Perhaps by now you've seen the blog with the video of the giant uncovered by the tsunami?

Back on the 12th I received an email from someone claiming to be the publicist for Eric Belson, the owner of the above blog, who claimed to be writing a book on the mythology of giants. The publicist asked if I would run the tsunami giant footage on my site. The email had attached a press release in MS Word format breathlessly announcing the release of the video. Opening the doc up in a regular text editor revealed that it was created by someone working for TBWA\Chiat\Day, a large advertising agency used by Sony and known to engage in viral marketing.

The general consensus, based on the content of the video and others since released on the blog, is that it's all a viral ad for a Playstation megacide simulator called Shadow of the Colossus. So here's further confirmation, albeit somewhat late.

It also confirms the dangers of Microsoft Word. This is why True Paranoids write their duplicitous press releases using hex editors.

(When I received it, I emailed the publicist back asking if she worked for TBWA\Chiat\Day, but she never responded. If I had made the connection with the game then, I would have tried to finagle a free copy out of them -- no doubt a useful training aid for my eventual final showdown with the forces of Federalist Canada -- but it's obviously too late for that now. Oh well. Anyway, thanks for linking to my site, guys... although it should be "Zapato Productions intradimensional" not just "intradimensional" -- hey, I was nice enough to humor your ridiculously backslash-cobbled name, allow me my titular extravagancies.)

UPDATE: Giantology Revisited.

In response to my response to some hat-related spam, our friends at Star Position dropped us a letter:

One of my people emailed you in error. You've seen fit to put her phone number on it. In case it has not dawned on you, you are actually by doing this in violation of certain Penal Codes for the State of California -> look up 'cyberterrorism' 'cyberstalking' specifically California Penal Code 646.9 'actions which would be designed to put an individual in fear for their safety'

I'm going to look at your site again in 24 hours. You are going to be a good chap and remove any phone numbers from any postings relating to my company, Star Position. And before you blow this off, or do something truly even more stupid than what you have done, I suggest you do a google search for California Penal Code 646.9 and related topics. We are based in California.

Best Regards,

Robert Sexton
Director of Business Development, Star Position US and Star Position UK

Toll Free: [REDACTED!], extension [REDACTED!]
International: [REDACTED!]

Websites:
Star Position US: WWW.[REDACTED!].COM
Star Position UK: WWW.[REDACTED!].CO.UK

Proud member of the Better Business Bureau

Apparently, revealing telephone numbers for businesses, even ones that are routinely spammed to public listserves and fora (see here, here, here, here, and here), constitutes "cyberterrorism" in California, at least in Rob's view.

(Here's the actual text of the 646.9 code. I'll leave it up to the reader to figure how repeating a publicly available business number once constitutes two or more acts of harassement against a specific person with a credible threat to his or her safety. Also note that "terrorism", cyber or otherwise, appears nowhere in the text. But hey, it sounds cool.)

Anyway, to ease any fears, rational or otherwise, that Rob or his people might have for their safety by having their business numbers in one additional place on the Net that I may have unintentionally caused, I have redacted the numbers from this and the previous email. I also redacted the web addresses above, since I'm just that good of a chap.

On a side note, Rob's people seem to have some issues with sending emails in error. Perhaps he will be a good chap and look into fixing that.

UPDATE 2007-09-03: (I just noticed I forgot to link to the post that prompted the above exchange, so I updated the first sentence accordingly.)

My attention was drawn back here thanks to an email from Amy Alkon at the Advice Goddess Blog, who has had a run in with Rob. She was fed up with getting spam from him and his refusal to remove her from his spam lists after repeated requests, so she contacted one of the clients he spams for. That got his attention, and he promptly threatened to sue her for "tortuous interference with a business". Responding to Alkon's complaint on the Better Business Bureau site, he then told some fibs (according to Alkon) and summarized his response as "Ms. Alkon needs to calm down". Funny, coming from a guy who accuses random bloggers of "cyberterrorism".

Yesterday I received another business inquiry regarding hats:

Subject: Seeking a good source of different types of hats.. please read (September 30, 2005)

Hello,

Some of my clients are searching online for a reputable source of different types of hats. My job is to find one place to send them to for specific markets. I'd like to discuss an arrangement with you about this.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I will be in today (Friday) from 8:00 AM PST to 5:00 PM PST. You'll need to be at your computer when you call me. Please call when you have a few minutes and I will a) demonstrate how you would benefit from what we do and b) answer any and all questions you have.

Best Regards,

Liz Monteroso
Business Segment Analyst, Star Position

Phone (US): [REDACTED!] extension [REDACTED!]
Outside US: [REDACTED!]

PS: I am not referring to a leads-based system. It is my job to send my clients looking from the search engines to one place at the exact moment they are looking. We have over 17,400,000 people on our network, and growing.

To which I replied:

Hi,

Zapato Productions intradimensional (ZPi) does not sell hats nor direct traffic to people who do, although I can understand your confusion since we come in 5th on a Google search for "hat".

What we do do is offer instructions for people to make a certain type of hat called an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB). This hat, as the name implies, is made of aluminum foil and is able to deflect psychotronic mind control of the sort employed by the New World Order, the NWO's various subsidiaries, marketing firms, lone evil geniuses, and paraterrestrial entities, thus keeping the wearer's thoughts secure. It's like Macrovision for one's head.

Again, we do not sell these hats. In fact, we discourage people from buying them as a matter of mental security. Purchased AFDBs may contain psychotronic circuitry that allows the seller a backdoor into the penetralia of the buyer's mind.

While that ability may seem beneficial to you as an Agent of Marketing, I hope you can understand why this would be undesirable from the point of view of paranoids and others concerned about mental property (MP) rights management. Mental piracy is an increasing concern, as technological advances have made it easier for people such as yourself to steal the mental works of innocent thinkers.

We at ZPi are strongly opposed to this, and would be working towards the introduction of legislation aimed at stopping such practices if it weren't for the government being deeply involved in them. Instead, we offer paranoids technological solutions to take MP protection into their own hands with, among other things, hats.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
CEO, Zapato Productions intradimensional

(As astute readers will have noticed, the AFDB page has moved down one whole spot on the Google hat search since the previous inquiry in May. Such is the unfortunate realities of the cut-throat hat search game.)

The Business Segment Analysts at Star Position are very busy seeking reputable sources of various things, including Harley-Davidson motorcycles, fencing materials, health and beauty products, information on skateboarding, and gay fetish websites. Who knew there were so many diverse business segments?

According to Star Position's website (the address of which I'll let you figure out), they are a so-called Search Engine Optimization (SEO) company that sells Keywords (Patent Pending). Keywords are what the domain name system would have been like if was designed by unctuous middlemen instead of bearded anarchists -- less URI and more ROI.

A Keyword is a word that one can type into one's browser address bar and be taken directly to the site of whoever licensed that word -- assuming that one first downloaded and installed a "browser upgrade" from some shifty marketing firm. Why wouldn't anyone want to do that? According to their FAK (Facts About Keywords):

Q: How many individuals have upgraded their browsers to accept keywords?

A: Millions. Everyday hundreds of thousands of people upgrade to a keyword browser globally. Keywords are quickly becoming the Internet standard for direct access to web addresses.

What's that you say? You are using one of those old fashioned, non-standard browsers that doesn't let you go directly to www.hotferretlovin.com when you type "ferret" in your address bar? How can you live in such a state of barbarity?

Keywords were created to make it quicker for potential customers to get to your site. Instead of searching on Google or typing all sorts of tedious technogobbledygook like http:// or www or .com, your potential customers only have to type one word.

But what if the word is too long or difficult to spell? Do you really expect customers to spend all their precious time typing or looking up the word in a dictionary? In the time it takes them to do that, your competitors could swoop in and steal your sales! Fortunately, we at ZPi have a solution:

ZPi Keyword Keywords (Patent Pending)!

Keyword Keywords let potential customers go directly to your Keyword, and thus your site, without all that excess typing or spell checking!

Let's say you have licensed the Keyword "unctuous" for direct access to your online snake oil store. Instead of having to type out the whole, oddly spelled word, your potential customers would only have to type the Keyword Keyword "unc". When they hit enter, their browsers -- which have been upgraded with ZPi Keyword Keyword technology (Patent Pending) -- look up "unc" on our Keyword Keyword Server, find that it has been licensed to link to the Keyword "unctuous", then enter that Keyword, thus taking them directly to your site. It's just that simple!

But hurry! There are an even more limited number of Keyword Keywords than Keywords. If you don't license your ZPi Keyword Keyword today, your potential snake oil customers might end up being directed to a mohel or gay fetish website instead!

UPDATE: See follow-up post where I am accused of cyberterrorism by Liz's boss.

A loyal reader writes in with a link and suggestion:

I am not sure this is up your alley, but as a long-time fan of you and your website (I even bought the book), and also of the website mentioned below, I thought I'd send you the following address: www.oedilf.com. Ostensibly, it has nothing to do with the NWO, but then again, who can ever be certain?

Again, I don't know that limerick-writing is your thing, but for a man of your talents, I would not be surprised. Anyways, you can at least write one about AFDBs or black helicopters, to raise consciousness about these matters. (If it is rejected, we'll know for sure that the site is just another devious attempt by the NWO at controlling peoples' language, and hence, their minds.)

Yours,
Hollander

The site he links to is The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form, which, as the name implies, has limericks for every word submitted by people with too much time on their hands. Exactly my sort of thing!

Here's one I just wrote to raise consciousness about the importance of beanie camouflage:

Aluminum makes a nice hat;
All paranoids will tell you that.
But what most don't know
Is the shine will show
Up on the CIA's landsat.

Since there's a minor limerick war over the spelling of the name of lucky atomic element 13, here's a more historical take:

Sir Davy coined "alumium",
Then said it was "aluminum".
"The end's improper!
(Rather 'twere 'copper'...)
Hell! Call it 'aluminium'!"

I'll submit them and we'll see just how far the NWO's language control goes...

Update: I've been informed by Hollander that those two limericks just won't do. Here's a correction of the first using some suggestions of his:

Aluminum makes a nice hat.
All paranoids will tell you that.
But what most do not know
Is reflections will show
On the CIA's evil landsat.

The second one was a complete disaster, so I redid it:

"Alumium" Davy first picks,
Then thinks that "aluminum" clicks.
"But the end don't agree
With my K and Mg!
I hope 'aluminium' sticks."

Eddie writes:

EVERYTHING IS A LIE ON THIS WEB SITE YOU CAN GET TROUBLE YOU BETTER DELETE THE WEB SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since Eddie saved up all his punctuation credits for the end of the message, it's a bit difficult to decipher his meaning. Let me clear it up for you:

Everything is a lie! On this web site, you can get trouble. You better delete the web site!

There. Much easier to read.

Now, while I don't agree with Eddie's randomly-blurted epistemological stance -- everything can't be a lie since everything would necessarily include the proposition "Everything is a lie", thus creating a paradox -- he is correct about my site: You can get trouble here.

Learning how to foil mind-control, how to support the Cascadian independence movement, and the TRUTH about both Black Helicopters and Belgium will all bring you trouble from those who want to keep you enslaved and ignorant.

Eddie seems to think that you should be protected from this trouble for your own good. He would rather have those troublemakers who put up websites like this delete them than risk anyone being troubled. This troubles him, judging by his tone.

Although his concern is understandable, I feel he is absolutely wrong. People need to be troubled when to be troubled means to avoid a greater, more troubling trouble, no matter how troublesome the initial trouble may seem. To remain untroubled in these troublous times is to live a lie.

Would he rather people dumpster-dive for aluminum foil or be turned into mind-controlled zombies of the NWO? Would he rather Cascadians be hassled by the Man at California "Fruit Inspection Stations" because of their pro-Cascadia bumper stickers or see all of Cascadia sold into a bondage of crisscrossing monorail lines? Would he rather people make themselves a target for pestering by Belgians or make themselves into Belgians. I think the choice of troubles is obvious.

So, Eddie, I will not delete the website. While it may bring trouble to those who heed it, ultimately it will trouble the forces of evil the most.

We at ZPi receive many business inquires a week. Here is the most recent:

Dear Sir :

I feel honoured to know you and your company from internet , although I am not sure whether you have already a customer of our company , at least I tride my best .

If you are a customer of our company ,I hope you can cooperate well with our company .But if not ,I \\\\\'d like to introduce our company ---LIHUA hat manufactory , the biggest wool felt hat enterprise .We have almost 20 years \\\\\' experience in making wool felt hats and hat bodies , especially we are the only one firm who make rabbit fur hats in China. Meanwhile we can produce six million of hats and hat bodies per year , and also we can supply the goods accoring to your samples .

I know your products are competitive on the market ,because of the high quality and famous brand . Opposite , if we can cooperate wittth each other , I am sure we can get you a great deal , and benefit a lot . There are a lot of human resources in China , so we can provide the goods at the lowest price .

For further information ,please overlook our website : www.lihuahats.com

Looking forward to hearing you early reply

Give my best wishes

Yours truely

kathy

To which I replied:

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your inquiry. Your best effort was not entirely misplaced as we are not already a customer with your company. Unfortunately, I'm afraid there has been some misunderstanding on your part.

While it is true that our ZPi brand Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is a very competitive anti-mind-control product in the paranoid headwear market, I'm afraid we have no need for the services of your hat manufactory -- which, judging by your website, appear excellent!

You see, we at ZPi encourage would-be AFDB-wearers to manufacture their own beanies by hand and strongly discourage AFDB purchase from third-party aluminumsmiths or milliners. This is done purely out of a concern for mental security, since prêt-à-porter beanies may have been compromised in the manufacturing process with mind-control circuitry.

I hope you understand that I am not accusing your company of engaging in that sort of nefarious skulduggery, but when people's minds are at stake it is important to exercise the utmost care to follow paranoid best practices. Trust no one. As you say, there are a lot of human resources in China, and you cannot be certain that none are in league with the New World Order and have infiltrated your company.

Speaking of which, I have read on your site that one of your subsidiaries, the Dingxing Lirui Fur Making Company, has entered into a business arrangement with the Luken Company from Belgium involving rabbit fur. I feel the need to warn you to be careful in your dealings with the so-called "Belgians". All is not as it appears with them.

Regardless of all this, I will still forward my visitors to your site, where they may find hats suitable for beanie camouflage or fancy dress parties inside their aluminum-lined bunkers.

Warmest regards,
Lyle

(Interesting factoid I just learned: the AFDB page is #4 on Google for "hat." I'm sure that has nothing to do with Kathy's letter.)

Got a spare three million lying around and want to position yourself to win a NOBEL PRIZE and the prestigious title of Humanitarian of the World? Bob Cassell has another proposition for you (this one forwarded to me by the recipient, name withheld):

From: Robert Cassell <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: [...]
Subject: Saving Lives Supporting AIDS Medical Research New Business Development
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 21:28:36 +0000

Dear [...]

The following letter will explain how I have proven and tested both a product and concept that has the proven ability to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research.

Permit me to explain.

Approximately two years ago my teenage daughter had Cancer. In order to maintain my sanity I developed a product and concept that has the Proven Market Testing worldwide to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research. The initial investment of approximately $3 million will return at least $50 million per year. The $3 million in question is only half in cash and half in credit line.

So I need your advice, counsel and expertise relative to the AIDS crisis. Additionally, we could also create new jobs worldwide plus most importantly Saving Lives.

The product and concept in question is a consumer lifestyle product, that currently has no competition and utilizes a distribution system that has been used by only one product from one industry for over 50 years with resounding success.

Additionally, the concept will become a Television First. Never in the history of the World has a TV Show been broadcast Internationally ...bridging all time zones.

The company and/or investor will make themselves in a position to win the NOBEL PRIZE.

Of course there are a ton of stories that were generated over the past years. There track record of successes make the $250 million per year per continent very conservative.

Since my daughter won her battle against Cancer I believe that my effort should be utilized to help cure society of its ills. Therefore, the lion share of the profit is yours and any investor. All I want are a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. No front monies are required. I'll relocate any place to help rid our society of AIDS.

Personally, I've spent two decades representing the Fortune 500 Internationally from advertising, marketing , sales promotion and actual sales. Additionally, I've served on the Board of Directors of The National Crime Prevention Council.

Hopefully I've peaked your curiosity which will foster beneficial dialogue. Again, the key here is that the product and concept in question is not just another good idea it has been proven and tested. Together we can find one or more sponsors for a "Smart Pak" launch. Note: Remember Smart Pak embraces the benefits of winning the NOBEL PRIZE...either as an individual or corporation, a worldwide Television Special and the title of Humanitarian of the World. And most importantly we will save many lives worldwide.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Wow. $250 million × 7 continents = $1.75 billion in revenue. (That's assuming that there's a sustainable market for consumer lifestyle products on Antarctica. Otherwise it's a mere $1.5 billion. But I'm sure Bob considered the Penguin Demographic in his Market Testing.)

There is a dilemma here though: What if both NEW SPORT and "Smart Pak" get investors at the same time and both investors want Bob to relocate to different places? What a wacky predicament that would be! In fact, the concept would make a great COMEDY MOVIE.

Permit me to explain.

Currently there is no competition for comedy movies about an Idea Man with a Heart of Gold from Chicago who hits it big but ends up having to juggle spearheading two different international projects from two entirely separate locations. The concept in question would embrace as a source of comedic tension the main character's competing desires to share NEW SPORT with the world and rid society of AIDS, with lots of opportunities for physical comedy during his harried commutes.

The key here is the role of Bob Cassell will be played by an actor with a track record of successes in light-hearted comedies. I'm thinking Will Ferrell or maybe Bill Pullman. The emotional center of the movie will be the cancer-surviving daughter, played by Lindsay Lohan or maybe one of the Olsen twins. There should also be a love interest for the Bob character, possibly the daughter of one of the investors, or maybe a daughter of each investor for added farce. In the end, everything works out as both NEW SPORT and a cure for AIDS are introduced to the world.

COMEDY MOVIE will be family oriented with no violence, but there will be at least one gut wrenching car chase. The soundtrack will be Country Western driven.

With an initial investment of $1 million, COMEDY MOVIE would return at least $50 million in domestic ticket and DVD sales and generate a very conservative $100 million in the International Arena. Additionally, the movie's producers will make themselves in a position to win a GOLDEN GLOBE and send a clear message of pro-activeness to the Hollywood Community.

All I want are a few points and the opportunity to direct. I'll relocate to Vancouver, B.C. if neccessary.

Got a spare million lying around and want to send a Country-Western-driven message to those bastards in the Corporate Community who dare question your pro-activeness? Bob Cassell has a proposition for you:

From: "Robert Cassell" <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: lyle@zapatopi.net
Subject: A NEW SPORT
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 14:44:54 +0000

To Whom It May Concern

New Business Development is truly the life blood of any company.

A NEW SPORT opens up the avenues tremendously...from Sponsorships to General and Promotional Advertising and More.

It clearly sends a message to the Corporate Community that your agency is more than just pro-active. It screams volumes of positioning yourself as number one.

Permit me to explain.

I have created, developed and Market Tested with resounding success a NEW SPORT.

For an initial investment of approximately $1 million since the New Sport in question has been both proven and tested with resounding success the return should exceed $400 million per year.

So the logical next step is finding representation. Hopefully you will consider taking on such a project. Please understand that this is not just another good idea. Rather it is a proven and tested SPORT.

I have taken the liberty of listing the various revenue streams.

Television Rights Sponsorships Note: corporate sponsorsors will exceed the $1 million initial investment.
Events
Licensing
Merchandising
Video Games
Its Own Song...the name of the Sport written and performed by a Country Western artist
And The International Arena

The SPORT in question has no current competition, is family oriented, Country Western driven, is non-violent, has no season and pits men versus women in got wrenching racing competition.

All I want are but a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. The balance is for your discretion. You see I just received the greatest gift of all...my teenage daughter just beat Cancer. So I'm wealthy with joy and happiness. What more could I ask for.

Having a successful track record in New Business Development for major Advertising Agencies, the Fortune 100 and National & International Publishing organizations I speak from experience.

Hopefully I have peaked your curiosity.

Should relocation be neccessary I will be there in a heart beat to help make it become a reality and develop a host of New Business opportunities for you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Since I'm already heavily invested in the Cascadian Stomper League and have burned all bridges with the Corporate Community, I'll have to pass on this NEW SPORT, tempting as it may be. Sorry Bob, but good luck anyway.

Get To Stompin'!

Yesterday, I received the following email (details excised, since I don't want to unleash a mob of torch-wielding cybervigilantes on the parties involved):

Lyle, I am writing to you from [company name] regarding a link that you have to us from your site Zapatopi.net. Listed as a [name of product they sell] site on your links page. Realizing that this link does not help either one of us we are asking that you please remove [company URL] from your site.

(This was from someone who doesn't actually work at the company in question, but for some agency hired to promote them or handle their Internet presence or something of that nature.)

My response, again excised of details, was:

I'm sorry, and I don't want to be an argumentative jerk, but that request is just silly and pointless.

A link is a reference to a site and does not imply any sort of relationship. I even put a disclaimer to that effect at the bottom of the page, even though it's common knowledge, since someone else got all worked up over a link there before (it was this guy: http://www.stopabductions.com/ who wraps his head in Velostat to keep the aliens from abducting him; wonderful company you're keeping, huh?)

Asking me to not link to your company is equivalent to asking me to not talk or write about it. If I were writing an article for a print publication about [making things with product] and I added "You can buy [product] from [company name and business address]", would you really think it sensible to contact the publisher and request that the article be altered in future editions so as not to mention you? Doesn't that sound just a bit... paranoid?

Furthermore, considering the reference I am making is to simply point people toward a source for [product], without commenting on [company] itself, I have a hard time seeing why this would not be of help to you. While it's very probable that no one has bought any [product] from you as a result of being directed to your site from mine (it is after all one link buried among many), I can't imagine who would be dissuaded from buying any because I linked to it. And even if I were to try and imagine such a hypothetical weirdo, the former is an immensely more likely scenario than the later and I'm only left to conclude that on average the link would be more help than harm.

All that being said, I'm not wedded to your company, since I chose it merely because it came up on a Google search for "[product]" at the time, and would be willing to substitute the link to another source of [product]. As it says on your website "[company is one of only three that make product in the US]" If you will provide me the name and URL of your two competitors, I'll go ahead and link to them instead and advise all AFDB users to shop there and avoid [company] and its products (without linking to you, of course).

Regards,
Lyle Zapato
(I request that you don't utter my name aloud.)

To which was replied:

Thanks for your response, and no, of course you're not an "argumentative jerk" We recently learned though, and would share this info with you, that the request is not "just silly and pointless." It's actually costly. It has become a new and unexpected issue for us. I'll explain. International industry standards for some manufacturing companies DEMAND that companies respond to any and all messages, even if they are not relevant to their busimess [Freudian slip? Just kidding.] AND DEMAND they do it with a certain set of protocols (we'd call them a "pain"). This activity, I've been told takes a lot of time and costs companies money; if it is relevant and a possible prospect, it's certianly worth it. Otherwise...well, you know...

Curiously enough, while we spend a good deal of time on search engine optimization so that others can find us. For some, we even pay to have listings, and we try to encourage cross alliances and listings of websites, for some clients it backfires. Honestly, very few extraneous visitors come to their site because of yours. This has just become a bit of an issue...one they'd like to avoid.

Of course, when someone does want [list of products company offers], we welcome the query! That's all.

We did enjoy our visit you your site. Good Luck with it. [name withheld]

So there you have it... PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET: Remove all links to companies that have not had their marketing agents enter into cross alliances with you! You are costing businesses untold billions of dollars in expenses for replying to very few visitors that they are DEMANDED to respond to. Or something.

(P.S. I have changed the link to a Chinese supplier of [product], who have a better website anyway, albeit in Chinese. Presumably I won't be able to read the emails from their marketing agents, so I'll never know if they want me to remove their link. Out of sight, out of mind.)

Broadband is a cat who works for the US Federal Communications Commission (under Michael K. Powell, your FCC pal... wait, that was last week) at the FCC Kids Zone. Broadband teaches kids all about electronic communications and why the FCC has authority over all of them.

This communicatory omnipotence is conveyed by having Broadband explain about all sorts of things that you wouldn't normally associate with the FCC and its original mandate. For instance: How to safely unplug a USB device. Kids will learn that whenever they have questions about any form of electronic communication -- be it TV, cellphones, VoIP, email, floppy disks -- that they should turn to the FCC for guidance and governance.

Most deviously, Broadband's appearance -- a fat cat -- subtly conditions kids to find Big Media fat cats, whom the FCC are in cahoots with, cute and cuddly, thereby producing a generation of obedient IP consumers who will happily and unquestioningly accept ever more consolidation of ownership of media outlets. In addition, having a cat wear a striped FCC sweater (along with intermittent "wardrobe malfunction" witch hunts staged with the help of said fat cats) furthers the FCC's agenda to indoctrinate a fear of toppal nudity in the youth of North America in order to sell more RFID-tagged shirts, which of course need FCC approval to be sold, thereby extending the FCC's reach into your dresser drawers.

Oh, and you can email Broadband too! Here's what I wrote him:

Hi Broadband! You're my second favorite Federal government agency cat mascot after the NSA's Crypto Cat!

Why do you suffer from disfiguring facial twitches? Is your "GO" collar causing harmful electromagnetic interference? I would think you would have made sure it was in compliance with FCC rules before purchasing it.

What is Michael K. Powell like to work for? Does he give you generous holiday bonuses? Does he let you attend Council on Foreign Relations meetings? Can you get me his autograph?

Why aren't you wearing any pants? Isn't that indecent?

Thanks!

Your pal,
Lyle

I'll update if he writes me back.