My fellow Thermocrats,

I am sad to announce that I must at this time concede defeat in the race for the President of the United States of America.

I would like to thank all the people who put in their time on our campaign. You should be proud to know that your dedication and hard work have helped to lower our nation's net delta increase in Entropy by nontrivial amounts.

While we made great strides in voter turnout among young first-time voters and elderly last-time voters, we were unfortunately not able to get enough votes to surpass the lead of the Light Party in our battleground states. We did, however, manage a strong upset against both the Prohibition Party and the Christian Falangist Party -- proving once again the relevancy of our Make Sense Solutions™.

I will now return to the ancestral MacDuff family ranch house with my wife Dotty, our two daughters Margaret and Frances, and my campaign manager Karlos, where, after a short vacation and some Kelvinic Meditation, we will begin work on our next Presidential bid in 2008.

Nonentropically yours,
Doug MacDuff, Ph.D.,
TLP Presidential Candidate

Monorails have emerged as one of the most important issues for Cascadian voters. To help inform people on this often complicated issue, ZPi presents two contrasting view points in the ongoing Monorail debate:

POINT: Monorails Are A Danger To Society

Lyle Zapato, Concerned Citizen

I have mentioned some of the dangers that monorails pose to both passengers and innocent bystanders in previous entries in this space, but I have only surveyed the tip of this iceberg of public endangerment.

For those not following the debate, the known dangers of monorails include: spontaneous combustion of flammable monorail components in fire-accelerating open air; mechanical debris (possibly flaming) falling or even flying off and hitting pedestrians, cars, or nearby homes and businesses; precipitous, and likely deadly, drops for inattentive monorail passengers or those trying to escape flaming cars; monorail tracks that entice children to climb and walk along them with no way of escaping should a train approach (by contrast, surface train tracks allow one to walk safely to the side); increased chance of collateral deaths from chemical or biological attacks due to lack of individual pneumatic encapsulation of passengers; and potential for runaway monorail trains -- unbuffered by pneumatic pressure -- to collide, knocking one or both trains off their rail and onto helpless people below, before bursting into flames. Again, these are just the known dangers -- we can only wonder at what other dangers monorail researchers are keeping from the public.

It's just common sense that placing tens of thousands of pounds of heavy, highly combustible machinery over people's heads while moving at speeds in excess of most surface traffic is a recipe for disaster. So why do they insist on doing it? Monorail enthusiasts imagine a Cascadia converted into some sort of "monorailtopia". They started in Seattle, and now they want to branch outward, sending their elevated tendrils into our neighborhoods with no concern for the safety of our children, senior citizens, or pets. (If dogs chase after elevated monorail trains while craning their necks upward, might they accidentally fall into open manholes and die? Has this issue even been studied properly in the rush to monorailize our nation?)

Although they don't advertise the true extent of their agenda, it is obvious that the monorail proponents' ultimate goal is to link Cascadia to Disneyland -- where Imagineers have already established a monorail hub near their Simulacra factories -- which would allow trainloads of New World Order agents to pour into our nation unchecked. We have to ask: Are the monorail proponents in league with the NWO or merely their unknowing pawns?

Seattleites have always been on the front lines of this battle to secure Cascadia from the threat of monorails. Once again they are called upon to do their patriotic duty by recalling the monorail with a vote of YES on I-83.

COUNTERPOINT: Mr. Zapato's Anti-Monorail FUD

The Monorailist, Monorail Activist

I must call on Mr. Zapato to cease his anti-monorail FUD. Yes, I said it: FUD. Mr. Zapato is trying to spread Fear, Uncertainty, and, yes, even Doubt, about the most awesome and elegant method of transportation ever devised by Modern Man: the Monorail.

This technological wonder, riding a slender thread of concrete held aloft as if yearning to touch the heavens, winding its way through the metropoli of Mankind's destiny -- of Mankind's destination! What dreams may it hold? What hopes does it carry? Is Fate its captain, or is He merely lounging in the snack car? Equal parts Enlightenment and Romance, Power and Grace, Bus and Train -- uniting all paradoxes into one glorious balance and thereby transporting us to a realm where futurism collides with magical realism, reifying the very Soul of Man in the form of a streamlined metallic tube. No mere people movers are these!

Instead of acknowledging the Monorail's many technical innovations, creature comforts, and its undeniably potent aesthetic grandeur, Mr. Zapato chooses to hyperfocus on and exaggerate a few aberrant incidents that have occurred over the course of the Monorail's long and storied history -- incidents that are nearly all due to lack of maintenance as a result of anti-monorail sentiments that have been fomented by the likes of Mr. Zapato and his Pneumaticist cohorts!

You see, what the public isn't being properly informed here on this biased website is that Mr. Zapato is only against monorails because his organization has developed an "alternative" system of transportation involving pneumatic "tube pods" -- as if you could call such a gaseous pipe-dream a real alternative to the sleek, modern experience of monorails!

If we as a Society -- as a Species, as the very culmination of Life on this planet -- are to mature -- to transcend our present state of existence -- and take our place among the advanced peoples of the Galaxy -- to be born again as Star Children, eyes opening on a New Dawn -- then monorails are inevitable. Is it going too far to suggest that monorails might be the Singularity? Perhaps. But it is the logical next step in our evolution and we cannot risk not taking it. However, instead of advancing forward with the certainty fitting our eons of history, Mr. Zapato would have us retreat -- to revert to a state not unlike that of the primordial tube worms. We are better than this; we will be better than this.

I strongly urge the people of Seattle to take a bold step into our Future by voting NO on I-83. Remember: Vote NO to say YES to monorails and NO to pneumatic tubes and YES to the Transcendence of Humanity -- for Tomorrow and Forever!

Many of you are probably wondering, "Does the Belgian Conspiracy engage in propagandistic mascottery in Europe?" Indeed it does! Case in point: Captain Euro.

Captain Euro is head of the Twelve Stars Euro Team (also a corporate-governmental mind control organization, although they don't mention that in Captain Euro's animated adventures), whose members are Europa, the archeologist/environmentalist; Erik, the mechanic/test-pilot; Helen, the lithe gymnast; Marcus, the technologist; Lupo, the vole-hunting expert; and sentient computer/hologram Pythagorus 1. They are headquartered in the Atomium Building (a famous Belgian "landmark" that the Conspiracy claims is in Brussels) and seek to unite Europe under the centralized rule of the Belgian-controlled European Union.

They're also keen to encourage everyone to exchange their currency for Euros -- no doubt to get their coin-embedded mind-control circuitry in as many pockets as possible -- and provide a handy currency calculator.

Captain Euro et al. battle a group, known as the Global Touring Circus, that includes four goateed villains; a human cannonball who knows ventriloquism; a fashion model/mistress of disguise; and an evil, rum-drinking parrot. The leader of the GTC, Dr. D. Vider, seeks to foment independent-mindedness in the peoples of Europe and keep them from being under singular Belgium control (hence the puny name). That the GTC is a "travelling company" symbolizes the "evil" of decentralization.

Terry Firma & Wanda World, NGA propaganda mascots.

The National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA), whose Propaganda Mascots I reported on previously, is in the news amid reports that it is spying on Americans and Cascadians. Well, duh.

According to NGA spokesplanet Terry Firma, geospatial intelligence means "taking all the information there is about a point on the Earth -- above, on, or under the surface -- and putting it together to answer questions about that place." Cold-hearted NGA Americas office director Bert Beaulieu added that "we couldn't care less about individuals and people and companies."

I suspect that this unsurprising news is now being leaked to try and distract from my startling deduction nearly a month ago that the NGA is involved in the opening of a gateway between parallel earths, allowing who knows what manner of dangerous paraterrestrials to enter our dimension. That they would consider a cover story of massive orbital spying on citizens to be less shocking than the real truth only shows how out of control the situation must be.

DeeDee, Ginnie Mae, and Remmick.

Hey kids! Would you like to enter the HomeZone with sassy, sax-playing ninth-grader Ginnie Mae and her hip and/or pandering friends DeeDee and Remmick and go on cool, exposition-laden adventures of personal finance, home-ownership, compounded interest, and the only mortgage-backed security that enjoys the full faith and credit of the United States Government? What's that you say? You'd rather watch Yu-Gi-Oh? Well, tough.

Ginnie Mae (whose full name is "Government National Mortgage Association" -- perhaps her parents are really dull hippies,) is obsessed with talking about economic matters. Luckily DeeDee and Remmick enjoy listening to her impromptu lectures on mortgages, and will occasionally interject helpful questions or draw parallels involving Spike the hermit crab (who's presumably Remmick's pet, constantly on the move to bigger and better shells). And of course, we are subtly learning that it's cool to be dependent on the government.

(Mascot manifestations of Ginnie's older sister Fannie Mae and weird uncle Freddie Mac haven't yet been introduced. I'm sure kids everywhere are giddy with anticipation.)

For all you Lyle Zapato aficionados and stalkers out there, you can read a rare interview of me on Absolute Write, which contains scant new insights and something lazily copied out of the guestbook.

Seattle monorail tracks remain empty months after fire. Note scorch marks on pillars.

It happened again.

On Wednesday, the Las Vegas monorail system was shut down following an incident in which a 60-pound, 20-inch tire flew off a Star-Trek-themed train and crashed into the parking lot of Harrah's Casino. Against all odds, no one was killed, maimed, decapitated, or ended up flattened with cartoonish tire tracks running down their middle.

This is the second time since the opening of Vegas's monorail that monorailular debris has endangered the lives of elderly gamblers, drunks, and prostitutes: a drive shaft fell off a train back in January -- fortunately when they were testing the system, so no one was impaled. In another incident last month, a monorail worker mistakenly opened the doors on the wrong side of the train, exposing passengers to a precipitous and deadly fall. Even the most optimistic monorail apologist must admit that it's only a matter of time until Las Vegas sees mass casualties from their monorail of doom.

But this is all the norm with monorails, which are an inherently dangerous form of transportation. You may remember back in June I reported on the blazing inferno suffered by the monorail in Seattle, which is still closed for repairs. (I have since gone and examined the incident scene myself and can report that fire damage is still visible.) Unlike the safe and efficient Inteli-Tube Pneumatic Transportation System*, monorail systems place dangerous, rickety equipment high over people's heads, surrounded by ample and uncontrollable supplies of combustion-aiding oxygen, all the while hoping that passengers don't accidently step out the wrong side and go splat. How long can monorail proponents continue to gamble with people's lives?

* The ITPTS was developed by Lyle Zapato & ZPi Laboratories.

Not all propaganda comes from the national level. For instance, the California State Assembly presents a kids game called Your Idea Becomes A Law, the premise of which is:

In California anyone of any age may suggest an idea for a new state Law. Maybe your ideas could make good state laws.

That's right, kids. We need more laws! After all, what good is government if it doesn't do lots of governing? And what better way to govern than to have endless rules and regulations that dictate our every behavior? California, in particular, is so desperate for ideas for new laws that they want you to send your suggestions, no matter how wacky they may be.

The propaganda here is nowhere near as sophisticated as it is on the Federal level and looks like it was thrown together by an Assembly intern. However, there are a few mascots for us to consider. First there's Assembly Member Grizwald "Grizz" LeBear, who, unfortunately, is not a bear, but rather a generic clipart business person. He hears your suggested law, thinks it's an excellent idea (no matter what you suggest), and introduces it as a bill. The next mascot we meet is Bill, a bill, who is even more crudely drawn than named. Later on he dons a cape and gains flying powers, but it's less exciting than it sounds. Next comes two Assembly Committees (choose at random -- it doesn't matter if they are unrelated to your proposed law), both of whom are represented by the same photo circa the 1980s. Following in short order is the Assembly itself, also apparently unchanged since the Deukmejian administration. (Game cheat: you need 41 votes in the Assembly to pass.) Next stop, The Senate (not pictured -- I sense bad blood with the Assembly).

Finally, the last mascot we meet is the most effective cartoon here: the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose picture is oddly 3D -- just watch his jaw follow you). As some of you know, Schwarzenegger is a Simulacrum -- a humanoid cyborg created by NWO Imagineers to replace troublesome humans and serve as propaganda delivery platforms in movies and newscasts. He is perhaps their most sophisticated animatronic creation and represents their concept of the ubermensch. (The Belgian Conspiracy within the NWO had been pushing the Liberati leadership to use their knock-off cyborg, Jean-Claude Van Damme, instead, but apparently they didn't have enough clout.) They have been grooming Schwarzenegger for use in a political context since the '80s while conditioning the public to accept him. Note how he is famous for playing an android, thereby cleverly defusing any attempt to reveal his true Simulacrumatic nature. Also note how his Terminator character started out as evil, but then became a hero and father figure, a classic bait-and-switch tactic designed to condition us to accept and even welcome Simulacrum governance. Now that he has been installed as Governor of California -- conveniently near the major Imagineer service center in Anaheim, should he or his wife (actually a refurbished Schwarzenegger prototype adopted by the Kennedys) suffer malfunctions -- they can employ him in propaganda such as this game, confident in the knowledge that children of any age will trust any bill this lovable killing machine signs into law.

So, back to the game. Will your bill survive this gauntlet of officials designed protect the public interest by weeding out the bad laws? Yes, it will... because every bill you suggest in this game becomes law. You see, the message here is that it doesn't matter what the law is; as long as it gives the government some excuse to govern you, it's "good state law."

The US National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA) is a military organization that creates geospatial intelligence (i.e. uses satellites and other spies to gather information about where you live). These are the people responsible for keeping Belgium on all our maps and providing Black Helicopters with reconnaissance for infiltrating your home. Naturally, there's an NGA Kids' Site with the propaganda mascots Terry & His Friends.

Terry, whose full name is Terry Firma (har har), is the Earth with a body and a cultishly hypnotic stare. He wears a tie and highwater slacks and is almost always accompanied by his little buddy Orbit the satellite. He is prone to cheerfully yell out his catchy catch phrase: "Without geospatial intelligence, you're nowhere!" (i.e. you don't exist unless the NGA says you do.)

While Terry Firma is certainly a more clever name than the NRO's uninspired "Earth Watch", the NGA negates this by introducing an unnecessary and not-really-used female character named Wanda World who is also the Earth. Two Earths? Terry and Wanda are often shown side-by-side holding hands, so we can rule out Wanda merely being a cross-dressing Terry. Even more confusing is that in the intro comic, Terry and Wanda appear to be standing on the Earth! So now there are three Earths, one very much larger than the other two. Are we to believe that this is all merely some strange oversight of logic?

In reality, Terry and his firends are subliminal indoctrination designed to inculcate children to accept a startling truth that the NWO doesn't wish to explicitly reveal at this time: there are actually multiple Earths existing in parallel dimensions and the NWO has opened a gateway between them! (as symbolized by the hand holding.)

What exactly is going on? Could this be related to the NRO's attempt to foster sympathy for Reptilian paraterrestrials, who themselves are from a parallel Earth where the dinosaurs didn't go extinct? And what of the larger Earth that Terry and Wanda are standing on? Is it related to the recent announcement of the discovery of a so-called "Super Earth"? Unfortunately, there are more questions than answers at this time. Stay tuned.