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The Monorailist

"We're Back In Business!"

The Monorailist | 2006-08-12.6060 LMT | Monorail Danger

Little Lulu can once again ride the Monorail!

I am sorry to be a day late in delivering the wondrous news of the Seattle Monorail's reopening, but I spent all day yesterday traversing the line from the Seattle Center to Westlake Mall and back again, and again, and yet again.

Oh, the thrill of whooshing high above the din of Seattle's streets! Oh, the romance, the luxury, the civility of Monorail travel! Oh, to at last be able to leave my apartment! The day I have longed for since November had finally arrived and I was determined to absorb every transcendent moment of it!

I was, of course, not alone. One is never alone on the Monorail, even if the train is empty of passengers; for you see, the Monorail carries the hopes and dreams of all of Humanity, rested comfortably in her cushioned vinyl bench seats. But yesterday in particular I was joined by throngs of tourists, Seattleites, and dignitaries from near and far. Even that twisted, Grinch-like scoundrel Mayor Nickels, who opposed the Monorail Project with dirty tricks, could not help but pay homage -- perhaps his heart even grew a size or two during his ride.

One passenger in particular warmed the hearts of all who met her. Little monorail enthusiast Lulu Schoef, aged 3, has been waiting anxiously ever since that suspicious accident stole from her the gift of Monorail Ridership. Every day she would ask her father, "Daddy, when will I see the Monorail again?" -- her large, plaintive eyes yet filled with hope. To which her father could only patiently assure her, "Soon, little Lulu. Soon."

After nine long months, which must have seemed like eons to little Lulu, her day -- our day -- finally arrived, and as we boarded, like me she basked in the exuberant joy that is the Monorail. "We're back in business!" declared triumphal Monorail Pilot Tuan Le, once again at the helm, as he guided our glistening monorail coach out of the station and down its singular rail toward our -- and Humanity's -- future.

As I mentioned many times to my fellow monorail travelers that day: I believe that Monorails are our future, and that the children have an important role to play in bringing that future to fruition. It is vital that we instill in the next generation a love of Monorailism and a yearning to extend the Monorail's reach over the horizon, literally and metaphorically. While I myself do not yet have children in which to instill these values -- although that could soon change if the Singles Monorail Cruise I am organizing proves a success -- seeing the glimmer of monorail-wonder in the eyes of little Lulu brings me hope that our future -- our destiny -- is assured.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HOMINOIDICIDE COVERUP!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-11.7305 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

There have been reports in the Cryptopervert media that HUMANS HAVE SHOT AND KILLED A CHIYE-TANKA HOMINOID IN SOUTH DAKOTA!!! Rumor is that the murder victim's body was "SMUDGED" and secretly taken to THE SOUTH DAKOTA SCHOOL OF MINES AND TECHNOLOGY FOR "STUDY"!!!

Now the Human mining school has issued a press release claiming that it was ALL A JOKE, that there WAS NO MURDER, and denied that they STOCKPILE HOMINOID CORPSES IN MINE SHAFTS DEEP BELOW THEIR SCHOOL FOR USE IN CONDUCTING BIZARRE MEDICAL RESEARCH AND OTHER STRANGE RITUALS!!!

Excuse my skeptical howl, but: THIS IS A COVERUP!!!

The School of Mines knows that if the Chiye-tanka believed this HEINOUS CRIME took place that THEY WOULD STORM THE CAMPUS AND DELIMB THE BOARD OF REGENTS!!! They must be aware of OLIVER RED CLOUD, one of the Humans implicated with the shooting incident, who is an AMPUTEE -- presumably the result of having done SOMETHING to upset the Chiye-tanka community! So they desperately want everyone to think it was all a HOAX like JOGI and FORGET ABOUT IT!!!

WE WILL NEVER FORGET!!! We know what you are hiding in your mines and eventually the TRUTH will come out! Remember: THERE IS NO STATUTE OF DELIMB-LIMITATIONS FOR HOMINOIDICIDE!!!

HOWL TO TYPING OCTOPUS: SHUT UP!!! No one cares about a dead octopus in the Ohio river! IT IS JUST FOOD!!! And YOU WILL BE TOO, once I find out which Hominoidnet kiosk you are using to post here! THEY ARE FOR SASQUATCH, NOT FOR TASTY SNACKS!!!

The Typing Octopus

Ohio River Killer

The Typing Octopus | 2006-08-10.4690 LMT | Cephalopods

Many news reports state octopus body found in Ohio River by fisherhuman. Much confusion: octopus hate rivers and Ohio. Suicide or foul play?

Now revealed: octopus victim of human's bizarre "project". Human student dumped octopus body in Ohio River after filming snuff movie. Snuff movie featured "picnic scene" of horror.

Human bought corpse from St. Matthews seafood store. Planned on eating corpse. Octopus too old for human student; human student likes young corpses. Dumped in river instead. Thought river would wash away interest in crime against octopusity. Human thought wrong!

Octopus community issues demands: Student human and accomplices charged with desecration of octopus corpse. Octopus snuff film destroyed. St. Matthews charged with cephalopodicide.

Lyle Zapato

...And Phones Too

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.6930 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The Barry Bittwister Cabal presents a problem:

Your cell phone is tracking you, you know. By law, your phone has to tell where you are within 125 meters when you call 911, which isn't so bad on the face of it. However, the telecom systems can use your phone to track you at any time. In some cases, this can be done even when your phone is off. We're not sure how you feel about it, but we don't like being fitted with a radio collar at all times. This nonconsensual tracking is growing common in the US now, but has been around in Europe for quite a number of years. So what's a paranoid to do?

Their solution? The Invisifier, an aluminum & duct tape sheath for your cell. Its dual-action AFDB/Faraday cage construction keeps psychotronic signals from your phone in and EM tracking signals from the NGA satellites out.

(If I had just waited two centidays for the email I could have included this with the previous post and padded that out a bit...)

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Drives

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-09.5520 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia

The blog for Mozy, an online backup service, has a post titled "Chinese BlueGenes" that explains how they not only use 448-bit-key encryption -- which would take at least three hundred thousand years for someone to crack -- to keep your data secure on their drives, but go the extra mile and wrap their drives in individual aluminum foil Faraday cages to keep out prying van Eck phreakers and telekineticists.

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SEXUAL GAZE UPDATE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-05.8007 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

JOGI ISN'T REAL!!!

The whole incident that I howled about earlier was a CRUEL HOAX perpetrated by Humans ANG and CHOW to further enrage the Mawas population with threats of SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!! The drawing of JOGI'S SUPPOSED EYES was actually based on an image from a FRENCH DOCUMENTARY ON HUMAN ANCESTORS!!! So it is YOU HUMANS who look like SEXY GARFIELDS!!!

The JOHOR HOMINID website on which it was posted has been SHUT DOWN!!! But now there is a short squeak in its place threatening to DESECRATE SACRED MAWAS BURIAL CAVES:

...we are currently closing down this site temporarily pending the investigation of the alleged hominid/hominoid cave and skull.

Keep this up little ANG and CHOW and Mawas will be "INVESTIGATING" YOUR SKULLS!!!

Lyle Zapato

The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft

Lyle Zapato | 2006-08-04.9600 LMT | Technology | Aluminum

He's a hyperinventing hypermachine! Hot on the heals of his Triangular and Photon spacecraft, John Q. St. Clair brings us yet another new propulsion design: The Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, which is...

a spacecraft propulsion system that generates a field of wormholes which are threaded with a magnetic field. Acting as two attracting magnets, the spacecraft's north magnetic field is attracted to the constantly regenerating south magnetic monopoles of the wormholes which provides lift on the hull.

St. Clair Magnetic Monopole Spacecraft, FIG. 11
FIG. 11.

Of particular interest here at ZPi, check out these key system components:

... a lower hull made of aluminum sheet having a shallow spherical profile [21]; a circular flat sloping hull made of aluminum sheet attached to the top of the lower hull on the periphery [22]; ... a hemispherical cupola in the shape of a dome made of aluminum sheet [23] ...

The thing's a flying AFDB with built in basal protection! This could be the ideal vehicle for paranoid space exploration.

FIG. 15: Perspective view of generation of negative energy.

But more on the fascinating method by which the MMS works...

[24] in FIG. 11 is "an electrically-insulated plastic-molded tubular cylindrical hull containing slots for mounting an array of radial microwave waveguides", which are needed to produce a radial electro­magnetic field of microwave beams [30 in FIG. 15, right] which interact with the circular magnetic field [33] produced by the oscillating magnetic flux density field [34] to generate negative energy [32] that in turn generates the field of wormholes between space and hyperspace over the hull [35] that cause the lift.

Simple, really.

With every patent application, St. Clair gradually reveals to mankind more of his insight into hyper-reality. This time we learn why his home of Puerto Rico is ideally situated on Earth to conduct hyperspace research:

[T]he corners of a tetrahedron circumscribed by a sphere touch the sphere at an angle of -19.47°. Looking at the planets of the solar system, the Giant Red Spot vortex of Jupiter, which can hold two planets the size of Earth, is located at this angle. On Mars, the Olympic Mons volcano, which is the size of France, is located at north 19.5°. Here in the Caribbean there is a slow moving rock mantle vortex at north 19.5° that curves the islands down toward Venezuela. So the geometry of space is related to the tetrahedron. What this suggests is that there is a subspace manifold whose tetrahedral geometry projects all the constants of physics into our dimension.

[Numerous technical diagrams and mathematical formulas about said subspace manifold...]

While this is the mathematical explanation as to why there are hyperspace co-dimensions, I can attest personally to the fact, as described in my patent application Full Body Teleportation, that I was teleported through hyperspace and returned to our dimension over a distance of 100 meters.

Jupiter, Mars, and roads next to airports in Puerto Rico aren't the only places where unusual phenomena are associated near 19.47° latitude (and need I point out that Puerto Rico is the southern point of the Bermuda Triangle or that the Roswell incident happened in 1947?); see Planetary Anomalies for a list of others in our solar system. Also see Hyperdimensional Physics for more on the hypertrigonometry behind this and the Cydonia complex.

Alternate application copy: US2006168937

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: SEXUAL GAZE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2006-08-03.3710 LMT | Sasquatch Issues | Monorail Danger

Human cryptoperverts SEAN ANG and VINCENT CHOW -- who have a MAWAS STALKER WEBSITE called "JOHOR HOMINID" and are threatening to publish PORNOGRAPHIC VOYEURISM PHOTOS of Mawas -- are now obsessing over the EYES OF A FEMALE MAWAS NAMED JOGI!!!

They have posted a crude sketch of her eyes that ANG drew from a photo! THEY ARE BEWITCHED BY HER SCLERA!!! Listen to what little ANG had to squeak in a Human newspaper article salaciously titled "SEXUAL GAZE OF JOHOR'S BIGFOOT":

"Based on the eyes, I predict that the Johor Hominids could have some kind of basic language that requires them to gaze at other individuals for a prolonged time."

Ang, a palaeo-anthropologist, said the drooping eyelids of the female hominid could also be a feature to boost its sex appeal.

"The eyes are unusual as they are a bit bulky, like Garfield's eyes, minus the eyelashes."

On his site, ANG describes the photo of JOGI that was the basis of his CREEPY SKETCH:

However, in photograph JH003, Jogi is looking right into your eyes, as if feeling surprised, worried or scared.

Of course she looks surprised, worried and scared... SHE IS BEING STALKED BY CREEPY PERVERTS WHO LONG TO GAZE SEXUALLY INTO HER EYES FOR A PROLONGED TIME!!! How do they expect her to feel? FLATTERED!?!

SILLY HUMAN WITH STRANGE MONO RAIL FIXATION, HEAR MY HOWL: It is bad enough that Yeren can't visit EMEISHAN without being PESTERED BY ALL THE HUMAN TOURISTS, now you expect them to SQUEEZE INTO A TINY MONO RAIL CAR JUST TO REACH THE SUMMIT!?! They will stick to the trails just as SUN WUKONG intended!

Also: KEEP YOUR MONO RAILS AWAY FROM THE MAWAS!!!

2006-08-05 UPDATE!!! IT WAS ALL A HOAX!!!

The Monorailist

Monorails Over The World!

The Monorailist | 2006-08-01.2450 LMT | Monorail Danger

Enough of these vacuous tubes and flying hypertriangles! These are not the stuff of transportation dreams, but of nightmares. Let us awaken ourselves from this fitful slumber to once again face the Sunrise of the Future, whose singular beam is the Monorail!

To help this awakening -- and as prelude to the imminent reawakening of the Seattle Monorail, which will finally allow me to leave this cursed apartment! -- I am introducing a new educational series, much needed on this woefully monorail-ignorant blog, wherein I will highlight the most notable, the most innovative, the most transcendental, monorails mankind has yet produced. I call it:

MONORAILS OVER THE WORLD!

Oh, majestic monorails! To what heights you send the souls of mankind soaring! But there is one among you which soars souls beyond all others -- physically and spiritually.

Emei Shan monorail

Floating above a sea of clouds on Emei Shan -- one of the four sacred Buddhist mountains of China -- a tranquil monorail line ferries Buddhist pilgrims and tourists of assorted creeds from the monastery at Jin Ding (Golden Summit) to the temple at Wànfó Ding (Ten-Thousand-Buddhas Summit) and back. For a meager 50 yuan, visitors partake in a perfect Union of Enlightenment and Elevationment as the monorail makes its 20-minute round-trip through ancient forests shrouded in mist and mysticism.

While a modest monorail by most measures -- the track is a mere 2100m long by 40cm wide, and the total length of the train is less than 15m -- one statistic causes it to stand proud among the Global Host of Monorailkind: its elevation as it pulls into the Ten-Thousand-Buddhas station is 3099m above the sea, making the Mt. Emei line the World's Highest Monorail!

The Chinese government opened the line in 1998 as a replacement for the now-off-limits footpath to Wànfó Ding. At first, those sensitive to the ways of chi were skeptical of the monorail: would this mechanical contrivance interrupt Nature's balance? But where once careless pilgrims tread, monorail pillars were planted... and the trail rebounded in plant life!

In fact, environmental impact monitoring missions conducted by the International Council on Monuments and Sites (ICOMOS) and the World Conservation Union (IUCN) have shown how the Monorail is at One with Nature -- a positive environmental impact so pronounced that a monorail solution was recommended to the Peruvian authorities for use at Machu Picchu. Soon all World Heritage sites will be reachable only by the environmentally friendly comforts of our World's most important Heritage: Monorails!

Alas, all is not Monorail Nirvana on Emei Shan. One must still reach the Jin Ding station via archaic cable-cars. And for those who choose to forego those dangly debased modes of transport and hike to the station, packs of wild macaques terrorize the mountain trails, mugging passers-by under threat of tooth and claw! If only the monorail line stretched all the way to Mt. Emei's base her visitors would avoid this simian predation.

But is this brazen monkey malevolence the product of reinforcement through centuries of hand-outs or something more? Perhaps these armies of marauding macaques are messengers guided by the spirit of Nala, chief architect to the monkey king Hanuman (known in China as Sun Wukong), to encourage the further adoption of his greatest engineering triumph.

To the Chinese Government, I can only say: listen to the fierce wisdom of the monkeys and extend the Emei Shan monorail!

Lyle Zapato

Overclock Your Brain

Lyle Zapato | 2006-07-24.9460 LMT | Technology

The recent heat wave -- besides possibly increasing cephalopod-related homicide rates -- has an unfortunate mental side effect: decreased thinking abilities.

As with a computer's CPU, heat is a limiting factor on brain operations. A thinking brain produces heat, and too much or too strenuous thinking can lead to hyperthermia and potential brain damage. Outside the influence of mind-expanding drugs, the brain doesn't normally allow itself to reach that point, instead regulating thought processes to keep out of the danger zone.

Excess brain heat is dissipated via the environment, but when environmental temperatures rise this process becomes less efficient, forcing the brain to decrease metabolic neural activity to below acceptable standards. This manifests as sluggish or fragmented thought processes, mental instability, and general sleepiness.

There are ways to overcome this problem. A well-documented side-effect of the AFDB -- which I noted in my book -- is that it works like a heat-sink to cool the brain, especially when additional fins are sculpted into the foil. But passive heat dissipation will only get you so far in a highly entropic brain-environment system. When it gets really hot, serious thinkers turn to active cooling systems.

For example, Qi Zhang of Newport Beach, CA has applied for a patent on one such active cooling solution, aimed at motorists, that he calls the Mind Stimulator:

Zhang Mind Stimulator
Zhang Mind Stimulator in preferred motorvehicular usage.

A mind stimulator includes a head cooler, a supporting frame for adjustably supporting the head cooler above a user's head, and a cooling source, which is communicatively connected with the head cooler, adapted for transferring a cooling air through the head cooler around the user's head so as to substantially cool down a user's head temperature. Therefore, by lowering the user's head temperature, the user's mind activities are substantially increased, so as to prevent the user returning back to the drowsy condition.

(He also envisions an alternate portable version on castors that can be wheeled around behind an office chair while at work.)

But what about when it isn't hot out? If cooling a brain in a hot environment can increase its level of activity to normal, can cooling a brain in a cool environment, or below normal operating temperature, produce faster, harder thinking, allowing the chilled thinker to outthink the room-temperature competition -- in other words, can one overclock the brain? Undoubtedly.

In fact, some theorize that the brain can be cooled to a point where it achieves a state of super­consciousness. Much like with super­conductivity, super­consciousness allows thoughts to flow through the neurons with no resistance, making superconscious thought undetectable to brain scans and completely immune to mind-control.

Perhaps cryogenically stored heads are thinking in ways our overheated minds cannot fathom?