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The Belgian

The Smurfs, They Smurf!

The Belgian | 2005-07-21.1090 LMT | Entertainment

We call them by the proper name of les Schtroumpfs or de Smurfen but you will call them the Smurfs! The Belgian cartoonist Peyo, he created the Smurfs in 1958 based on the woodland creatures what live in the forests of Belgium. You see, the Smurfs, and to the lesser extent the Snorks (also created by a Belgian), show that our Belgian wildlife, even she is superior to yours!

Now they are making the film of the Smurfs (you English, read here) using the computer-generated imagery! Being that I am a privileged Belgische burger, I have already seen the, how you say, renderings. They look as real as the Smurfs I have seen in the forests of Wallonie (which, as you know, exists -- and is not in the computer, as M. Zapato says!)

When the Smurfs appear in the cinema, you and your children will learn that the Smurf-speak is double-plus smurf. Your English, she is pointless! Substitute the inferior English words with simple "smurf". Simple language for your simple English lives. When you are ready to think grand thoughts like we Belgians, you learn the Vlaams or the Français, or maybe even the Deutsch -- your choice! If you want, you come to Belgium and we teach you, yes?

The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Returns!

The Belgian | 2005-07-20.6250 LMT | Announcement

Today she is the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We celebrate 175 years of existing!

We celebrate also the first-ever Tintin Festival of Brussels! (The inferior English description, she is here.)

Tintin Euro

Tintin, he is the greatest Belgium nationale hero! He is the greatest hero of the world! Who can there be better than Tintin? He is a young reporter who went on many adventures with his faithful dog Milou, or as you say Snowy. He demolished the Soviets using reporting and in 1954 he became the first person to visit the Moon... The Moon, she is Belgian now!

Tintin is the perfect hero everyone wishes to become, and who all the Belgians are! He is the incorporation of Belgian superiority and the exciting life that we Belgians have. You will envy him, yes?

There is time left for you to visit Brussels and experience the Tintin Festival. There will be soapbox races and other diversions. Your life will be meaningless if you do not come! Do not listen to the lies of M. Zapato; our country exists and you will not be kidnapped! Bring your whole family, or do not tell them you come... either would be good!

Lyle Zapato

The Brussels Beast... It Grows

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-24.1200 LMT | NWO | General Paranoia

As has been widely reported, the US DOD is creating a database of students, ostensibly as a means to aid in effective recruitment. While the Pentagon has collected the data itself, processing will be subcontracted to a private database marketing firm.

Their name? BeNOW.

Do I even need to explain this one? As you should be aware, "Be" is the official brandmeme of the Belgian Conspiracy -- designed to hijack the psycholinguistic receptors for the concept of existence in the minds of English speakers -- and "NOW" is clearly an anagram of "NWO". (Also, check out the logo for BeNOW's "MVP Technology," what they call the giant computer they use to calculate all there is to know about you. Look familiar?)

Obviously this shadowy company -- whose website is short on details and long on generic marketeering buzzbabble -- is just a poorly concealed front for the Belgian Conspiracy in their scheme to transform everyone into Belgian citizens through a process of identity subversion (see my post on Belgian Identity Theft for more on this process).

They will now have access to name, gender, address, birthday, Social Security number, email address, ethnicity, telephone number, graduation dates, grade-point average, education level, military test scores, and who knows what else for all students aged 16 and older in the US. Cross-referenced with data collected by their business partner DoubleClick, that's more than enough information with which to subvert identities and turn an entire generation into Belgians.

Lyle Zapato

Made In Belgium

Lyle Zapato | 2005-06-08.3300 LMT | NWO | Paraterrestrials

Grouse! makes a sinister discovery in the drug paraphernalia aisles of Australia: "Tally Ho Exposed".

Of course, "made in Belgium" is an impossibility since a country that does not exist cannot be home to manufacturing facilities. So why is the Belgian Conspiracy trying to trick hapless Australian smokers?

Most likely this is just part of their wider campaign to promote Belgian superiority. By saying that Belgian-made rolling papers are "Australia's Finest", Australians are being told that the best they can ever hope for is to adopt all things Belgian. It also wouldn't be beneath the Conspiracy to enhance that message through psychotropical doping of the papers, much like they do with "Belgian" beer (which, incidentally, they have been promoting in Australia for years through Belgian re-education & "recruitment" centers run by the shadowy Belgian organization Interbrew).

While this is typical Belgian sneakery and not the least bit surprising, doing some more research I made a truly startling discovery. Searching for "made in Belgium" brought up this site: MadeInBelgium.be, which turns out to be an arm of MIB.be. That's right... Belgian foreign trade is really a front for the Men In Black!

Or perhaps it's the other way around. Some have theorized that MIB agents are really Simulacra androids (as evidenced by their monotone speech, synchronized movements, smooth skin, and ability to cloud people's mind as if they had built-in psychotrons). Simulacra are built by Imagineers working for Disney Corp and the Belgian Conspiracy hosts it's Belgium Simulation and Citizen Pod complex under a Disney Corp installation. Could it be that the Conspiracy are the ones manufacturing and operating these particular Simulacra out of their Eurodisneyland base? That the Men in Black really are, in a sense, made in Belgium? Maybe even the commonly used name "Men in Black" was a back-formation from the acronym "MIB" (used similarly to the "GI" acronym for soldiers) seen stamped on their Belgian-made bodies, which one of their victims mistook as a more literal description.

But then why are the Belgians interested in covering up Paraterestrial activities? Are they simply being contracted by higher factions in the NWO with ties to the Reticulans or is there something else going on? And what is the connection with the false reports of UFOs in Belgium which were perpetrated by the Conspiracy?

Clearly more research is needed. Stay tuned for further discoveries. In the mean time, don't smoke anything!

Lyle Zapato

Psychotropically Enhanced Beer

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-30.0710 LMT | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia | Food

A reader asks:

Dear Lyle,

A member of our county School Board has asked me what psychotropically enhanced beer is. What should I tell him?

Thanks,

[Name withheld]

Psychotropically enhanced beer is beer that has been enhanced, either during the fermentation process or later, with chemical substances that affect the perceptions of the drinker, making him or her more susceptible to various types of mind control.

The Belgian Conspiracy is well known to use psychotropically enhanced beer to make those targeted for Belgification more readily shanghaiable by causing them to perceive Belgians as family and Belgium as home. The Conspiracy's promotion of the aptly named Trappist beer is one of the primary ways they gain fresh bodies to put in Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland.

Athleticists have also been known to employ psychotropic enhancement, both in sports drinks and beer served at games, the latter to make fans more rabidly loyal to "their" team and loosen their minds to the psychotronic signals that are deflected off of aluminum baseball bats into the stands.

More disturbingly on an existential level, beer has been psychotropically enhanced since its very discovery. Barley, historically the primary ingredient of beer, evolved the ability to use a symbiotic relationship with various fungus species of the genus Claviceps to psychotropically weaken the minds of humans who consumed it to the subtle psychotronic abilities inherent in the grass family, giving the plants control over the humans.

In fact, it is widely believed among paranoid historians that Humanity owes its advanced societal development to this grassy manipulation of early humans, first through bread then later beer and other drinks such as kykeon -- manipulation that has culminated in a slave species that tends to the grasses' needs and whims, freeing the grasses to finally attain sentiency and communicate with paraterrestrials via a complex language of circles. (One dark theory maintains that the grasses are actually the ones ultimately pulling all the strings of the NWO, as evidenced by the symbolic circling of the world by two stylized ears of wheat on the UN logo. However, this is controversial.)

I hope this answers your questions about psychotropically enhanced beer.

Lyle Zapato

Belgain Identity Cards

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-29.7100 LMT | NWO | Mind Control | General Paranoia

Further evidence (as if it were needed) of the fictional nature of "Belgium": so-called Belgians can't even get the spelling of their own country's name right. They claim the mistake is intentional, to foil counterfeiters, but clearly someone in the NWO is having a hard time keeping their silly make-believe names straight.

This misspelled card is part of the Belgian Conspiracy's plan to steal everyone's identities and turn them into Belgians. While at first the cards will only be issued as virtual versions to the Conspiracy's mindslaves plugged into Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland, eventually actual physical Identity Cards will be introduced throughout the world, thus giving the Conspiracy control over our very identities. The groundwork for this is already being laid in North America and Europe.

Five years after that happens, when you get your updated card and find your name is now Luc Peeters and you work in a chocolate factory in Liège, you'll have no recourse but to accept your new identity. If the card says it is so, then it is so.

Lyle Zapato

Lihua Hats

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-14.3600 LMT | Letters | Fashion

We at ZPi receive many business inquires a week. Here is the most recent:

Dear Sir :

I feel honoured to know you and your company from internet , although I am not sure whether you have already a customer of our company , at least I tride my best .

If you are a customer of our company ,I hope you can cooperate well with our company .But if not ,I \\\\\'d like to introduce our company ---LIHUA hat manufactory , the biggest wool felt hat enterprise .We have almost 20 years \\\\\' experience in making wool felt hats and hat bodies , especially we are the only one firm who make rabbit fur hats in China. Meanwhile we can produce six million of hats and hat bodies per year , and also we can supply the goods accoring to your samples .

I know your products are competitive on the market ,because of the high quality and famous brand . Opposite , if we can cooperate wittth each other , I am sure we can get you a great deal , and benefit a lot . There are a lot of human resources in China , so we can provide the goods at the lowest price .

For further information ,please overlook our website : www.lihuahats.com

Looking forward to hearing you early reply

Give my best wishes

Yours truely

kathy

To which I replied:

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your inquiry. Your best effort was not entirely misplaced as we are not already a customer with your company. Unfortunately, I'm afraid there has been some misunderstanding on your part.

While it is true that our ZPi brand Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is a very competitive anti-mind-control product in the paranoid headwear market, I'm afraid we have no need for the services of your hat manufactory -- which, judging by your website, appear excellent!

You see, we at ZPi encourage would-be AFDB-wearers to manufacture their own beanies by hand and strongly discourage AFDB purchase from third-party aluminumsmiths or milliners. This is done purely out of a concern for mental security, since prêt-à-porter beanies may have been compromised in the manufacturing process with mind-control circuitry.

I hope you understand that I am not accusing your company of engaging in that sort of nefarious skulduggery, but when people's minds are at stake it is important to exercise the utmost care to follow paranoid best practices. Trust no one. As you say, there are a lot of human resources in China, and you cannot be certain that none are in league with the New World Order and have infiltrated your company.

Speaking of which, I have read on your site that one of your subsidiaries, the Dingxing Lirui Fur Making Company, has entered into a business arrangement with the Luken Company from Belgium involving rabbit fur. I feel the need to warn you to be careful in your dealings with the so-called "Belgians". All is not as it appears with them.

Regardless of all this, I will still forward my visitors to your site, where they may find hats suitable for beanie camouflage or fancy dress parties inside their aluminum-lined bunkers.

Warmest regards,
Lyle

(Interesting factoid I just learned: the AFDB page is #4 on Google for "hat." I'm sure that has nothing to do with Kathy's letter.)

Lyle Zapato

Uncyclopedia On Belgium

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-15.6310 LMT | Crass Commercialism
The Belgian... he thinks he is superior to you.

Thanks to the magic of referral logs, I have learned of Uncyclopedia and their article on "Belgium".

Unlike Wikipedia, whose article on Belgium is chock-full of the Belgian Conspiracy's disinformation and only briefly mentions Belgium's non-existence with a link to my site sneakily hidden -- no doubt by a loyal ZPi reader -- at the bottom (sure to be edited out soon enough), Uncyclopedia dares to tell the Truth.

Currently Uncyclopedia's article is shorter than mine, but I'm sure it will grow as more contribute to the distributed debunking of Belgium. It already offers additional insight into the Conspiracy's machinations, including uncovering a joint Belgian-Japanese plot to propagandize Belgium using Japanese tourists and photos of "Manneken Pis" (link unsafe for work or leisure).

Incidentally, the picture of the Belgian that accompanies the article was taken from my Belgium Doesn't Exist Cafepress shop. I point this out for the edification of those interested in Internetainment trivia, not for the sake of crass commercialism.

Lyle Zapato

Warrior Monks: The Belgian Connection

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-12.2100 LMT | NWO

In "The First Earth Battalion: Dare to Think the Unthinkable, Ideas and Ideals for Soldiers Everywhere," a document created in 1979 from research done at the US Army War College to counter advances made by extra-NWO Chinese military psychics, we are introduced to a number of concepts that were to be the blueprint for a NWO global police force of "warrior monks" disciplined in New Age technologies.

The paper predicted that by 1990 the First Earth Battalion "may be a pilot community of warrior-monks who completely recycle all resources, live amidst new nuclear reactors and [await] deployment to tension spots." Whether this came to pass or not is uncertain, as details of any further developments were never released.

This is all well documented in the paranoid literature; however, I have discovered a significant detail that has gone overlooked by conspirologists. In the document, we learn that warrior monks will use the following techniques and substances to tune themselves for battle (emphasis mine):

BATTLE TUNING

Using traditional and New Age ideas:

  • Rise
  • Yogic cat stretch
  • Primal scream and leap
  • Belgian waffle*
  • Ginseng tab regulator
  • Speed or morning thunder tea
  • Karate kata
  • Primal low frequency lights
  • Paced primal rock in our ears
  • Discordant sounds for them
  • Advance

Here we see the hand of the Belgian Conspiracy.

This led me to the following realization: if the Belgians are involved with the FEB, could it be that noted Belgian intrigant Jean-Claude Van Damme is actually one of these warrior monks, or at least a FEB agent working to condition the public to accept warrior monk policing? His oeuvre -- which includes Universal Soldier, about a secret government program to create supersoldiers -- seems to suggests the latter. That his career took off around the time that the document predicted the establishment of pilot warrior-monk communities also suggests that the First Earth Battalion program is both active and on schedule.

Van Damme is currently residing in Vancouver, B.C. It may be that he or his handlers realized that I was close to connecting the dots and have positioned him within Cascadia to assassinate me in order to keep the progress of the warrior monk program under wraps. I am preparing countermeasures for this contingency, but if I am discovered kicked to death, make sure this information gets out.

* NOTE: The Belgian waffle is not from Belgium, obviously. It was developed by the Culinary Institute of America, a government front, and initially tested on an unsuspecting public at the 1964 World's Fair in New York. This was the same fair that saw the unveiling of Disney's prototype psychogesticular hypnosis device called "It's a Small World," not to mention the further pushing of the monorailist agenda. Beware the fair.

Lyle Zapato

Faraday Tents

Lyle Zapato | 2005-03-23.4210 LMT | Technology | Aluminum | NWO
Faraday Tent and diagram

A helpful reader emailed to inform me of a company he learned about called Holland Shielding Systems B.V., makers of RF-shielded enclosures and tempest equipment. They have many types of Faraday cages*, including their "Faraday tents", shown on the right.

At first I thought that this might be a good source for paranoid computer accessories, but then I noticed something suspicious. Their main website's domain is faradaycages.com -- sure to be found by anyone in the market for a Faraday cage, and in fact shows up on top as a sponsored link on a Google search -- and they conspicuously claim in the masthead to be from the Netherlands. However, if you click on any subpage on the site the actual URL of the page is hidden via a frame. And what is the domain used by their subpages?

hollandshielding.be!

That's right, Holland Shielding Systems B.V. is really a front for the Belgian Conspiracy! Clearly they are trying to undermine paranoidal use of AFDB and related technology with Faraday cage disinformation.

It is a common myth that AFDBs are ineffective since they are not proper Faraday cages (i.e. not completely enclosing). While Faraday cage configurations are needed to shield standard RF transmissions -- their main application -- they are not needed for protection against psychotronic mind control, which is based on psychotronic energy, a highly modified form of electromagnetic energy that can interact with neural tissues much more effectively than standard EM and is deflected by certain substances, most notably aluminum. The deflective field of an AFDB more than overlaps the brain, protecting the user from all but targeted basal-orthogonal attacks with medium- to high-power psychotronic ray guns, which can be countered by lining one's shoes and pants seat with foil.

Please, don't be fooled by crypto-Belgians promising to replace your beanie with a tent of dubious efficacy for psychotronic use.

* Faraday cages are named in honor of Michael Faraday. Before going on to make a name for himself with dynamos and benzene, Faraday was an "assistant" to Humphry Davy, the man who exposed the arcane psychotronic secret of Aluminum to the general public in 1807. After Davy's treachery against the mind control elite (explained in page-padding detail in my book), the NWO arranged for a 20-year-old loyal Orderist named Faraday to become Davy's handler -- to watch over him while the NWO engaged in damage control -- by temporarily blinding Davy in an "accidental" laboratory explosion, thus forcing him to seek Faraday's assistance. This was a prelude to Davy's "knighthood" (i.e. the psychotronic reformatting of his brain) the following year.