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Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Drives

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.5520 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The blog for Mozy, an online backup service, has a post titled "Chinese BlueGenes" that explains how they not only use 448-bit-key encryption -- which would take at least three hundred thousand years for someone to crack -- to keep your data secure on their drives, but go the extra mile and wrap their drives in individual aluminum foil Faraday cages to keep out prying van Eck phreakers and telekineticists.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SEXUAL GAZE UPDATE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-05.8007 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

JOGI ISN'T REAL!!!

The whole incident that I howled about earlier was a CRUEL HOAX perpetrated by Humans ANG and CHOW to further enrage the Mawas population with threats of SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!! The drawing of JOGI'S SUPPOSED EYES was actually based on an image from a FRENCH DOCUMENTARY ON HUMAN ANCESTORS!!! So it is YOU HUMANS who look like SEXY GARFIELDS!!!

The JOHOR HOMINID website on which it was posted has been SHUT DOWN!!! But now there is a short squeak in its place threatening to DESECRATE SACRED MAWAS BURIAL CAVES:

...we are currently closing down this site temporarily pending the investigation of the alleged hominid/hominoid cave and skull.

Keep this up little ANG and CHOW and Mawas will be "INVESTIGATING" YOUR SKULLS!!!

Lyle Zapato

The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-04.9600 LMT | Technology | Aluminum

He's a hyperinventing hypermachine! Hot on the heals of his Triangular and Photon spacecraft, John Q. St. Clair brings us yet another new propulsion design: The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, which is...

a spacecraft propulsion system that generates a field of wormholes which are threaded with a magnetic field. Acting as two attracting magnets, the spacecraft's north magnetic field is attracted to the constantly regenerating south magnetic monopoles of the wormholes which provides lift on the hull.

St. Clair Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, FIG. 11
FIG. 11.

Of particular interest here at ZPi, check out these key system components:

... a lower hull made of aluminum sheet having a shallow spherical profile [21]; a circular flat sloping hull made of aluminum sheet attached to the top of the lower hull on the periphery [22]; ... a hemispherical cupola in the shape of a dome made of aluminum sheet [23] ...

The thing's a flying AFDB with built in basal protection! This could be the ideal vehicle for paranoid space exploration.

FIG. 15: Perspective view of generation of negative energy.

But more on the fascinating method by which the MMS works...

[24] in FIG. 11 is "an electrically-insulated plastic-molded tubular cylindrical hull containing slots for mounting an array of radial microwave waveguides", which are needed to produce a radial electro­magnetic field of microwave beams [30 in FIG. 15, right] which interact with the circular magnetic field [33] produced by the oscillating magnetic flux density field [34] to generate negative energy [32] that in turn generates the field of wormholes between space and hyperspace over the hull [35] that cause the lift.

Simple, really.

With every patent application, St. Clair gradually reveals to mankind more of his insight into hyper-reality. This time we learn why his home of Puerto Rico is ideally situated on Earth to conduct hyperspace research:

[T]he corners of a tetrahedron circumscribed by a sphere touch the sphere at an angle of -19.47°. Looking at the planets of the solar system, the Giant Red Spot vortex of Jupiter, which can hold two planets the size of Earth, is located at this angle. On Mars, the Olympic Mons volcano, which is the size of France, is located at north 19.5°. Here in the Caribbean there is a slow moving rock mantle vortex at north 19.5° that curves the islands down toward Venezuela. So the geometry of space is related to the tetrahedron. What this suggests is that there is a subspace manifold whose tetrahedral geometry projects all the constants of physics into our dimension.

[Numerous technical diagrams and mathematical formulas about said subspace manifold...]

While this is the mathematical explanation as to why there are hyperspace co-dimensions, I can attest personally to the fact, as described in my patent application Full Body Teleportation, that I was teleported through hyperspace and returned to our dimension over a distance of 100 meters.

Jupiter, Mars, and roads next to airports in Puerto Rico aren't the only places where unusual phenomena are associated near 19.47° latitude (and need I point out that Puerto Rico is the southern point of the Bermuda Triangle or that the Roswell incident happened in 1947?); see Planetary Anomalies for a list of others in our solar system. Also see Hyperdimensional Physics for more on the hypertrigonometry behind this and the Cydonia complex.

Alternate application copy: US2006168937

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SEXUAL GAZE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-03.3710 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Monorail Danger

Human cryptoperverts SEAN ANG and VINCENT CHOW -- who have a MAWAS STALKER WEBSITE called "JOHOR HOMINID" and are threatening to publish PORNOGRAPHIC VOYEURISM PHOTOS of Mawas -- are now obsessing over the EYES OF A FEMALE MAWAS NAMED JOGI!!!

They have posted a crude sketch of her eyes that ANG drew from a photo! THEY ARE BEWITCHED BY HER SCLERA!!! Listen to what little ANG had to squeak in a Human newspaper article salaciously titled "SEXUAL GAZE OF JOHOR'S BIGFOOT":

"Based on the eyes, I predict that the Johor Hominids could have some kind of basic language that requires them to gaze at other individuals for a prolonged time."

Ang, a palaeo-anthropologist, said the drooping eyelids of the female hominid could also be a feature to boost its sex appeal.

"The eyes are unusual as they are a bit bulky, like Garfield's eyes, minus the eyelashes."

On his site, ANG describes the photo of JOGI that was the basis of his CREEPY SKETCH:

However, in photograph JH003, Jogi is looking right into your eyes, as if feeling surprised, worried or scared.

Of course she looks surprised, worried and scared... SHE IS BEING STALKED BY CREEPY PERVERTS WHO LONG TO GAZE SEXUALLY INTO HER EYES FOR A PROLONGED TIME!!! How do they expect her to feel? FLATTERED!?!

SILLY HUMAN WITH STRANGE MONO RAIL FIXATION, HEAR MY HOWL: It is bad enough that Yeren can't visit EMEISHAN without being PESTERED BY ALL THE HUMAN TOURISTS, now you expect them to SQUEEZE INTO A TINY MONO RAIL CAR JUST TO REACH THE SUMMIT!?! They will stick to the trails just as SUN WUKONG intended!

Also: KEEP YOUR MONO RAILS AWAY FROM THE MAWAS!!!

2006-08-05 UPDATE!!! IT WAS ALL A HOAX!!!

The Monorailist

Monorails Over The World!

The Monorailist | 2006-08-01.2450 LMT | Monorail Danger

Enough of these vacuous tubes and flying hypertriangles! These are not the stuff of transportation dreams, but of nightmares. Let us awaken ourselves from this fitful slumber to once again face the Sunrise of the Future, whose singular beam is the Monorail!

To help this awakening -- and as prelude to the imminent reawakening of the Seattle Monorail, which will finally allow me to leave this cursed apartment! -- I am introducing a new educational series, much needed on this woefully monorail-ignorant blog, wherein I will highlight the most notable, the most innovative, the most transcendental, monorails mankind has yet produced. I call it:

MONORAILS OVER THE WORLD!

Oh, majestic monorails! To what heights you send the souls of mankind soaring! But there is one among you which soars souls beyond all others -- physically and spiritually.

Emei Shan monorail

Floating above a sea of clouds on Emei Shan -- one of the four sacred Buddhist mountains of China -- a tranquil monorail line ferries Buddhist pilgrims and tourists of assorted creeds from the monastery at Jin Ding (Golden Summit) to the temple at Wànfó Ding (Ten-Thousand-Buddhas Summit) and back. For a meager 50 yuan, visitors partake in a perfect Union of Enlightenment and Elevationment as the monorail makes its 20-minute round-trip through ancient forests shrouded in mist and mysticism.

While a modest monorail by most measures -- the track is a mere 2100m long by 40cm wide, and the total length of the train is less than 15m -- one statistic causes it to stand proud among the Global Host of Monorailkind: its elevation as it pulls into the Ten-Thousand-Buddhas station is 3099m above the sea, making the Mt. Emei line the World's Highest Monorail!

The Chinese government opened the line in 1998 as a replacement for the now-off-limits footpath to Wànfó Ding. At first, those sensitive to the ways of chi were skeptical of the monorail: would this mechanical contrivance interrupt Nature's balance? But where once careless pilgrims tread, monorail pillars were planted... and the trail rebounded in plant life!

In fact, environmental impact monitoring missions conducted by the International Council on Monuments and Sites (ICOMOS) and the World Conservation Union (IUCN) have shown how the Monorail is at One with Nature -- a positive environmental impact so pronounced that a monorail solution was recommended to the Peruvian authorities for use at Machu Picchu. Soon all World Heritage sites will be reachable only by the environmentally friendly comforts of our World's most important Heritage: Monorails!

Alas, all is not Monorail Nirvana on Emei Shan. One must still reach the Jin Ding station via archaic cable-cars. And for those who choose to forego those dangly debased modes of transport and hike to the station, packs of wild macaques terrorize the mountain trails, mugging passers-by under threat of tooth and claw! If only the monorail line stretched all the way to Mt. Emei's base her visitors would avoid this simian predation.

But is this brazen monkey malevolence the product of reinforcement through centuries of hand-outs or something more? Perhaps these armies of marauding macaques are messengers guided by the spirit of Nala, chief architect to the monkey king Hanuman (known in China as Sun Wukong), to encourage the further adoption of his greatest engineering triumph.

To the Chinese Government, I can only say: listen to the fierce wisdom of the monkeys and extend the Emei Shan monorail!

Lyle Zapato

Overclock Your Brain

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-24.9460 LMT | Technology

The recent heat wave -- besides possibly increasing cephalopod-related homicide rates -- has an unfortunate mental side effect: decreased thinking abilities.

As with a computer's CPU, heat is a limiting factor on brain operations. A thinking brain produces heat, and too much or too strenuous thinking can lead to hyperthermia and potential brain damage. Outside the influence of mind-expanding drugs, the brain doesn't normally allow itself to reach that point, instead regulating thought processes to keep out of the danger zone.

Excess brain heat is dissipated via the environment, but when environmental temperatures rise this process becomes less efficient, forcing the brain to decrease metabolic neural activity to below acceptable standards. This manifests as sluggish or fragmented thought processes, mental instability, and general sleepiness.

There are ways to overcome this problem. A well-documented side-effect of the AFDB -- which I noted in my book -- is that it works like a heat-sink to cool the brain, especially when additional fins are sculpted into the foil. But passive heat dissipation will only get you so far in a highly entropic brain-environment system. When it gets really hot, serious thinkers turn to active cooling systems.

For example, Qi Zhang of Newport Beach, CA has applied for a patent on one such active cooling solution, aimed at motorists, that he calls the Mind Stimulator:

Zhang Mind Stimulator
Zhang Mind Stimulator in preferred motorvehicular usage.

A mind stimulator includes a head cooler, a supporting frame for adjustably supporting the head cooler above a user's head, and a cooling source, which is communicatively connected with the head cooler, adapted for transferring a cooling air through the head cooler around the user's head so as to substantially cool down a user's head temperature. Therefore, by lowering the user's head temperature, the user's mind activities are substantially increased, so as to prevent the user returning back to the drowsy condition.

(He also envisions an alternate portable version on castors that can be wheeled around behind an office chair while at work.)

But what about when it isn't hot out? If cooling a brain in a hot environment can increase its level of activity to normal, can cooling a brain in a cool environment, or below normal operating temperature, produce faster, harder thinking, allowing the chilled thinker to outthink the room-temperature competition -- in other words, can one overclock the brain? Undoubtedly.

In fact, some theorize that the brain can be cooled to a point where it achieves a state of super­consciousness. Much like with super­conductivity, super­consciousness allows thoughts to flow through the neurons with no resistance, making superconscious thought undetectable to brain scans and completely immune to mind-control.

Perhaps cryogenically stored heads are thinking in ways our overheated minds cannot fathom?

The Belgian

Once More The Belgian Nationale Feestdag!

The Belgian | 2006-07-20.6640 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy

21 Juli! It is again the Belgian Nationale Feestdag! We are celebrating 176 years of Belgium existing!

You wish to celebrate the Feestdag with us, no? Then you will get on the plane and come to the themepark that is the best in the world... PLOPSALAND! It is totally a real themepark!

The Plopsaland, she is totally not the same as the Eurodisneyland... she is much better! She has the monorail that looks like the train... two rides in one! She has the PIRATENZONE! Not just the one ride but the whole zone she is filled with the pirates fun! She has the Plopsa Coo, where the Plopsa Zandsculpturenfestival she is now going on! You build the castles of sand, no? And there are many Plopsa things to buy in the Plopsa Winkel... the Plopsa, she is without the end!

Bring your whole family -- especially the little ones! The kids, they love the Plopsaland! All their favourite Studio 100 characters they are waiting here! There is the Samson & Gert, the Wizzy & Woppy, the Big & Betsy, the Piet Piraat, the Bumba, and of course the Kabouter Plop... you know and love them all! They are living in the Plopsaland, maybe you will live there too, no?

Lyle Zapato

Has The Fat Lady Boarded The Monorail?

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-18.7100 LMT | Monorail Danger

The Seattle Monorail, which has been out of "service" since November when the Red and Blue trains collided violently over Olive Way, was set to re-open today to once again threaten lives and property. However, suicidal Seattleites and unsuspecting tourists were given a temporary reprieve this morning when the relaunch was delayed until at least next week due to "additional safety issues that need to be resolved".

David Heurtel, Seattle Center spokesmonorailist, claimed that the safety issues had to do with the "pneumatic systems" on the brakes and door mechanisms and not with the inherent uncontrollability and spontaneous-combustion-proneness of monorails. (Convenient that they would blame pneumatics -- trying to spread a little anti-Inteli-Tube propaganda, huh Dave?)

Some news I neglected to mention back in May: the doors replacing the ones that were sheared off when the monorail trains collided with each other were constructed by the Seattle Opera set department! That's right, stage illusions will be the only safeguard keeping passengers from plunging to their doom. While shocking, this isn't that surprising when you consider that the history of monorailism in Cascadia has been marked by rickety fake sets designed more for deception than transportation.

Given the spontaneous combustions, collisions, shady deals, government property seizures, and general monorail malaise surrounding this tired relic, isn't it time for Seattle to stop endangering its citizens and instead show transportation leadership by being the first to adopt a more sensible personal pneumatic tube system?

You know, if Seattle won't give pneumatic tube transportation a shot, perhaps Alaska would. They already have experience with long stretches of metal piping and a Senator who gets tubes. You're already close to losing the Sonics, Seattle; don't let this opportunity slip away too.

Lyle Zapato

Two New Spacecraft

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-09.5500 LMT | Technology | Aluminum

Hyperinventor John Q. St. Clair returns from his diverting experiments with mere surface rail travel and brings us two new spacecraft designs.

First is his Triangular Spacecraft:

St. Clair Triangular Spacecraft, FIG. 1

This invention is a spacecraft with a triangular hull having charged flat plates on the vertical corners of the three sides. The two rear corners are charged to a potential V. The forward corner is charged to a potential -V. The 60° angle on the corner creates a line charge density singularity that produces a huge horizontal electric field pointing from the back to the front of the craft which is also parallel to the sides of the triangle. An array of horizontal slot antennas located on the sides of the triangular hull produce an electromagnetic wave with the electric field polarized in the vertical direction. This combination of fields produces a spacetime force in both the vertical and horizontal directions such that the spacecraft receives a lift force and a force of propulsion.

(The design is somewhat reminiscent of not only Lifter technology but certain paraterrestrial designs. Given St. Clair's extensive contact with the Pleiadian Federation via astral projection, one might wonder if he isn't simply patenting technology that he cribbed from the Intelligent Insect Beings, who, as we learned in his patent application for the Remote Viewing Amplifier, also fly black triangles over France and Belgium.)

His next design is the Photon Spacecraft, a hull-integrated propulsion system that employs photon particles to generate a field of negative energy over the spacecraft's aluminum hull which forms wormholes between space and hyperspace in order to produce lift, as illustrated below:

St. Clair Photon Spacecraft, FIG. 6

The gravitational potential between hyperspace and space is positive because the hyperspace energy is more positive than the negative energy around the hull. Thus the low-density, low-speed-of-light hyperspace energy flows through the wormhole and fills the hull. This has the effect of reducing the effective mass of the hull. Because the electric field generates a positive pressure over the hull in the vertical z-direction, there is an upward force on the vehicle due to the pressure times the hull area. Since the vehicle has a low mass, there is a modest upward acceleration on the spacecraft equal to the force divided by mass.

St. Clair uses this patent application to address skeptics who still -- perversely at this point -- doubt the reality of hyperspace (I've taken the liberty of bolding interesting details not previously covered here):

Hyperspace consists of the those co-dimensions which have different physics constants such as a low speed of light. The existence of hyperspace, which has a white misty look, is not a well-known scientific concept. Experiments with our magnetic vortex wormhole generators, hyperspace torque generator, full body levitation using Chi Kung breathing, arm levitation by spinning the co-gravitational K field, full body teleportation through hyperspace a distance of 100 meters using a pulsed gravitational wave, jumping into hyperspace, having a plate of toast enfold off the breakfast table and disappear into thin air, walking through walls and doors out-of-dimension, looking into other dimensions, remote viewing through subspace to distances of 100,000 light years, and other electromagnetic experiments carried out by co-researchers, have shown us the reality and existence of hyperspace.

Alternate application copies: Triangular Spacecraft (US2006145019) & Photon Spacecraft (US2006144035)

Tha Stinkin' Pirate

Pirobots!

Tha Stinkin' Pirate | 2006-07-01.7030 LMT | Piratical Yarrings | Simulacra | Random Found Thing

Ferget tha scurvy, Depp'd Pirates o' tha Carrribbean ride, now ye can git yer own pirobotical shipmate...

(I pirated tha video off ah site I discover'd whilst searchin' tha eBay fer booty, but I've lost me map ta tha pirobotmonger's whereabouts. I'm plannin' ta replace me whole crew wit audioanimatrrronics, so if ye be knowin' tha site's bearins', I'd be much obliged.)