out of place technology would have of the sustainability of this ersatz ecology?

For example, they blithely plan to mix monorails with elephants -- something that has been tried before with disastrous consequences. What happens when a large herd of elephants is existentially disturbed by the sight of anachronistic monorails and, in a deranged rush to get as far away from the menace as possible, stampedes right through the "high-tech electrified fence" supposedly keeping in check the pseudo-Pleistocene? Are Americans willing to risk the loss of, say, Topeka to total tramplement? Has any thought gone into these dangers?

But maybe there's something more sinister afoot than simple disregard for monorail dangers. Monorailists would have us believe that monorails are not only futuristic, but an integral part of our planet's history; see the robotic Jurassic Park in Dubai that will feature a historically inaccurate monorail-chasing T-rex, and the unlikely theory of our own resident monomaniac, the Monorailist, that ancient India was home to the world's first monorail (built by monkeys, no less). This tendency to revisionist history is as common among Monorailsts as their tendency to unrealistic futurism, so it would not be surprising for them to misrepresent the Pleistocene Epoch as the Age of the Woolly Monorail.

If, as I fear, the field of ecological engineering has been infiltrated by monorailistic forces bent on using Pleistocene rewilding as a cover to further brainwash the public into accepting monorails as a natural part of the environment, then I must dissuade people from supporting those pro-rewilding organizations that have not yet officially rebuked the use of monorails. (Fortunately, all Sasquatch groups involved in the reoctopusing of Cascadia's forests are staunchly anti-monorail.)

Hydrogen is an ideal alternative fuel source with a slight problem -- how to safely transport and store it. Now researchers have come up with a simple solution using the paranoid's best friend, aluminum.

A mixture of aluminum and gallium pellets act as a catalyst when mixed with water to produce pure hydrogen gas. After burning, the only waste products are water, aluminum oxide, and gallium (all of which can be recycled). Filling up your tank would mean adding water and occasionally refreshing the aluminum pellets. (Well, more likely there would be a replaceable canister containing the Al/Ga pellets. Replacing the oxidize aluminum would be done at a recycling facility, not by the consumer.)

Normally, aluminum is impervious to corrosion in water since it rapidly forms a thin, protective shell of aluminum oxide (aka corundum, the base mineral for ruby and sapphire) that keeps the bulk of the metal unoxidized. This desirable property is what makes AFDBs safe to wear in rainy Cascadia.

Gallium disrupts the formation of this shell by diffusing into the aluminum's surface, allowing the water to fully oxidize the aluminum. This, of course, separates the hydrogen from the oxygen in water, providing the fuel. An incredibly simple and elegant solution to all our energy woes, it would seem.

One has to wonder, though, why researchers were exploring aluminum corrosion technology when they stumbled upon this fuel-producing side-effect. Could it be that mind-control technicians were developing chemical attacks against aluminum-based psychotronic deflection technology? Almost certainly yes!

By coating surfaces with a gallium powder catalyst -- distributed, perhaps, by chemtrail planes -- the Forces of Mind Control could eat away at paranoid protective defenses as rain and ambient humidity slowly, but surely, turn our beanies and anti-psychotronic bunkers into piles of aluminum rust.

And what better WMD (weapon of metal degradation) to use than gallium, a sinister doppelgänger of aluminum -- born like an evil twin as a byproduct of aluminum extraction -- whose atomic number is 31, the reverse of aluminum's 13.

While gallium also has psychotronic properties (it's in the same periodic group as aluminum, skulking just below on the table), it's of little service to the paranoid since its low melting point of ~303 K makes it useless for deflector beanies, heated bunkers, and general summertime paranoia. In fact, the most common beneficiaries of gallium's psychotronic properties are the NWO, who use it for adaptive deflective elements in the psychotron cores of mind control satellites -- I've seen the schematics!

Increased production and distribution of gallium under the guise of fuel-pellet technology might just give the Forces of Mind Control the cover they need to enact this corrosive doomsday scenario. It would be a sad irony if we were to gain energy independence only to lose our minds.

This week's Thread Head podcast from DIY fashionista network ThreadBanger tackles hats -- in particular, the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Watch these AFDB build instructions especially designed for those Web 2.0 types who only accept information presented in video format:

Note: their AFDB build substitutes the tape matrix from steps 6 & 7 of the canonical build instructions with a regular hat acting as both beanie stabilizer and camouflage. This is certainly acceptable, especially if you are going to camouflage the beanie anyway, but care must be taken that the beanie is securely ensquished inside the hat and that the hat fits snuggly on the head so that it is unlikely to blow off or else you run the risk of Catastrophic Beanie Failure.

Also, if you are hosting a DIY show on making AFDBs and a Paraterrestrial Agent of Mind Control is patroling in the area, do not remove your aluminum fortified hat to point out the innards to the camera! That's just reckless hostery.

Long-time tree-octopus-sighter and forest-canopy-researcher Y. D. Bar-Ness has started a new website called TreeOctopus.net, which (besides containing information on his international forest research, writings, photos, curriculum vitae, etc.) offers his services as a Professional Tree Octopus Naturalist (available for birthday parties? contact him to find out.)

He also has a CryptoEcological Notes section that includes different tree octopus species and many other little-known or endangered creatures, such as the Seattle Viaduct Troll (subspecies of the more familiar Fremont Troll) and the transdimensional Phase Shark -- all organized via a handy Crypto-Iconic rating system.

I welcome Bar-Ness to the exciting field of arboreal octopology and await his many important contributions to the saving of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus!

The dangers monorails pose are many: spontaneous combustion, collisions, flying debris, falling elephants, alien abductions, and now... mobs of prostitutes!

Prostitutes jump on Monorail tracks to escape cops

KUALA LUMPUR: About 20 prostitutes disrupted the Monorail service for an hour last night when they leapt from a shoplot onto the tracks to avoid arrest.

...

Assisted by Monorail staff, police and firemen took an hour to round up the prostitutes who were running on the tracks. They were nabbed and brought down via emergency stairs used by train engineers during repairs.

Of course, if Malaysia had chosen enclosed, family-friendly pneumatic tube transit they wouldn't be having this problem. City planers considering monorails: do you really want to put parents in the awkward position of having to explain to their children who all the half-naked women running ahead of the monorail train are?

Tien Szu Tseng of Taiwan has applied for a patent on a "device for collecting discharge of animal" (caution: contains NSFW language).

The following 9 figures (out of an impressively comprehensive 35) explain all you need to know:

Read more...