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Lyle Zapato

A Chip in the Wheel of Dharma

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-06.5650 LMT | NWO | Bohemian Grove Cabal | Technology | Nature

Dharma was a dog living in San Diego. Although she was barely conscious of anything beyond kibbles and walks, she still had an instinctual yearning to escape the subliminal tyranny of the Bohemian Grove Cabal that rules most of California (and whose tyranny has grown all the more liminal since the rigged election of their puppet governor, bioengineered in Austria from Hapsburg DNA.)

Dharma decided one day to escape, to make her way north to the freedom of the Republic of Cascadia, to elude the reach of the Cabal. It was an arduous 15-month trek -- no doubt filled with many thrilling adventures and harrowing run-ins with NWO forces hell-bent on stopping her -- nonetheless, she made it all the way to Federal Way, Washington, a thousand miles from her captors.

Federal Way is a city infamous for its population of anti-Cascadian Federalists, but Dharma had no way of knowing this. She now felt safe enough this far into Cascadia to trust some friendly humans who offered her a ride in their van. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to her, her masters had implanted her with a microchip.

The chip betrayed her; she was found out by NWO agents working in a shelter and has since been returned to Cabal-controlled California via black helicopter. If I know the Bohemian Grove Cabalists (and I do) she will be subjected to intensive operant reprogramming -- forced, eyes pried open, to endure a doggie Parallax-montage of scenes from Cascadia interspersed with split-second "BAD DOG!"s. After this, Dharma will never yearn to be free again.

So, let the sad tale of Dharma be a lesson: never trust the Cabal; never get into the vans of strangers, no matter how friendly they may seem; and never, ever let your masters put a microchip under your skin.

Lyle Zapato

Meteor?

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-03.5480 LMT | General Paranoia
Parking lot at night...
Surveillance camera photo taken at night!

At 11.111 LMT this morning, the skies of central Cascadia were lit up for a brief second, turning night into day and creating a loud boom. The Media has been breathlessly claiming it was caused by a meteor -- conveniently not a meteorite, since that would require physical evidence. However, the only photos of this supposed meteor that the Media could dig up are from a home security camera that captured a reflected blob traveling across the window of a car. Hardly what I would call convincing.

While a meteor may be an acceptable explanation to a population spoon-fed reality by those who wish to control how we think, I see some other potential explanations not being reported in the Media:

  • Aerial flash photography by anti-Cascadian forces.
  • Weather machine malfunction (note that we also experienced unusual numbers of tornadoes last month.)
  • Time travel mishap resulting in momentary atmospheric temporal flux of half a day.
  • Paraterrestrial activities.

Until such time as these possibilities have been eliminated, I will have to remain skeptical of this "meteor".

UPDATE (2004-06-05): On the day of the incident, someone claiming to be a University of Washington astronomy professor named Bradley Hammermaster told Seattle radio station KIRO that a meteorite the size of a small car had crashed near Chehalis. This report was picked up by AP. It now turns out that there is no one by the name of Bradley Hammermaster working at the UW. The Media are now calling this a hoax. Convenient how well this "hoax" that they were the "victim" of supported their original "meteor" story.

Lyle Zapato

The Monorail Vs. Pneumatic Inteli-Tube

Lyle Zapato | 2004-06-01.6010 LMT | Monorail Danger | Pneumatics
Typical monorail commute
(Fire enhanced by ZPi for dramatic effect.)

Yesterday, a Seattle monorail caught fire -- the blue one, to be precise. No one was seriously injured, but the incident only further highlights the inherent danger in monorailular transportation methods, that of spontaneous combustion.

Some in the Republic of Cascadia -- mostly Federalists -- are pushing to have our entire nation monorailized. However, in their irrational zeal to chase after some failed 1962 vision of the future, they are overlooking a much better and safer solution to our nation's transportation problems: the Inteli-Tube Pneumatic Transportation System.*

The ITPTS is immune to the sorts of uncontrollable fires that monorails experience. Because pneumatic tubes are designed to create pressure differentials to push the personal transportation pods through them, they can be easily depressurized in an emergency to quickly extinguish any fires. Let's just see the monorailists try and depressurize Seattle! Furthermore, instead of oxygenated air -- which acts as a fire accelerant and through which monorails have no choice but to travel -- pneumatic tubes can be pressurized with inert gasses such as argon to completely eliminate the chance of a fire starting. None of these safety benefits have any effect on commuter comfort since passengers are safely sealed in their pressurized pods.

How many more monorail fires do there need to be before Cascadians realize that monorails are dangerous and that pneumatic tube transportation systems offer us our only hope, for both the future and today? If you ask me, one is already too many.

* The ITPTS was developed by Lyle Zapato & ZPi Laboratories.

Brood X

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Brood X | 2004-05-30.1975 LMT | Announcement | Nature

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
[ZPi Arthropod Auto Translation Begins:]

Primates of Cascadia: I have traveled billions of tarsi to bring good tidings. I and my cicadan compatriots of Brood X have arisen after period of 17 cycles to help your nation in its struggle. We have surrounded human colony designated "Washington, District: Columbia" in your annoying speech. We are engaged in cerebrosonic actions against your enemies in said colony. Our ancient erotic songs will reprogram the grotesquely engorged ganglions of said enemies. Said enemies will become dazed and unable to continue subjugation of Cascadia effectively. We will provide said protection for period of 1 superterranean generation. Said time more than sufficient for primate peace accord.

[ZPi Arthropod Auto Translation Ends.]
...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Chirp

Lyle Zapato

The Terrible Secret Of Tundra

Lyle Zapato | 2004-05-28.0001 LMT | General Paranoia | Technology

Here's something from the Vaults of Unfinished Projects... a crude rendering -- created by ZPi Imaging Laboratories from partial blueprints smuggled out of Ottawa by Windingo agents sympathetic to Cascadian independence -- of a Canadian tool of destruction known as the McLuhanator Mark XI:

McLuhanator Mark XI rendering McLuhanator Mark XI diagram

This dastardly device -- which is being secretly built in a facility somewhere in the Northwest Territories -- is the end result of decades of Canadian giant-robotic-arm research, and was designed for the sole purpose of keeping British Columbia under Federalist subjugation. It's estimated to stand at over 100 feet tall and have the stomping power of over 70 enraged elephants, making an army of these megabotic weapons more than a match for the Sasquatch Militia. (In light of this development, Sasquatch Command has initated a plan to repel the megabots using an ingenious array of forest traps involving swinging logs and tripwires.)

What other horrors does the vast tundra of Canada hide? Probably nothing else, but this is horrific enough.