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since 1997"
Lyle Zapato

Lihua Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-14.3600 LMT | Fashion | Belgian Conspiracy

We at ZPi receive many business inquires a week. Here is the most recent:

Dear Sir :

I feel honoured to know you and your company from internet , although I am not sure whether you have already a customer of our company , at least I tride my best .

If you are a customer of our company ,I hope you can cooperate well with our company .But if not ,I \\\\\'d like to introduce our company ---LIHUA hat manufactory , the biggest wool felt hat enterprise .We have almost 20 years \\\\\' experience in making wool felt hats and hat bodies , especially we are the only one firm who make rabbit fur hats in China. Meanwhile we can produce six million of hats and hat bodies per year , and also we can supply the goods accoring to your samples .

I know your products are competitive on the market ,because of the high quality and famous brand . Opposite , if we can cooperate wittth each other , I am sure we can get you a great deal , and benefit a lot . There are a lot of human resources in China , so we can provide the goods at the lowest price .

For further information ,please overlook our website : www.lihuahats.com

Looking forward to hearing you early reply

Give my best wishes

Yours truely

kathy

To which I replied:

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your inquiry. Your best effort was not entirely misplaced as we are not already a customer with your company. Unfortunately, I'm afraid there has been some misunderstanding on your part.

While it is true that our ZPi brand Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is a very competitive anti-mind-control product in the paranoid headwear market, I'm afraid we have no need for the services of your hat manufactory -- which, judging by your website, appear excellent!

You see, we at ZPi encourage would-be AFDB-wearers to manufacture their own beanies by hand and strongly discourage AFDB purchase from third-party aluminumsmiths or milliners. This is done purely out of a concern for mental security, since prêt-à-porter beanies may have been compromised in the manufacturing process with mind-control circuitry.

I hope you understand that I am not accusing your company of engaging in that sort of nefarious skulduggery, but when people's minds are at stake it is important to exercise the utmost care to follow paranoid best practices. Trust no one. As you say, there are a lot of human resources in China, and you cannot be certain that none are in league with the New World Order and have infiltrated your company.

Speaking of which, I have read on your site that one of your subsidiaries, the Dingxing Lirui Fur Making Company, has entered into a business arrangement with the Luken Company from Belgium involving rabbit fur. I feel the need to warn you to be careful in your dealings with the so-called "Belgians". All is not as it appears with them.

Regardless of all this, I will still forward my visitors to your site, where they may find hats suitable for beanie camouflage or fancy dress parties inside their aluminum-lined bunkers.

Warmest regards,
Lyle

(Interesting factoid I just learned: the AFDB page is #4 on Google for "hat." I'm sure that has nothing to do with Kathy's letter.)

Lyle Zapato

More From Robert Cassell

Lyle Zapato | 2005-02-25.0280 LMT | Entertainment

Got a spare three million lying around and want to position yourself to win a NOBEL PRIZE and the prestigious title of Humanitarian of the World? Bob Cassell has another proposition for you (this one forwarded to me by the recipient, name withheld):

From: Robert Cassell <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: [...]
Subject: Saving Lives Supporting AIDS Medical Research New Business Development
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 21:28:36 +0000

Dear [...]

The following letter will explain how I have proven and tested both a product and concept that has the proven ability to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research.

Permit me to explain.

Approximately two years ago my teenage daughter had Cancer. In order to maintain my sanity I developed a product and concept that has the Proven Market Testing worldwide to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research. The initial investment of approximately $3 million will return at least $50 million per year. The $3 million in question is only half in cash and half in credit line.

So I need your advice, counsel and expertise relative to the AIDS crisis. Additionally, we could also create new jobs worldwide plus most importantly Saving Lives.

The product and concept in question is a consumer lifestyle product, that currently has no competition and utilizes a distribution system that has been used by only one product from one industry for over 50 years with resounding success.

Additionally, the concept will become a Television First. Never in the history of the World has a TV Show been broadcast Internationally ...bridging all time zones.

The company and/or investor will make themselves in a position to win the NOBEL PRIZE.

Of course there are a ton of stories that were generated over the past years. There track record of successes make the $250 million per year per continent very conservative.

Since my daughter won her battle against Cancer I believe that my effort should be utilized to help cure society of its ills. Therefore, the lion share of the profit is yours and any investor. All I want are a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. No front monies are required. I'll relocate any place to help rid our society of AIDS.

Personally, I've spent two decades representing the Fortune 500 Internationally from advertising, marketing , sales promotion and actual sales. Additionally, I've served on the Board of Directors of The National Crime Prevention Council.

Hopefully I've peaked your curiosity which will foster beneficial dialogue. Again, the key here is that the product and concept in question is not just another good idea it has been proven and tested. Together we can find one or more sponsors for a "Smart Pak" launch. Note: Remember Smart Pak embraces the benefits of winning the NOBEL PRIZE...either as an individual or corporation, a worldwide Television Special and the title of Humanitarian of the World. And most importantly we will save many lives worldwide.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Wow. $250 million × 7 continents = $1.75 billion in revenue. (That's assuming that there's a sustainable market for consumer lifestyle products on Antarctica. Otherwise it's a mere $1.5 billion. But I'm sure Bob considered the Penguin Demographic in his Market Testing.)

There is a dilemma here though: What if both NEW SPORT and "Smart Pak" get investors at the same time and both investors want Bob to relocate to different places? What a wacky predicament that would be! In fact, the concept would make a great COMEDY MOVIE.

Permit me to explain.

Currently there is no competition for comedy movies about an Idea Man with a Heart of Gold from Chicago who hits it big but ends up having to juggle spearheading two different international projects from two entirely separate locations. The concept in question would embrace as a source of comedic tension the main character's competing desires to share NEW SPORT with the world and rid society of AIDS, with lots of opportunities for physical comedy during his harried commutes.

The key here is the role of Bob Cassell will be played by an actor with a track record of successes in light-hearted comedies. I'm thinking Will Ferrell or maybe Bill Pullman. The emotional center of the movie will be the cancer-surviving daughter, played by Lindsay Lohan or maybe one of the Olsen twins. There should also be a love interest for the Bob character, possibly the daughter of one of the investors, or maybe a daughter of each investor for added farce. In the end, everything works out as both NEW SPORT and a cure for AIDS are introduced to the world.

COMEDY MOVIE will be family oriented with no violence, but there will be at least one gut wrenching car chase. The soundtrack will be Country Western driven.

With an initial investment of $1 million, COMEDY MOVIE would return at least $50 million in domestic ticket and DVD sales and generate a very conservative $100 million in the International Arena. Additionally, the movie's producers will make themselves in a position to win a GOLDEN GLOBE and send a clear message of pro-activeness to the Hollywood Community.

All I want are a few points and the opportunity to direct. I'll relocate to Vancouver, B.C. if neccessary.

Lyle Zapato

Investment Opportunity: A NEW SPORT

Lyle Zapato | 2005-02-22.6240 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

Got a spare million lying around and want to send a Country-Western-driven message to those bastards in the Corporate Community who dare question your pro-activeness? Bob Cassell has a proposition for you:

From: "Robert Cassell" <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: lyle@zapatopi.net
Subject: A NEW SPORT
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 14:44:54 +0000

To Whom It May Concern

New Business Development is truly the life blood of any company.

A NEW SPORT opens up the avenues tremendously...from Sponsorships to General and Promotional Advertising and More.

It clearly sends a message to the Corporate Community that your agency is more than just pro-active. It screams volumes of positioning yourself as number one.

Permit me to explain.

I have created, developed and Market Tested with resounding success a NEW SPORT.

For an initial investment of approximately $1 million since the New Sport in question has been both proven and tested with resounding success the return should exceed $400 million per year.

So the logical next step is finding representation. Hopefully you will consider taking on such a project. Please understand that this is not just another good idea. Rather it is a proven and tested SPORT.

I have taken the liberty of listing the various revenue streams.

Television Rights Sponsorships Note: corporate sponsorsors will exceed the $1 million initial investment.
Events
Licensing
Merchandising
Video Games
Its Own Song...the name of the Sport written and performed by a Country Western artist
And The International Arena

The SPORT in question has no current competition, is family oriented, Country Western driven, is non-violent, has no season and pits men versus women in got wrenching racing competition.

All I want are but a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. The balance is for your discretion. You see I just received the greatest gift of all...my teenage daughter just beat Cancer. So I'm wealthy with joy and happiness. What more could I ask for.

Having a successful track record in New Business Development for major Advertising Agencies, the Fortune 100 and National & International Publishing organizations I speak from experience.

Hopefully I have peaked your curiosity.

Should relocation be neccessary I will be there in a heart beat to help make it become a reality and develop a host of New Business opportunities for you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Since I'm already heavily invested in the Cascadian Stomper League and have burned all bridges with the Corporate Community, I'll have to pass on this NEW SPORT, tempting as it may be. Sorry Bob, but good luck anyway.

Cascadian Stomper League logo
Get To Stompin'!
Lyle Zapato

Unauthorized Links Cost Companies Billions

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-30.6000 LMT | Complaints Department

Yesterday, I received the following email (details excised, since I don't want to unleash a mob of torch-wielding cybervigilantes on the parties involved):

Lyle, I am writing to you from [company name] regarding a link that you have to us from your site Zapatopi.net. Listed as a [name of product they sell] site on your links page. Realizing that this link does not help either one of us we are asking that you please remove [company URL] from your site.

(This was from someone who doesn't actually work at the company in question, but for some agency hired to promote them or handle their Internet presence or something of that nature.)

My response, again excised of details, was:

I'm sorry, and I don't want to be an argumentative jerk, but that request is just silly and pointless.

A link is a reference to a site and does not imply any sort of relationship. I even put a disclaimer to that effect at the bottom of the page, even though it's common knowledge, since someone else got all worked up over a link there before (it was this guy: http://www.stopabductions.com/ who wraps his head in Velostat to keep the aliens from abducting him; wonderful company you're keeping, huh?)

Asking me to not link to your company is equivalent to asking me to not talk or write about it. If I were writing an article for a print publication about [making things with product] and I added "You can buy [product] from [company name and business address]", would you really think it sensible to contact the publisher and request that the article be altered in future editions so as not to mention you? Doesn't that sound just a bit... paranoid?

Furthermore, considering the reference I am making is to simply point people toward a source for [product], without commenting on [company] itself, I have a hard time seeing why this would not be of help to you. While it's very probable that no one has bought any [product] from you as a result of being directed to your site from mine (it is after all one link buried among many), I can't imagine who would be dissuaded from buying any because I linked to it. And even if I were to try and imagine such a hypothetical weirdo, the former is an immensely more likely scenario than the later and I'm only left to conclude that on average the link would be more help than harm.

All that being said, I'm not wedded to your company, since I chose it merely because it came up on a Google search for "[product]" at the time, and would be willing to substitute the link to another source of [product]. As it says on your website "[company is one of only three that make product in the US]" If you will provide me the name and URL of your two competitors, I'll go ahead and link to them instead and advise all AFDB users to shop there and avoid [company] and its products (without linking to you, of course).

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
(I request that you don't utter my name aloud.)

To which was replied:

Thanks for your response, and no, of course you're not an "argumentative jerk" We recently learned though, and would share this info with you, that the request is not "just silly and pointless." It's actually costly. It has become a new and unexpected issue for us. I'll explain. International industry standards for some manufacturing companies DEMAND that companies respond to any and all messages, even if they are not relevant to their busimess [Freudian slip? Just kidding.] AND DEMAND they do it with a certain set of protocols (we'd call them a "pain"). This activity, I've been told takes a lot of time and costs companies money; if it is relevant and a possible prospect, it's certianly worth it. Otherwise...well, you know...

Curiously enough, while we spend a good deal of time on search engine optimization so that others can find us. For some, we even pay to have listings, and we try to encourage cross alliances and listings of websites, for some clients it backfires. Honestly, very few extraneous visitors come to their site because of yours. This has just become a bit of an issue...one they'd like to avoid.

Of course, when someone does want [list of products company offers], we welcome the query! That's all.

We did enjoy our visit you your site. Good Luck with it. [name withheld]

So there you have it... PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET: Remove all links to companies that have not had their marketing agents enter into cross alliances with you! You are costing businesses untold billions of dollars in expenses for replying to very few visitors that they are DEMANDED to respond to. Or something.

(P.S. I have changed the link to a Chinese supplier of [product], who have a better website anyway, albeit in Chinese. Presumably I won't be able to read the emails from their marketing agents, so I'll never know if they want me to remove their link. Out of sight, out of mind.)

Lyle Zapato

GPM #9: Broadband The FCC Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2004-11-29.9870 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | NWO

Broadband the FCC fat cat

Broadband is a cat who works for the US Federal Communications Commission (under Michael K. Powell, your FCC pal... wait, that was last week) at the FCC Kids Zone. Broadband teaches kids all about electronic communications and why the FCC has authority over all of them.

This communicatory omnipotence is conveyed by having Broadband explain about all sorts of things that you wouldn't normally associate with the FCC and its original mandate. For instance: How to safely unplug a USB device. Kids will learn that whenever they have questions about any form of electronic communication -- be it TV, cellphones, VoIP, email, floppy disks -- that they should turn to the FCC for guidance and governance.

Most deviously, Broadband's appearance -- a fat cat -- subtly conditions kids to find Big Media fat cats, whom the FCC are in cahoots with, cute and cuddly, thereby producing a generation of obedient IP consumers who will happily and unquestioningly accept ever more consolidation of ownership of media outlets. In addition, having a cat wear a striped FCC sweater (along with intermittent "wardrobe malfunction" witch hunts staged with the help of said fat cats) furthers the FCC's agenda to indoctrinate a fear of toppal nudity in the youth of North America in order to sell more RFID-tagged shirts, which of course need FCC approval to be sold, thereby extending the FCC's reach into your dresser drawers.

Oh, and you can email Broadband too! Here's what I wrote him:

Hi Broadband! You're my second favorite Federal government agency cat mascot after the NSA's Crypto Cat!

Why do you suffer from disfiguring facial twitches? Is your "GO" collar causing harmful electromagnetic interference? I would think you would have made sure it was in compliance with FCC rules before purchasing it.

What is Michael K. Powell like to work for? Does he give you generous holiday bonuses? Does he let you attend Council on Foreign Relations meetings? Can you get me his autograph?

Why aren't you wearing any pants? Isn't that indecent?

Thanks!

Your pal,
Lyle

I'll update if he writes me back.