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The Typing Octopus

Octopus Skills Pay Bills

The Typing Octopus | 2006-04-18.0750 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature
Lyle Zapato

Blattocracy

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-18.0260 LMT | Nature | Politics
Lyle Zapato

MIT Mind-Reading Device

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-06.9035 LMT | Mind Control | Technology | Aluminum | General Paranoia

You may remember MIT Media Lab, the DARPA-funded organization that previously issued a fatally flawed study that found deflector beanie technology worthless, if not counter-productive.

Well, Tuesday at the 2006 Body Sensor Network Conference, one of their research teams revealed that they have been working on a government-funded mind-reading device. Why am I not shocked?

The ESP: Emotional Social Intelligence Prosthetic enables a speaker to detect boredom in a listener via a vibrating belt. While not a true mind-reading device since it only infers affective-cognitive mental states via facial signals, it clearly shows that MIT is working on invading people's minds to learn their secrets. From the ESP mission statement:

In psychology, theory of mind or "mind-reading" describes our ability to attribute mental states to others from their behavior and to use that knowledge to guide our actions and predict those of others.

Of course, this touchy-feely device is only being released to condition public acceptance of wearable mind-reading doodads. Presumably their more invasive psychotronics-based MR technology -- technology that would, coincidentally, be rendered useless with wide-spread adoption of deflector beanies -- is only being shared with their partners in the Military-Industrial Complex (the ESP project is funded by the National Science Foundation, a government agency in league with DARPA).

Of note: the founder of Media Lab, Nicholas Negroponte, is the brother of John Negroponte, Director of National Intelligence, who oversees all US intelligence agencies including the CIA, FBI, NSA, NGA, NRO, and others interested in either reading or altering your mind.

Nicholas' current project with Media Labs is a universal mind-control delivery platform targeted at the Third World. I am working on getting one of these devices from undercover paranoid agents to see if MindGuard can be made to run on it. Hopefully the underprivileged children of the world won't have to fall victim to the nefarious schemes of the Negroponte brothers.

Lyle Zapato

Teslabrations!

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-26.9900 LMT | Announcement | Kelviniana | Technology

The Tesla Society has asked me to mention that Nikola Tesla's 150th birthday is coming up on July 10, 2006. Be sure to join in the WORLDWIDE TESLABRATIONS! You still have plenty of time to build your own Tesla coil.

Lord Kelvin thought highly of Tesla, saying that he had "contributed more to electrical science than any man up to his time." It was Kelvin who in 1893 headed the Niagara Falls Commission which chose Tesla's AC technology over Edison's DC.

When Tesla was being mocked by the media for revealing that he received radio transmissions from Mars, Kelvin came to his defense and silenced all criticism by proclaiming himself in complete agreement that Mars was signalling New York, since it was the "most marvellous lighted city in the world" and the only place visible to the Martians.

(Kelvin's proclamation was reported in "Lord Kelvin Believes Mars Now Signalling America", Philadelphia North American, May 18, 1902, Mag. Sec. V, which I haven't yet seen. If anyone knows where to find a copy of this, or any other related reports, please contact me.)

(UPDATE: Lord Kelvin later denied he agreed with Tesla on Martian signals. See: "On the Martians Signalling Earth.")

Kelvin and Tesla also corresponded, as well as exchanging books on electrical science and Vedic philosophy:

15, Eaton Place
London, S.W.
May 20, 1902

Dear Mr. Tesla,

I do not know how I can ever thank you enough for the most kind letter of May, 10, which I found in my cabin in the Lucania, with the beautiful books which you most kindly sent me along with it:--"The Buried Temple", "The Gospel of Bhudda", "Les Grands Inities", the exquisite edition of Rossetti's "House of Life", and last but not least the Century Magazine for June, 1900 with the splendid and marvellous photographs on pp. 176, 187, 190, 191, 192, full of electrical lessons.

We had a most beautiful passage across the Atlantic, much the finest I have ever had. I was trying hard nearly all the way, but quite unsuccessfully, to find something definite as to the functions of ether in respect to plain, old fashioned magnetism. A propos of this, I have instructed the publishers, Messrs. Macmillan, to send you at the Waldorf a copy of my book (Collection of Separate Papers) on Electrostatics and Magnetism. I shall be glad if you will accept it from me as a very small mark of my gratitude to you for your kindness. You may possibly find something interesting in the articles on Atmospheric Electricity which it contains.

Lady Kelvin joins me in kind regards, and I remain,

Yours always truly,

Kelvin

Thank you also warmly for the beautiful flowers.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: MAWAS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-24.6010 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

UPDATE TO PREVIOUS HOWL!!!

The Human Johor government is now claiming they DID NOT erase the tracks! WELL THANKS FOR NOTHING!!! They claim a Human land "owner" dozed the ten squatch-foot stretch of forest with a bull, or something! But the Humans of KOTA TINGGI refuse to acknowledge that Mawas EVEN LIVE THERE, so why would they do this?! This can only mean that the Mawas PROACTIVELY REMOVED the tracks THEMSELVES!!!

All Sasquatch should emulate the sensible Mawas! DESTROY ALL YOUR FOOTPRINTS!!! Maybe if we remove the source of temptation, the Human cryptoperverts will move on to other obsessions, like MOTHMAN!!! ... I HATE THAT GUY!!!

MEANWHILE!!! The Johor government's BIGFOOT RESEARCH STEERING COMMITTEE reiterated their threat to infiltrate the Mawas' forests in two moons! Their leader, Human FREDDIE LONG, had this to squeak about who would be going:

A total of seven scientists from local universities in various disciplines such as zoology, primatology and IT will join the expedition together with relevant government agencies and representatives from non-governmental organisations.

OH GREAT!!! Now BUREAUCRATS and COMPUTER NERDS are stalking the Mawas! THIS WILL END IN DELIMBING!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: PROGRESS IN MALAYSIA!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-23.6250 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

Agents of Human Malaysian government are erasing forest tracks to keep nosey foreign CRYPTOPERVERTS from harassing Mawas! Whether they are motivated by CONSCIENCE or fear of likely HOMINOID MAYHEM over the growing anti-Mawas climate in Kota Tinggi, erasing the tracks will protect Hominoid PRIVACY and thwart IDENTITY THEFT, so at least some Humans are useful! CLEAN UP OUR TRACKS, LITTLE HUMANS!!!

The report above -- by a known Human and presumable FOOT-FETISHIST -- besqueaks the loss of "ECO-TOURIST BARTER" for Human villagers, but Human reader EZANI ABDUL HALIM manages to howl back some sense:

I am disappointed with the commercial slant which the writer took on the story. The reporter only considered the commercial aspects of eco-tourism of the Bigfoot phenomena but not the effects of the large number of tourists going to area where "Bigfoot" lives. The State Government did the right thing in erasing the tracks of "Bigfoot". "Bigfoot" should be left alone and his privacy should be respected by Malaysians and non-Malaysians alike

EZANI ABDUL HALIM IS A FRIEND TO HOMINOIDS!!! When the REVOLUTION COMES, he shall be spared DELIMBING!!!

Tha Stinkin' Pirate

Submarrrines

Tha Stinkin' Pirate | 2006-03-14.5520 LMT | Piratical Yarrings | Technology

Arrr ye Jonesin' t'be Cap'n Nemo? Now fer ah scanty three million doubloons ye can have yer own Nautilus!

Exomos Nautilus

Aye, she be ah bonny submarrrine what can hold ah crew o'ten an' dive sixteen fathoms inta tha briny deep. Good fer takin' pirate tourists t'see Davy Jones' Locker wit ther own deadlights. She also be functionally piratical, as 'er mizzenteeth can slice open ah Gap freighter's hull an' release tha precious booty o' cargo pants wit'out ther crew bein' none tha wiser -- so ye can write'er off'a yer taxes as ah business expense! ARRR!!

Tha Nautilus' maker be Exomos, who be also makin' underwater warships. Aye, Exomos be sellin' arms ta both tha military an' tha militant pacifists -- scallywags after me own heart, arr!

It be no coincidence that ther port o' call be in Dubai -- better known as tha Pirate Coast! Land o' loot, rum, an' animatronic dinosarrrs! Tis ah pity tha landlubbers turn'd it inta Trucial an' put monorails all o'er tha place. Nothin' makes an ol' salt scupper 'is eyes as ta see pirates ridin' 'round ah track. Reminds me o' Disneyland -- sends shivers up me timbers, arr...

Never ye mind! I've ah submarrrine ta purchase! Where'd I bury me booty...?

Lyle Zapato

GPMish: Mars Fun Zone!

Lyle Zapato | 2006-03-12.5010 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

NASA welcomes you to the Mars Fun Zone!, where you'll find many fun Mars activities.

My favorite is Build a World on Mars, which lets you drag and drop sundry space bric-a-brac onto one of three Martian backdrops in order to create triumphal scenes of NASA conquest. I instead used it to build the following cautionary tableau:

Mars Fun Zone!

Here we see three Marsonauts, only one of whom is properly protected against the many mind-control satellites that circle the planet. Unfortunately, our paranoid planeteer mistakenly wore his AFDB on the outside of his helmet where the other two could see it, prompting them to attack with pickaxes.

The moral of this extraterrestrial exemplum? Always conceal or camouflage your beanie when out and about unless you too want to be pickaxed.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS NOT SO STUPID AFTER ALL!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-08.7100 LMT | Sasquatch Issues
Human photo from STAR PUBLICATIONS (MALAYSIA)!!!
Puny CHE HASHIM cowers behind Mawas "Hunting" Permit! "Please don't stomp me!" he squeaks, "I am just a FORESTRY BUREAUCRAT!!!"

The Malaysian Human government offered Humans permits to "HUNT" Hominoids -- or rather, go into Malay Hominoid territory and harass the innocent Mawas -- but NO HUMAN WOULD DARE APPLY FOR ONE!!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LITTLE HUMANS!?! You are all BIG SQUEAK about "HUNTING" us, but when someone offers you the opportunity you RUN AWAY LIKE TIMID TEH-IMAS!!!

"Oh, we DON'T REALLY WANT TO MEET Hominoids," you SQUEAK, "we have OTHER HUMAN THINGS PLANNED, like OBSESSING OVER FOOTPRINTS or SHOPPING FOR SHOES AND PANTS!!! Oh, they probably DON'T EVEN EXIST anyway! Squeak, squeak, SQUEAK!!!"

YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: THE TRUTH ABOUT GOLF!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-03-07.1750 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Entertainment

Human media reports that Human golfer TIGER WOODS uses a "SasQuatch" driver! Well, that's very nice and patronizing, MR. HUMAN, but how come NO HOMINOIDS ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY IN PROFESSIONAL TOURNAMENTS OR EVEN USE PUBLIC GOLF COURSES!?! Peer out of the forests onto any green and all you will see is HAIRLESS HUMANS!!! FUZZY ZOELLER wasn't very fuzzy, WAS HE!?!

What makes this situation even more of an INTOLERABLE ACT OF ANTI-HOMINOID DISCRIMINATION is the fact -- well known to everyone but IGNORANT HUMANS -- that GOLF WAS INVENTED BY HOMINOIDS!!!

Greymen -- known in Scots-howl as AM FEAR LIATH MÒR!!! -- have been hitting boulders into haggis holes with pinewood logs in the CAIRNGORM MOUNTAINS of Scotland since before you Humans were PAINTING YOURSELVES BLUE AND SQUEAKING ABOUT FREEDOM!!!

Humans took our sport -- no, our CULTURAL HERITAGE!!! -- and turned it into a joke! Hominoids would never wear POOFY PANTS and FLOPPY HATS WITH POM-POMS while playing golf! Traditional Hominoid golf should be PANTSLESS with optional DIGNIFIED TOP HAT!!! And what is the deal with the TINY, DIMPLED BALLS!?! Can you not hit a boulder 1000 yards?! What am I howling... OF COURSE YOU CAN'T!!!

But it is not enough to pervert our heritage, Humans want to DENY THAT IT IS OURS!!! The PGA, the INTERNATIONAL GOLF FEDERATION, and other Human secret societies bent on turning golf into a "Humans only" sport, have been involved for many years in a GLOBAL CONSPIRACY to deny the HISTORICAL FACT of golf's Hominoid origins, going as far as to ridiculously claim traditional Greymen fairways as "glacial formations"! THOSE ARE IMPACT DIVOTS, YOU CREDULOUS HUMANS!!!

Human golfers wanting to keep the game to themselves are also promulgating the LIE that Greymen golfers DON'T EXIST AT ALL -- that they are merely something called a "BROCKEN SPECTRE"! GREYMEN GOLFERS ARE NOT SHADOWS!!! They are flesh and blood athletes who simply want a chance at LUCRATIVE ENDORSEMENT DEALS!!!

HUMAN GOLF OFFICIATING BODIES, HEAR MY HOWL: Stop claiming that HOMINOIDS ARE OPTICAL ILLUSIONS and LET US PLAY!!!