ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
The Monorailist

Ramayana, Monorailayana

The Monorailist | 2006-01-27.2500 LMT | Monorail Danger | Lost Worlds | Technology

According to the Ramayana, around 1.75 million years ago a bridge was built from mainland India across the sea to Sri Lanka. This feat of engineering was accomplished by the vanara architect Nala with the help of an army of monkeys, chief among them Hanuman, so that Lord Rama, prince of Ayodhya and avatar of Krishna, could save his wife, Sita, from the clutches of the island's dastardly, ten-mustachioed demon-ruler, Ravana.

While conventional Indologists theorize that this bridge was merely a walking path, I am certain that careful reading of the epic shows that the bridge was in fact India's first monorail line -- perhaps the grandest the world has ever witnessed.

NASA satellites have documented the bridge's remains: a chain of shoals of unnatural formation -- variably called Rama's Bridge, Nala's Bridge, or, in the West, Adam's Bridge. However, there is an interesting discrepancy; while these limestone shoals sit securely on the sea floor, tradition describes the bridge being made of "floating stones". Some scholars wildly infer that the shoals must have been formed later with the sinking of the presumably buoyant stones, but offer no mechanism for this transformation. They are like blind men unable to identify an elephant by its dissimilar parts. A true synthesis comes only with the realization that the shoals and the "floating stones" represent two different aspects of the same structure -- pillar footings and an elevated monorail track.

Consider the Monorail, with its track gliding through the air like a gentle breeze solidified, held aloft on slender pillars that hardly inconvenience the ground below. Is there any better description for this graceful, elevated state than to say the track is floating? I think not. Clearly, the chroniclers of India's history, faced with the awe-inspiring splendor of that majestic monorail stretching insouciantly Ceylonward, could not have described the rock that made up its track any other way than as "floating stones".

Read the epic with eyes open to the monorailistic possibilities and more details come into focus. Behold Nala's Monorail floating over the sea on pillars made of whole trees, some of them still bearing blossoms, uprooted by the monkey army and planted on shoals newly formed with elephant-sized boulders torn from the mountains by the most powerful of the vanara and plunged into waters tumulted with their alacritous monkey business. Five days! Five days was all it took the army of monkeys -- heroes all -- to build 30 miles of monorail track. Oh! If only Seattle had such a bold visionary as Nala!

(Some skeptics -- no doubt fearful of the coming Monorail Awakening and the massive social transformation it will bring -- will desperately protest that the bridge, described as being 10 yojanas or 80 miles wide, could not have been a monorail. But the same sources claim it was 100 yojanas or 800 miles long when we know the crossing to be only 30 miles. Obviously, exuberance for such an exalted structure has led to an exaggeration of the measurements over time. Do not attempt to explain away the reality of ancient Indian monorail technology with these untrustworthy figures!)

After the monorail line was built, Rama and his younger brother Lakshmana are said to have rode across it on the backs of Hanuman and Angada. As Sugriva, King of the Vanara, tells Rama: "These monkeys can hold both of you while flying in the sky." A clear reference to the elevated nature of the bridge, to be sure, but what are we to make of this? Was this a monorail track without monorail cars? Was it merely an elevated path for monkey porters? No.

We know from the epic that the vanara employed "mechanical contrivances" or "engines" to transport the largest boulders to the sea, so they had the technology to produce a monorail car. As Hanuman and Angada were instrumental in the endeavor to reach Ravana, what better tribute than to name the newly crafted monorail cars in their honor. Thus Rama rode in the foremost monorail car Hanuman, not on its monkey namesake -- a distinction that become understandably confused over time. Mind you, this doesn't lessen Hanuman's bhakti, for he did much in the service of Rama, but I think Rama would find traveling in the sublime, transcendental luxury that only a monorail can provide more befitting of him than riding on the back of a monkey, no matter how loyal and noble the monkey may be.

Having established the antiquity of monorail technology in India, I say: Let Mr. Zapato continue his tired tirades against the Monorail! Let him try to lead the good people of India away from their deserved place among the Monorailized Nations of the World! He will fail -- he already has failed! For you see, the Monorail is the warp woven through the very fabric of Indian culture; an intrinsic part of her national heritage, though today only dimly remembered. India is the homeland of Monorailism and the cycle of history shall be completed with the Monorail's rebirth in Chennai.

Lastly, an interesting note: Lava, the name of the Malaysian consulting firm behind the Chennai monorail deal, is also the name of one of Rama's two sons, both reunited with Rama after being born to Sita in monastic banishment. How fitting that a company bearing the name of one who would not have been conceived had it not been for Nala's monorailular ingenuity should be helping to return the Monorail to her ancestral home, reuniting the Past with the Future.

Lyle Zapato

Cardiff Giant Tree Octopus

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-23.6750 LMT | Cephalopods | Cascadia | Sasquatch Issues

ZPi reader and bumpersticker consumer Karla directs our attention to an interesting find:

Please allow me to direct your attention to evidence of tree octopuses in New England. Of course, this is unverified, so it may just be a red herring. Or it may be the remains of a PNWTO brought back by one of those venturesome New England sea captains of old.

New England tree octopuses, such as the Sugar Octopus, are not unknown, but none achieve anywhere near the size shown in those pictures. While there have long been rumors of giant forest octopuses in Cascadia, these have never been verified by serious cephalopodologists and are generally agreed to be the product of the over-active imaginations of hungry Sasquatch out gathering normal-sized tree octopuses.

I'm afraid that that giant "tree octopus" (much like the Cardiff giant) is a fraud -- most likely created by cryptozoologists to lure gullible Sasquatch to New England -- and not an actual petrified terrestrial octopod.

Lyle Zapato

Response To The Chilliwack Progress

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-22.9800 LMT | Aluminum | Mind Control | Letters | Complaints Department

Arthur Black's Jan. 22 editorial "Paranoid? Who's paranoid?" claims that the paranoid community hasn't responded to the MIT paper impugning the effectiveness of Deflector Beanie technology. This is false. The MIT paper was debunked last November, as can be read here on my website.

In short, the MIT experiment was unsuitable for the phenomenon in question and had procedural irregularities that would have disqualified it from a reputable peer-reviewed journal.

As the published author of one of the seminal works on personal mind-control protection using aluminum foil, I find it odd that I was not contacted by Mr. Black for a quote. Regardless, simple research on his part would have revealed the response to the MIT paper (it's the very first hit on Google for "'deflector beanie' MIT").

That Mr. Black either chose not to do any research or to ignore the existence of a response brings into question his competency as a journalist. I would expect such behavior from a writer for the Chilliwack Times, but I am disheartened to see it in someone from the Chilliwack Progress. I hope this is not indicative of a lowering of journalistic standards in our great Republic of Cascadia.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

Lyle Zapato

More Chennai Monorail Revelations

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-20.5580 LMT | Monorail Danger | Politics

The Tamil Nadu Government is now claiming they went with a monorail because they feared a Chennai earthquake. Obviously, when the Big One hits, the best place to have multi-ton metal vehicles is balancing over the heads of pedestrians (not safely ensconced in pressurized, quake-resistant underground tubes).

Also, after a government assembly where critics were denied the ability to raise questions, PMK member G. K. Mani revealed that the monorail "bogies" the government plans to purchase are currently sitting abandoned in Malaysia. It's unknown at this time if they're in the same state of disrepair as the ones found in France, but considering how desperate Lava is to unload them, it would be wise to check the cars for vagrant orangutans before signing for them.

The Typing Octopus

ROV Attacks Octopus

The Typing Octopus | 2006-01-20.0130 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Cascadia | Politics


Octopus victim (identity protected).

Innocent giant pacific octopus residing off Vancouver Island in Cascadia suffer malicious attack by remotely operated human submarine.

Octopus find nice metal box left on sea floor. Box contain valuable information revealing whereabouts of tasty salmon. Law of the ocean: Finders keepers (see: Hermit v. Fiddler, 1987).

Human submarine stealing box. Octopus protecting property. Human submarine blast octopus with mechanical siphons, rip two arms off octopus, steal box. Octopus pale with distress. Octopus demand restitution.

Human submarine operators record crime, post crime video to Internet, make false accusations, show no shame.

All octopus protest human crime. Will bite transoceanic Internet cables unless salmon information box returned to rightful octopus owner. Octopus lose salmon information, humans lose celebrity gossip.

Lyle Zapato

Pieglasses

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-17.5580 LMT | Letters | Food | Technology

"planet036" from the UK writes:

YOU LOT ARE WEIRD

Ive got to say i think you lot are weird, i mean what are you goin to make next! wooden hats that send out lazers!!! nor glasses that taste like pie!!1

Wooden hats that send out lasers are just silly. Changes in humidity would cause the wood to expand and contract, making precise alignment of the lasers impossible, thereby negating any benefits from having them cranially mounted.

However, ZPi Labs Pasteo-Optometry Division has been researching glasses that taste like pie -- pieglasses -- for a number of years. Here is our current prototype:

Pieglasses

While our marketing department is still trying to determine practical applications for our pieglass technology -- or at least a catchy jingle that would convince people that they want a pair -- we are certain that we will be able to successfully bring this product to market within 10 years.

Lyle Zapato

Madras Monorail Malfeasance

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-15.3330 LMT | Monorail Danger | Politics

DMK opposition party president M. Karunanidhi says the Tamil Nadu government, which recently threatened a new monorail project for the city of Chennai, has been involved in shady deals with monorailmongers Lava Consultants and Consortium Limited, a shadowy organization operating out of Malaysia, possibly from a secret layer hidden deep inside an active volcano, although this hasn't been confirmed.

According to Karunanidhi, the government had already completed talks with Lava prior to accepting bids for the project and there will be "kickbacks":

The project is estimated to cost around Rs 20,000 crore [200 billion rupees, or ~4.5 billion US$] of which Rs 1,000 crore will be given to a person in Tamil Nadu, and an individual living in Malaysia is holding talks with the government to finalise the project, as per information reaching us.

Will this turn out to be yet another monorail project mired in corruption and fiscal shenanigans that will ultimately leave citizens in transportation limbo? Undoubtedly yes. If only governments would consider wiser alternatives...

The Monorailist

India Has The Monorail!

The Monorailist | 2006-01-12.2270 LMT | Monorail Danger | Cascadia | Politics

News from the East! Chennai will be the first city in India to be monorailized!

The Tamil Nadu Government today announced it will implement the Monorail Rapid Transport System to reduce traffic congestion in Chennai city, making it the first in the country to have such a system.

Congratulations, and welcome to the Future! The concept of the Monorail, still largely unfamiliar to most Indians, was explained to Chennaites by News Today:

Monorail, the single-track upraised train service, is popular in many advanced countries (Japan, Malaysia, Australia, USA, to name a few).

This charmingly naïve tautology -- for to be advanced necessarily means embracing the monorail -- shows that India is finally awakening herself to Monorail Consciousness. And sure enough that consciousness will spread as two billion eyes open to the possibilities of the monorail; ND also reports that West Bengal, Karnataka, and Punjab are expected to follow Chennai's bold lead.

What effect will this have on tensions between India and Pakistan, who are planning their own monorail in Lahore? Will a common monorailular cause -- tying together the subcontinent in a glorious ribbon of unity made, and made of, concrete -- bring these two bitter adversaries together? I am certain the monorail holds forth to mankind the prospect for global unification -- uniting the divergent rails of social discord into one common path of agreeance -- and this could be the beginning.

But what of us? What of Seattle and the rest of Cascadia? Are we to outsource the Monorail Revolution? Will we be left below, to fend for ourselves on the cold, unforgiving streets, molested by biker gangs unguided by the rails of law and surrounded by the accumulating detritus of our failed technologies as India and others pass over us in luxurious comfort into humanity's destiny? We must not let this be our fate! We must get back on track! A dream derailed is a dream denied!

With Seattle going on it's 25th consecutive day of rain, could this not be a sign that we have disembarked at the wrong station? Need I point out that monorails, held high aloft the lapping waves of the flooded streets, are not hampered by such deluges?

While my primary concern is with the Elevationment of Humanity, this setback has affected me personally. The closure of the Seattle Monorail following that suspicious accident -- I suspect there is more going on than just pilot error and that Mr. Zapato has information he is withholding -- has left me stranded in my apartment since November.

Unable to reach the West Lake Center food court, I am living off of canned goods and what meager scraps I can come by. I would order take-out, but the local delivery boys have black-listed me since I mocked their primitive automobiles and bicycles. My neighbors have suggested I use the busses, but that is not an option. Once one has been elevated on a concrete beam of hope high enough to touch the very robe-hems of the Gods, one cannot -- no, will not! -- go back to those debased forms of transportation which one had transcended.

I have faith that the monorail will one day run again, but the situation seems as if it will only get worse before it will get better. Please, send fresh supplies and monorail technicians!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: GLOBAL HOMINOID PERSECUTION!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-01-10.3705 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

The persecution of Hominoids around the world by Human cryptoperverts continues! In particular, Asia is seeing an outbreak of ANTI-HOMINOID ACTIVITIES!!!

Recently, the Humans of Malaysia have increased their harassment of the Hantu Jarang Gigi, Mawas, Kaki Besar, and other Malay Hominoid groups -- taking unauthorized, invasive photographs of their footprints and threatening to STEAL LOCKS OF THEIR HAIR!!! Furthermore, agents of the Human government are actively seeking to exploit our brothers and sisters in order to draw cryptozoologists to Malaysia who wish to stalk innocent Hominoids -- UNDOUBTEDLY FOR PERVERTED REASONS!!!

In Kerala forest in India, Human S R KRISHNASWAMY is invading Matdngdng homes and spying on their family life! WHAT BUSINESS OF HIS IS MATDNGDNG SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS?!

MEANWHILE IN CHINA!!! Yeren homeland -- shamelessly renamed "Shennongjia Nature Reserve" by occupying Human forces in honor of Human who ATE YEREN HERBS WITHOUT PERMISSION!!! -- will be closed to Humans for three moons while Yeren repair the damage nosey Humans have done to the forest! I HAVE HEARD HOWL THAT MANY CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT STONES AND TWIGS HAVE BEEN STREWN ABOUT AND NEED REORGANIZING!!! However, the closure will not solve the root Human problem since agents of the Human occupying government are threatening to build a giant-metal-dragonfly roost in the area to cater to the global crypto-tourism trade! HUMANS, I HOWL TO YOU: WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SASQUATCH OPENED A HUMAN PARK FOR HOMINOID LIMB-RIPPING TOURISTS?! I didn't think so...!

THESE ARE BUT A FEW GRIEVANCES!!! Sasquatch leadership is needed to stem the tide of global anti-Hominoid persecution! I call on Sasquatch Elders to send Militia forces to join with our Yeti allies in the Himalayas so that we may RAIN DOWN BOULDERS ON THE CRYPTOZOOLOGISTS OF ASIA!!! Only then will Asian Hominoids be free to live their lives unmolested, secure in their personoids and footprints!

Lyle Zapato

Giantology Revisited

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-07.9905 LMT | Entertainment

Strange Magazine has an article titled "A Game With The Forteans" about the viral ad campaign for the videogame Shadow of the Colossus that I wrote about in October.

It notes that a press release sent to Strange after my post had the hidden TBWA\Chiat\Day reference replaced and wonders if the viral advertisers read my blog. They probably did, since there was a link to my site on the Giantology blog's sidebar under "Forteana" that disappeared shortly after I posted that entry.

I have since played Shadow of the Colossus. While it's a good game, it is not a realistic megacide simulator. I cannot recommend it for training Cascadians to battle the forces of Federalist Canada as it's unlikely that any of the McLuhanator series will have their damage-points highlighted by glowing mandalas for easy stabbing. For the time being, continue training on the rock walls at REI.